kpopstan13
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
Her Bucket List
About: angst, drama, romance, slifeoflife, tragedy, kai, jongin
Bleu
Finished on 4/13/2014
Title 4/5–Your title is perfect the way it is. It's super relevant to the story, and it's being brought up throughout the whole story. There is not a single chapter where Nayoon's bucket list is not listed or mention. The format you have for a bucket list is perfect the way it is.
Something I don't like about your title is that, it's a little plain looking. I wish there was some more, ambitious. Or something that makes it look more interesting.
Foreword 8/10–I'm not a huge fan of you telling the readers who the minor and main characters are in the character sections, to me, that feels more like a plan to writing your story. This is the real deal, it's not a plan. When you're writing a real story, and you're including a character list, don't say if they're the major protagonists or if they're the minor protagonists.
“In the darkest hours of her life, there's this one stranger who is willing to fulfill her wishes within her seven last days.” This sentence really knocked me out of my concentration, it doesn't quite feel like it fits in with the whole ambitious atmosphere. I think that's because this sentence is a bit too well, straightforward, it just automatically tells away that there WILL be a stranger that will help her fulfill her wishes. The thing is though, compared to the rest of your foreword, your sentences are usually more mysterious, and they make the readers try to think about the many possibilities. But for this sentence, it's already told the readers, kinda dims the whole excitement really.
Now the following opinion I'm going to be talking about isn't something that will deduct any points, but just my own opinions that don't technically rely on a lot of logic. The thing with semi-colons is, there are times when you should have a space after it, and there are times when you shouldn't have a space after it. The tough part of it is, it is knowing which to use and which to not to use. Generally it is correct to put a space after it, but sometimes, there are some cases where you don't. The exceptions are the beginning of an enclosed pair such as (parentheses) and “quote” marks. Compound words separators such as hyphens – and slashes “and/or” are also exceptions to using a space.
The thing about Kim Jongin/Kai's character description is that the way you used compound words. You had “he's”, the thing about it is that that compound could either be a “he is” or “he was”, the thing about using a compound word is that it should be clear about what tense you're using. But in your case, it just didn't seem to quite fit, when I tried to read this, both out loud and in my head, it just was odd, cause you didn't make any precautions about whether or not it was in past tense or present tense.
❁”168 hours. 10,080 minutes. 86400 seconds.” should be,”168 hours. 10,080 minutes. 604,800 seconds.” I was rather unsure about correcting this phrase/statement/sentence. I wasn't sure if this was supposed to be like an exact timer. Or it was like, converting the hours into minutes, and the minutes into seconds. The main reason I was unsure was cause, it was correct that 168 hours convert into 10,080 minutes. But 10,080 minutes doesn't convert to 86400 seconds, but 604800 seconds instead.
❁”Death is irrevocable; even she runs from it she can't deny the fact that it will constantly chase behind her.” should be,”Death is irrevocable; even if she runs away from it, she can't deny the fact that it will constantly be lurking behind her.”
❁”In the darkest hours of her life, there's this one stranger who is willing to fulfill her wishes within her seven last days.” should be,”In the darkest hours of her life, will there ever be a single stranger who will be willing to fulfill her wishes within her last seven days?”
❁”Bucket List is list of the certain things written on a long paper that an individual has not done before but wants to do before dying.” should be,”A bucket list is a list of the certain things written on a long piece of paper that an individual has not done before, but wants to do before dying.”
❁”Bucket List #3: Play violin in front of the crowd.” should be,”Bucket List #3: Playing the violin in front of the crowd.”
❁”Bucket List #4: Have some Seoul date with my so called boyfriend.” should be,”Bucket List #4: Having a date with my so called boyfriend in Seoul.”
❁”Bucket List #6: Be kissed with the man I love ever since.” should be,”Bucket List #6: Be kissed by the man I have loved ever since.”
❁”She's a no one when she lost him. All that she needs now at her crucial, cruel and darkest hour is him.” should be,”She was a no one when she had lost him. All that she needs now at her most crucial, cruel, and darkest hour, is him.
❁”He thought that he's just a mere stranger towards her but he's wrong. He is her everything ever since.” should be,”He thought that he was just a mere stranger towards her, but he was wrong. He is her everything.”
The thing about having a suggest play list, or any play list at all is the way they work. Usually, the music changes depending on the atmosphere of the scene you're reading. The music should be like how the event is, it would be odd to be listening to a happy, cheerful song when you're reading a depressing event. The thing about a play list is that, everyone reads at a different pace, so the play list would be incoherent.
Plot 17/20–Something I would have really wanted you to do was include Nayoon's disease in the introduction, which in your case, is Chapter 1. All I know is that she has a disease that is rather rare and uncommon, or there's a one and a billion chance. Another thing is that it's something with her heart. I really wished you gave some more information about it in the beginning, for example, how she got it, was it by birth? Or did she get it while she grew up?
I'm not a fan of how Nayoon figured out that Aki was that stranger she met in Chapter 1. It was just too sudden, realistically, it would be hard for someone to figure out that small hint so quickly. I mean, there could be many people who use that exact same phrasing as well. It's too unrealistic for Nayoon to figure it out so quickly.
In Chapter Two, in paragraph 11, you suddenly have double-spacing, which is really odd, cause the rest of your stories are just single-spacing. I'm not sure if this was a format issue from possibly copying the story from a different program, such as Microsoft Word.
Characters 18/20–I really like how you focus mainly on Nayoon and Kai, you don't jump to any other characters and you describe Nayoon and Kai perfectly. Something I don't like is the way Nayoon found out Kai was Aki so quickly.
