NorthMelon
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
My Not So Charming Prince
About: Amber(F(x))+Key(SHINee), Krystal(F(x)), Luna(F(x)), Sulli(F(x)), Victoria(F(x)), adventure, fantasy, fxband, keyber, shinee, romance
Bleu
Finished 6/8/2014
Title 1/5–The title is really cliché and it has barely any meaning or impact. Your title,”My Not So Charming Prince”, is pretty much telling me that the story is going to be about a boy that's not as charming as he may look. Meaning, his personality is rotten and it's not as down-to-earth as a girl might think he is according to his appearance. Nothing unique, nothing special. This is just some overused topic that has been thriving in this community for ages.
Foreword 4/10–I absolutely dislike your foreword and description, I know this may sound rather harsh, but it's the truth and I'm just being honest. Your description makes absolutely no impact on the readers, it doesn't attract the readers like it's supposed to. Also, there is absolutely nothing that sounds interesting in your description, it's so straightforward you're just basically tell the whole story to the readers. Also, I absolutely dislike why you put “Inspired by the recent movie Frozen by Disney” in your description. Put it in an author note or right at the bottom of the page. Cause at this rate, the first thing your readers will be reading is a disclaimer–this makes it really boring and it'll be a huge turn off to the readers.
“Amber: I hate him for breaking my heart.” “Key: I hate her for ratting me out.” “Both: But why am I so drawn to you?” I hate how you formatted this, did you have absolutely no other way to write this except for using the script format? I felt like you could have done so much better than this. I dislike how you formatted this and it made little impact to me as the reader.
What is with your foreword? There is no information about the story in it whatsoever. If I were you I would move “Amber: I hate him for breaking my heart.” “Key: I hate her for ratting me out.” “Both: But why am I so drawn to you?” to the foreword. Cause right now, your foreword does nothing to the reader. A reader would just skip through the foreword once they find out that there is nothing about the story. I suggest instead of having all the comments from review shops, you should finally put something about your story. This whole page barely has anything relevant to the story whatsoever.
Overall, I feel like your foreword plus description is a huge mess that clearly has no sense of organization. You have a disclaimer as the very first thing your reader reads, does that make sense to you? Because it certainly doesn't for me. Why of all things, would you have a disclaimer as your first topic? A disclaimer should be at the end of your page, because it's one of the least important things, and it absolutely doesn't have the attributes to be the very first thing a reader is supposed to read. Also, I clearly don't see any organization in this page. You have a theme song in your description, which is supposed to be in the foreword. And in your foreword, there is no information about the story. I don't know if you just wanted to throw stuff to this page and you barely gave any thought in organization or you actually thought that what you did was the right thing.
Your description paragraph, the only thing that is really giving any information about the story, it's way too straightforward. You're literally just telling the whole story to the readers, I highly doubt readers want to know what's going to happen already. They want to read and find out, not being spoiled. You gave away almost all of the possible twists and cliffhangers in your story, and that leaves your story with absolutely no suspense whatsoever.
I don't think you understand how description and forewords work. A description is meant to give the readers that sense of being attracted. It shouldn't give away any information. It's job is to attract the readers with it's pheromones. Then, while the reader is still intrigued, the foreword needs to snatch the reader to the story. The foreword is meant to give the readers the plentiful amount of information it needs without spoiling too much or too little.
❁”Inspired by the recent movie Frozen by Disney (I highly recommend you to watch it if you haven't already), this is a story about a girl who falls in love with a guy she thinks is her prince charming on a white horse but, he isn't really that kind of guy that she was expecting. Her perspective of him slowly changes through the power of time but will he ever accept her? And will she be able to admit her love to him once again after that devestating heartbreak?” should be,”Haven't we all heard of the phrase,”And they all lived...Happily Ever After”? Well, sometimes, that phrase doesn't always happen in real life. Now, let's start with the usual in fairy tales. A girl falls in love with her prince charming on a sterling white horse. She thought that he would be the one that carries her off her feet and sweeps her away. But, now let's add a twist here. This “prince charming” isn't who you think he is, he's the opposite of what you think he is. This is my little tale of an anti-fairytale.
Overall, I feel like your foreword plus description is a laugh. It's just so unorganized and I feel like you thought it would be “okay” if you just threw a bunch of stuff onto this page. But, it didn't turn out as good as you thought it would be. Your description is absolutely way too straightforward and it gives away every twist and cliffhanger you have in your story. Also, you have a disclaimer as the very FIRST thing your readers will read. Have you lost your mind? The first thing a reader is supposed to read is supposed to be something that's actually important, a disclaimer is something that is on the lower tier list.
