Can I Be Yours?
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/681481/can-i-be-yours-hiatus-angst-romance-exo-sehun-schollife-sehunxoc

About: Sehun(EXO)+OC, romance, high school

Ahri
Finished 7/6/14
Note: I apologize for the super long wait! Thank you so much for not canceling and waiting patiently!

Title: 1/5 It's almost like you made this title just for the sake of having a title; it's almost like you didn't put any thought into it. I would not pay any attention to your story if I were to pass by it as I am skimming through AFF. It's not catchy, and it's not original at all. It relates too directly to your story. It's not a symbol or anything. Make it relate to something hidden in your story, so it would be a puzzle. For example, it could be "Black Leather Shoes" because (for example) let's say Miss Jung wears those shoes, and Jieun wants to be like her, so she obsesses over that. That's a stupid example, but you get the point.

Foreword: 7/10 To start off, I like the cleanliness of your foreword and how it's not so cluttered that I can't understand it. It's easy to make out which belongs where, etc.

I'm guessing English is not your native language? I can't give you a whole grammar lesson here, but I'll try to point out what I can. First, verbs that come after singular nouns should have a "s" afterwards. For example, "She make the pie" doesn't sound correct, does it? That's because make should be followed by "s", so a correction would be 'She makes the pie.' If there are two people or more, it wouldn't have a "s". "They makes the pie" sound off, because it's really "they make the pie." I'm not good at explaining things, so I hope you understand this. If you don't, I'm happy to PM you the full explanation!

I like the big, fancy "Can I Be Yours at the top of your foreword. Your description is neat and would hook in readers, but there are a lot of grammar mistakes. I think your description is enough to describe your story, because the foreword is just reciting the description, but with more details. In other words, your foreword is unnecessary. I will correct your grammar mistakes after I finish up with the character list.

About the character list, you should never write something like "Cold outside but soft and playful inside." Basically, you just gave a big portion of your plot away. You should keep that a secret, allowing the readers to figure out Sehun's true personality as the story progresses. Your character description should never be in bullets because what fun are those? Describe with a paragraph! If you can write a story, you can definitely write a small description for your characters. For example, Kim Jieun would be "Kim Jieun is in her 2nd year of high school when she falls head over heels for Oh Sehun. Being clumsy and weak-hearted, she has a long way to go before getting Sehun to want her back." That's a bad summary, but you understand what I'm trying to say, right? Don't put random words in bullets. Put them into sentences which form a paragraph.

On a side note (which doesn't have anything to do with the review), is it just me or is Jiyeon's picture not showing? I don't know if my computer is messing up again, because I just had it fixed an hour before doing your review.

Anyway, let's move onto correcting the grammar mistakes in your description. I can't correct your foreword for you, because that would take up a lot of space, and you wouldn't learn anything. After fixing, adding, or deleting some words, I've come up with: "Every day- every second- she only looks at him. Even though he seems close, he is still unreachable. His glare makes her heart flutter. His smile makes her smile as well. When he's sad, she feels the same way. Ever since the first time she had laid her eyes on him, she knows that she is infatuated; yet, she knows that he cannot be hers. They are simply too different. When a woman from Sehun's past suddenly enters the picture, Jieun finds herself sacrificing everything just for Sehun's happiness, despite the bitter pain in her heart."

I chose to delete the question because I can never stand questions in the forewords. Unless the question works, I would change it, because questions describe exactly what happens in the story and only give two options: yes and no. Statements can go everyway. Jieun can end up leaving Sehun. Jieun can end up with Sehun. Jieun could do anything. Questions, however, only give two ways the plot can flow, which is boring. I didn't take any points off for this, since it's more of a personal preference.

Plot: 11/20 I don't mind cliché plots as long as they have a good development and twists here and there. You don't have any of that. First we start with Jieun bumping into Sehun. I have seen that in a lot of stories that it doesn't excite me anymore. I was willing to let it go until we get to another scene where she's basically running around looking for him. She finds him, and they walk back together. If only you developed it more like he could have abandoned her in the hallway or something to make it flow better. Instead, he accepted her. Then, he walks her home, and she suddenly feels a link with him until she sees him kissing another woman. There are no interesting points because everything just flows in the direction you want it to, not the way it would if it's reality. The events line up so perfectly that it's like you set up a plot and a script, and you're characters are following it.

Specific Advice: The way you describe the situations is fine since you make sure to use a lot of details, However, it's overshadowed by your unrealistic characters.

