paige269
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
The Pretty One
About: Sooyoung(SNSD)+Jung Jessica(SNSD)+Lee Donghae(SUJU)+Choi Siwon(SUJU), romance, comedy, sister rivalry, beauty, fluff, slifeoflife
Bleu
Finished 5/19/2014
Title 2/5–Your title should be “The Inferior One” instead, because, “The Pretty One”, shouts cliché to me. It just makes me not want to read your story at all, using inferior instead of pretty is better. That is because it actually gives a hint of suspense and mystery to your story. The Pretty One just sounds boring and cliché to me. I personally feel like your current title is just way too straightforward and it gives the wrong impression to your readers. I feel like you could do so much better, since you have a lot of direction going on in your story. To me, I feel like a title should have a more symbolic feeling than what it's giving off currently.
Foreword 8/10–Your description makes absolutely no sense. A description's job is supposed to grab the readers attention. After all, the reader sees the description first, and if the description doesn’t automatically please their likings, then, of course they won't keep reading onward to the foreword. While on the other hand, the foreword's job is to give the readers the information necessary for the introduction chapter(also known as chapter one).
Also, another thing about your description, I think you should increase the sizes of “★The Pretty One★” and “By: Paige 269”. The reason why is because it doesn't really grab my attention, if my job wasn't to review your story, I would have absolutely just overlooked it. That is why I think you should increase the size of the font, or just remove it overall, because all in all, this is irrelevant to anything.
❁”A story about sister rivalry and the perception of beauty” should be,”What happens if someone you knew changed dramatically in a matter of hours? What happens if the person you always felt inferior to became your equal? Will love conquer a sister's rivalry? Or will the perception of beauty conquer love?”
I really dislike how your foreword is layout and written, the issue is that it just literally shouts cliché and mary-sue to me. Cliche means a phrase or opinion that is overused and betrays a lack of original though. Mary-sue means someone that is perfect, flawless, who doesn't have any really bad qualities and whom everyone loves. A character being mary-sue means that she has a perfect life and she'll always end up with a happily ever after. Your story is about a girl that is ugly at first, but then suddenly gets plastic surgery and becomes as hot as an idol. Then all of a sudden, she ends up being the center of attention with all the boys and of course, like in almost all cliché stories, she will end up with the guy she has loved since forever.
❁”Sixteen-year-old Jung Sooyoung has always wanted to be like her older sister Jessica: a gorgeous, svelte starlet whom everyone worships. Instead, Sooyoung has lived in the shadows offstage, hoping that the spotlight will never shine on her ugly, chubby face. But a not-so-simple twist of fate changes everything for Sooyoung : after a freak accident, plastic surgeons must rebuild her face. No one could have predicted that when the bandages come off, Sooyoung will be even more beautiful than Jessica.” should be,”Sixteen-year-old Jung Sooyoung has always felt like she's been inferior to her elder sister Jessica; the gorgeous, svelte starlet whom everyone worshiped. Unlike her sister though, Sooyoung has lived behind the curtains offstage, hoping that one day, the spotlight will finally shine on her ugly, chubby face. Although it seemed impossible at first, but who knew a not-so-simple twist of fate changes everything for Sooyoung. After a bizarre, maniac accident, plastic surgeons had no choice but to rebuild her face. No one could have ever predicted that once the bandages came off, Sooyoung would no longer be inferior to her elder sister, Jessica.” or “Sixteen-year-old Jung Sooyoung has always felt liker she's been inferior to her elder sister Jessica; the gorgeous, svelte starlet whom everyone worshiped. Unlike her sister though, Sooyoung has lived behind the curtains offstage, hoping that one day, the spotlight will never shine on her ugly, chubby face. Although it seemed possible at first, but who knew a not-so-simple twist of fate changes everything for Sooyoung. After a bizarre, maniac accident, plastic surgeons had no choice but to rebuild her face. No one could have ever predicted that once the bandages came off, Sooyoung would no longer be inferior to her elder sister, Jessica.”
The reason I have two versions of this grammar mistake is because I wasn't quite sure how you wanted Sooyoung. The first option is that you actually meant that Sooyoung was always in the shadows while her sister Jessica was in the light. But, because of her sister always hogging the limelight, she was never able to really make her debut. The other version is that Sooyoung was never brave enough or she had really low self-esteem and didn't want any of the light to herself. She was unsure of her beauty and didn't want to embarrass herself at all.
