sushi-sykes
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}swan princess odette
About: luna, psychological, tradegy, anorexia, fx
Bleu
Finished on 8/16/2014
Chapters Read 1/1
Author Note–Hello, this is Bleu also known as iShiroKins, the reason I'm writing an author's note is because I've realized that you must be quite upset of how late this review is. Please be assured that we did not forget you, or was it because we were lazy and didn't want to work on your review. We have exactly all of the requests in order. Although this isn't a proper or acceptable excuse for having a late request, the reasons why we've been so backed up is because of the following...Okay, so in April-May a lot of members went on vacation and so on, and then, when they came back, it was not long for them to have their finals. This really gave us the worse situation ever, I'm sure you guys, as fellow authors, know how hard it is to balance Asianfanfiction and school finals. I do not think this will be a good enough excuse or apology for you to look away from this mess-up, but please know that we had no means of showing disrespect or ignorance to this review.
Title 3/5–You should always, always, always, capitalize your titles no matter what. I was rather confused on what your title meant though, is there anyway for you to make a note about what “Swan Princess Odette” is?
Foreword 8/10–I'm rather lost on how you were trying to format your description. What do those parentheses mean? They don't really seem to have a purpose in that format at all. Parentheses are used with a word, clause, or sentence inserted as an explanation of afterthought into a passage that is grammatically complete without it. But in your cause, there really isn't any need for parentheses. It's parentheses is the two kids, and the words are the forest. The parentheses are lost in the words. There is no meaning for them, I was rather cut off when I saw these parentheses. If I were you, I would just completely remove parentheses, your description would be completely fine (even better) if there weren't any parentheses. I was really wondering why there was a need for parentheses in the first place, there was no circumstance that really shouted that it needed them. It felt like you felt like your description was dull, or non-interesting, and you wanted to spice it up with something odd and new. But, parentheses isn't what you should have chose.
Your foreword is really well written, I love the idea that you were able to tell your readers that Luna does ballet with just saying the word “leotard”, at first I was rather confused on it, but then I searched it up and it made complete sense. Kind of ashamed of myself for that since I myself also did ballet when I was young. Instead of just simply writing something like,”Luna does ballet”, or along that format you chose the harder and more creative path. I was really impressed by this since it really made you seem like a high-level skilled writer. Great job with this point.
Another thing I would like to say is that I feel like you overuse pronouns too much in your foreword. I know that it was hard writing without revealing Luna's name, but there are other strategies than simply using “her” or “she”. For example, you can remove the pronoun and just start with the verb. I'll show you what I mean below when I correct this paragraph.
I recommend avoiding using the same word more than twice in a sentence. For example, your pronouns, I noticed that you tend to use these words a lot of times in a sentence. Remember that over-using it can sound really repetitive to your readers and it'll make them bored or even sicken of your writing. Repetition can be a curse and yet a gift. Some writers use repetition to highlight their story more, repetition can really make your story look a lot more “rich” or “classy”. But overusing it can be really bad, it will make your story seem really redundant and boring. It takes a greatly skilled writer to figure out when she should start and stop using repetition.
I really love the flower sigma you chose to use at the end of your foreword, not only did it create a gap between the author note and foreword, it also gave us a hint of the atmosphere. I love how you chose the creative route and did a picture that looked pretty, and it also fits with the atmosphere of your story.
Correction(s)
1) Mistake–“the sky shatters and rains shards of glass (as the lights dim and perfection dies)”
1) Correction–“as the lights dim and perfection dies, the sky shatters and rains shards of glass”
2) Mistake–“She sees flabby arms and yearns for a thigh gap, dark circles under puffy eyes. Her face is a pallor shade; she is instantly filled with repulsion. She casts a dirty look upon the lumps of fat gathering at her joints. When she leans closer to the mirror, she sees freckles dotting her nose, her lips cracking and bloody. Her leotard clings to her slightly protruding stomach and the tights do nothing but enhance her thick calves. While girls have a head of healthy hair, her auburn locks appear limp. Her cuticles are a mess and her small nails – she nibbles on them once in a while – don’t help make her fingers seem longer and less chubby than they are. She comes to a simple conclusion – she’s still fat.”
2) Correction–“She sees flabby arms and dark circles under her puffy eyes, but she yearns for a thigh gap. Her face is a pallor shade; she is constantly entranced with repulsion. She casts a dirty look upon the lumps of fat gathering at her joints. Whenever she leans closer to the mirror, she sees freckles dotting her nose, and her lips cracking and bleeding. Her leotard clings to her slightly protruding stomach, and the tights do nothing but enhance her thick calves. While other girls have a head of healthy hair, her auburn locks appear limp. Her cuticles are a mess, and her small nails–which she nibbles on once in a while–don't help make her fingers seem longer and less chubby.”
Plot 17/20–Your plot really resembles the film Black Swan. I noticed that in the comments, one of your readers noticed that too. I, myself, have watched Black Swan many times when I was young so this really shout out to me. You replied to your reader that you had no idea how relevant your story and Black Swan was, but, even if it was a coincidence, I think it would be best for you to maybe write something in the foreword talking about the resemblance of your story and the Black Swan. Even if it was a coincidence, it would do no harm to at least acknowledge the relevancy right?
What really made me think that your story and Black Swan was a like was the very last sentence. “I was finally perfect.” Now let's compare this sentence to the last sentence in the film Black Swan,”I felt it. Perfect. It was perfect.” Although in your story Luna was saying how she was perfect, and how in Black Swan, she was saying an object was perfect. But the wording and formatting are really similar, and even if it was a coincidence, please do at least write something about the relevancy, I mean, it's better than having like 10+ people complaining about how these two pieces of literature are so similar right?
Some other “coincidences” in your story is the shard of glass, in both stories, a shard of glass was symbolism. It was really odd how there was more than one coincidence in your story and Black Swan's. Another thing is, in your story, the teacher is trying to prevent Luna from performing due to her behavior and performance. While in Black Swan, the mother is trying to prevent the main character, Nina, from performing due to her behavior.
Overall though, your plot is really interesting and I'm amazed how you can really animate your events to life. You made such teeny-bits of description and detail into something really touching and emotional to your readers. You do a really great job at explaining and using really high level words. I was really impressed with your plot and I would be glad to read your stories once again!
Characters 20/20–There's not really much to say about your characters, since it was just Luna. I think that you did an amazing job at describing Luna. You really showed the growth of her sanity throughout the whole story and I was really impressed. You did a really good job at focusing on just one person and ignoring the rest that aren't important.
Grammar and Spelling 18/20–You use the pronouns “her” and “she” way too much. I understand that you don't want to overuse the name “Luna” and want it to be mysterious. But you use “she” way too much. Refrain from using the same word more than twice in a sentence. If not, your story will just be redundant. Besides from this, your grammar and spelling is perfect.
Enjoyment 4/5–I was really impressed by your story and how you made something so simple into something so complex. But I find it rather weird how there are so many coincidences in your story that resemble Black Swan.
Structure 5/5–Perfect, nothing to complain about. Have you ever thought of indenting your paragraphs though?
Overall 75/85=88/100–I was rather surprised how much your story resembled the film Black Swan. Please make sure that you know that you should never use a word more than twice in your story, unless there is special reasons to it. Also, make sure you capitalize your titles no matter what. I like how you used anxiety and anorexia as the main theme of your story, I completely understand anorexia in the ballet career. I was also thinking that smoking cigarettes could be a theme too. Smoking a cigarette not only makes you skinny, but it also makes you happy.
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