SkyRebel
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
The Wolf and The Humanoid
About: bangtanboys, rapmonster, bangtan, jungkook, sugahope, taekook, kookiemonster
Bleu
Finished 5/23/2014
Title 3/5–Your title is really really really cliché. It's like me just saying,”The Prince and the Princess”,”The Girl and the Boy”,”The Pretty and the Ugly”,”The please-understand-this-crap-so-I-can-move-on” Like I was saying, your title is just so overused that it's not even interesting anymore. It gives barely any information, since after all, we already knew that a Wolf and a Humanoid was going to be in the story. So it was really irrelevant and you just kept repeating these words all throughout your story and I got really crazy from these words really. In the end, I felt like your title could be so much more such as,”One Nation”, or anything that is more unique and more about the story.
Foreword 6/10–First thing I would like to say is that whenever you're writing dialogue, and the format is along the likes of let's say,”My mom told us that we have to go soon,” Jessica said,” you should always have a space right after the comma and quotation mark duo. You do this all the time when your dialogue has a dialogue tag, so, make sure you always have that space no matter how miscellaneous it may look you must always have it. For more information about how to punctuate and space dialogue look at the following link [x].
Sometimes, I really can't tell if you're talking about the past or the present or the future. This is mainly because you use so many different tenses, at first your description made me think that Namjoon and Jungkook hasn't fell in love yet in the story, and then your foreword says that Jungkook and Namjoon are already in love. I think you should just stick with one time tense, and I think that should just be the present tense cause that would fit the foreword just perfectly.
When I say that your description and foreword sounds past tense, I mean that in the first chapter, Jungkook and Namjoon had already been in a relationship for a while and is in love. When I say that it's present/, I mean that Jungkook and Namjoon has just started falling love or that Jungkook and Namjoon are going to fall in love in the future.
I have a bad feeling that I feel like your description, gives a little bit too much information, like, I find it really irrelevant for you to tell us that Namjoon and Jungkook are going to fall in love already, well, and the whole possible consequences coming up. I mean, first of all, a description is made so that it can first grab the readers attention. And then, the foreword's job is to give the readers the information that they find necessary.
Also in the third to last paragraph in your description, you have an extra indentation mistake right before miniscule.
❁”When a wolf falls in love, he falls hard. Namjoon never had a choice when he fell in love with the beautiful humanoid. But even if he was given another chance, he wouldn't change it either way.” should be,”When a wolf falls in love, he falls hard for thou' culprit. Namjoon wasn't given a second choice when he had fell in love with a beautiful humanoid. But, even if he was given a second chance, I doubt he would have changed his mind anyway.”
❁”When a Humanoid falls in love, he detests it, with all his (partly) mechanic heart. Jungkook never had a choice when he was brought back to life with a heart that pumps silver blood and he doesn't know why.” should be,”When a humanoid falls in love, he detests it at first, with all his (partly) mechanic heart. Jungkook wasn't given options when he was brought back to life, and apparently, his heart pumped silver blood and he himself doesn't know why.”
❁”So when the Wolf and the Humanoid fall in love, they realize that there is still some human in them-no matter how miniscule- compared to the totalitarian government leaders of the survivors, One Nation. These are the heartless murderers issuing out bounty hunters to eliminate thousands of Hybrids one by one, while claiming it is for the good of the human race.” should be,”So when the wolf and the humanoid fall in love, they realize that there is still some human left in them-no matter how miniscule-compared to the totalitarian government leaders of the survivors, One Nation. These are the heartless murderers that issue out bounty hunters ordered to eliminate thousands of Hybirds one by one, while claiming to the public that it's for the good of the human race.”
❁”Out there,”Namjoon whispers as his long arms envelop over the...” should be,”Out there,” Namjoon whispers as his long arms envelop over the...”
❁”There's nothing out there,”Jungkook whispers back.” should be,”There's nothing out there,” Jungkook whispers back.”
Plot 17/20–The whole “Districts” really made me think of Divergent and Hunger Games. The lower the district number, the higher in society you are. I don't know if like, you get a lot of your motivation and fanfiction ideas from these books or what, but your story is really similar. Cause after all, there are meanings of abuse of power/oppression in both of these stories. And they also have rather distinguish atmosphere and is based on a futurist world.