❁”Now Sooyoung is back at Seoul Academy of Performing Arts, navigating her life as the Pretty One. Suddenly, boys who never noticed her would never leave her alone, and her best friend, Donghae, seems to want more than just friendship. Sooyoung's problem though, is Choi Siwon-the mysterious theater guru she has loved from afar since freshmen year. Siwon is directing a play and asks Sooyoung to audition, a dream come true for her. But soon Sooyoung finds herself fighting tooth and nail with Jessica, not only for the role in Siwon's play, but for a place in Siwon's heart.” should be,”Now, after a few months of recovery, Sooyoung is finally back at SAPA-Seoul Academy of Performing Arts, navigating her life without any more obstacles in her path. What's different is that the boys who never noticed her before, would never leave her alone now. Even her best friend, Donghae, seems to want more than just friendship now. Sooyoung's biggest problem though, is Choi Siwon–the mysterious theater guru she has loved from afar since freshmen year. When Siwon suddenly asks Sooyoung to audition to a play he's directing, a dream has finally came true for her. Although everything seem all good for Sooyoung, who know that she would find herself fighting tooth and nail with Jessica, not only for the role in Siwon's play, but also for a place in Siwon's heart.”
Plot 13/20–I really dislike the whole concept you put into the story, it's like you're basically telling everyone that to be happy, and to be loved by others and get a boyfriend/girlfriend, you have to be born beautiful, or get severe plastic surgery done. I wish you would have used a different concept than this, because after all, once you think about it, Jessica's beauty is natural, but as for Sooyoung, it's all fake. So, I really dislike what you're trying to say to the readers. Plastic surgery isn't needed to be happy in life. Being beautiful doesn't mean that you automatically get a lover. Your story is just shallow to me, the idea that just because Sooyoung got plastic surgery done, all of a sudden, guys start loving her and now she's one of the most popular and gorgeous people in school.
What is the “all festival” is it a typo? Or is it an actual thing in the school[in chapter one]? Another thing I would like to say is that, your introduction paragraph is just way too confusing, who the heck is this Herbert? Is he an original character? And is there really any necessary to put him in the story, especially on the very first paragraph, the MOST IMPORTANT paragraph in a story?
Your plot and story line is absolutely bland to me, this is because there is nothing interesting such as twists and cliffhangers. Everything is absolutely cliché, meaning it's super easy for me to predict what's going to happen next, this is because of your plot line being something that everyone has already read before. There is barely anything original, and I really feel like you could do so much more. If you just change the way you are going, and add some more mystery and maybe change the message really. If I were you, I would do something different. I would have Sooyoung not have done any plastic surgery, but tried to become pretty with her own abilities. Meaning, although she feels inferior to her sister, she will try her best to overcome her obstacles. [If you wish to know more of my idea and use it, please do PM me and I would be glad to share...although this isn't something that I'm absolutely ordering you to do. It's your story so this is all up to you.]
Characters 14/20–Something that really bothered me was all of Sooyoung's background information and the message you are trying to pass the readers. Just because Sooyoung got plastic surgery due to a maniac accident happening to her, she suddenly because the most popular girl in school and every guy wants to have her in their possession. This is way too mary-sue and it really irritates me how you're trying to the pass the message that just because she's beautiful, guys will start loving her.
Something I want to say is that from personal opinions, the way you explained Jessica and Sooyoung[comparing and contrasting] really makes me want to go on Jessica's side more. The reason why is because, when you actually think of it, Jessica's beauty is all natural, and her beauty wasn't adjusted by anyone. Unlike Jessica on the other hand, Sooyoung's beauty isn't natural. It's fake, and it's from a plastic surgeon. Just thinking about this really makes me irritated how Sooyoung is supposed to be the hero in this story.
