“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward”

What is life if you’re stuck in a place where not even in your wildest and craziest dream would you think you’ll be in to? Up until now, I cannot figure out how they were able to convince me.

Yes, I’m in rehab, and I’ve been here for six months already. Honestly, I didn’t know that my condition is really serious. I thought I’ll just spend a couple of months here, but I was wrong. My doctors were deeply alarmed by how slow my progress is. I’m better than before though, I’m much happier and my mind is totally back on track as well. I guess, I really have to give it to everybody who never left my side even if I’m one problematic and totally burdensome girl.

I’m telling you, convincing me to enter rehab has been a challenge to them, most especially to G-dragon. I have to give all the credits to him for he didn’t stop bugging me till the very end. He, along with our friends, family and even Sajangnims are the ones who worked me up to consider rehab. It was a team effort and it left me without any choice. They are all in my ears and head, so to stop them, I just accepted everything even if I don’t like it at all.

“Oppa…why are you even considering this? Look…it’s been days already and I’m eating so well now…there’s no need for rehab…I’m telling you….I’m going to get better in a month or two” I told him days after I got out of the hospital.

My lovely husband and I reconciled in a snap of a finger and agreed upon brushing our past behind. I know that we can’t forget what happened, but we can set it aside and live like nothing happened. G-dragon himself told me that he doesn’t want to be reminded of it at all for it’s just making him feel bad because he’s blaming himself for what is happening to me right now. Truth is, I’m the one to blame for this coz I’m the one who put myself in total crap. If it weren’t for my carelessness, I’d be healthy and this anorexia and depression wouldn’t even exist.

“Baby….this is really a hard decision…but…you badly needed it…going to rehab is the only way for you to be healthy again…you’ve heard the doctor…a simple medication wouldn’t help…you need to undergo therapy and nutrition program…yes…we can do it outside rehab but it’s much better for you to just go in because there…they can watch you intently” he said and I shook my head.

“Why do I feel like a psycho? Tell me….am I going crazy already that’s why they are suggesting me to go to therapy and rehab?” I asked and he smirked.

“No…aigoo…why would you even think that? Ishi Kwon…for your information….you’re already a psycho ever since the day you were born…and it worsen as you grow up” he joked and received a playful slap on the arm from me.

“Yeah whatever Oppa!” I said, pissed.

“Aigoo…my baby is annoyed once again” he pulled me closer to him and kissed my temple.

“Oppa…I really don’t want to go to rehab…that place is only for crazy people and even though I know that I’m crazy…I’m still far from going totally insane” I told him and he laughed out loud.

Days passed by and we’re still on the convincing stage. This time, he’s with company for Eun hee, Dong min and Eon is also bugging the hell out of me. I know that all they want is for me to be well, but is there really an assurance that I’d be back in shape fully once I enter rehab? None, right? I’ve read a lot about anorexics going to rehab, some of them are even celebrities. According to them, you’ll be able to go back on track once again, but there are a lot of things that will surely kick your once you get out of that four walled place. I don’t know, but based from what I read, some of the patients were scared to face the real world after all the curing. They also said that they felt like an outcast for they haven’t been out for a long time and adjusting can make you want to go back to rehab again. These things are just based on my readings and everybody is telling me to not rely on it for each individual is different and the possibility of me feeling and experiencing the same things as them is slim.

“Tinky…there’s nothing bad in entering rehab…I mean…a lot of celebrities have gone in and out of it…look at them now! They’re all doing well!” Dong min said and I rolled my eyes at him.

“FYI…there are a lot who hasn’t gotten any better” I told him and he sighed.

“Yeah….do you want me to call my friend Lilo for you Gaylord?” Eun hee joked and I burst out in laughter.

“Hey! Lindsay Lohan is doing much better nowadays…she’s been a wreck but she’s doing fine already” Dong min defended and I just laughed like crazy.

I know that I’m not the only “celebrity” who entered rehab, but knowing where I came from, people who are like me are not openly taken well by the masses. I’m sure that once this news about me being anorexic and going to rehab explodes in Korea, countless articles will once again be released. We know the press, they’d kill me before I even get healed.

“Tell me…why aren’t you up for rehab?” Eon asked while we’re bumming around my apartment.

“Eon…don’t tell me you’re going to push me to go to that freakin place as well” I told him and he gave a nod.

“OH PUH-LEASE!” I looked at him in disbelief and he just looked back as if telling me “You’re nuts if you’ll not consider”.

