EXPERIMENT 1004
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/671468/experiment-1004-angst-psychological-bap-daehyun-youngjae-inceptionau

About: BAP, OC, mystery, psychological, dreams, experiment

Katrina
Finished 7/3/14
Note: I apologize for the long wait for your review. Thank you for waiting patiently and not canceling.

Title: 5/5 It’s unique, interesting, and only relates to the story indirectly. If someone were to stumble upon this story, they wouldn’t know the meaning of the title unless they actually read the story, so full marks for that.

Foreword: 5/10 This is not enough information to introduce the readers to the story. If I were to stumble upon this story, I wouldn’t say because I don’t know what the plot is. There are seven people in an experiment who are apparently sleeping. That’s all I know. What is their purpose? Why are they sleeping? Why are they there in the first place? I’m not telling you to explain your whole plot in the foreword, but give us a small outline of the beginning, so we know what’s going on.
Is your plot related to the movie Inception? I have never watched Inception before, but I’m not the only one. You should tell us how you were inspired by Inception to write this. You can write a description related to Inception. Like I said above, I have never watched it before, so I can’t use information from the movie as an example, so I’ll use “The Hunger Games.”

A story inspired by the book/movie could have a description like “2000 years from now, there are no longer countries. Regions have teamed up to fight against each other. After centuries of war, a single nation triumphed over the others. Known as the Capitol, they quickly seized every region as their own, forced people into slavery, and established a brutal game known as the Hunger Games.” That’s the first paragraph describing the world the story takes place in. Then comes in the paragraph about the writer’s own characters. “Kim Jieun grew up like the other children, fearing the annual Hunger Games. She has always been a lucky girl and had gotten everything she wanted- until now. Standing in the crowd of children from her district, she watched as the announcer opened , knowing that she would never be called- “Kim Jieun!”

Do you see how that description merges the book’s plot and the writer’s own plot together? That’s what you should do in your description, but it doesn’t have to be that detailed. It could just be a short introduction as long as it gives something for the readers to see.

Plot: 16/20 The whole psychological dream idea is nice, and I was hooked by it. It is a unique plot that you executed well. I could tell that it’s well thought-out, and there were a lot of links in each of the boys’ dreams that would connect them to each other.

What I don’t understand is your overall plot. Why? That’s the big question I had as I read your story. It was like I was just reading a drabble. What’s the point of this? Why were they taken? Is this just a four-shot of mystery that was inspired by Inception and a music video? I can’t grasp what the point of this plot is. The boys are given stimulations by this nurse, but what does she gain from it? There are just a lot of unanswered questions. I guess you want it to be this way? Personally, I find this too vague. This story is too focused on the characters that there isn’t a real plot. All they do is team up to rescue the nurse who put them there in the first place, but what’s the purpose?

Despite this, I do like how there’s a dark mood going on here since moods are very hard to do. I felt like the mood wasn’t present in all areas sometimes since the plot would be too engrossed on finding the nurse that the darkness disappeared for a second and was replaced with light.

Characters: 16/20 (Specific Advice) Your characters are very well-described. You really show us their pain and fear, but I feel like there is something off. I think it’s because your characters have very similar personalities despite their different situations. They all choose the same choices. When they were talking about waking up the nurse, they all agreed together. Of course, in that situation, it would make sense to, but no one got angry, besides Youngjae. No one started cursing and calling the nurse out. Youngjae getting angry is understandable because he did get played, and he was closer to the nurse than the others, but them being calm is odd.

What I’m trying to understand right now is how the dreams connect to the characters’ fears. I understand Junhong’s since he has always been oppressed by his parents, so the theme park represents his lost childhood. I also understand Yongguk since he was played by so many women that he became empty inside and could never protect his own heart. Since Daehyun’s about cake, it has to do with his eating disorder. I just don’t understand Himchan and Jongup, but maybe it’s because they never had their own problems to begin with. They were the two emptiest characters because they were just really alike that whatever they did reminded me of either one.

The nurse is a big mystery. You should've given us hints of her identity for us to put together to figure out the mystery of why she was doing all of that. It would have been a second mystery for us to show which would make your story better. The way I see it, she's basically a random character in your story. I can't connect or understand her even though she has a major presence.

Grammar and Spelling: 16/20 I’ve noticed that you tend to write sentences such as “This face, this body was exchanged with blood.” While this is grammatically correct, it would sound better and look more professional if you use hyphens, like “This face- this body- was exchanged with blood.”
Second, I’ve noticed that you use “&” instead of “and”. I am not an expert in the grammar area, so I asked my co-reviewers for their opinions on this, and they told me that it’s incorrect and that you should use “and” instead. Of course, none of us are masters of grammar, so if you are correct, then feel free to tell us. Either way, generally, most of the stories I’ve read (fanfics and books) use “and” and only use “&” in the titles. Using “and” would also make your story look more professional.

Third, at first, your tenses were fine in the character descriptions, but then when we get to the second part, it keeps switching from past to present tense. You would write “said” which is past tense but then, other verbs would be in present tense.

Fourth, I noticed you have a habit of writing incomplete sentences such as “Polish marble floor reflecting off the chandeliers.” or “Just a high school boy.” Since the rest of your sentences are fine, I’m guessing this is another case of not proofreading, and you did state that you don’t do it.

Chapter one P(aragraph)4 “…the ones that doesn’t love us…” should be ‘…the ones that don’t love us…’
2. P9 “…when I diagnosed with depression.” Should be ‘…when I was diagnosed with depression.’
3. P11 “Even women cheats me off…” should be ‘Even women cheat me of…’
4. P16 “…activity based of stimulations…” should be ‘…activity based on stimulations…’
5. P22 “She rest assured…” should be ‘She reassured…’

Chapter two P13 “…if the photograph turns our well.” Should be ‘…if the photograph turns out well.”

Flow: 15/15 (Specific Advice) The pace is quick but steady enough for this story to be interesting instead of being rushed. It definitely kept me on the edge of my chair. If your story was longer, it would be a real page-turner since there’s a lot of suspense and mystery, but the lack of a proper plot really overshadowed this. Either way, your flow is perfect, and you gave an equal amount of attention to each character.

Enjoyment: 4/5 The tense changes and run-on sentences distracted me a lot. The ending left me with a lot of questions which made reading the story seem like a waste of time because I didn’t get anything from reading it.

Structure: 4/5 One character should speak in each paragraph. Since this doesn’t occur often, I’m not sure if you do it by accident or not. Since you did state that you don’t look over your work, that could be the problem. Otherwise, everything else is neat and organized.

Overall: 81/100 You have a mood going on and the right amount of mystery and suspense to keep me on the edge of my seat. The plot was a great read, but the ending left me unsatisfied. There were a lot of unanswered questions. I'm not telling you to review the whole mystery to me but give some hints of the reason. You can give us hints of the nurse's childhood or identity, so we can piece the rest of the plot together. Your typos, tense changes, and run-on sentences really took away the magic of your plot because it made your story hard to interpret. Your characters (BAP specifically) were well-described though.