Escape
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/374772/escape-chanlli-fxband-exo-sehun-kaistal-sesul-fexo

About: Sehun(Exo)+Sulli(fx), Kai(Exo)+Krystal(Fx), Chanyeol(Exo)+Luhan(Exo), romance, sci-fi, fantasy

Katrina
Finished 6/16/14

Note: I know you said you want a fast review, but because of many personal issues, we have been very late, so I apologize that you had to wait two months for a review.

Title: 3/5 It feels like you made a title just for the sake of having one. It relates to everything in your story, and it's not rare or interesting enough for me to stop and look at. If I were to look at a bunch of sci-fi stories, I wouldn't find your's more attractive than any other story.

Foreword: 9/10 Starting with your description, the second to last sentence "...and all that's left was just a husk..." should be '...and all that's left is just a husk...'

This is optional since it's more of a personal preference, but I think it would make your characters stand out more if you put what the threat level is out of (3.9 out of 5 for example). It would give the readers a clearer image on the characters. You do state this in the story, but it would work as well if you place it in the foreword and then have Sehun explain the meaning in chapter two.

Your foreword is really nice, since you bolded the correct words to emphasize what you're trying to convey. So far, your foreword really hooks me in, and I'm pretty sure the readers feel the same way. The description is detailed but not too much that the readers would already know the full plot (although you could take away some words). I suggest that you put the foreword right after the description instead of after the character list, but since this is a personal preference, it's not mandatory.

Plot: 17/20 You never really explained how people with abilities got captured. I don't know if you explained this in your later chapters, but you need to explain this earlier (first 2 chapters). I understand how the lower rankings can be captured (since they don't have fully developed powers yet), but the level fives confuse me because if they are level five, they would be very powerful, right? If so, can't they just wipe out the guards? Unless the guards are wearing some type of suit that makes them immune to their abilities (like the Sentinels in Xmen).

I can't say that your plot is original, because the base outline is not really that uncommon, but your plot development might help balance that out but only if you add more feelings to your writing. I just can't feel the spark in your plot.

The one thing that I can feel, and the main reason why you got such a high score in the plot section, is the mood. The mood is the hardest thing to do in a story (well, to me it is), but you give this dark prison mood which is expected since that is your setting. Even so, there are many writers who use settings like this but still can't establish a mood because a mood either comes naturally or you have to think about the specific events to use to make one.

Specific Advice: To be honest, I don't know what to say about your plot. You have all your information right, except for what I just mentioned above, but your plot seems so well-planned out, and that is not always a good thing. It feels like you made an outline, and you stuck to it completely. Now, I'm not saying that outlines are bad, but if you follow exactly what your outline says without thinking, it might lead to a script-like story, and that's the feeling I'm getting. Of course, you have some moments in your story that actually trigger emotions in me, but most of it feels like a part of a script. I think it's because you have this plot already designed and thought through in your head, and you want to write it down, but sometimes after writing something down, you will realize that it's not what you wanted. Your plot is really nice and all, a bit slow, but a good read, but it just needs some spice. I know the rules say that we only read up to chapter 6, but I scanned through some of the later chapters to see if your plot picks up later. It does start to pick up in chapter 6-7, but the first six are pretty dull.

Characters: 17/20 What I find a bit off is that in chapter five, around the beginning, when Sulli has her vision, it seems so random, like you just threw it in because you really wanted the readers to see it. It came in timely, but it just didn't really match. It escalated really quickly.

In your story, you mostly describe what your characters see or feel from the narrator's POV, not what the characters feel themselves. For example, "she feels happy." That's what you're saying, but how do I know she's actually happy? Is she skipping around, smiling at everyone? Describe her actions or ACTUAL feelings. Is she thinking of butterflies in a large, green meadow when she's happy? Don't just say "she feels happy" because that's too general. Specify how happy she is and what she is doing when she's happy.

Another example is in chapter six, "She noticed that Luna had a serious look on her face." What's a serious look? Are her eyebrows scrunched up? Is she playing with her tray? Is she focusing her eyes on the guards? Tell us what serious is. Don't just say that she's serious.

I'm pretty sure that I don't feel any emotion or connection to your characters because you don't describe what the characters are actually feeling or doing. If you focus on their current actions instead of what they are displaying, then you can create strong, impactful characters.

Specific Advice: I like the couples and how their relationships are different from each others'. So far, they all act pretty realistically, and noone is being too dramatic or irritatingly mary-sue-like. You do a great job at giving a good air of mystery around Chanyeol and Luna, despite them being so cheerful. You foreshadow a lot about how they might be spies for the government or a rebel. You don't have to change anything for how the characters act, besides what I mentioned above.

Grammar and Spelling: 17/20 You switch from past to present tense a few times in each paragraph, but it won't really hinder anyone from reading your story, just the reviewers or normal readers who are obsessed with grammar. Even so, I suggest you read over your work once you're done since sometimes it gets annoying, but normally it's okay.

Chapter one P(aragraph)5 "...while some was smeared with ashes." should be '...while some were smeared with ashes.'

Flow: 14/15 (Specific Advice) Your flow is kind of unstable. In the first two chapters, you immediately introduced your two main characters and started to give the readers a glimpse of the setting. Then, in the next chapters, you threw in most of your characters and then just took your time to develop them enough for the readers to know who they are without going much further, except for Kai who you revealed the backstory of. I think you sometimes go slow and then you go fast the next chapter. I guess it's because you didn't really care about how to start your story, so you just had to get some ideas down but when you actually began to introduce the characters, you were really excited, so you rushed through them. It's a common mistake, and it's really minor, so it doesn't really affect your story.

Enjoyment: 4/5 The reason you got one point off is because I don't feel a connection to your characters, and I can't quite feel the passion in your plot. It just feels a bit empty.

Structure: 5/5 Everything's neat and organized. I especially love how you put the date and time in every scene.

Overall: 86/100 In total, your story just feels dull. Your characters feel like puppets in a play. You just don't have enough details to make it feel real. I can't connect with anyone. Your flow is acceptable; it could be better though. Your tense changes stand out (at least, to me), so just remember to look over your work once you're done. That's the main problem for mistakes like that. Your story overall has a lot of potential, but you simply didn't bring it up to that.