“You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present”

Have you felt so lost all of a sudden to the point that your mind suddenly went blank and no matter how you try putting yourself back together, you just can’t for you’re too scattered?

Honestly, the moment I saw G-dragon, all our memories together flashed right in front of my very eyes and it made things more difficult for me. I don’t know why, but I suddenly felt like not going on with the show anymore. I know that it’s so unprofessional, but I don’t think that I can last being with him in one place.

“This is so hard” I muttered while staring at him.

We are a meter away from each other but I can feel his heavy stares at me. I can see him clearly and it feels like I’m home again. The same feeling of security and overflowing love has came back and even though I know that he’s got someone else already, for some unexplainable reason, I can still feel love in his eyes, the love that he only has for me.

Next thing I know it, Khun is running towards me already “Hey baby girl!” he called out and didn’t even noticed that he passed by G-dragon.

I don’t know where that “baby girl” came from, but I saw G-dragon’s reaction the moment Khun called me and I can say that he’s as shocked as me as well. He snapped and just stared at me, wide eyed, while I stared back at him, pale and totally disheveled.

“Hey!” Khun said with a wide smile on his face, while I force myself to smile.

“Hey” I said and looked at G-dragon once again over Khun’s shoulder.

“Waaa….you’re so beautiful” Khun looked at me from head to foot, earning a smirk from me.

“Yah! If you’re going to tease me in the end…just go straight to it…there’s no need to compliment me” I told him, making him laugh hard.

“Aigoo…I’m serious here” he said and cupped my face with both hands.

“You are beautiful…and I’m not talking ….though your big wings looks like it’s heavier than you” he countered and I pushed his face away from me.

“There it is…I knew it! You’re going to tease me in the end” I said and he wrapped his arms around my waist.

“Good luck…I’ll be watching you from the sides and I’m so looking forward to performing with you walking down the runway” he said and I smiled at him.

“Thank you Oppa” I patted his shoulder “I can’t wait to walk down the runway as well…it’s gonna be my first time” I told him and he caressed my cheek.

“You’re gonna be fine…just don’t think of anything…or shall I say…somebody” he looked straight in my eyes and I suddenly saw jealousy in his eyes.

Why does he have to remind me of it? I’m brushing crazy thoughts off my mind and here he is, reminding me of it. I know that once I step on that stage with a clouded mind, there’s a possibility that I might screw up and I don’t want the whole show to up just because of me.

“Stop it…OK?” I told him and he sighed heavily.

“Ishi! You’re up!” the coordinator called out and I stared at Khun who looks like his mind is also clouded with so many things.

I can totally understand him. I know that he’s worried and challenged at the same time. It’s my first time seeing Khun jealous. Well, I know why he’s being like that. He’s afraid that I might go to G-dragon and not care about him anymore.

“Hey” I hold both his shoulders “I know what’s in your mind….please…don’t think about it” I told him and he gave me an awkward smile.

“Go now! You’re badly needed on that runway already” he said and kissed my forehead.

“I’ll see you on the runway” I said and he winked at me.

With my heart beating like crazy and mind totally messed up, I head to the runway and waited for my turn. Three models walked before me and when it’s time for me to do my stuff, I took a deep breath, fixed the big heavy wings on my back and started walking.

Loud music is all I can hear and I tried not to mind the crowd for I’ll just get nervous once I see their eyes glued at me.

The show went smoothly and I’m already in my 3rd outfit. I must say, Victoria’s Secret’s trademark wings are not that easy to walk with. Khun is right, it’s heavier than me and there was even a time when I almost lost my balance because I moved so much.

“Ladies and gentlemen….2PM!”

“Good luck!” I mouthed to the boys who are about to go up the stage already and they all smiled at me.

And off I go! I walked out while the boys are in the middle of their performance and I even stopped and danced with them a little. Everybody’s having fun and I’m loosening up as well. Their next song is I can’t, and that’s when I became really awkward. Khun walked to me during his part, held my hand and walked me to the end of the runway then looked at me in a very sticky way.

“Gue-dae saeng-gak-e jam mot-deun-neun bam-eul ji-sae-u-da….Heu-reul-got gat-eun nun-mul-eul cham-ji mot-hae ga-ggeum hon-ja…I cried (I stay up all night thinking of you…I can’t hold back the tears and end up by myself…I cried)”

“I love you” he mouthed and I just gave him a nod and awkwardly walked back to the backstage.

I don’t know, but Khun is acting really strange and I’m starting to get pissed for I can feel that he is trying to make G-dragon jealous. Oh for all I know, the boys can watch whatever is happening on the show in their waiting room and I’m pretty sure that G-dragon and everybody watching live and in simulcast have seen Khun mouthing I love you to me coz for one, the camera is tightly focused on us during that time.

“Aigoo” Eon said the moment I got back from the runway.

“I don’t want to do this anymore” I told him while the staffs started dressing me up for the next set.

Big Bang performed right after 2PM and my heart started beating so fast once again. This is it! I’ll be standing on one stage with G-dragon in a few minutes and my mind is much scattered now more than before. They are going to sing four songs and I’ll be goi