Black of my life
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/654451/black-of-my-life-angst-romance-siwon-suju-hangeng-love

About: Hangeng+Siwon(SUJU), romance, angst, hurt/comfort

Katrina
Finished 7/26/2014

Note: I apologize for the long wait. Thank you for not canceling.

Title: 4/5 It relates indirectly to your story, like a symbol would, so that’s good. It’s also very creative and would attract readers in. One problem is that you should add “the” to the front because it sounds off without “the”. The second problem is that the rest should be capitalized, so to put it all together, it would be “The Black of My Life”.

Foreword: 10/10 First off, in your description, there’s a typo. “making your life to” should be ‘making your life a.’ Otherwise, perfect foreword. I like the simplicity and cleanliness of the whole description. It also helps greatly how you only have a simple description to introduce your plot, so it leaves the readers wondering what the story will turn out like.

Plot: 16/20 Your story is unique, in a way. I’m sure there are lots of stories on AFF that tells about Hangeng’s departure and how the rest of the members react to it, but I have never read one of those. I just know about them. Yours goes into a lot of depth about the whole situation. It could go in deeper, but since this is a one-shot, and it focuses more on Hangeng and Siwon than Hangeng and SM, it’s deep enough. It’s also very detailed, and I can see you adding your emotions here and there. I can see your point of view in this. There’s not much I can say about your plot because it’s focused mainly on description than dialogue. I guess it’s unique in that way since you give us an image of the world you’re writing about without the use of dialogue or any other action. The one thing off is that you said that SM discriminated against Hangeng’s family. In your story, I didn’t spot any hint of them discriminating against his family, so can you elaborate on that? I don’t know much about Hangeng’s departure from SUJU; I only know that he sued SM. I didn’t know anything about his family. Since you included a statement about his family, you should describe that in more details.

My other problem is that your plot is too simple. I know that this isn’t a drama, at least most of it, and you’re only describing an event in your own words, but you should add more interaction or twists between Siwon and Hangeng that would lead to the ending. The whole story flowed in one straight line, and the ending was very predictable.

Specific Advice: Your plot matches the first part of the prompt, about falling in love by chance, not choice. The second part, about staying in love, kind of matches, if you squint hard enough, but it just doesn’t flow into the last part. The plot doesn’t show them falling out of love, so I don’t understand how the last part could work. It also doesn’t show their relationship having any trouble, just that Hangeng planned to leave Super Junior. Besides that, he and Siwon didn’t have a lot of fights or arguments. There was one part where Siwon avoided Hangeng for a while, but it didn’t show them falling out of love. In the end, Siwon was still in love with Hangeng. Basically, your plot matches the first part of the prompt, but not the last two. 

Characters: 18/20 Your characters aren’t really described that much since you focused more on plot than characters. I can see Hangeng’s distress about the whole thing. You describe his situation very well, but what about his character? You do include some emotions, like when he was crying in his room. What is his personality like? I only know that he’s hardworking and determined. What is his relationship with the rest of the members, not just Siwon and Heechul? What about the leader? I understand that this is a one-shot, so it’s not supposed to be very in-depth, but give small glimpses of how Hangeng acts around the rest of the members. For example, say that he and Yesung are good friends, but he’s very distant with the others. Otherwise, Hangeng and Siwon act pretty realistically, and you include a true “idol’s POV” whenever they’re around the fans, like when Siwon was warned about how they gave off too much fan service. Good job showing his and Hangeng’s relationship though. Did they actually act this close with each other in real life because it feels like they did.

Grammar and Spelling: 19/20 You have a few typo here and there, but they are mostly due to you typing too fast to notice. My only advice is for you to look over your work once you’re done. Otherwise, your grammar and spelling seem to be pretty good.

Chapter one P(aragraph)5 “He was with him and he only belated realized…” should be ‘He was with him and he only belatedly realized…

Enjoyment: 4/5 I like the details, but the plot was really plain. I could predict everything.

Structure: 4/5 All numbers lower than 10 should be written out in word forms in a story, so “3 months” would be “three months.” 

Otherwise, your chapters are neat and organized.

Overall: 75/85=88 Your story is very detailed and shows that you put a lot of research into the topic. Your title is a good symbol, and it’s actually very unique. The only thing I don’t like is that your plot is too simple and flows too easily. There weren’t any surprises, which made the ending clear at an early stage