I suddenly just found out how you got Aki. It's an anagram for Kai, if you switch the letters around you get Aki. I was confused at first but I suddenly just found out. Now about Do Kyungsoo now, I really like how he's somewhat friends with Nayoon, he adds that extra failure and it really makes the story more interesting.
Something I really don't like is how ignorant Kai is being, I really can't believe that he doesn't notice that Miss Kang, is Nayoon. I mean, he has some ideas that it could be Nayoon, how she resembles Miss Kang. But the way Kai is being he just doesn't know yet. I mean I understand where you're going, I feel like this story is going to end with Nayoon dying, and while she is on her death bed, or last day. Kai finds out that she was Nayoon all along.
Grammar and Spelling 16/20–The one major problem I found at first sight was the fact that you overused the pronoun,”She”, too much. I noticed that you sometimes transition to “Nayoon” or “Her”, but not frequently enough. I feel like you should use some more varied pronouns, or just not use pronouns at all. There are many ways to not use pronouns and still have your sentences to make sense. Some ways are like, changing the endings; such as -ing or -ed, or the tense.
Another thing I found that was that you have some problems with your tenses, especially with the ending -ed. You keep forgetting that ending and that makes the reader feel as if it's talking in past tense, when you should have wrote it in present tense.
Whenever you use consecutive periods, such as “...”, that shows hints of atmosphere change, or emotion. You should always use three periods, not two, not four. The reason why is because in common English, the number three was considered the lucky number. Just like in Goldilocks and the Three Bears, it wasn't too little, it wasn't too much, it was just right. That is why you should always have three consecutive periods.
Remember that you should always put a space after any punctuation. Let it be periods, exclamation points, question marks, commas, apostrophes, quotation marks. This a major rule when writing or composing any literature. It would seem super clustered and just odd when you don't have spaces after.
Chapter 1
❁ P(aragraph) 1,”Eighth day has passed.” should be,”Eight days have passed.”
❁ P(aragraph) 2, “Why do I have to be sick? Why out of many people? Why me?!” should be,”Why do I have to be sick? Why me and not the other billion people in the world? Why me?!”
❁ P(aragraph) 2,”She shouted as she toss and throw the marker from her hand's grip harshly to the floor. She clutched her chest as she felt a sharp pain on her heart. Her hands were trembling as she look for her pain killers on the drawer. Her breath was hitching, chasing what was originally hers. Luckily, her hand found its way to the inner area of her drawer, only to get the small white bottle as she got one tablet of her medicine. She swallowed it without pushing it in with the use of drinking water.” should be,”She shouted as she tossed and threw the marker from her hand's grip harshly to the floor. She clutched her chest as she felt a sharp pain coming from her heart. Her hands were trembling as she looked for her pain killers in the drawer. Her breath was hitching, feeling as if she could faint at any moment. Luckily, her hand found its way to the inner area of her drawer, only to grab a hold of the small white bottle. Nayoon got one portion of her medicine. She swallowed it without needing the use of drinking water.
❁ P(aragraph) 7,”He promised that he'll be back.. He promise himself that I should wait patiently for him till the day he comes back. But those broke promises of him haunts me – to who knows until when.” should be,”He promised that he would be back...He told me that I should wait patiently for him till the day he comes back. But if those promises were to be broken, it haunts me day and night. Thinking deep and down, who knows when he would be back.”
Chapter 2
❁ P(aragraph) 12,”That girl's name is Kang Nayoon. She prefer talking to kids who'll know her first. She hates starngers and the reason why she didn't talk is because her parents abandoned her in the street and basically, she lived along the dangerous pavements of Seoul.” should be,”That girl's name is Kang Nayoon. She prefers talking to kids that decide to take the move to talk to her first. She hates strangers, and the reason why she doesn't talk much is because her parents abandoned her in the streets and basically, she lived along the dangerous pavements of Seoul.”
❁ P(aragraph) 55,”That made Jongin pity th stranger even more.” should be,”That made Jongin pity the stranger even more.”
Flow 14/15–The flow is perfect the way it is, I have nothing to really complain about. You know exactly when to add your rising actions and dramatic events and soft, fluffy events. You do a good job at using transitions, there is not one time where I think to myself, what is the setting currently? Something's wrong though, you have some problems with your endings, leading it to me thinking about what time present we're in currently. Or what time is present in your story.
Enjoyment 5/5–I really enjoyed your story, although I was a little bored, I really enjoyed the suspense and the fluff. I'm really surprised that you got me hooked so quickly, even what I had some second-thoughts on whether or not this story was good or not. I really like the format about the story, especially the whole bucket list. It's really unique, and I don't see these types of stories that much.
Structure 3/5–I don't think you understand the meaning of paragraphs and having dialogue in them. In dialogue, each person gets his own paragraph each time he speaks, no matter how briefly. Even a simply spoken, “No,” gets a paragraph all to itself. You should always change paragraphs, or break paragraphs, when you either switch, or enter a new, time (present, past, future), setting, or speaker.
Whenever you're talking about the past, the best thing to do is to have the text talking about the past, to be different than the text that's talking about the present. Another thing is, some suggestive ways to make it look different would be to have the font be a like gray, or any gray actually. Some people decide to have a sign saying “FLASHBACK”, or they italicize the font. I personally prefer the gray font more than any of these options, mainly because it looks the most neatest and pretty.
Overall 85/100–Although I had second thoughts about this story originally, I got pretty hooked to the story. Something else is that you have trouble with your endings, you should really read over your story out loud and see if your sentences are making sense or not. Another thing is I really don't like the fact that Nayoon found out Kai as Aki so quick, and the fact that Kai hasn't found out Nayoon is Miss Kang so quickly as well.
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