Invisible Boundaries (A Boy with Two Hearts)
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/689825/invisible-boundaries-a-boy-with-two-hearts-angst-you-zelo-bap-daehyun-youngjae

About: Youngjae(BAP), OC, BAP, sequel, angst, dark, slice of life,

Katrina
Finished 7/5/14
Note: I apologize for the long wait. Thank you for not canceling.

Title: 5/5 Like the rest of your story (and other stories), it's more of a symbol than a common title. I am horrible at deciphering the meaning of anything. I'm just going to guess that by Invisible Bounadaries, you mean that Youngjae and Jiae are siblings, and they are stopped from having a relationship by invisible boundaries, not an actual wall or fence. By a "Boy with Two Hearts," at first I was guessing that Youngjae has one side that loves Jiae as a sister but another side that loves her more, and you confirmed it with chapter six.

Foreword: 10/10 I really like how it's very detailed but vague at the same time. It gives us lots of hints about what the plot and theme is without telling us everything. I love the paragraph about broken toys because it relates to your story so well and gives us an example to compare it to, allowing for a clearer understanding of it. If it isn't a sequel, it would definitely attract a lot of readers, because people tend to ignore sequels since they are too lazy to read the prequel. Full marks though for no grammatical mistakes and good descriptions.

Plot: 19/20 Wow, you truly have a big mood going on. I am actually feeling depressed from reading your story. The plot really calls out to me. You describe depression so well, it's like I am Jiae or Youngjae. This is a very different take-on of the daily idol life.

My problem is one scene, where Junhong and Jiae are making out in the taxi. I'm sorry for taking a point off, but it just stuck out a lot. I was confused, because the driver didn't say anything when they were together in the back. Did he not hear them? They were pretty loud though. Unless I read wrong, and they weren't in the taxi, because your scene changes were a bit disordered.

Another problem is that your plot stays dark for a long time. You have many events to keep me interested, but if I read a story that full of angst for up to six chapters, I won't be able to stand it. It's like there's no light at all, and this story is just going to stay in a fog. I'm not asking for a chapter full of rainbows and sunshine, but you should give us small sections where we can feel some hope for Jiae. When she finally blew up at Daehyun (sort of), we can see her slowly recovering. That's the light I'm talking about.

Specific Advice: Well, asking me about what is appealing about your story is a hard question because everyone sees things differently. Let's start with things on what you can improve on. Your switching of scenes could use some more solid details, because sometimes it gets confusing, and I don't know if your setting is this place or the other. Since you use diary entries to change settings, sometimes I get lost, thinking they're in, for example, the dorm when they're really in a taxi. 

You don't have anything that stick out badly, but like I said above, the scene changes need to be highlighted more. I sometimes get lost because you focus a lot on characters that I don't know when they go from one place to another.

About what is appealing or not, it's very hard to say so. Judging from the majority of AFF, your story would be very dark for some, because many of the readers here are fangirls. They want to see their idols being cute and charming and the OC being basically a complete mary-sue, with perfect looks and a happy personality, but your story focuses on the harsh realities of life. It shows us what it's like to be depressed, lonely, and truly hopeless. Those who want to be assured that there is a happy ending wouldn't read your story, because it's so dark that we don't even know what the ending would be like. As someone who enjoys angst, I find your story very interesting, especially the part. Anyone who enjoys angst would read this since you have a lot of darkness in your story.

A good point in your story is that you have a lot of foreshadowing. Everytime anything happens, I can already think up of a bunch of ways the plot could go. 

Characters: 20/20 I forgot to say this in your last review, but I love how even though you use the common "one girl surrounded by a group of guys" idea, you make it really dark and emphasize each individual's personality that they feel like a real group of friends and not just something from the writer's fantasies. Usually, in this situation, the common theme would be that all the guys are in love with the girl and are fighting over her, but you make Jiae so broken, flawed, and real and give the guys their own troubles that they feel like actual humans.

You do a very good job of switching perspectives and allowing the readers to see what it's like with each character, so they can piece together a bigger picture of the world your story takes place in. Each personality is very detailed and realistic, so full marks.

Grammar and Spelling: 20/20 Perfect. I'm guessing you proofread?

Flow: 15/15 As expected, after reading your prequel, the flow is well-paced and nice, allowing me to actually enjoy the past few chapters without getting distracted by other things. When I read stories on AFF, I tend to get bored and stop to think over what I've just read, because I always forget due to reading the same sentences over and over again. A lot of people on AFF don't write for the purpose of conveying an idea or teaching a lesson, but for putting down their wildest fantasies or for the sake of having readers- of having fame. Of course, there are many exceptions, and you are one of them. I have enjoyed this story because the pacing kept me reading straight forward without boring me.

Enjoyment: 5/5 The steady pacing and dark theme allowed me to enjoy your story thoroughly.

Structure: 5/5 At first, I didn't notice the dates on the diary entries and just presumed they were written in the current timeline. It wasn't until chapter four then I noticed "2009" but only because the entry was talking about Daehyun when Jiae wasn't even seeing him anymore. This is new to me. Of all the stories I've read with random entries throughout the story, this is the first time I've read a story with pages from the past. I should've expected this since your prequel had disordered chapters, so I should've known that you would change the order of things. My only question is "What is the purpose of this?" Is it to show us Jiae's past innocence and how she is different now? If it is, then that is very unique and perfect for the plot.

Second, I really enjoy how you make your titles vague and base your chapter on the title, so the readers can figure out how the title relates to the story. Most stories just make their chapter title the first thing that appears in the chapter such as "A Walk In The Park" or "Confession" so this is a fresh breath of air for me.

Everything else is evenly spaced and neat.

Overall: 99/100 Your story is filled with symbols that are explained in different scenes, and the flow is very smooth. Sometimes I feel like the flow is too smooth. There's aren't a lot of excitement that would keep me hoping for more at some scenes. Try not to keep your story in darkness all the time. Your characters are a major force in this, and they are very well-detailed and realistic. Your story is nicely written overall.