Kill Me

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/672973/kill-me-angst--jackson-mark-got7-jark-markson

About: angst, , jackson, mark, got7, jark, markson

Bleu
Finished on 3/12/2014

Title 5/5–The title is perfect, it is completely relevant to the story. It's eye-catching, and it's not cliché at all. I don't think I've ever seen a story with this title at all. Another thing is, this title is really relevant, and the story has a lot of reference. The title tells us how Mark is slowly dying, but he's not dying because someone is killing him, but he's dying because of Jackson. He can't live any longer if he continues to say by him. What I don't like is how in your foreword you said your title isn't literal, let the readers find that out by themselves, don't spoil it for them.

Foreword 9/10–Your foreword is a little bit all over the place, I think the order should be, the description,”Everything that kills me...makes me feel alive” and then the foreword with the story monologue, and then finally the author note. Cause when I first saw your foreword, I had only first noticed the description and I was like, “That's it”, but then I saw the foreword, I think your foreword should have an order of importance. Also, the author note should be on a separate section than the description, unless you wanna keep it in the description, at least put a horizontal line before it. This isn't part of the point system, but I'm just wondering, what's with your review credit sections? I tried checking what other reviewers thought about your story, but all of the links led me no where. Whenever I clicked on one, it either said, Story Not Found, or Error. Also, you don't have to say that your title isn't literal, I mean, your story should tell the readers that it's not literal.

❁””His cheekbones are more sculpted. His skin is clearer. Even from here, I can tell he's grown. He's put together, he's neat in his suit and tie, and here I am, standing in my jeans and rolled-up sleeves, my red hair desperately in need of a brush, working at the local coffee shop.” should be,”His cheekbones were more sculpted. His skin was clearer. Even from here, I can tell he's grown. He's put together, he's neat in his suit and tie, and here I am, standing in my jeans and rolled-up sleeves, my red hair desperately in need of a brush, working at the local coffee shop.”

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was because I noticed that you were talking in past tense, you used past tense adjectives/verbs, but your state-of-being verbs just didn't correspond. Your state-of-being verbs were more of present tense, and not past tense. The main problem was, why were there quotation marks in the beginning? I didn't see the ending quotation mark, nor did I see anybody talking or dialogue.

❁””Hey, Mark.” His voice is deeper than I remember it, clearer, more confident. He's changed. He blinks again, the surprise at seeing me clearing for something unreadable, something like guilt and something like shame. “Haven't seen you in a while.”” should be,””Hey, Mark.” His voice sounded deeper than I had remembered it to be. It was clearer, and it sounded like it he had more confidence in himself. He's changed. He blinks again, surprised at seeing me clearing for something unreadable, something like guilt, and something like shame. “Haven't seen you in a while.””

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph, was mainly because I thought it would sounded better if I had split a sentence apart. Another thing is, I'm really confused on what you meant by,”clearing for something unreadable, something like guilt, and something like shame.” so I let it be. I don't know what you mean by “clearing”, clearing tables? Could you inform about what you meant?

❁”I force myself to swallow, to move my mouth. He shouldn't be able to do this to me. He shouldn't be able to control me like this, make me shut down so fully like this. 'Yeah.' It's hard, it's cold, it's as comfortable as steel, it's saying, yeah, and it's your fault.” should be,”I forced myself to swallow, to move my mouth. He shouldn't be able to do this to me. He shouldn't be able to control me like this, make me shut down fully like this. “Yeah, it has been a while.” It's hard, it's cold, it's as comfortable as steel, it's saying, yeah, and it's your fault.”

Plot 19/20–Wow, I have no words for your story. The way you introduced this story was amazing, it gave perfect background information, and it really gave us a good glimpse at the two characters. This is the first story with a Jackson and Mark pairing, and I really liked it. You do a really good job writing in a way that really brings out Mark's personality. It actually sounds like something a person would say, it doesn't sound too bland at all. You do a really good job at transitioning, there is not one time where I'm wondering, “Is this about the past? Or is this about the present?” or “Where is this happening at? Their house?” I was so excited when I saw your foreword in the story, it gave such a huge suspension. I'm having mixed feelings about the ending, I mean the ending was good, but I really wished Mark and Jackson got back together in the end. What I found really cliché was when wrote that Jackson walked into the sun, who hasn't heard that phrase? I mean, its the most cliché phrase I've heard in every romance novel.

