Kris, the Unbelievable Playmate
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/657623/kris-the-unbelievable-playmate-comedy-fluff-romance-you-exo-luhan-kris

About: Kris(Exo)+OC, romance, comedy, high school, judo, moving, rejection, kingka,

Ahri
Finished 4/9/14

Note: So sorry for this very overdue review!! It's becuase I have to wait for Roseline to finish before writing mine.

Title: 4/5 While your title does attract the readers who want a nice, fluffy romance, it's not that original. I guess it could be okay, but I don't like the word "playmate" in there because he isn't exactly her playmate at the moment. I think you can a much better with the title. Give it a more discreet tone to the story. Have it relate to something more subtle in the story, like "Sandcastles" since Nayoung and Kris did meet when she was making a sandcastle.

Foreword: 6/10 The only thing wrong with your description is that it's in past tense for most of the time. I understand if you are talking about the past, when your OC and Kris were still playmates growing up, it should be in past tense. However, when you skip to the future, about when she is going bankrupt, it should be in present tense since that is part of the current timeline.

Always write numbers lower than 10 out. The general rule is that if the number is higher than 10, it can be kept in number form, but if it isn't, then you have to write it out.

Your foreword is too long. It gives away a lot of the story! You can reveal Nayoung meeting Hana and Daehyun later on in the story instead of placing it in the foreword. Yes, it does attract some readers, and it helps with the plot, but it reveals a lot of the story.

Plot: 15/20 The plot really isn't that original, and I had hoped to see any twist that could make it more unique, but there aren't any. I know anyone can turn a cliché plot into a non-cliché one, but you need twists and different types of characters or other factors to turn it into a different plot! Try to add some twists in like something that the readers will never expect. However, the twist has to be realistic and has to relate to the story. For example, don't suddenly reveal that Nayoung is an alien or a descendent of a royal family. A twist could be that she's secretly adopted or she's someone from Exo's long lost sister. Anything as long as it isn't overused. Right now, you use a lot of common themes such as her being "bankrupt" and having to live with Kris, who is rich, judging from the maid, and a hot kingka who has girls all over him. At least make him a nerd, you know what I mean? Give the main plot some side-plots, for example, to spice things up.

Second, your plot seems really rushed. You have events of all kinds coming in from everywhere. First, she gets rejected, then she meets her new family, and then she gets into trouble at her new school. Get some basic information down first, get her school life settled down, and then go into the main action, like her getting into a fight with Meri.

Characters: 15/20 In your foreword, you said that Kris's father named him Kris right after birth, so it's not his nickname. The thing is that Kris is not a Korean name, and neither is his Chinese name, so how are you going to work with this? I hate to ruin your character like this, but you have to think about all these little details while writing a story.

I feel like Nayoung accepts the fact that her family's going bankrupt too easily. I know she probably suspects that something is suspicious, but still, the fact that she's going to become poor and risk losing everything should have an impact on her. By impact, I mean a traumatic, kind of scared impact, not angry at having to move away impact.

Along with that, Nayoung seems like a complete mary-sue because she doesn't seem to have any faults. She does judo, and is seemingly strong and badass, she now lives with Kris who is hot, and she knows all of his friends who are also all over her. Give her some flaws and lessen up on all the judo. Make her more realistic, like weaker for instance.

Nayoung also seems to get over things very easily. She got rejected by Daehyun recently, and she hasn't thought of him a lot since moving away, and judging from her thoughts of him, it seems like she has a big crush on him.

Grammar and Spelling: 18/20 There are a few instances where you would switch from past to present tense. The parentheses are correct, but I think your story would look better without them. I mean, make the sentences full sentences on their own without using the parentheses and interception another sentence. If you really want to show Nayoung's thoughts, write it in italic.

Chapter 1, P(aragraph)37 "And what guy would want such a musculin girl like that?" should be 'What guy would want a masculine girl like you?'

Chapter 2 P34 "...and hugged repetively." should be '...and hugged repeatedly.'
2. P51 "Kris and you seemed the only ones not catching the joke..." should be 'Kris and you seemed to be the only ones who did not get the joke...'

Chapter 3 P1 "The sound of seats belts unbuckling..." should be 'The sounds of seatbelts unbuckling...'

Flow: 12/15 This story just came in like a wrecking ball. What's going on? You literally flew right in and started on the plot. There's no background story describing the current timeline before the events in chapter one. Who is Nayoung? Though it is obvious that she lives in Korea, you should still include some kind of side thing describing the setting. More things to describe are her family, her friends, and herself, like her life at the moment instead of focusing on her confession to Daehyun which could come later. The things you wrote in your foreword can come in chapter one.

Next, your flow eventually becomes rushed after chapter one. You have events flying in at all directions. I already explained this in the plot section, so just slow down. Nobody's going anywhere, so you don't need to rush everything because that just turns people away.

Enjoyment: 4/5 Despite the cliché plot, I really liked the way you wrote Nayoung's character. You gave her a tough exterior and made her likeable since she wasn't too whiny or annoying.

Structure: 5/5 Your spacings are really neat, so it was easy to read your story and review it. Spacing is important since it helps the story flow along, so full marks for that.

Overall: 79/100 Don't be discouraged by the score because your story has a lot of potential! You're really good at giving your characters life and making them likeable which is an important factor. You make Nayoung exciting because the readers can never guess what she's going to do next, and she has this strong, badass I-don't-care-about-rules personality. Just remember to keep her flawed and realistic. Give her faults. Have her lose a judo competition for example. Just remember to add in twists to your story!