Misinterpretation of Weather
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/672647/misinterpretation-of-weather-angst-alternateuniverse-exo-luhan-sehun-hunhan

About: Sehun(Exo)+Luhan(Exo), angst, drama, self-harm, oneshot

Katrina
Finished 5/26/14

Title: 5/5 Overall, I like it because the weather's the symbol which is pointing to Luhan and Sehun's relationship and how one thing can change it completely. Normally, I would say this is relating too directly to your story, but since the story isn't exactly focused on weather, but more on the loveline, this is fine.

Foreword: 9/10 You have a mistype in your foreword, sentence 3, "forsee" should be 'foresee'. Also, in the last sentence, there's an apostrophe after "beings" which is really unnecessary. The next typo is the last paragraph, "annihlating" which should be 'annihilating'.

For starters, I like how you have a symbol in your foreword (the weather) to describe the relationship between Luhan and Sehun, but I'm not so sure about the foreword. The description is fine because it leaves a lot of questions unanswered which hooks the readers into actually reading the story. I think foreword is a bit vague because it focuses on the topic of weather instead of what's actually going on in your story. To change this, I think you should add in a sentence or two comparing Luhan and Sehun's relationship to the weather to make it blend together more, so it's clearer for readers. 

Plot: 16/20 The first fight Luhan and Sehun had feels like it came out of nowhere. I see that Luhan was stressed, but he was still trying to hold it in, and one word just made him yell that out. You should descibe his emotions more and add in more details before having him start a fight. For example, you can have Sehun ask him continuously about his day and what went wrong, like have him annoy the out of Luhan before making him snap.

Wow, I love how I found the excerpt from your foreword in the middle of your story, not the beginning. I would never expect that because normally, the foreword is the first paragraph in the story, so what you did there is good.

As for the originality of your plot, I would say it's based on a cliché outline, but you did change some things around to make it better. Your plot looks cliché because you have some unexplained things in your plot that I mentioned below. If you change those, then your plot would be fine.

Specific Advice: You didn't jam anything in, but you do have a few plot holes. For instance, how did Luhan and Sehun meet? Luhan has to be older since he has a job and all, but Sehun is still in college, so were they high school sweethearts? Or did they just meet right off the streets? Second, Where is Sehun's family? He is still in college, and I'm sure parents don't usually approve of their sons moving in with an older guy at such an early age. Besides, if they do approve, you should give a reason why and write it in the story. Luhan's family can be left out since he's an adult, so he has his own life. As for your ending, it's perfectly fine, not too pessimistic or optimistic. It's pretty neutral because you did say "they wouldn't think of that for now" about the accident, so you're implying that it's not over yet, and more angst might come in for the couple later on. That way, the ending isn't a happily ever after but a temporary moment of peace, and that is the realistic way of dealing with it.

Characters: 17/20 Like I said above, Luhan and Sehun's relationship has some unexplained points. You said that Sehun doesn't like to talk. Taking that into account, along with the age difference, how did the two meet? Who made the first move? Do Sehun's parents approve? How did they come into living with each other? You should explain the background story of how they met. It doesn't have to take five chapters, but they could be in bed, and Luhan might be thinking of his past and how he met Sehun. You don't have to include every detail, but give the readers a somewhat detailed glimpse that would make them understand the relationship better.

Besides that, I love how detailed you make Luhan out to be and how well you highlight his emotions and desires in every scene.

Grammar and Spelling: 19/20 You switch from past to present tense a few times. The main problem behind that is not looking over your work once you're done writing becuase writers tend to rush to write down their ideas before they lose them. We all know that when you're rushing, you will make mistakes.

You don't exactly have run-on sentences because grammatically, they're somewhat correct, but it just makes the story hard to read. You have a lot of sentences that can be separated; I think I see one near the ending that's four lines long.

You have a large vocabulary which is good, and you don't overuse your words.

Enjoyment: 4/5 The plot holes kept bothering me throughout the whole story because I just couldn't focus without thinking back to their backgrounds.

Structure: 5/5 Everything's neat and organized, so full marks here.

Overall: 75/85=88 You have a big vocabulary that really helped your case since you're working with a cliché plot base, which is like skating on thin ice. If you don't work out your plot well and give enough information, it would lose its magic. You don't have any spelling mistakes, so that's a plus as well. Your biggest problem are the plot holes. The readers need to know. How did they end up together? What is their background story? Take that into consideration, patch up some gaps, and you're set.