Characters 18/20–You did a good job at introducing the characters, what I wonder is, is Jackson and Mark in a relationship in the beginning of the story? Cause you wrote that they were sleeping in either the same bed, or room. Were they lovers who were dating? Or were they living in the same apartment/dorm, because they went to the same school? I notice that you explained this later on the story, but couldn't you explain it earlier? One thing I was rather confused about was why did Mark not like Jackson? How did Jackson change? You didn't give any details about exactly why Mark didn't like Jackson, all you said was that he's different than how he was when Mark fell in love with him. The characters were developed perfectly, they each had different personalities, but what I didn't like was how much Mark's personality was well, lacking, there wasn't much about him. Another thing is, I wanna know who is this Jaebum? How did Mark meet him? Did they use to work together? Or were they friends during education?

Grammar and Spelling 19/20–Your grammar and spelling is absolutely perfect, the only times where there's something wrong is when you use the wrong tense, another time is when you use the wrong state-of-being verb. Another thing is, you should only use “an” when the next word is a vowel. A vowel is a,e,i,o,u. There's nothing I can complain about your grammar and spelling at all. Good Job.

❁”He's most likely too drunk to notice if I sounded like I was awake and register that that might mean I've heard him creeping in after midnight, but it's always better to be safe than sorry.” should be,”He's mostly likely too drunk to notice if I sounded like I was awake, and register that that might mean I've heard him creeping in after midnight, but it's always better to be, than sorry.

❁”The next morning, I'm up before the bell, sliding out of bed and disabling the alarm on my phone before it can wake the demons. I don't think I can deal with Jackson this morning, and the best way to avoid having to stick a smile on my face and pretend the bags under my eyes don't exist to avoid him.” should be,”The next morning, I'm up before the alarm, sliding out of bed and disabling the alarm on my phone before it can wake the demon up. I don't think I can deal with Jackson this morning, and the best way to avoid him is by sticking a smile on my face, and pretending the bags under my eyes didn't exist.”

❁”In the kitchen, I grab an bar...” should be,”In the kitchen, I grab a bar...”

❁”No bothering to put anything on the bagel...” should be,”Not bothering to put anything on the bagel...”

❁”I just have a overwelming need to get out.” should be,”I just have an overwhelming need to get out.”

❁”Relief that I've gotten out before Jackson, relief that I'm no longer in a square box not much taller than me, floods me as I start across to the door.” should be,”Relieved that I got out before Jackson, relieved that I'm no longer in a rectangular box that's not much taller than me, relief floods me as I start across to the door.”

❁”And I'm tired of wondering where you are, so you're with...” should be,”And I'm tired of wondering where you are, who you're with...”

Enjoyment 4/5–I have somewhat mixed feelings about this fanfiction. Overall, I really liked it, the only thing I didn't like is the ending, I wish Jackson and Mark ended up together, but I guess the ending you have is good as well. I really love how your story is something really unique, I don't see much stories like this at all. The only thing I don't like is the minor characters just randomly popped out, such as Jaebum, Bambam, and Say. Lastly, you have really good transitions.

Structure 5/5–You have perfect structure, the only thing I would change is the font size and style in your foreword. Instead of it being italicized, just keep it usual. Your paragraph spacings are a bit too small, make them a bit more widespread? They're too clustered and it just looks like a huge blob. Lastly, your font size, type, and color is perfect. I really don't have anything to complain about.

Overall 79/85=93/100–Your story is amazing, and you only have a few mistakes here and there. The only thing you should use is have an order of importance in your foreword. Another thing is, I have rather mixed feelings about the ending, I would have preferred Mark and Jackson to be together, but your ending is also really good.