Live Till The End...

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/577400/love-till-the-end-baekhyun-chanyeol-hunhan-baekyeol

About: Baekhyun(EXO)+Chanyeol(EXO), Luhan(EXO)+Sehun(EXO), angst, hunhan, baekyeol

Bleu
Finished on 7/5/2014

Chapters Read 3/3[Excluding the chapter with only an author's note]

Author Note–Hello, this is Bleu also known as iShiroKins, the reason I'm writing an author's note is because I've realized that you must be quite upset of how late this review is. Please be assured that we did not forget you, or was it because we were lazy and didn't want to work on your review. We have exactly all of the requests in order. Although this isn't a proper or acceptable excuse for having a late request, the reasons why we've been so backed up is because of the following...Okay, so in April-May a lot of members went on vacation and so on, and then, when they came back, it was not long for them to have their finals. This really gave us the worse situation ever, I'm sure you guys, as fellow authors, know how hard it is to balance Asianfanfiction and school finals. I do not think this will be a good enough excuse or apology for you to look away from this mess-up, but please know that we had no means of showing disrespect or ignorance to this review.

Title 2/5–Never have an ellipses in your title. There really is no point of it being there, I see no reason why it's there what so ever. Remember that your title isn't supposed to be a sentence. I really don't see any relevance your title is to your story, I don't know if it's because your story isn't quite finished though. Your title itself isn't that intriguing. I mean, it's really cliché and it doesn't really pop when you first see it. I don't quite get your title either, I mean, love till the end, that could mean a lot of things. I'm really confused overall.

Foreword 5/10–The first thing I noticed is your “characters” section, that is quite a poor execution. Do you not care about your character section? How come NONE of those names are capitalize? It may not seem important, but that doesn't mean your readers don't look at it. If I were just a random reader strolling by, and I saw this poor execution of a character section, I would think that you don't care about your grammar and spelling. And then, I wouldn't expect much of the rest of your story if you treat something like this, this poorly. Please remember, no matter how small the detail is, and no matter if it makes a huge impact to your story or not, please don't get lazy and just “randomly throw stuff there”, since after all, your readers will look at it.

What is a “farewell review”? Is it something that's involved in your story? I'm not quite sure what it is supposed to mean...

What is with your capitalization? If you choose to capitalize all the words, there is absolutely no problem with that. But if you only choose to capitalize the first word, then do that as well. But please, don't go back and forth with it. Stick to one option, and don't skip around. Capitalizing every word doesn't necessarily give emphasize to them all. If you really want to emphasize your words, then simply italicize or bold them.

I'm a little bit confused on your punctuation, you sometimes have ellipses and periods, but then there are some lines that don't have any at all. Even if there really isn't the NEED for an ellipses, at least put in a comma.

Whenever you're writing dates or birthday, it should either be something like, May 7^th or 7^th of May. Don't randomly make something up, cause if so, it won't sound write when you read it. You mentioned that Chanyeol was the “President Council”, the president of what? When you write these things, it should be usually written as “The President of the Council”.

Your formatting really irritates me, I mean, what is with these massive pictures in the way? They're simply just distracting the readers from the text, and it bothers them when it gets in their way. If you really want to put pictures in, then simply make them smaller. Don't make them too big that it gets annoying and distracting.

As for your foreword, what kind of foreword is that? I really don't think you understand how to use a description and foreword correctly. A description is meant to drag your readers into your story, it's supposed to attract them and make them intrigued to the story. As for your foreword, it should be the next thing the readers should read, the foreword is in charge of giving the information to the readers. But in your case, your foreword is nothing but a “side dish”. There is absolutely nothing important in it, except for you mentioning that another pairing will be Luhan and Sehun. Is that really a good way to waste space for your foreword? If I were you I would just have your foreword as either; an excerpt, a quote/poem, or a monologue. I'm really confused on your formatting, it's just so messy that it's really hard to comprehend what you're trying to get to the readers.

