“It hurts to love. It’s like giving yourself to be flayed and knowing that at any moment, the other person may just walk off with your skin”

Week 2. Wow! I cannot believe that I was able to get by for I call myself a living dead now. My mind is the one ruling me most of the time and my heart has an “RIP” on it already. Its button to feel emotions is not functioning anymore and it is making me numb, which for me is better than feeling crap.

I don’t know, but I’m one boring person now and I can already call myself a loser as well. Like before, I’m stuck in my own world and as much as I want to get out from it, I can’t and I don’t want to for I’m afraid of a lot of things, I don’t want to do anything stupid anymore for I know that no one will catch me or even comfort me after. My heart is breaking every second of every day, but I must stick with my decision because I believe that this is the best for us. This separation will definitely make us realize what we really mean to each other and if we come to our senses and wake up one day realizing that we can actually live without each other, it’s all good for maybe things are really made to be like that.

“Hellowww! Yessir! I’m one of a kind!” Eun hee teased the moment she walked in my apartment.

“Please” I said, earning a laugh from her, Daniel and Dong min.

“Why are you guys here anyway?” I asked.

“We are here to check if you’re still alive” Dong min answered and sat beside me on the couch.

“I’m still alive…..I’m still alive” Daniel sang in the tune of Big Bang’s song.

“You guys are nuts! I swear! My life is so peaceful and harmonious minutes ago and now that you’re here…I’m in ruins once again” I told them and they just can’t stop from laughing.

“Yo heartbreaker! Do you have any plans for today?” Eun hee asked and all I can do is sigh.

“mmm….I’m gonna start packing my things and go to training later this evening” I answered and they sighed.

Well, I’ve decided to move out of my apartment. No. I’ve decided to move out from the apartment that G-dragon bought and since I’ve earned a bit from being in his music video, I used that money to pay rent to my new apartment. You see, I’m trying to go back to the old me. The Ishi Shin who’s paying rent, working, and alone.

“I don’t get it…why do you have to move out of here when in fact…this is yours” Eun hee asked and handed me a slice of pizza.

“Mouse…FYI…this  is Jiyong’s…this isn’t mine…he just put my name as the owner but if you’re going to see through it…he used his own money to buy this and I didn’t even shared anything…so technically this is really his” I said and she hissed.

“Look…Jiyong isn’t even asking you to move out…and he bought this for you…now that you’re moving out…what do you think will he do with this apartment?” Daniel asked and it made me think.

Actually, this sudden decision of mine to move out just popped in mind out of nowhere .Seriously, I just woke up one day with this wonderful realization that in order for me to fully let go, I have to move out of this apartment for this is our love nest and every corners of this small place has a memory of us.

“I know that this is really stupid of me….but…just let me be…after all…this place is making my life more miserable for everywhere I look…I’m reminded of Jiyong” I said and tears started pooling my eyes.

“Aigoo....don’t start crying…it’s so early for drama!” Dong min said while wiping my tears.

“You know….if there’s a contest for the person who can cry fastest…I’ll surely win…look at these tears…they’re like waterfalls” I said, making them laugh.

“Actually….that is your heart’s way of showing you how it really feels…you’re acting tough on the outside but if we’re going to dig deep in you…we are gonna be go insane because of how broken you are” Eun hee said and received nods from the boys.

“I admit…I’m totally shattered on the inside that even my organs are twisted now...as I’ve said…I’m better off dead” I said and sighed.

I can see from my friends’ eyes that they are not pitying me anymore, rather, they are annoyed of what I’m doing to myself. Well, I’m in the same boat as them. I hate seeing myself in ruins but here I am, making things a lot more complicated for me. I can say that the situation that I am in as of the moment is teaching me what reality is all about. That there is no such word as forever and happiness may come but it’ll go without even giving you any warning. One more thing is, even a relationship that is close to perfection can also be ruined. Up until now, I still cannot believe that I’m the reason why this is happening to me. Yes, I’m regretting the night when I broke up with G-dragon, but more than that, I’m fully regretting the fact that I just let a good man go.

After having lunch, Eun hee, Dong min and Daniel helped me in packing all the things that I’ll be bringing to my new apartment. I’ve decided to leave a lot of things including the television, the clothes and shoes, and all the other things that he bought. This is totally hard for I know that G-dragon bought this not for himself but for me, but I cannot live with it anymore for as much as possible, I don’t want anything that will remind me of him anymore.

“OH! Tinky…are you going to leave this book?” Dong min asked while holding the Book of Love.

“Yeah” I answered coolly, receiving weird looks from him and Eun hee.