I really felt like your plot and story was really lack-lustered. There wasn't anything interesting at all, and just way too much background information. I think you should give away background information as your story goes on, or you'll just bore out your readers even more. I didn't see any twists; cliffhangers, suspense, action, drama, romance, or anything interesting at all. I felt really bored out when I was reading your story and the rising action is just way too long and wide-spread. I really feel like your plot line is like a straight linear line, cause there is nothing exciting or anything that shows changes in atmosphere or anything.
Characters 13/20–I'm actually quite confused on the phrases, Hybrid, Wolf, and Humanoid. I really think you should have gave us a brief description in the beginning cause as I'm reading, I'm still confused on what these are. At first, I thought that “Wolf” actually meant a person with wolf attributes and DNA. But as I kept reading, I realized that Wolf was a nickname for bounty hunters. But I'm still quite confused on what Wolf, Hybrid, and Humanoid actually are. It would make a lot more sense if you actually give us descriptions and not make us figure it out when we have absolutely no clues given to us.
I was really confused throughout your story and your characters, although your characters were absolutely perfect and I really understood them. I really didn't get the whole Wolf, Humanoid, and Hybrid stuff. There was just so many unique words and such a futuristic world that I was really confused cause you didn't give any information at all, well, you gave some but these didn't help me at all since it was so subtle.
Grammar and Spelling 18/20–Whenever you have an em dash, you should never have any spaces before and after an em dash. Cause after all, there is no point.
The em dash is typically used without spaces on either side, and that is the style used in this guide. Most newspapers, however, set the em dash off with a single space on each side. Most newspapers — and all that follow AP style — insert a space before and after the em dash.[x]
Sometimes you capitalize Hybrid, Wolf, and Humanoid, and sometimes you don't. I'm really confused if you're supposed to or not. Can you please make sure you have this consistent? Cause only you know what these words actually mean and their purpose, and if the creator itself isn't sure, then how would the readers understand?
Whenever you're writing dialogue, and the format is along the likes of let's say,”My mom told us that we have to go soon,” Jessica said,” you should always have a space right after the comma and quotation mark duo. You do this all the time when your dialogue has a dialogue tag, so, make sure you always have that space no matter how miscellaneous it may look you must always have it. For more information about how to punctuate and space dialogue look at the following link [x].
Chapter One
❁P(aragraph) 13-”Mr Kim Seokjin.” should be,”Mr. Kim Seokjin”
❁P(aragraph) 32-”S-sorry!”The person on him exclaims, “I didn't mean to! Someone stepped on my tail...” should be,”S-sorry!” The person on him exclaims, “I didn't mean to! Someone stepped on my tail...”
❁P(aragraph) 46-”I'll see you soon,”He says with a dirty smirk and eyes that mean every word.” should be,”I'll see you soon,” He says with a dirty smirk and eyes that mean every word.”
Chapter Two
❁P(aragraph) 1-”My colleagues say you're the best one on the market now.” should be,”My colleagues say you're the best one on the market now.”
❁P(aragraph) 3-”Namjoon doesn't like the classic music that fills the club- he doesn't even know if he could call this place a club.” should be,”Namjoon doesn't even like the classic music that fills this club-he doesn't even know if he would even class this place a club.”
❁P(aragraph) 14-”This one isn't hybrid...”Namjoon trails off, his eyes scanning the two-pages long of information.” should be,”This one isn't a Hybrid though...” Namjoon trails off, his eyes scanning the two-pages long of information.”
❁P(aragraph) 16-”You eliminate people Wolf.”The old man answers.” should be,”You eliminate people Wolf, regardless of their attributes.” The old man answers.”
❁P(aragraph) 17-”Namjoon holds back from shoving a fist into the old man's mouth.He still remembers the iron collar still locked around his neck all too well, and he forces himself to breathe steadily.” should be,”Namjoon holds back from shoving a fist into the old man's mouth. He still remembers the iron collar that is locked around his neck all too well, and he forces himself to steady his breath.”
❁P(aragraph) 19-”Forgive me. I've been careless.”He mumbles under his breath.” should be,”Forgive me. I've been careless.” He mumbles under his breath.”