Plot 9/20–Your story brings absolutely no excitement to me, there is nothing interesting about it and pleased to say, it has absolutely no organization. The events in this story are really really wide-spread. First there's supposed to be a coronation, and then Key and Amber get lost at some sort of island, and then they meet pirates. And in the midst of all of this, Key and Amber fall in love. What is this? You have way too much stuff going on and it makes it really hard for me to read. I really wished you had stayed on one topic, let it be the princess topic, or scrap that and go straight to a more adventure topic. Not have all of this combined. I mean, this isn't the problem it's not working out for your story. The main problem this isn't working out is because of your writing skills. Your writing skills aren't as high-leveled as for say one that is actually having this plot and it's working for them. For someone to make this plot actually work, you would need a lot of transitions, description, and patience. Which it seems you don't have that much. You need a high amount of patience to keep enduring all of the description needed to reach the , and as for you, I see that you've reached your limit and don't wish that much to keep going on and driving through. Another thing I would like to say is that half of your story is full gibberish, this is because there is like no plot backing your characters actions. There is nothing that is like filling the gaps in the story.
Overall, your plot is rather weak and makes absolutely no impact to your readers. There aren't any major twists and cliffhangers, cause in your foreword, you basically spoiled it all to us anyway. I don't feel any suspense coming from your story, and there is little appeal to your readers. I feel like you have a lot of elements missing to making a great story and I certainly can't help cause if I were to, I would have to rewrite the whole story. Some advice I would give is if you really feel like you could make this plot work, go ahead, just slow down and give a lot of description and transition. Or, if you don't feel the motivation as you did before, change it completely and just focus on one theme/topic.
Characters 11/20–To me, I don't feel like Amber and Key's real life personalities or persona, were brought to their full potential. Everybody knows that Amber is that tomboy-girl that is someone ignorant to love. While Key on the other hand, Key is a Diva. There are some points in your story that Amber is a tomboy but then there are some when she is acting like a total girly girl, especially when she's blushing or that stuff. As for Key, he never really seemed like a diva to me, more like a guy that is bashful.
I really dislike that you have so many characters talking in your story. For example, in the couple first chapters you had ALL of f(x) talking. That was just way too confusing. I wouldn't say confusing as confusing, but, because there is no variation in characters. Victoria, Sulli, Krystal, and Luna all act the same. There is no difference whatsoever. This makes me feel like your characters have no impact to the story at all. I would have preferred if you kept their personalities more varied.
Grammar and Spelling 12/20–I noticed that you had a tendency of writing way too long paragraphs. [x] Learning how to break your stories and essays into paragraphs is a confusing but important job. Nobody ever really sits down to tell you the basic rules about when to make a new paragraph, so you generally have to muddle along, making the rules up for yourself. This is too bad. New paragraphs are important for the reader. They tell when you're switching time, place, topic or speaker, and they help break the page up so it is not just a solid block of writing. Seeing that can be discouraging, and you don't want your reader to be discouraged before she even starts to read. [see more in Structure section]
Something that I noticed is that you aren't that technical with punctuation while writing with dialogue name tags. Dialogue name tags are when you have dialogue that is around the lines of,”Hello,” she said.” You should always have a comma and not a period before the name tag, cause after all, the sentence is still continuing.
Prologue
❁”Y-yeah.” she says stuttering. Her face flushes with embarrassment. What am I thinking? Amber yells to herself in her head. A hand hidden in a white glove was extended to her, offering to help her up and out of the puddle that she fell into. Amber hesitantly accepts the offer and gets up. Another ruined outfit. She thought to herself. Her white jeans are now tainted light brown and bare arms are all muddy. She turns around and around, checking her pink tank top with a loose black outer cardigan with holes, making sure they weren't stained, but they probably were anyways. She takes her hand and rubs it back and forth on her black and pink hat, frustrated. It was the middle of spring. Korean Rhododendron flowers dance in the air as the sun slowly pierces through the rain clouds. The sun's rays shine slightly onto the young man's face, making him glow, looking like he fell from the heavens. Realizing that these thoughts were filling her head, Amber snaps her head away and folds her hands behind her back. Turning his full body in her direction, he extends his hand out towards her with his other hand behind his back.” should be,”Y-yeah,” she said stuttering. Her face flushes with embarrassment. What am I thinking? Amber mentally yells to herself. A hand disguised in a white glove was extended outwards to her, offering to help her up and out of the dirty puddle that she had fell into. Amber reluctantly accepts the offer and got up. Another ruined outfit. She thought to herself. Her white jeans are now tainted light brown and her bare arms are all muddy. She twirls around and around, checking for any other embarrassments on her. Frustrated, she tries to straighten herself up. It was mid-Spring, Korean Rhododendron flowers danced in the air as the sun slowly pierced through the rain clouds. The sun's rays shone slightly onto the young man's face, making him illuminate, looking like he fell from the heavens. Realizing that these thoughts were filling in her head, Amber snaps her head away and folds her handsds her, with his other hand behind his back. behind her hack. Turning his full body in her direction, he extends his hand out towar
❁”Oh!” she exclaims startled shaking his hand politely. “Er... Amber. Princess Amber. Of... Seongnam.” she gives him a shy look as he eyed her in suspicion.” should be,”Startled, she shook his hand politely. “Er...Amber. Princess Amber. Of...Seongnam. She gave him a shy look as he eyed her with suspicion.”
❁”Uh... I know, I don't look like one because I've never really worn royal clothing. Or rather, I never really liked it.” she assured him.” should be,”Uh...I know, I don't look like one because I've never really worn royal clothing. Or rather, I never really preferred it over casual clothes,” she assured him.”