“But that book is important to you…right? It’s your grandmas” Eun hee said and I nod my head.

“It is…but…I don’t need it anymore...so just leave it there” I said and continued putting clothes in a box.

“What is that book all about anyway?” Daniel asked and checked on the book.

“It’s the Book of Love…Ishi’s all time favorite…it belongs to her grandmother and it has taught her a lot of things about love and basically gave her hope that one day she will find Mr. Right” Eun hee explained and all I can do is sigh.

“OMO!” Daniel said all of a sudden, while holding a piece of paper.

“Ideal man” he read out loud and I grabbed the paper from him right away.

That piece of paper has a list of what my ideal man is like on it. Once you read it, one name will pop in your head. I guess, ever since I already have this hidden crush on G-dragon but I just don’t give a damn about it because I’m so busy with all my other problems. I mean, I won’t end up describing him as my ideal man if I’m not attracted on him, right?

“You are really an if you will not bring that with you” Eun hee said, while my mind and heart is having a battle on whether I’ll bring the book or not.

Actually, I’ve decided to leave the book behind because I can’t see any more reasons as to why I have to bring it. I mean, I’ve read it for gazillion times already and even though my grandmother told me that the book is her ultimate possession, I just find the writings on it totally senseless now. For years, I’ve been taking advices on love in that book and I’ve put all its sayings in heart. Now I guess, I have to move on from it. I know that Grandma would definitely go nuts because of this, but I know so well that she can understand where I’m coming from.

And because I don’t have much to pack, the four of us ended early as expected and all I have to do is move out. I’ve only got five big boxes with me and Lucky to bring to my apartment.

“Trouble twin” Eun hee called when she saw that I’m having a silent drama moment in my room.

“mmmm”

“I hate seeing you like this” she joined me in bed and I started crying.

“I hate it too” I said and she chuckled.

“Why are you still going on with this? I mean…this is bull! You and Jiyong are perfect for each other…you do have a lot of issues but c’mon! They are all negotiable…you can still fix them….and you don’t have to kill yourself for this…did you know that Jiyong is like a human robot nowadays? Daniel told me that he’s doing everything that people ask him to do…that the guy isn’t even thinking anymore….he has also mastered the art of faking for he smiles…laughs and acts happy even if he’s really not...you’re both in ruins and it’s not a very good sight to see…it’s heartbreaking as a matter of fact” she said and it made me cry harder.

This is the first time that I heard something about G-dragon. Seriously, I’ve been so clear to Eun hee and Dong min that I don’t want them talking about him whenever I’m around and they’ve respected that. Thing is, Eun hee can’t control herself anymore and talked about him already. Yes, I know that I’m the one to blame for G-dragon’s miserable life now and I’m feeling so sorry about it.

“Jiyong and I have talked yesterday….well…Daniel begged me to talk to him” she said and I looked at her with full interest.

“What’s it about?” I asked and she sighed.

“He just wanted some updates about you…well…I’m sorry to say this but…I told him your real situation right now…that you are lost and scattered all over the place…he is devastated upon hearing that to the point that he even cried” she started and it stabbed my heart “He told me that he’s really longing for you...and is still hoping to get you back and I’ve been honest with him… I told him that it won’t be possible anymore for you are staying firm with your decision…if you can only see him Ishi…it’s the first time that I saw a guy cried real tears….his pain is so visible that all you want to do is comfort him as much as you can….and I’m gonna be honest here….I hated you for a minute because you are hurting a good man….a man who did nothing but to love you and even gave everything possible just for you….I’m not saying that I’m on his side…but…I want you to know that you will regret your decision as long as you live...simply because you gave up easily” she finished, leaving me in a pool of emotions.

I can’t say anything more. Eun hee is definitely correct. I’m the one who put G-dragon in a dreadful situation and I’m also the one complicating things for us. But then again, I will stick with my decision and just go with whatever my mind is telling me. How I wish I can pull him out of hell coz I can’t bear to see him in ruins.

Hours passed by and I’m already rehearsing for my “ultimate” performance later. YG Sajangnim and some of the YG artists will watch us perform once again and this whole thing is making me nervous. I’m nervous not because I’ll perform in front of my boss and sunbaenim’s, but because I have a feeling that G-dragon will be there to watch as well. I’ve been hiding from him these past few weeks and I’m successful for I haven’t bumped into him yet. Well, it’s such a relief when they went to Thailand three days ago for I don’t have to hide from him because I know that he’s not even around. It is hard. Most especially, when you’re dying to see how he’s been already.

“Ishi…..are you ready for your performance?” Mr. Han as