Dokmishin
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
About: Jung Yonghwa(CNblue)+Park Shinhye, romance, melodrama, high school, cancer
Ahri
Finished 3/5/14
Title: 4/5 While I do like your title in a way, it's too common. Try to find another title that is more creative and not as common.
Foreword: 7/10 Personally, I would make the pictures of the characters smaller because readers usually don't read the descriptions if the pictures are too big because they would take attention from the characters' descriptions. Since this is more of a personal preference, I am not taking points off. Second, your characters' descriptions have a few mistakes. In your foreword, you switch from past to present tense many times. Keep your tenses the same.
1. For Park Shinhye, "...from the world she has been living in since she is young."
2. 'Jung Yonghwa, a hot headed guy who is tired of his life as a good for nothing.
3. 'Yoon Shi Yoon, the best friend of Park Shinhye since they were little kids. He acts cute but when it comes to Shinhye's welfare, he becomes as fierce as a father.'
4. The last paragraph of your foreword, "Yonghwa, you are going to hurt." should be "Yonghwa, you are going to get hurt." and "Her tears are like falls." should be 'Her tears are flowing down incessantly.'
Plot: 17/20 I'm glad you have other plots going on here at the same time. Your plot is a bit cliché since most of the things here are common ideas. Try to add twists here and there to make your story more special. I can practically guess what is going to happen next. You also spend too much time on Shinhye's disease and her growing relationship with Yonghwa to focus on her background. What is her school life like? Does she have any other friends? What about where she lives? You are too focused on the plot to notice the other factors.
Characters: 17/20 I actually done some research on leukemia as I was reading this story, and I found out that leukemia can't be inherited exactly. Yonghwa and Shinhye act too unrealistically around each other. They act like they are best friends when they first meet. It's almost like you are making them act the way you want them to, not the realistic way they should. You reveal the main characters' background stories all at once in two chapters. This makes your story less mysterious because you need to make the characters more secretive and then slowly release their secrets in order instead of all at once.
Grammar and Spelling: 16/20 You switch from present to past tense a lot of times. Remember, past tense is when verbs end in 'ed', except for some irregular exceptions. Remember to keep your tenses the same. You often mix up words like "they're and there", "you're and your", etc. Make sure you read over your work. You also have some grammar mistakes, but not a lot of spelling mistakes.
Chapter one, P(aragraph)6 "Shinhye has a Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Her father died when she was a little kid, died from leukemia. His disease genes were unfortunately linked to her." should be 'Shinhye has Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Her father died from leukemia when she was a little kid, and that made her genetically predisposed to cancer.'
2. P8 "He is Shinhye's Mom accompany when it comes to her." should be 'He is Shinhye's mother's accomplice when it comes to her wellbeing.'
3. P14 "Shinhye getting curious what she is really having." should be 'Shinhye got curious about what she really had.'
Flow: 13/15 Your flow is a tiny bit too slow. You are focusing too much on only two things. Try to speed things up without messing up your plot.
Enjoyment: 4/5 Your story is somewhat cliché, and it's too focused on dialogue instead of background.
Structure: 4/5 You space too much. There are too many spaces between your paragraphs. Also, at the end of a story, you have a bunch of spaces between the last paragraph and the end.
Overall: 82/100 While the characters and spelling are pretty good, the plot is too cliché and is to focused on dialogue and character than the background. Where are the characters? What is life like around them? Who are their friends?
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