Demon Prince Luhan

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/676440/demon-prince-luhan-comedy-fantasy-romance-school-exo-hunhan-kailu

About: comedy, fantasy, romance, school, exo, hunhan, kailu

Bleu
Finished on  3/18/2014

Title 4/5–I think your title should be “The Demon Prince, Luhan” because that sounds so much better than “Demon Prince Luhan”. Another thing is, I feel like the title just looks a little bit boring, maybe because it's so straightforward. I really like how relevant your title is, although I personally don't think it would be that hard to come up with your sentence, since it's pretty much the exact plot line of your story. The fact that Luhan finds out that he's the Demon Prince. I wonder though, why Demon? I don't see much of the characters mentioning that they're a demon. Does it mean that all the students in that all-boys school are demons? Or is it just specifically Luhan only?

Foreword 8/10–When I first read through your foreword, the only thing I could think of was, man, there sure is a lot of “demon prince” in your foreword. If you count them all, there would be like 5-6, and it's only a short paragraph with only like 50+ words! I feel like if you rearrange your words and add like synonyms to “demon prince” it would sound a lot better! Below there will be an example of how I personally think you should change your paragraph, but remember, it's just an example, you don't have to follow my example if you don't want to. Also, you should also italicize “mission”, the same way you italicize “furthermore”. I feel like your foreword is lacking, when I finished reading your description I was like,”That's it?”. My reaction show's how much I would have wished for you to describe the story more. I don't know, just add more details and descriptions! I suggest having a monologue in a foreword, or you could have like put an important part from your story into the foreword, and then have these two parts like foreshadow each other. Haven't you ever read a book where like in the beginning or so they mention this phrase, and then later on the book, much much later on that is, you see that phrase again. Don't you feel like everything's plugged in? Cause then you feel how connected the story is.

❁”Luhan is the demon prince, stuck in an all-boys school for those who are special. Special as in those who have powers. The mark on his chest is the proof of him being the demon prince. But a boy like Luhan could never be the demon prince. He could never even imagine himself as the demon prince, his kind nature and positive attitude says it all. It all came as a shock to him, that he was the demon prince. Furthermore, in order to become the demon king he needs to complete his mission.” should be,”Luhan is (one) of the demon prince(s), who is stuck in an all-boy school for those who are special. Special as in those who have mythical powers. The crest on his chest is the sole proof of him being (one of) the demon prince(s). But a boy like Luhan could never be of royal attribute. He could never imagine himself as someone treated by royalty, let alone the demon king, his kind nature and positive attitude said it all. It all came as a shock to him when he found out he was a demon prince. Furthermore, in order to become the demon king he needed to complete his mission.”

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was mainly because you just had way too many “demon prince” in your paragraph. That's why I wanted to change it a little bit and added some synonyms, they're not primary synonyms, but they could mean the same thing. The reason I have some words in (_) is because I had mix point of views, what I wonder is, was Luhan the only demon prince? Meaning he had no rivalry of the throne? Or was he one of the many demon princes? If he was the only demon prince don't use the parentheses, if there were other demon princes then use the words in the parentheses instead. If you're confused on which one to use just ask me once you've picked up your review.

Plot 19/20–In the first chapter, you mentioned that Luhan outshone anyone in the building(his dad's building), does that mean he outshone his father as well? To me, it's rather unpredictable, after all, Luhan may be the company president's son, but Luhan's father is the president himself. I find it hard to believe that Luhan outshone him as well. The way Sebastian told Luhan that he was the demon prince was just way too abrupt, it was so straightforward that it took my brain quite a while to comprehend. I really enjoyed this plot, it was really unique and not mary-sue at all. It didn't go overboard with a bunch of powers but it was almost as if it was one of those fantasy movies you usually see, such as Harry Potter. I really liked your plot, and the fact that Sebastian keeps hiding secrets from Luhan. Your story isn't completely don't yet so I can't completely review it to my best potential, but so far, your story is absolutely amazing!