“Look…I’m  fine….I know that I’m not healthy at all…but I’m sure that I’ll get back to normal soon…I don’t need intensive care for I can take care of myself…medications are fine but a rehab center isn’t” I said and he sighed heavily.

“Ishi….You are just saying all of these because you’re still in denial…I know that it’s hard to take that kind of sickness…but…you really need medical help…it’s not that you’re extremely sick or psychotic…you are going to enter rehab because you have to get back in shape so that you can go on with your life well and without any problems” he said and I just stared at him.

As a matter of fact, I’m already tired of all these talks. I mean, why wouldn’t they just let me be? I know myself, I’m stubborn and totally insane sometimes, but I care about myself and if I focus my mind to something, I know that I’ll succeed in it and now, my focus is my health.

All the talks and convincing went on for weeks and what shocked me is that, G-dragon and my friends tagged along more people and I’m telling you, they are not just any ordinary people. They are the ones that I look up to and respect a lot, so there’s no way for me to not listen.

“OMO!” I said upon seeing JYP Sajangnim and YG Sajangnim.

“Good Morning Ishi” JYP Sajangnim said and I cried for I’ve missed my two bosses a lot.

“Come here” YG Sajangnim pulled me closer to him and gave me a hug.

“Aigoo…you’re really skin and bones” he said, making me laugh while crying.

“Sajangnims! I really missed the two of you!” I said cheerfully and they gave me warm smiles.

“Believe it or not…we do too” JYP Sajangnim said and pinched my cheek.

I cannot believe that they went here just for me. Well, they do this to other artists as well, but it’s just so touching because they came here at the same time when I know so well that they are dead busy with their work.

“How are you?” YG Sajangnim asked.

“I’m all good Sajangnim…there’s nothing to worry about” I answered and I can see in them that they are not buying what I said.

“If you’re feeling good…why do you look so thin?” JYP Sajangnim asked and all I can do is sigh.

“Ishi…we know everything already…and I must say…we are really worried and alarmed by your situation now…as a matter of fact…I was shocked upon seeing you for I didn’t expect that you’re this serious” he continued, making me hang my head down and pout.

“Aigoo…we know that you’ve been through a lot…but…we didn’t really think that you will be down like this” YG Sajangnim said in a fatherly tone.

“I’m sorry Sajangnims…I know that I’m to blame here” I said and they sighed.

“We’re pretty sure that you know why we’re here” JYP Sajangnim said and I nod my head.

“You’re here to convince me to go to rehab” I answered in a low tone and they nod their heads.

“Jiyong already told us everything…even the process of convincing you…and he also told us that you are hopeless and I must say that he is right” YG Sajangnim said and I looked at him in disbelief.

My lovely husband is not around the time the Sajangnims paid a visit for he and the rest of Big Bang are in London for an awards show. I cannot believe that G-dragon, my own husband and the person whom I love the most said that I was HOPELESS.

“He said that?” I asked and they nod their heads.

“PSH! That guy will really get it from me once he gets back” I muttered in anger, making the Sajangnims laugh like crazy.

“Aigoo…Yaaa…don’t get mad at your husband…he’s just telling the truth” JYP Sajangnim said so I just gave out a heavy sigh.

And the convincing started. Both Sajangnims are really good in talking and I’m telling you, they are slowly shaking me already. Like most fathers, they are so good in laying the possibilities if ever I do the right thing. They also explained to me the things that might happen once I don’t consider going to rehab and that’s when I got scared. Actually, what scared me the most is when YG Sajangnim told me that I’ll look like a living corpse once my disorder worsens. Of course, I don’t want to look like a corpse beside my dashing husband.

“You’ve got a lot of years to bring your career back…but you won’t be able to do that if you’re going to be this unhealthy” JYP Sajangnim said.

“That’s true Ishi…you can always have your career back…most especially when you’ve got all the right people to help you…thing is…if you’re not going to take good care of yourself…everything will just go down the drain…and having a comeback will really be impossible….of course…people don’t want to see a singer who is as thin and light as a feather” YG Sajangnim said, making me feel so bad.

After that talk, I am already in between of wanting to go and not wanting to go. It’s already clear to me. I need to be healthy for the Sajangnims are willing to give me another shot in the entertainment industry, but for them to give me that, I have to be healthy and in shape first.

Weeks turned into a month. I’m still under medications for my depression but my anorexia is still kicking me badly. As much as I want to eat, I can’t for I keep on throwing up