Wooyoung's Guide on How to Make a Playboy Fall for You
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/718236/wooyoung-s-guide-on-how-to-make-a-playboy-fall-for-you-2pm-chansung-schoollife-wooyoung--chanwoo-highschoolau

About: Chansung(2PM)+Wooyoung(2PM), romance, , , high school, comedy, fluff

Roseline
Finished 7/23/2014
Note: I am extremely sorry for the long wait! Thank you so much for not canceling!

Title: 5/5 Generally, I don’t like these types of titles, but since it relates to this one-shot so well, it fits. It relates really directly, which I don’t like, but this is a one-shot, and it also deals with what the title is promising. Your title is also attractive and unique, so full marks!

Foreword: 10/10 First off, your foreword’s grammar and spelling are fine, and you don’t have any mistakes in that area. Usually, I would say that this foreword has too little information, but in your case, it’s perfect. One of the reasons is that you’re writing a one-shot, so the foreword doesn’t need to be that detailed. Another reason is that the sneak peek revealed a lot for me, and it even sounds interesting. I like how you characterize your characters in the sneak peek already by giving us glimpses of what their personalities could be. Right away, I could tell that Wooyoung would be a funny character that I might like.

Plot: 18/20 Is homouality normal in your story? I know that homouality is becoming more accepted these days, but the people in Wooyoung’s school acted like homouality is everywhere. If you are writing using a normal Korean society, then you should show how Wooyoung confessed to being gay to the Jung brothers and how they respond instead of skipping ahead and showing that they accept homouality. Along with that, when Wooyoung first walked into his classroom, some guys even squeal. I’m pretty sure guys don’t do that in our society. I’m not against homouality (I support it a lot, actually) but you should still show a more realistic take on of this subject. I did see at the beginning, when Wooyoung was talking to the twins that you realize this, but just didn’t apply it. You did say “Have you forgotten the fact that he’s not gay?” so that proves that you are aware, but you need to show that more.

Your plot is pretty interesting. I like how Wooyoung tries hard, in his own annoying way, to win Chansung over. The ending was perfect. I really love how Chansung was the one who came back, instead of Wooyoung chasing after him. Besides some events being slightly unrealistic, I think your plot is pretty organized and well written. 

Specific Advice: No, your story is definitely not boring at all, because you have such interesting characters that put together the whole plot for you. If it wasn’t for the characters, I wouldn’t have been able to comprehend the plot, because it would have been severely empty without Wooyoung’s crazy antics. His actions to win Chansung over made the story really interesting to read.

Characters: 17/20 (Specific Advice) This occurs in a lot of stories, but I think that when the girls squealed as Wooyoung introduced himself, it was unrealistic. In real life, let’s say the hottest guy walks into your classroom and introduces himself, do you really think some girls would literally squeal at him? I think the girls would ask him a whole bunch of questions, giggle among themselves, or flirt with him right away, instead of making fools of themselves. One girl did ask him if he was single, but that was too direct to feel real. The biology question should have been asked in private, like when class ends. I get that you’re trying to show how attractive Wooyoung is, but remember to think realistically. Would this really happen in real life- in your own classroom?

I really like how different Wooyoung is from other characters I see in these types of stories. Instead of the determined love-sick puppy, he is a flirty risk-taker. He’s really confident and kind of shameless, since he was all over Chansung when they first met. The way he confessed really surprised me. I was expecting a simple introduction, but you had him go further and confess his attraction right there in a bizarre, yet amusing way that builds up the readers’ like for him. Even after that, the way he runs after Chansung and showers him with his love is a fresh breath of air, because he’s so new and creative. His personality is really spontaneous yet amusing that I can’t help but like him. I usually find a bunch of flaws in characters that make me hate them, even in real books, but your character is actually likeable.

Chansung’s reactions to Wooyoung are also realistic and interesting. I like how he sometimes fears that Wooyoung would kidnap him, and it’s actually a unique perspective coming from the love interest. Usually, they would see the other person as an annoying pest, not fear what they could do. One problem with him is that I can’t feel much of a personality from him. Wooyoung had a LOT of emotions, but Chansung is empty. I guess it’s partly because you wrote most of the chapter from Wooyoung’s POV, but you should show us more of Chansung’s personality and how he finds himself falling for another guy.

Speaking of their relationship, it develops very well but a bit fast. Then again, this is a one-shot, so I’m not expecting two pages of development. I like how Chansung pushes away Wooyoung at first, but Wooyoung presses on. However, you can stretch out the development a bit, like give some more events in between, and then have Chansung start falling for Wooyoung.

Grammar and Spelling: 18/20 Sometimes, you switch tenses but only rarely, and whenever you do, it’s only one or two word per paragraph. I can tell from the rest of your writing that you understand tenses, so I’m assuming that you just type too fast to notice. My only advice is that you look over your work once you’re finished. Another common mistake is your run-on sentences. When separating two full sentences, you should use a period or semi-colon instead of a comma. Again, this seems more like a pesky typo than an actual misunderstanding, so I won’t explain anything much.

1. P(aragraph)1 “…and a quiet person, no one wanted to be friends with him because he’s boring.” should be ‘…and a quiet person. No one wanted to be friends because he was boring.’
2. P4 “…who spoke unnecessarily loud…” should be ‘…who spoke unnecessarily loudly…’
3. P15 “…inherited their mother’s sharp-tongued…” should be “…inherited their mother’s sharp tongue…’
4. P17 “…Wooyoung would be blind to say that they’re ugly…” should be ‘…Wooyoung would be blind to say that they’re pretty…

Enjoyment: 5/5 Wooyoung really won me over. The story gave me more than what the foreword showed.

Structure: 5/5 I like the way your started your chapter one with Chansung describing Wooyoung. It gives the readers a big glimpse of the story and prepares them for what is about to come. It’s like an objective, and the readers have to read on to figure out why Wooyoung’s a male-.

I also like how you write a goal for Wooyoung at the top of each scene to show how he wins Chansung over. That is a very unique way to skip around scenes.

Right below step “He will come back when you’re gone” you wrote “2” like that. All numbers lower than 10 should be written out in word forms in a story, so “2” would be “two.”

Otherwise, your chapters are very neat and organized.

Overall: 78/85=92 The only advice that you really need is to look over your work once you’re done since you have a few typos here and there. I didn’t get much of an impression from your foreword, but your story, Wooyoung to be specific, gave me a good laugh. His antics were so spontaneous and entertaining. His character is also very likeable. Your only problem is that you give so much attention to Wooyoung without really focusing on Chansung. Just give him a bit more personality because he feels pretty empty.