Personally, I kind of wished there was something that led the readers. All I see are Baekhyun and Chanyeol messages to each other, I kinda wish there was like a synopsis or prologue that led the readers to the introduction of the story. I think that you are missing a lot of elements in your foreword, and because of this, it's not really making your readers that intrigued to your story.

You have many many grammar and spelling mistakes, I understand that English is not your first language, but please remember to proof read your spelling sometimes. If you really want to know, you could always get a beta-read from someone. Another thing is, your capitalization is really quite bothersome. Individually it's okay, but when you have paragraphs with both of these then it's quite weird. Make sure you're not missing these two styles.
 

Corrections

Note: I did not include any capitalization fixes in this because if I were, then it would be a massive paragraph. I think it'll be quite easy to fix it on your own, but if you have any questions, please do ask me. I don't think your capitalization is necessarily wrong, but it is messy. Make sure you keep your two styles of capitalization separate, meaning, don't have these same styles in the same paragraph.

1) Mistake–“baekhyun chanyeol sehun luhan and other character”

1) Correction–“Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Sehun, Luhan, and other characters”

2) Mistake–“6 MAY,”

2) Correction–“MAY 6TH”

3) Mistake–“18 Years Old.”

3) Correction–“18 YEARS OLD”

4) Mistake–“Although both of us have been together for a long time..”

4) Correction–“Although both of us have been together for quite a long time...”

5) Mistake–“Lately It seem Like you are not happy with me...”

5) Correction–“Lately, it seems like you're not happy with me...”

6) Mistake–“The wall between us become thicker than ever”

6) Correction–“The wall between us became thicker than ever,”

7) Mistake–“I'm Sorry For Everything.”

7) Correction–“I'm sorry for everything.”

8) Mistake–“If This Way I Can Make You Happy”

8) Correction–“If This Way I Can Make You Happy,”

9) Mistake–“For Your Sake Of Happiness”

9) Correction–“For The Sake Of Your Happiness.”

10) Mistake–“I Will Always Love You”

10) Correction–“I Will Always Love You.”

11) Mistake–“Pleade Don't Forget About Me”

11) Correction–“Please Don't Forget About Me.”

12) Mistake–“Although This Wish Is Really Selfish”

12) Correction–“Although This Wish Sounds Quite Selfish,”

13) Mistake–“That's All I Hope From Youe”

13) Correction–“That's All I Hope From You.”

14) Mistake–“Even Your smile Is Not Mine Anymore”

14) Correction–“Even if your smile does not belong to me anymore,”

15) Mistake–“Im Glad You Still Can Smile Eventhough That person Is Not Me”

15) Correction–“I'm glad that he can still make you smile, even though, that person is not me anymore.”

16) Mistake–“27TH NOVEMBER,”

16) Correction–“NOVEMBER 27TH”

17) Mistake–“The President Council”

17) Correction–“The President of the Council”

18) Mistake–“I Still Love You Baek.. Is it hard to get you back. Im still wanna see your smile. Its been two years because of the accident. Please Baek Don't Keep All The Thing By Yourself. Don't Dissapear. I Just can make fake smile now. Why Is Hard And Gone Like This.”

18) Correction–“I still love you Baek, why is it so hard to get you back? I still want to see your smile. It's been two years since that accident. Please Baek, don't keep everything to yourself anymore. Don't disappear. Why is it so hard? Why are you gone?”

19) Mistake–“Side Paring”

19) Correction–“Side Pairing”

Plot 9/20–I noticed that in Chapter 3(not the chapter title, but the chapter itself) you have just a short authors note. That's a complete waste of a section of your story. Instead of doing that, why not just put that message in your story feed? I mean, what's the point of wasting a whole chapter just to write this measly message. Please remember that another can change the perspective of your readers, and this really changed my perspective.

I don't think you understand what it means to write in a character's POV. When you're writing in a character POV, such as Baekhyun, that they're talking in first person. Meaning, they don't say their name, but say “I” instead. When writing in a character's POV, you should always pretend to be in the character's shoes. Meaning, you see what they see, and you do what they do.