Grammar and Spelling 15/20–Something I noticed while I was reading your story is that you don't really quite understand the difference between “came” and “come”. Both tenses are possible. With came, you present came and sent as a plain sequence of events, as in "I came, I saw, I conquered"; with had come, the had come sentence is presented as background information to the sent sentence. In either case, the first sentence precedes the second in time (this is how context works). [x]
Another thing I would like to say is that I don't think you understand the difference between “its” and “it's”. Its is the possessive form of 'it'. It's is a contraction of 'it is' or 'it has'. Examples: It's a common mistake. / The boat has a hole in its hull. The confusion arises from the dual function of the's ending, which can indicate either possession or contraction, as in: Joe's hamburgers are the best = The hamburgers which are Joe's - that is, in that he makes them - are the best. / Joe's going to have to buy some more patties soon = Joe is going to have to buy some more patties soon. However,'s is never used to indicate possession in pronouns. We do not write hi's(instead of his), for example. Here is a test you can perform to determine whether to use it's or its: Replace it with his and see if the sentence still makes (grammatical) sense. "Hi a common mistake" does not make sense. However, "The boat has a hole in his hull" does make sense - at least grammatically (of course boats are not boys, but we can pretend that they are for the sake of improving our spelling). The rule to apply, then, is this: If the sentence makes sense with his, which does not have an apostrophe, it is safe to replace it with its, which also does not have an apostrophe. [x]
Chapter One
❁P(aragraph) 3,”He did not answer its either he is ignoring me or so deep in fantasyland that he did not answer me.” should be,”He did not answer, it's either he is ignoring me or so deep in fantasy land that he didn't even hear me.”
❁P(aragraph) 6,”Herbert,” Jessica says sweetly. “Sooyoung wants you.” should be,”Herbert,” Jessica said sweetly,”Sooyoung wants you.”
❁P(aragraph) 17,”I know you weren't crazy about this whole decorating thing," she says finally” but I appreciate your help” should be,”I knew you weren't crazy about this whole decorating thing,” she said finally,”but I appreciate your help anyway.”
There are more mistakes your story but I felt like it was unnecessary for me to fix every single mistake you have, since there are a lot. Something I would like to suggest is that you look carefully at your tenses and apostrophes. Make sure your dialogue ruling is right, especially when you're ending and continuing any dialogue phrases. If you have any questions about mistakes that you found, please do ask me.
Flow 8/15–I don't think you understand how to use transitions at all, you just automatically skip to other scenes without any precautions and I find it really irritating cause your story is really choppy and full of events just pasted together. I feel like you just have events pasted together without anything really connecting them together. It's like two cities bordered by a land of water without a bridge in between them. Besides from this, I feel like your flow introduction was just horrible, there was nothing that I felt really contributing to the story.
Enjoyment 0/5–I wasn't a huge fan of your story at all, it felt more like a journal than a story itself. There is nothing good about the plot either, the story is sending a message to the readers that is absolutely outrageous. It's so cliché that I just can't read it. Something else I would like to say is that the characters Jessica and Sooyoung are being interpreted just different than it should be. Also, your whole story just shouts out cliché to me.
Structure 3/5–When you change POV and you have the “Sooyoung's POV” thing or anything along these lines, you should make it a lot bigger or noticeable. This is because it is just so small that I can hardly see it, and even if I do see it, it's possible that I'll just overlook and think that it's part of your text. I think the best thing to do is to just make it more stunning, meaning, have it pop out more.
You should always start a new paragraph whenever you switch time, place, atmosphere, or the speaker that is talking in that paragraph. So, every time a new speaker comes in, you must always start a new paragraph.
Specific Advice Wanted:
Author commented-Grammar and I think my Foreword is not that good.
Reviewer replies-Your grammar isn't bad, but it isn't absolutely good either. The reason why is because I really don't think you understand the meanings of having apostrophes and not. Your grammar is just a little bit off, the only major thing that is really offsetting is your tenses. I don't think you can really tell the differences when you should be using the past and present tense, such as come and came. As for your foreword, it just shouts cliché to me. The description doesn't contribute to anything to the story, it's absolutely empty and it just doesn't grab the readers attention whatsoever.[If you want more information, please read the Grammar and Spelling and Foreword section. And, if you want more information, just simply comment below in our comments section, or PM or write on my wall.]
Overall 63/100–Your story screams cliché all over and I absolutely cannot read this. Something I would like to say is that I really don't think you understand the meanings of some of the dialogue rules, and the meanings of using apostrophes or deciding whether or not to use past or present tense. Something is that I really don't like the message that you're trying to tell the readers: just because someone gets plastic surgery and they're beautiful again, or the fact that they were just natural beautiful, it means that it will make them automatically popular and the fact that every guy/girl will instantaneously love them.
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