nailea
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
I'll Love You Forever
About: angst, mpreg, sehun, baekhyun, baekhun, sebaek
Bleu
Finished on 3/15/2014
Title 4/5–Your title is eye-catching, but the thing is, it's really cliché. I mean there's nothing wrong with it being cliché, but the thing is, there really isn't any originality in it. Especially when there are about 20 other fan fictions with the same title as you. How can you tell them apart then? Your title is completely relevant to your story though, even if Sehun lost Baekhyun, Sehun will love Baekhyun forever. You can really tell how strong his moral is, he doesn't make any friends, he doesn't try to find a new love, all he worries about is his job, and his son of course.
Foreword 7/10–Right off the bot, I noticed the many grammar mistakes you made. In your description, right after the comma, you capitalized “now”, why would you do that? You should know that you should never capitalize the word that comes after a comma, unless its a word that is necessary for it to be capitalize, such as a name, or a business name. I'm assuming you might to put a period instead of a comma, but if you were going for a comma, I believe it should be a period instead, cause these two causes just don't match up to me. Another thing is, throughout your whole foreword, you never put a period or any ending punctuation before the last set of quotation marks. I'm wondering, did you forget to put them? Or did you not know you were supposed to put them? One thing I noticed in your foreword is that the phrase,”P-please...save them both”, was really random, it doesn't connect with your foreword at all, it was like, you just put it out there randomly. The phrase “this is out forever” is really well, odd. It just doesn't make sense at all. One last thing is that your foreword the format is rather odd, did you center it yourself by constantly pressing alt and space? Cause like the centering looks odd. Now that I've read through your whole story, I've noticed your foreword is completely wrong, Sehun didn't get to choose between saving his son or the love of his life, there was no option in the beginning for him to choose. Sehun wasn't able to choose to save his son, he wasn't able to choose to save his love either, so what I'm saying is, your foreword doesn't make sense anymore.
❁”Sehun had to choose between saving his son or the love of his live, but before he could decide...life chose for him, Now full of regrets he wonder if this is a second chance.” should be,”Sehun had to choose between saving his son, or the love his life, but before he could decide though...life chose for him instead. Now full of regrets, Sehun wonders if this could be a second chance.”
The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was because you used the wrong phrase for “life/live”, and I felt like if you added, some extra words it would sound a lot better. Another thing is, you overused the pronoun,”he”, using it once or twice is fine, but using it more just makes readers wonder, who is this he? That's why I prefer switching a pronoun for a noun instead so readers will not get confused.
❁”Don't be such a drama queen Baek...I'm not cheating on you” should be,”Don't be such a drama queen Baek...I'm not cheating on you.”
❁”Just leave me alone...I'l talk to you when I get home” should be,”Just leave me alone...I'll talk to you when I get home.”
❁”P-please...save them both” should be,”P-please...save them both.”
❁”See Baek....I said I'll love you forever...this is our forever” should be,”See Baek...I said I'll love you forever, I won't break that promise.”
The reason I had decided to change these sets of sentences is because first of all, you forgot to add any ending punctuations, such as periods, exclamation marks, and question marks before the last set of quotation marks. Another thing I wasn't quite sure and I didn't change is the third sentence, it didn't quite match the rest of the sentences at all. You also misspelled “I'll”, and lastly, the phrase “this is our forever” just doesn't sound good.
Plot 16/20–In the first paragraph in chapter one, you wrote,”he landed a new job on the main office of his company”, from how you described the setting and background information, you inferred that Baekhyun owned the company. I'm pretty sure Baekhyun doesn't own the company though. In your first paragraph, after the first set of “***”, you made a huge time skip. I mean that came out of no where, I mean, Sehun asking Baekhyun out? Couldn't you have had put more information or description about this happening? I mean come on, that was just a huge time skip, it's almost as if you ran out of creativity and didn't know how to exactly tell the readers. Okay so first we have Baekhyun leaving for Bucheon, and Sehun screaming he can't leave. Then after the “***”, we have Sehun and Baekhyun living with each other. I was really confused on what happened, cause I swear that Baekhyun was on the taxi already. Wow, I feel like your story is really mary-sue, like there are just moments that I was rather disturbed by, but the way you wrote it really made it interesting. First your story has m-preg, and then there's . I don't have much words for your story, since so much has happened. The only major I want to complain is your transitions, they're just so, incomplete and wide-spread. You don't follow up between your transitions, for example the time when Baekhyun was leaving for Bucheon and the next scene Baekhyun and Sehun are living together again. I'm wondering but, what happened? And you transitions are just way too wide-spread, but I'll explain more in the flow section.
Characters 16/20–You overuse pronouns sometimes, and it makes the readers confused on what noun you're talking about, you could be talking about Baekhyun, or Sehun. That's why you should always repeat what noun you're saying, after the second consecutive pronoun. In chapter one, there was this guy that bumped into a girl that caused the girl to spill her drink all over herself, and the guy handed her a handkerchief, what I'm wondering is, what guy brings a handkerchief around him? Maybe in like Korean dramas, or the boy was like, part of highly-educated and high society family. Well, all I can say is your characters are really interesting. I don't know, the personalities of Baekhyun and Sehun just kept changing. First Baekhyun was depressed that Sehun didn't say anything about the pregnancy, and Sehun slapped Baekhyun's hand. Then Sehun felt sorry that he did that, but Baekhyun didn't even bother to reply. And then like, this switch of roles and personalities just kept going. One mystery that you never bothered to cover was this Lu person, who I'm assuming is Luhan. He called Sehun and Baekhyun thought that Sehun was cheating on him, was Luhan in charge of getting that new house for them? Why was Luhan calling Sehun? What was their relationship? You never really explained what was going on.