Your story is really messy and disorganized. It's like you're literally throwing stuff on a blank canvas. There is no sign of a plot really, it's just so messy that I can't make anything out of it. I really wish you had took some more time to organize your story, there is just so much build up for your introduction that I really sense no plot whatsoever.

Overall, I feel like your plot is really messy and has little development. Maybe it's because you're not quite there to your yet but I don't know. All I'm reading is this fluffy piece of literature, and then you add this paragraph that's all depressed? I'm really confused. I don't see a hint of angst in your story really, there is just so much fluff in there. I really think you need to re-organize your story, it's just so hard to read with your paragraphs and events. I really wish there was just something that's drawing the border between angst and fluff for this story.

Characters 10/20–If Luhan is eighteen, shouldn't he have already graduated already? I mean, if this story keeps going on as you said. Luhan would graduate at the age of 20 wouldn't he? Or something, cause the age his is right now seems quite unbelievable. I mean, he's going to possibly be in the last year of high school, shouldn't he be preparing for college and what not? Another thing is, Luhan and Sehun really don't seem like teenagers to me. They act so childish and what not.

Isn't your story supposed to be angst? From all of the character interactions I've read, there is no such thing as angst in there. It's all just fluff. I really feel like you overdid the character personalities a bit too much, they just seem to unrealistic now. You should really re-look at what you want your characters to be, since I really don't think this matches what you want them to be at all. From what I've read in the foreword, there really is nothing that resembles them.

Overall, I feel like your characters are really lacking. There isn't anything that's really driving them. If I didn't read everything really carefully, I would have believed that this story is a slice-of-life. Which isn't something you want, right? I really think you need to re-read your story, cause there is definitely something wrong.

Grammar and Spelling 11/20–I noticed that you have quite the amount of grammar and spelling mistakes, there really isn't quite a distinct one, but they are quite shallow. I think you should always proofread before you submit a chapter and post it. If you're really lost, then I would suggest getting a beta-reader if necessary. Or having someone with quite good grammar and spelling to check your story once it's finished.

You have a lot of run-on sentences. This is mainly because you never seen to add a comma or anything. A trick to figure out whether or not you're writing a run-on sentence is simply to read it. If you feel like you're talking a lot, and there hasn't been any pauses for a while. Then that is a run-on sentence. Usually, when there is an “and”, you should probably have a comma besides it.

Don't use excess question marks and exclamation marks. I understand that you wish to emphasize their actions, but please don't use more than 2-3. If so, it makes your writing look really childish and makes your readers feel discouraged.

Make sure to always have apostrophes when you're writing compound words such as “I'm” and “It's”. If not, then it would be wrong, or the readers will think of the vice-verse meaning of the word.

Overall, I feel like you really need to proof-read your chapters. You must remember to use apostrophes, and watch how you're writing your dialogue. Your dialogue really doesn't match the character's personalities what so ever. They're way too unrealistic. I think that you have some troubles with tenses as well, sometimes you write in present tense when it should be in past. I think you should proof-read your stories, and if you don't believe that your current skills can do it, then get either a beta-reader, or something that's good at grammar and spelling to proof-read your stories.

Corrections

There are a lot of mistakes, but I'm not going to bother to write them all down. If I were, it would be like 7-8 pages of mistake. I think that you can easily fix them if you really tried your best. Just listen to the advice I listed above. If you have any questions please feel free to question me. Message me on my wall, our review shop's comment section, or etc.

Flow 8/15–I don't really see a flow in your story, it's just so slow that I can't make out what you're even trying to write about. It's been three chapters, and you really haven't reached anything sentimental to the readers. There isn't anything that's really making an impact. I feel like you should speed it up a little bit more, and have less of those fluffy character interactions.

