My Lady From Limbo
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/713713/my-lady-from-limbo-angst-romance-scifi-kimdongjun-songjihyo

About: Dongjun(ZE:A)+Song Ji Hyo, angst, romance, scifi

Katrina
Finished 7/4/14
Note: I apologize for the extremely long wait for your review. Thank you for not canceling.

Title: 4/5 It's eye-catching and unique, but it just doesn't fit the mood in your story. Yes, it does relate indirectly, seeing as how you did put "My Past Lover" or something like that. Your mood is a sort of depressing, mysterious mood, but the title seems too cheerful. It sounds similar to something like one of those horrible titles such as "My 12 Lovers!" or "My Ex-Boyfriend Is In Exo?!" but of course not to that extent. It has a nice ring to it, but it just doesn't fit in with the tone of your story.

Foreword: 10/10 It's short and has a nice feel to it, so I would definitely read your story if I were to stumble upon this. You give us a vague, though not too vague, summary of the outline of your plot without including a lot of details, so we can tell what to expect from your story. Of course, we won't be able to predict everything. I also like how you used the whole foreword to define "limbo" instead of adding a character list, quotes, or an excerpt. You kept it clean enough to pique the readers attention without having too much to turn them away. I also like how you include comments from other review shops, like a real book would on the back cover. I have only seen this on AFF twice or more.

Specific Advice: There isn't an exact proper format for the description or foreword. It's really up the the writer if they want to include, let's say, a character list, long- summary, short description consisting of only four sentences, or quotes. About the description, for example, you know how the back of most books (or the inside of the cover) gives you a summary? That summary would generally be your foreword while a summary of that summary would be the description. I hope I'm making sense, but if I'm not, you're more than welcome to ask. For example, you have an opening paragraph to catch the readers' attentions, luring them into your story. Then the foreword would be there to explain what they are about to enter. Basically, the description is like "Come in and read this! It will be interesting!" Then the foreword would be, "This story is about a girl who meets a boy, etc." Yours does not look messy; in fact, it's the opposite. You aren't messing them up, so it's fine. Some people prefer to put the definition in the description, and the summary in the foreword, but like I said above, it's up to the writer. As long as they work, then it's fine.

Plot: 20/20 First of all, I love how Dongjun can't remember the woman instead of the cliché "oh, it's my old girlfriend. Guess I have to break up with my new girlfriend RIGHT away." This storyline is very engrossing. I love how you keep things secret, so we, as the readers, wouldn't figure it out right away, but we can make guesses as the story goes along. The flashbacks also provide us with some background information, and we can slowly piece it back together.

In chapter five, when Dongjun is yelling at Jihyo to get away, the crowd can't see her, right? I'm probably wrong, because I'm never right. I have watched a Chinese movie called "Secret" that stars Jay Chou (I don't know if you know him?), and the plot is somewhat similar to yours. By similar, I mean by a hair. Jay Chou plays a student who is the only one that sees this girl that we don't find out is actually dead until later on in the movie, and he figures out why people were staring at him weirdly. Because he is the only one who can see her, it appears to others that he talks to himself all the time. While I was reading the scene, I was suddenly reminded of the movie, and that's what I guessed. You gave some subtle hints (well, I saw them as hints) that people couldn't see her since the bartender only stared when Dongjun told him to take care of her. It was almost like he didn't know what Dongjun was talking about. The crowd was also pointing at him weirdly instead of consoling Jihyo when she started crying. I love these subtle hints because they point at something, but they can be a misleading clue to trick us at the end.

To put it all together, your plot is well-organized and creative. It also put together the background information and current timeline together to keep us informed of the past and why it affects the present. The main thing that I noticed is that you have a mood. Throughout the story, I kept feeling a foggy mood, like I was actually seeing a ghost.

Specific Advice: To be honest, I wasn't sure what you meant by a relationship put on hold at first, because most stories I've read either break up the couple or have them get even closer. Your chapter one was a great way to show what the word "limbo" had to do with their relationship since the woman didn't break up or provide any explanation to Dongjun.

Then, I read the rest of your first few chapters, and yes, they are very interesting. The cliff-hangers at the end of some of the chapters kept me at the edge of my chair, waiting for more. Right from the beginning, I could tell that this is definitely a story I would read on my own time, not for reviewing.

Characters: 20/20 First thing I noticed is that Joo Eun is a very different rival to the main love interest from other stories. Usually, the new girlfriend, especially someone who's from a rich family, would be spoiled, whiny, possessive, or inconsiderate of their boyfriends. Joo Eun is surprisingly kind and not that controlling. She is a bit possessive since Jihyo's appearance, but what girlfriend wouldn't be in that situation? She thinks about Dongjun's well-being instead of forcing herself on him and going on a blind rage over Jihyo. This is something new to me, but I love it. It adds extra drama to the story now because the readers don't know who to root for since Joo Eun is so kind to the main character, but she might be pushed aside for Jihyo.

Dongjun is also a surprisingly simple character. He's a loner who actually pushes Jihyo away instead of accepting her right away and taking her straight to his appartment on their first meeting. He also doesn't have a lot of friends. In most of the stories I've read, the boy would be popular and have a whole group with her, and he would care a lot about materialistic things. I haven't seen Dongjun pay any attention to that.

Specific Advice: Your characters are very detailed, and I can feel a connection to them. Though Dongjun's thoughts are very foggy sometimes and take attention away from the present, they keep me informed of his emotions. I can feel his inner turmoil and relate to it. As someone who takes everything very seriously (I freaked out for an entire week after hearing a noise in my attic) I can understand why he's thinking so much over a woman he'd never met before.

Grammar and Spelling: 20/20 Absolutely no mistakes at all. You're from Indonesia? Then, does that mean that you are not a native? That is incredible because your grammar and spelling are perfect. Do you proofread? There are many writing styles, and what I noticed is that recently, most of the featured stories have a large range of vocabulary. Yours didn't use a lot of adjectives but instead, focused on simple sentences piled together to form well flowing paragraphs. That is my favorite style of writing because it allows me to think freely of your story without getting distracted by an incessant use of vocabulary. It makes your story clear and easy to understand.

Flow: 15/15 (Specific Advice) Pacing? You do not need any advice on pacing, because you are amazing at making this story flow well. I have never read a story that has kept my attention on it the whole time as I was reviewing. While reading most stories, sometimes I get bored from time to time, and I have to pause to think over what I'd just read, because I tend to forget after reading the same sentences. Yours kept me right on track and before I knew it, I'd finished reading six chapters. I can easily compare my experience with your story to a real book, because that's how good your pacing is. If I could give you a 20 in this area, I would definitely go for it.

Enjoyment: 5/5 I have nothing else to say here. Your story was so perfect.

Structure: 5/5 Everything's neat and organized.

Overall: 99/100 Only 23 subscribers and two upvotes? How is that possible with something so well-written? Your story should be featured. I hate to take a point off for something so simple like the title. The flow and mystery of the plot kept me wanting more. The characters were also very well-detailed, and I especially love how calm Joo Eun is through this entire situation. She stood out to me the most.