Grammar and Spelling 15/20–You have a tendency of forgetting to put a comma between two words, in the situation where you're switching causes and topics. For example,”city hands”, you should put a comma between city and hands, or else you make it sound as if the city had hands itself. You should always put a comma after your transition, a transition for example is something like,”as he opened the door”. Another thing, in chapter one, you mentioned “who was staring at his phone while he took his order”, now this is where two pronouns bounced back and forth from each other. You didn't explain clearly enough and it made it almost sound as if the tall guy with blonde pinkish hair was taking his own owner. You never put an ending punctuation before your quotation marks, such as a comma, exclamation mark, and period. You do this non-stop, and I think you don't know about this rule of literature, you should always have an ending punctuation. If not, it's just a phrase someone's quoting. You have a lot of grammar mistakes, most of them being run-off sentences and miss-use of semicolons. And you have quite a bit of spelling mistakes as well. Now let's talk about your semicolons, they just don't seem write when you add them. You should know that a semi-colon links two independent clauses to connect closely related ideas, links lists where the items contain commas to avoid confusion between list items, lengthy clauses or clauses with commas to avoid confusion between clauses.
❁”Baekhyun walked through the city hands stuffed in his pockets as he fights the cold; he had just moved there from Bucheon, he landed a new job on the main office of his company in Seul.” should be,”Baekhyun walked through the city, hands stuffed in his pockets as he fights the cold. He had just moved here from Bucheon, having safely landed a job at the main office at a company in Seoul.”
The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was because you should put a comma between “city” and “hands”, because if you don't, it makes your sentence sound as if the city had hands itself, which is peculiar. Another thing is, it should be “here” and not “there”, because he is already in Seoul. Lastly, the way you wrote your last sentence made it sound as if Baekhyun owned the business himself, but in reality, he's just working at the main office.
❁”He walked past the stores watching as the people walked in and out of them, he liked the busy street, he smiled as he spotted a cute bubble tea shop across the street, he made his way over there, suddenly craving some.” should be,”He walked past the stores, watching as the people walked in and out of the stores. He liked the busy streets, he smiled as he spotted a cute bubble tea shop across the street. Suddenly craving some, he made his way over there.”
The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was because you should put a comma between “stores” and “watching”, if you didn't put a comma between those two words, the made it sound as if the stores were watching itself. Lastly, your last sentence,”he made his way over there, suddenly craving some” should be switched around, cause “suddenly craving some” is the independent cause, while the other one is the dependent cause.
❁”As he opened the door he was greeted by a tall guy with blonde pinkish hair, who was staring at his phone while he took his order, Baekhyun just shrugged annoyed at the poor manners the boy had, he sat on the table next to the windows looking out, he dropped his cup when he heard a loud scream near the door, a tall goofy looking guy had just walked in running to the store causing the girl that was walking out to bump into him and spill her drink on herself, he quickly stood up to help the girl while handing her his handkerchief to dry herself.” should be,”As he opened the door, he was greeted by a tall guy with blonde-pinkish hair–who was staring at his phone while he took Baekhyun's order. Baekhyun just shrugged, annoyed at the poor manners the boy had, he sat on the table next to the windows. Looking out, he dropped his cup when he heard a loud scream near the door, a tall goofy-looking guy was running into the store and bumped into a girl, causing the girl to spill her drink all over herself, he quickly stood up to help the girl out, while handing her his handkerchief to dry herself.”
❁”He walked past the guy who had and apologetic look on his face” should be,”He walked past the guy who had an apologetic look on his face”
❁”Baekhyun chocked on his drink” should be,”Baekhyun choked on his drink”
There are more mistakes in your story, but they are mistakes that are being repeated constantly, and I don't feel obligated to correct them all for you. If I do so, what will you learn? You won't have any experience what so ever.
Flow 9/15–Your flow is so wide-spread and incomplete. Okay so you skip from 3 months, 8 years, etc. And I'm like, what's going on between those months? You tend to just skip so randomly that the readers can't keep up with you. Your transitions are also really incomplete, like, there are times when two paragraphs don't even match each other, for example, the time when Baekhyun was leaving for Bucheon, the next chapter, he was living with Sehun what happened between that time period? I feel like you should slow down a lot more, and focus on adding more details and description, don't try to hurry up so you can finish your story quickly and reach the .
Enjoyment 4/5–Your plot was rather, really unique, almost bizarre actually. But the way you wrote it made me really entranced to your story. I couldn't take my eyes off of it personally. I wish you would slow down a bit and focus on describing between the time skips. I really enjoyed your story, and I would definitely recommend it if only you didn't have so many mistakes. What I really wonder is, and this is my own personal question, it has nothing to do with the review at all but who is this Lu? Is this Luhan? And why was he calling Sehun? Was he in charge of buying their house or something?
Structure 3/5–You have a tendency of not changing paragraphs when you change the speaker. You should always remember to to change your paragraphs when you either change your paragraph, speaker, setting, or time. I feel like your paragraph spacings started to get bigger as the story progressed, first it was just double-spaced, but then it got to quadruple, and quintuple, and I'm like, well, this escalated quickly. Could you cluster your paragraph spacings more? Your font size, type, color was absolutely perfect, nothing to complain about.
Overall 74/100–Your plot was just bizarre, first there was mpreg, and then there was . Although I wasn't a big fan of the plot genres, the way you wrote it though really kept me entranced to the story. I feel like this story has a lot of potential as long as you fix your mistakes. For example, you always need an ending punctuation before the last set of quotation marks. Another thing is you really need to slow down, start describing what's going on between the time periods. Lastly, who is this Lu?
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