meemee343
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
About: Kris(EXO)+Chen(EXO), romance, royalty, arranged marriage, blindness
Ahri
Finished on 7/14/14
Note: I apologize for the long wait. Thank you for not canceling!
Title: 4/5 It’s short, simple, and eye-catching, but it relates too directly. The meaning of the title is given right from the beginning, and it’s repeated several times. We already know how it relates. It’s like you liked the word from the quote and decided to use it as the title right away, because it was lying right there, in front of you. Try to give a title that relates indirectly and leaves a mystery for the readers.
Foreword: 7/10 I do like clean and simple forewords, but this is too simple. It doesn’t provide me with a proper description of the story. I can tell this is about Kris and Chen, and it’s a romance, but what else? What makes this different from other stories? I think that if you give a definition of symbolon and how it relates to your plot would be better. Even if symbolon is meant to have a secret meaning that you don’t want to reveal right away, you should still give a tiny definition. Without anything that tells me what’s unique about your story, I wouldn’t pay this any attention. In your description, you should make everything flow into each other, but it doesn’t relate properly. The quote at the top talks about a soul mate, but your summary doesn’t say much about it.
Plot: 12/20 You say this is historical, but what part of history does this takes place in? Is this in China or Korea? What dynasty? You don’t describe the setting enough. What is the palace like, on the outside? Where is it located? You can’t just say something and expect everyone to understand you. If this is in China or Korea, then describe the culture there to show the history. What did people wear? What did they eat? How did they act?
Is homouality accepted in your world? Now, it is slowly being accepted by society, but you’re writing in the past. I’m pretty sure homouality wasn’t welcomed back then, especially by nobles or the royalty. Then, why is Yifan promised to another man?
Your plot is still developing, so I can’t tell you if this is unique or not, but the coupling is. This is a different type of arranged marriage since the other person is blind. You just need to be more specific. Even if you think small things don’t matter, you need to elaborate, because they make up the main plot. They support it.
Specific Advice: I think your story has a lot of potential. It has a unique coupling (blind guy arranged to prince) and a nice background that could allow for a whole bunch of opportunities and different side-plots. What overshadow those is how vague your plot is. I understand that this is only the beginning, and you probably have a long way to go, but you explain everything. Why is Yifan arranged to Jongdae? Why Jongdae? Why him out of everyone else? You have to tell us this information in the beginning. Another thing about the vagueness is that you don’t have a lot of background information. Where is Yifan’s mother? Why is Yixing with Yifan? Their relationship is also confusing, because is Yixing’s father Yifan’s father? Or are they related through their mother? If it’s their mother, then where is she? She hasn’t made any appearance at all? If they are related through their father, then why wasn’t Yixing with him from the beginning? Why was he taken in anyway? Did they need a spare heir in case something happens to Yifan? There are so many unanswered questions.
Characters: 15/20 In the beginning of chapter two, when Yifan and Jongdae are at the garden, how does Jongdae know it’s a garden in the first place? He’s blind, isn’t he? Along with that, how did he get to the garden in the first place? Even if he can walk barefoot, the palace should be pretty huge, so how did he find the garden? Now that I think about it, how does he know Yifan was standing there in the first place? Did a servant tell him? Did a servant give him directions to the garden? If so, you have to tell us that instead of assuming that we can understand. There are even inconsistencies when Yifan states that he likes “looking” at the grass or animals, and Jongdae agrees, but why? If he’s blind, he can’t look at the stuff. You also say that he likes being in gardens. Again, what is the reason for that? Does he like the peaceful, quiet atmosphere he gets from being in a garden? You need to elaborate.
In the flashback in chapter two, when Yifan finally accepted Yixing, I think that was too fast. Yixing was about to walk away and without any warning, Yifan just blurted out everything. What just happened? What made him change his mind? Describe his emotions and how it leads up to that outburst.
Yifan’s relationship with Jongdae escalated too fast without any developing action. It was like he noticed how sad Jongdae looked, and then he apologized without any warning. One minute, he’s saying how he hates how Jongdae’s blind, and he doesn’t want to have anything to do with the other man, but now he’s accepting him so suddenly? Even if they had a moment together, it still won’t provide him with enough trust to accept someone into his life like that, especially if they’re getting married.
Like I said above, Yifan’s actions are not explained properly. He’s missing crucial details that would make him realistic. It makes him seem like a puppet controlled by you in order to create a plot. A character should be brought to life and molded into a real person. Yifan doesn’t feel real, because he might want one thing but then switch to another thing in one minute.
Jongdae is rather vague, but that’s okay, since your story seems to focus mainly on Yifan’s POV. I think he’s fine, since he has a big flaw, and he sounds mysterious enough to keep the readers interested.
Grammar and Spelling: 16/20 You have a lot of run-on sentences. When you have two complete sentences, separate them with a semi-colon (as long as they are related to each other) or with a period. Don’t use commas to combine, because that’s not how they work.
I noticed that you tend to repeat words. “Just” is one example. You would write sentences like “He was just with him. He just showed his cold self as usual and just said goodbye.” There is a limit to using common words like that before it becomes redundant. Try to use different synonyms.
You either aren’t good with grammar, or you make a lot of typos. I suggest reading over your work once you’re done, because I can find a lot of weird words positioning that don’t make sense at all. It confuses me sometimes.
Chapter one P(aragraph)1 “…guards are even more strict than they were before…” should be ‘…guards are even stricter than they were before…’
2. P5 “…maybe even good than him…” should be ‘…maybe even better than him…’
3. P13 “His father says, room speaking for no arguments.” should be ‘His father says curtly, leaving no room for arguments.’
4. P16 “That doesn’t work that way, young man.” His father says, all authority that Yifan regrets ever explaining things to him.” should be “It doesn’t work that way, young man,” his father says. Yifan immediately regrets trying to explain things to him.”
5. P19 “…and even forget about his responsibility…” should be ‘…but still forgets about his responsibilities…’
6. P24 “…feel complete, and contented…” should be “…feel complete and content…”
Flow: 14/15 I like how you skip around scenes successfully without confusing readers. The pace is pretty smooth for now, except for Jongdae and Yifan’s relationship. That escalated too fast without any warning. Besides that, your plot is okay.
Enjoyment: 3/5 The lack of background information was very jarring.
Structure: 5/5 Everything’s neat and organized.
Overall: 76/100 To be honest, I can tell that you wrote this on a whim, because it lacks so much information that I can’t comprehend the plot. I can see it ending right away, without any action or . It’s not planned well, and the plot’s full of unanswered questions that should be answered in the beginning. There are questions that can be answered later on in the story, but most of them should be in the first two chapters. Your characters also need some more emotions
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