I'm not going to bother to fix any more mistakes since these mistakes are all repetitive, meaning, you're repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Just read throughout your story and proofread, if you find anything wrong, just fix it, and if you really can't decide then please do ask me.
Flow 10/15–Your flow is perfect the way it is, but it's not appealing to the readers. Your flow isn't too fast or slow, but it's not completely developed. There is nothing that is interesting in your story because of your flow, there just isn't enough suspense. There are transitions and all, but it doesn't make much of an impact. Although your flow is perfect, it doesn't make your story better at all. It just keeps it at the breakeven phase.
Enjoyment 0/5–I wasn't impressed with this story at all, it was just so unorganized and cliché that I couldn't get into it. There is nothing that is “unique” about this story, and there isn't anything that really gives any impact to the readers thinking phase. I feel like you could have done so much more, but maybe because you were lazy, or you thought that it didn't matter whether or not a story was organized or something. There really isn't anything that really made me “enjoy” this story.
Structure 2/5–I noticed that you had a tendency of writing way too long paragraphs, although long paragraphs aren't a major problem, it is when it changes the readers thinking of the story.[x]
The big idea
Learning how to break your stories and essays into paragraphs is a confusing but important job. Nobody ever really sits down to tell you the basic rules about when to make a new paragraph, so you generally have to muddle along, making the rules up for yourself. This is too bad. New paragraphs are important for the reader. They tell when you're switching time, place, topic or speaker, and they help break the page up so it is not just a solid block of writing. Seeing that can be discouraging, and you don't want your reader to be discouraged before she even starts to read.
Before you begin
You don't really have to have anything done before you begin this process. You can break a piece of writing into paragraphs after you've written it, or you can do it as you go. Doing it as you go is the best choice, but you might not be able to do that right off the bat.
How to do it
There are a few standard times to make a new paragraph:
-
When you start in on a new topic
-
When you skip to a new time
-
When you skip to a new place
-
When a new person begins to speak
-
When you want to produce a dramatic effect
Let's look at them one at a time.
New Topic
This one's mainly for essays. Every time you go on to a new topic, you should make a new paragraph.
New Time
This one – and the rest – are mainly for use in short stories. Whenever you skip some time, that will probably be the right place to make a new paragraph. If you find yourself using phrases or sentences like these, you are skipping some time:
-
Later that day,
-
The next morning,
-
Five hours passed.
-
They waited and waited.
-
Life in Dullsville remained unchanged.
-
The seconds seemed like hours.
New Place
Scenes in stories generally happen in one place. When the characters go to a new place, a new scene happens. At the very least, a new paragraph happens. Any time you have a "Meanwhile, back at..." phrase in your story, make a new paragraph.
New Speaker
If you're doing a good job, your short stories are going to have dialogue, or characters talking to each other. Dialogue helps bring stories to life. Every time you switch speakers, you make a new paragraph. Sometimes this means that your paragraphs are really short, because all a character might say is, "Nope." If that's all he says, though, that is as long as the paragraph needs to be. Another thing to remember is that, if you put the "he said" phrase before the quote, or you character does some action before he speaks, you should make that part of the same paragraph as the quote.
Action That Serves As Part of the Dialogue
A good writer will break long stretches of dialogue up with snatches of action. This is good for the rhythm of the piece. Changing things up makes the conversation flow smoothly, at least from the reader's standpoint. It also helps make a picture in the reader's mind by inserting just the right detail to bring the scene to life. The last reason for using this kind of paragraph break is that people don't always reply with words. Sometimes they shrug or make a face or ignore the other speaker entirely.
Dramatic Effect
Sometimes you simply want a paragraph to stand out, or you want to slow the reader down and control the pace of the story. At times like this, you can make a brief sentence – or even a word – an entire paragraph. Just don't overdo it; this gets old fast.
Specific Advice Wanted:
Requester Commented–Anything that I can improve on. You can be as critical as you want because I want to improve so don't take me lightly. Also, can you look out for my grammar mistakes cause I've always had grammar issues.
Reviewer Replied–You need to improve majorly on your plot line, it is really unorganized and I can hardly feel any impact on me or the readers. There is nothing that interesting since you had spoiled it already in the beginning. I feel like you could have done so much better. As for your grammar mistakes, they're really repetitive. The one major thing you have to work on is your punctuation when you have a dialogue name tag. Also, make sure to completely fulfill your character development, making sure that everyone has a different personality.
Overall 49/100–Not impressed, not pleased, and certainly not a good score. Your story was just way too messy, starting from the foreword plus description, and ending with your chapters. There is nothing that is full in depth, and everyone's character development is quite shallow. Also, I don't feel the atmosphere that is being developed, there is nothing that is really shaping the plot line. I mean, first you started with the whole Prince and Princess idea, and then you went into coronation, and then, Amber and Key got stuck on a stranded island, and then they meet pirates that were supposedly supposed to be extinct in their time period. Makes no sense whatsoever.
Comments