Enjoyment 0/5–I didn't enjoy your story that much at all. Your paragraphs were just way too messy for me, and I couldn't understand it at all. You really need to learn how to make new paragraphs instead of just clumping everything together. I think overall, you really need to proof-read your chapters. And make sure you're not over exaggeration with your punctuations. Having too much exclamation marks and question marks can really make your story look really childish. Also, I'm a little bit confused with Luhan's age. Another thing is, your characters really don't resemble the “angst' genre you mentioned your story was going to be. Overall, I feel like your story is more of a fluff and slice-of-life.

Structure 2/5–Something I had noticed is that sometimes you double space after a period. There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing so since sometimes, especially when writing college applications, they specifically ask you to double space. But, if you decide to double space, then make sure you do that throughout your whole story. Please don't just go from single spacing and then double spacing.

What I said up there applies to paragraph spacing as well, and capitalization styles. I've noticed that you switch back and forth from these as well. What I want to say about paragraph spacing is that make that you know the maximum is usually just 2-3 spaces, if you do more, than it looks way too wide-spread, and if you too less, then it looks too clustered.

Please make sure that the style you choose to do (let it be paragraph spacing, period spacing, tenses, capitalization) make sure you keep that style throughout your whole story. Absolutely don't go back and forth from these styles, or else it would look really messy and unorganized.

I don't think you understand how to separate paragraphs. Currently your whole story is complete mess. Your paragraphs are really hard to look at and read. You need to understand how to separate paragraphs and when to. This is something I got off from a website, it's an easy way to know when to start a new paragraph. [x]

When to Make a New Paragraph

The Big Idea

Learning how to break your stories and essays into paragraphs is a confusing but important job. Nobody ever really sits down to tell you the basic rules about when to make a new paragraph, so you generally have to muddle along, making the rules up for yourself. This is too bad. New paragraphs are important for the reader. They tell when you're switching time, place, topic or speaker, and they help break the page up so it is not just a solid block of writing. Seeing that can be discouraging, and you don't want your reader to be discouraged before she even starts to read.

Before You Begin

You don't really have to have anything done before you begin this process. You can break a piece of writing into paragraphs after you've written it, or you can do it as you go. Doing it as you go is the best choice but you might not be able to do that right off the bat.

How To Do It
There are a few standard times to make a new paragraph:

• When you start in on a new topic

• When you skip to a new time

• When you skip to a new place

• When a new person beings to speak

• When you want to produce a dramatic effect

Let's look at them one at a time.

New Topic

This one's mainly for essays. Every time you go on to a new topic, you should make a new paragraph.

New Time

This one—and the rest—are mainly for use in short stories. Whenever you skip some time, that will probably be the right place to make a new paragraph. If you find yourself using phrases or sentences like these, you are skipping some time:

• Later that day,

• The next morning,

• Five hours passed.

• They waited and waited.

• Life in Dullsville remained unchanged.

• The seconds seemed like hours.

New Place

Scenes in stories generally happen in one place. When the characters go to a new place, a new scene happens. At the very least, a new paragraph happens. Any time you have a “Meanwhile, back at...” phrase in your story, make a new paragraph.

New Speaker

If you're doing a good job, your short stories are going to have dialogue, or characters talking to each other. Dialogue helps bring stories to life. Every time you switch speakers, you make a new paragraph. Sometimes this means that your paragraphs are really short, because all a character might say is,”Nope.” If that's all he says, though, that is as long as the paragraph needs to be. Another thing to remember is that, if you put the “he said” phrase before the quote, or you character does some action before he speaks, you should make that part of the same paragraph as the quote.

Dramatic Effect

Sometimes you simply want a paragraph to stand out, or you want to slow the reader down and control the pace of the story. At times like this, you can make a brief sentence—or even a word—an entire paragraph. Just don't overdo it; this gets old fast.

Overall 47/100–I feel like you have a lot of working you need to do to this story. It's just really messy and unorganized. The main point I would like to make is your paragraphs. Please understand how to break paragraphs and start new paragraphs. And if you don't do this properly, it really makes your readers confused and want to not read your story since it's so hard to read. Make sure to be careful with over exaggeration and having run-on sentences.