Characters: 11/20 I dislike how willing Jieun is to drop whatever she's holding or doing and run after Sehun. She just met him, but she's acting so caring. If he chooses to skip class, she shouldn't bother him. I understand if he saved her from suicide or something BIG like that, but all he did was stop her from falling over. That's nothing. I don't understand Jieun's actions. It feels like you are inserting yourself into the story and making Jieun do things to get the plot going, even if it's unrealistic. There are so many things I don't understand about Jieun. When we meet Miss Jung, why did time stop for Jieun as well? So what if she loves Sehun? Judging from his personality and position in the basketball team, there should be a lot of other girls who like him as well. What makes Jieun so special that she would freeze upon seeing her crush speaking to another woman?

Specific Advice: Your character descriptions are fine since you display a lot of emotion that make them come alive. That would be the case if only they didn't do such unrealistic actions. Jieun is like a dog to Sehun without any good reason. Why does she care so much that she would run after him everywhere and feel great hurt? Even if you have a big crush on someone, you have to get to know them close enough before feeling REAL hurt when they kiss another person or something.

Second, why doesn't Sehun seem to mind? If he's so cold, then he shouldn't be so carefree with Jieun being around him like a dog. He should say something. I don't care if you're only a few chapters in. He should object to Jieun. Judging from what you showed us of his past with Miss Jung, he shouldn't have a lot of contact with other girls, right? Then, what makes Jieun, a complete stranger to him, so different? Why is he only avoiding her and not saying anything?

Third, isn't Baekhyun Sehun's friend? Why would he tell Jieun Sehun's secret when he doesn't even know if she's close to him or not. It's not even her business in the first place.

Because of this, your characters feel so empty. They are like puppets to me, with you being the controller. Try to put yourself in your characters' shoes and think from their viewpoint. What would you TRULY do? Not what you want to do.

Grammar and Spelling: 12/20 I can't correct every single mistake for you, but I'll try to give as many lessons as possible. Let's start with nouns. When you're going somewhere ("Let's go to the canteen"), you have to add "the" or "a" in front unless it's a name of a place. In the first sentence of your story, you wrote canteen without anything, but canteen is not a name. It's a place, so it would be "Let's go to the canteen." The same thing goes for other nouns, besides places. "You're best student" would be "you're the best student."

You need to use commas when you're writing something such as "She smiled looking at her friend." I am not an expert on grammar, so I don't know the official rule. This is the rule I use for myself, and of course, it could be wrong, but it's right most of the time. When you have two verbs next to each other (of different conjuations), use a comma between them. For example, that sentence I wrote above would actually be "She smiled, looking at her friend." Because smile ends in "ed" and look ends in "ing", I separate them with a comma.

Another thing about conjugations is that verbs that end in "ing" have to have "was, is, are, were" before them. For example, "They standing in line" would be "they are (or were) standing in line." Are or were depend on your tense. If it's past tense, it would be "were" and present would be "are".

When you have two verbs next to each other, you should conjugate one of them. For example, "He ran, leave her" should be 'He ran, leaving her behind."

If you use verbs as adjectives ("He must be annoyed") it should end in "ed". For example, "Her neighbor must be tire" should be 'Her neighbor must be tired.'

Flow: 11/15 You rushed right through Jieun and Sehun's relationship. They barely had time to truly develop, yet Jieun feels so close to Sehun. Not only that, their relationship is barely touched on, but Miss Jung is already in the plot. You're adding extra drama to a plot that isn't even close to being developed.

Enjoyment: 4/5 The lack of development in both the characters and plot made your story stand out poorly.

Structure: 4/5 When writing a story, numbers should always be written out in word form, so "3 chairs" would be "three chairs".

Second, when you're writing your character's thoughts, you shouldn't do "/I did this" because "/" is not necessary. Do not change the font color. Just make it italic.

Never write "O//O *red face*" because this is a story, not a blog. Write it out. It should be "I stared at her wide-eyed with a dark blush."

Otherwise, everything is evenly spaced and neat.

Overall: 62/100 Your grammar needs some work, but your spelling is great. Those are not the features that stood out. It's your undeveloped plot, the addition of extra drama at a bad point, and unrealistic, empty characters that took away the magic of your story. Miss Jung and Sehun have an interesting relationship that could work since she seems kind, unlike the stereotypical love rival, but Sehun's past came into the story too early. Hold onto Miss Jung for a few more chapters before finally releasing her. Establish Sehun's feelings with Jieun first.