A Thing Called Love
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/674911/a-thing-called-love-romance-you-exo-baekhyun-chanyeol-minseok-jongdae

About: Baekhyun(Exo)+OC, romance, college

Ahri
Finished 3/20/14

Title: 4/5 The title is too general and common. It needs to relate specifically to something in your story to become better, more related to your story.

Foreword: 7/10 While your foreword does give a clear explanation of the story, it's too revealing and has some grammar mistakes. Okay, first the foreword should be in present tense since it is describing the story that the readers have not read yet. I changed some words around to make your foreword more appealing below. You can use that if you think it's better.
Description. 'Since high school, it has been Jong Dae, Chanyeol, and you, the inseparable three, against the world. It was perfect...until college comes and new guy, drop-dead gorgeous Byun Baekhyun or aka Mr. Byun Annoying, comes crashing into your little life, turning your world upside down.
Character List. There are some grammar mistakes in your character list, so I'll change some and also switch around some words to make it sound better.
1. 'Byun Baekhyun, the two-faced bastard who comes flying into your life and stealing the spotlight from you.'
2. 'Kim Jong Dae, the "mother" of the group who tries to take care of everyone.
3. 'Park Chanyeol, the innocent child who believes everything.'

Plot: 12/20 At first glance, I can tell that the plot is going to be cliché, but I expected twists and maybe a different way of writing that would make the story more original, but there is none of that. The story uses the most common themes to string the plot together. It would have been nicer if the main character had more flaws, besides panic attacks. Also, don't focus only on the main character's relationship with Baekhyun. Every chapter is about her worrying about Baekhyun stealing her friends. Describe other things like their families, setting, etc. Don't focus on one thing.

Characters: 15/20 It seems like you only gave the main character panic attacks because of that incident because you want her to seem more fragile, so Baekhyun would take care of her. This is not how panic attacks work. Just because she had to break up with someone won't give her panic attakcs. It has to be something really traumatic, like seeing her whole family get murdered, to cause her to act that way. That is also a very cliché way to set up the plot. In chapter one, the main character is angry at her friends, but the next day they're all better again, and she isn't showing any guilt. It's almost as if yesterday never happened. Give her more emotions to show what she feels at that moment. Your characters also act really moody and unrealistically. Baekhyun kissed the main character and then insulted her and walked away like it was nothing. One minute, he kisses her, then he insults her, then they're hanging out together.

Grammar and Spelling: 14/20 There are a few times where you would use present tense instead of past tense. I have one really big advice for you. If you don't know what a word or an expression means, search it up on google instead of just risking it and placing it in the story. Don't use words like "literally, practically, actually" so much because they make your story look messy. There are also a lot more grammar mistakes, but I left them out since they're not that major.

Chapter one, P(aragraph)1 "You noticed everything that when you hang out with them..." should be 'You noticed everytime you hang out with them...'
2. P2 "...and Chayeol always ditch you and gave you..." should be '...and Chanyeol always ditched you and gave you...'
3. P8 "You rolled your eyes watching him but you can't deny how sparkling his eyes was at that time." should be 'You rolled your eyes at him but you can't deny seeing that sparkle in his eyes.'
4. P37 "Tell me what you need to so that I can go to my English class." should be "Tell me what you need so I can go to my English class."
5. P38 "...being such a damn oppa and made you feel terrible." should be "...being such a bad oppa and making you feel terrible."
6. P54 "...he caught your sight first and shouted your name out loud that it actually echoed at the hallway." should be '...he saw you and shouted your name loudly so that it echoed throughout the hallway.'
7. P55 "How could any girls ever run away from me?" should be "How can any girl ever run away from me?"
8. P57 "...by leaving past them to your room." should be '...by walking away from them to your room.'
9. P72 "Why today of any other days?" should be 'Why today of all other days?'
10. P88 "Am I that ?" should be "Am I that much of an ?"

Chapter two, P11 "...trying so hard to be strong." should be '...tries so hard to be strong.'
2. P25 "...standing and looking at you..." should be '...stood and looked at you...'
3. P45 "...actually felt the warmth..." should be '...actually feeling the warmth...'
4. P51 "...you don't know why he suddenly have this insulted look in his face." should be '...you didn't know why he suddenly looked insulted.'

Flow: 11/15 Woah, don't jump right into the events. Start your story with the main character describing her life before Baekhyun before showing him right away. Start with how she meet Jong Dae and Chanyeol and what life was like before them and then with them before showing the readers how Baekhyun is stealing her friends. Give people more background information before starting. In chapter one, the main character fights with Baekhyun, but then at the end, he's taking care of her. Give more time before rushing all of these events together. Don't just start off the story like that and include everything. This is a romance, not a thriller.

Enjoyment: 3/5 I really disliked the overused plot and the unrealistic characters.

Structure: 4/5 When writing dialogue, you don't need a space between the quotation mark and the words. Always write out numbers in your story unless it's higher than 10.

Overall: 70/100 There are too many tense changes, so try to look over your work once you're done. The characters are also unrealistic; they act like puppets being controlled by you. The plot also needs some spice and side plots to make it more detailed.