CONFUSING LOVE
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/651696/confusing-love-ljoe-niel-romance-complicated-exo-kai-tao

About: L.Joe(TeenTop), Kai(Exo), Tao(Exo), Niel(TeenTop), OC, romance, comedy, high school

Ahri
Finished 2/26/14

Title: 2/5 First of all, never capitalize all the letters in your title because that turns readers away instead of attracting them. Also, your title is too general because it doesn't give the readers a clear idea of what your plot is! All we know is that your story is about romance which is also confusing, but what about the many other stories on AFF that also are about a confusing romance? What makes your story different from their's? Use a different title that is more specific to your plot.

Foreword: 4/10 Your description has no details of what the story will be about. Adding quotes from characters can work, but you must make the quotes really descriptive or add a small summary to allow the readers to see what your story is about. Also, you should write your character descriptions in paragraph form instead of bulleting. For example, for Huang Zitao's description, "Huang Zitao, or Tao as he prefers to call himself, is a student at (high school or college name). He is very mysterious and has a secret; his girlfriend disappearing suspiciously...years ago. Even now he is still searching for her, but he is getting distracted by Diana, the girl he thinks he likes. He isn't sure if he actually likes her or he is just seeking comfort in her." Also, never write in a character description for the main character that she/he is "handsome, pretty, beautiful, etc" because that makes them seem mary-sue, too unrealistic and perfect to be real.

Plot: 12/20 Your plot is really unrealistic at times. How is it that Aira and Diana happen to meet the guys they are both paired with and that the guys like them back? Try to move the events so that they are more realistic. Also, when Aira bumped into the girl group, I think their actions against her was too exaggerated because I don't think real people would do that to someone in public, especially in school where they could get caught by teachers. If they were hiding in the bathroom, I would understand but not in the open! Also, your plot is too bland. It's all focused on a new school that's also pretty cliché. Give some side plots and other events to spice it up and make your story more appealing.

Characters: 15/20 Your characters act pretty normal except for the part when the girl group attacked Aira in the public. There are moments when your characters would act too childishly. Also, the meeting between L.Joe and his friends is too rushed because they just met and suddenly they're best friends. Give them more time to bond before having them act so comfortably with each other.

Grammar and Spelling: 12/20 You change from past to present tense often. Remember, verbs that end in "ed" are in past tense and those without are present tense. Look over your work first! A sentence like "She screaming at him" is incorrect because if the verb ends in "ing" there must be a "was or is" in front. "She screaming at him" would become "She was/is screaming at him." Also, write out your story!
This is from chapter one, "L.Joe: Aira, are you still mad at me ?
Aira: *direct go to her room*
L.Joe: Did i say someting wrong to her ? *walk to his room* should be 'L.Joe stared at his sister guiltily. He opened and closed his mouth a few times before finally working up the nerve to talk to her. "Aira, are you still mad at me?" She replied by turning her back to him angrily and stomping to her room. "Did I say something wrong to her?" He shrugged his guilt off and walked to his room.

Flow: 13/15 The flow is too fast! Your characters just moved to Korea and suddenly they are best friends with the people they meet. Try to smooth out the meetings so that it seems real. Give them some time to get to know each other.

Enjoyment: 2/5 I would have enjoyed this a lot if it wasn't for the script-like writing. Write your story in paragraph-form and describe the background and actions! Also, use more details.

Structure: 1/5 Never add pictures to a story because this is a story, not a photo album. Also, write your story in paragraphs, not like a script to a play! Don't just include dialogue. Write it out and include background.

Overall: 61/100 While your plot is too bland and cliché, your grammar and spelling are off, and your flow is too fast, your characters have a lot of potential. I believe that if you work harder and think in your characters' shoes, you can make them more realistic. Just work on character development, and write your story in paragraphs describing the background, actions, etc. Don't just include dialogue!