❁P(aragraph) 20-”Tell you what,”his boss proposes, slapping a hand on Namjoon's shoulder. “I'll take that annoying collar off-yeah you go free- after you're done with this kid.” should be,”Tell you what,” his boss proposes, slapping a hand on Namjoon's shoulder. “I'll take that annoying collar off-yeah you get to be free-after you're done with this kid that is.”
❁P(aragraph) 22-”Nothing!”His boss laughs. “You're free after this mission. You're 21 and turning older every day that passes. Get a girl... wolf and make some kids. Live your life.” should be,”Nothing!” His boss laughs. “You're free after this mission. You're 21 and turning older every day that passes. Get a girl...wolf and make some kids. Live your life the way you want to.”
❁P(aragraph) 33-”A fox...”Jungkook mutters under his breath and he laughs softly.” should be,”A fox...” Jungkook mutters under his breath and he laughs softly.”
There are more mistakes in your other chapters, but they are just really repetitive. Your mistakes are mainly just excess spacings, and that you never put a space after your punctuations. Really easy to fix right?
Flow 8/15–Please. I'm begging you. Please speed the pace up a lot more. It's really boring at the first 5 chapters, and it's just so slow that I quickly lost my interest in this story. Especially because there was nothing important at all, no action, suspense, cliffhangers, or twists. I felt like your story was just really boring and there was nothing interesting. Especially since your flow was so slow, I like how you gave a lot of description and all, but sometimes, it's just a bit way too much background information.
Enjoyment 2/5–Although your story was really easy to read and it was really clear and descriptive, and you see me preach about this factor a lot, it was just really slow and boring that I could really get myself in the groove to keep reading. Also, this story really felt like a copy of Hunger Games with a twist of Divergent, especially with the District names. I feel like you had a lot of potential, and as long as you speed it up a little bit more, I think this story could do really well. I mean currently, if I had a lot of extra time and wanted to relax and read, this story would be on at least the top 15 list to read.
Structure 5/5–Really great, although I'm not a huge fan of the word spacings it seems rather clustered. You did a really good job. Full points! :)
Specific Advice Wanted:
Requested Comments—I want to know whether I'm shoving too much information/events into one chapter. I have a lot of characters and I worry that my readers will get confused since there's so many events that include different characters in one single chapter.
Also, a kind of...general advice? What kind of details about the story and characters should I keep secret to myself and what are the ones that I should tell the readers to be able to keep them interested?(I always have a hard time deciding what to do.) Too many secrets hidden away from you gets you kinda bored...right?
Reviewer Advice—I do say that your chapters are a little bit long and rather boring cause of the length. But I do not think that you're shoving too much information/events into one chapter. I say that you're shoving just the right amout, but the amount of description and how wishy-washy you are to get to the point is really make the readers bored out. I noticed that you have a lot of characters, and from what I feel right now, the one major thing you could do to not get readers confused is to give us a description, I don't care where, about what Wolf, Humanoid, and Hybrid are cause I am greatly confused about that. And if there are many events that include different characters in one single chapter, then you should just say calm and take your time. Cause, it's not impossible and it's not confusing, as long as you think clearly about what you're doing. Also, make sure to understand the differences between major and minor protagonists/antagonists[comment if you want to know the difference]. About what secrets to keep and what secrets to tell away, give away the secrets little by little, well more than you are now, that you feel won't give away the or the really like twists of the stories. Currently, you have WAYYY too many secrets being hidden from the readers, and I am absolutely bored out of your story. I feel like you just need some more twists and suspense. Your story is a sci-fi, so make it a sci-fi.
Overall 72/100–The only thing you have any trouble with is your spacings. Remember, you always need spacings after punctuations unless there is special occasions. If you're really concerned about if you should or not, just ask me since well, I have no life, and I'll always have time to reply. Another thing is, your foreword is just full of so many tenses and it makes me confused of what's going to happen. Right now, from current experiences from reading your story, I am really bored out. There is just no secrets given in the beginning and I feel like, it's just really boring. Don't save all your secrets for later on, give away some of your secrets in the beginning too[as long as it's not like the first two chapters].
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