Characters 17/20–Your characters are perfect, and without having to explain them all, the other 11 five star ranked members must be the rest of EXO! I don't know if you're planning on introducing them all, which I really hope, cause at some point, I feel like you're going to completely forget a few members and it's just going to get confusing. That's my only warning, make sure to not overdose on those characters. So far, you do an amazing job of introducing characters. You introduce them one at a time, and you remember to make sure to describe them before introducing another one. I really see the butler in Sebastian, he talks like a butler perfectly, especially when he said “mustn't”. I can imagine how a butler would say that, but I had to google it to make sure it was a real word or not. Another thing is, your characters really have different personalities so far, which I really like. And it's not certain who Luhan is going to end up with! I personally hope it's Sehun, the Kai-type romance is just so overdone and I'm tired of it, well that's my personal opinion, this shouldn't effect your story at all though. What I really wonder is, why does the Joker resemble Sebastian? And where was Sebastian during the night battle? I don't now if I accidentally skipped that part, but I was really wondering where he was, cause like, I thought he followed Luhan anywhere, unless Joker is Sebastian?

Grammar and Spelling 18/20–You have a major, well, constant tendency of put spaces between your quotation marks. For example, you do,” He pushed me into the water “, when it should be,”He pushed me into the water”, you should never put spaces between your quotation marks and the dialogue itself. It sometimes messes up the formatting. Whenever you're writing dialogue and you're planning on having something along the lines,”Sebastian said”, after it, you should never have a period before the last quotation mark, but instead, you should have a comma, this show signs that the sentence is still not over. Your grammar is perfect, you have no run-off sentences what so ever which is really surprising since that seems to be the thing that most writers struggle with. Your spelling is okay, you just have a few misspells here and there.

❁”Luhan looked at himself in the mirror. He had wealth, luck, good face and personality. He was well liked by everyone, had good reputation. His life was perfect and envied by many.” should be,”Luhan look at himself in the mirror. He had wealth, luck, a good face, and a personality no one could hate. He was well liked by everyone, and he had a good reputation around his peers. His life was perfect, and was envied by many.”

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was mainly because you had many sentences that I personally felt that I could make better. I tweaked them little by little, adding small simple things such as state-of-being verbs and description. Although you did over the pronouns,”He” and “His”, the way you wrote it made it sound really interesting.

❁”...You're messing up your hair.” Sebastian said with a tired look on his face. Luhan grimaced and stopped rolling around. Sebastian was Luhan's butler, he's an extrodinary butler for your information.” should be,”...You're messing up your hair,” Sebastian said with a tired look on his face. Luhan grimaced and stopped rolling around. Sebastian was Luhan's butler, he's an extraordinary butler.

❁”Luhan jumped as if he had won on lottery.” should be,”Luhan jumped as if he had won a lottery.”

❁”Of course are most of the zero stars either outcasts, criminals or poor people.” should be,”Of course most of the zero stars either are outcasts, criminals, or poor people.”

❁”Hhe didn't want to socialize with the students in his class.” should be,”He didn't want to socialize with the students in his class.”

Flow 14/15–The only thing I didn't like about your flow is how straightforward Sebastian was when he told Luhan he was the demon prince. There was absolutely no building action, and it just popped out of no where. I feel like there should have been at least some suspense before it. Your flow is perfect as it is, nothing wrong with hit.

Enjoyment 5/5–I really like your story, when I first saw this story I was like,”Oh good, another mary-sue story.” Cause your story really reminded me of like Twilight, or any of those mary-sue stories. But as I started reading your story, and the more I acknowledged your writing skills. You made it not even close to being mary-sue! It was almost like, it was just amazing okay. I can't think of a good enough word at the moment. I would definitely recommend this story, and I even subscribed, I'm really looking forward to the future chapters.

Structure 4/5–I personally feel like your font is a bit too big. If it was just one grade level smaller it would be better, but that's my own personal opinion. Your font size currently is working for you, so I don't see any reason for you to change it really. One thing I don't like is the way you wrote your chapter titles, although they are unique, you should never put a period after it. What's the point? It's a phrase, well barely a phrase, it's more of a word, and it's not a sentence so there's no need for a period. There's no subject, there's no verb. So no purpose for a period.

Overall 89/100–I want to give you a higher score, but you just had some mistakes that I absolutely couldn't look over. I really love your story, and I would definitely recommend and subscribe to this. It's really good, has a pretty unique plot, and it's not mary-sue at all. My only warning is that as you continue your story, watch your character introductions and development. It's that when you have a lot of characters, well if you're planning on introducing most of the EXO members, they sometimes get sidetracked and lost in the translations. So make sure to have each and every character shine and vary, or just don't even put them in at all.