sajatokki
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
Kyungsoo's Journey (to Becoming a Star)
About: Kai(EXO)+Kyungsoo(EXO), comedy, , exo, kai, kyungsoo, kaisoo, starau
Bleu
Finished 5/29/2014
Title 1/5–I feel like the title is really redundant and way too simple. I mean, it's just really, boring, and there is nothing interesting or suspenseful about it at all. Don't you like those stories that like, have this title that is mysterious, and as you keep reading the story, you later find out that the title has a really deep meaning. To me, I find those stories the best feeling of all. Cause, it just makes your heart rate go faster once you figure this out.
A recommendation I would do would probably be “Intrigued”, cause Kyungsoo is “intrigued” by Kai and his ography abilities. And, I just feel like it sounds a lot better than what you have currently. Of course, I'm not saying you HAVE to switch your title to this, it's just a suggestion.
Foreword 8/10–The only thing that I have against your foreword is the way the formatting is. Your foreword quite doesn't match the formula for a foreword. A description is meant to catch the reader's attention, not give all the information, but attract their eyes. The reader should be immediately clinched onto the story once they read or even saw the description.
On the other hand, for a foreword, a foreword's job is to provide the readers with the right amount of information. I mean, you must give them prior information or else, I mean, they'll be confused and lose their interest right? The description and foreword must work as one, since after all, it's their job to grab the readers and make them read the story.
But currently, your foreword is a one trick pony, there is no foreword giving us any information, just a description that only provides us with attraction to the story. I would have wish there was more information given. Perhaps, a part in the story that's valuable and you have it in the foreword instead? Something that gives the readers information.
Besides from these small blemishes, your foreword and description is really good. It really makes me intrigued to the story, although I wish I got some more information, I feel like it really drove me to keep reading on. Your foreword just makes this atmosphere that is really feeling friendly to the readers. I think that's one of the main reasons that I kept reading onward after the foreword.
Another thing is, I feel like, your word choices are a little it repetitive. You overuse pronouns too much, such as “his”, this is because your story is based on two boys, Kyungsoo and Kai. Since you tend to overuse this word and not use the name or another word instead, it makes the readers feel like you're talking about Kai, when you're actually talking about Kyungsoo. This makes the readers feel confused on who you're actually talking to, since there is just way too many possible perspectives going on.
The last comment I would like to make to your foreword is that I feel like it's a little bit too plain. There really isn't anything authentic or artistic that is like popping out. Well, besides from the poster. I felt like you could add like I don't know, some formatting designs, such as line breaks that are flowers, or just some symbolic aspects. As long as it makes your description+foreword a little bit different than the casual format. This is what will make your story look unique.
Grammatical and Spelling Mistakes and Corrections:
❁”Kyungsoo needs to meet his favorite star, Kai. He envies the people in the videos who can constantly have mind-blowing with the golden-skinned incubus and wishes that he could have just one night with him. His dreams are filled with images of Kai performing sinful acts on him, be it him off, melding their deliciously plump lips together, or burying his thick deep in his .” should be,”Kyungsoo needs to meet his favorite star, Kai. He envies how the people in his videos can constantly have mind-blowing with this golden-skinned incubus. He wishes that he could just have one night, no, one hour, with Kai. Kyungsoo's dreams are filled with images of Kai performing sinful, yet luscious, acts on him, let it be him clean, melding their deliciously plump lips together, or burying his thick deep into his .”
❁”Sadly, it seems that the only way that Kyungsoo'd be able to get close to Kai would be to become a star. Most people would give up hope at that, not willing to throw their lives away to go into the filthy industry, but Kyungsoo's life is nothing special at the moment. He lives alone, paying a rent that is too high for an apartment like the one he lives in. He works the same dead end job he has worked for three years with no sign of a promotion. He hardly ever goes out and has few friends. Kyungsoo doesn't see what he has to lose at this point, so he decides to be a little crazy for once and try his chances at being an adult actor.” should be,” should be,”Sadly, it seems that the only way that Kyungsoo'd be able to get close to Kai would be to become a star. Most people would give up on that idea, not willing to throw away their whole lives just to get into a filthy industry, but, Kyungsoo's life meant nothing to him. He lives alone, paying a rent that is too high for an apartment that he lives in. He works the same dead-end job he has had for three years now, and with no sign of a promotion. He hardley ever goes out and he has little to no friends. Kyungsoo doesn't seem what his purpose was in life at this point, so he decided that he should be a little crazy for once and tested his chances for being an actual adult star.”
❁”This is the start of Kyungsoo's path to stardom.” should be,”As you read on, you'll experience Kyungsoo's path to stardom.”
Plot 17/20–When Kyungsoo said “YOLO”, in the story of the first chapter, it's just way too unrealistic and mary-sue. Kyungsoo lives in Korea, and he lives in Gangnam street but he has no exposure to foreign slang. So, why would Kyungsoo say YOLO? I mean, if he was famous, or he lived in a foreign society before, I would understand, but right now no. Please do not make him say YOLO or any slang that might be common in America cause after all, it's just really, really, mary-sue and unrealistic.
Also, how does Kyungsoo know what B.O mean? I mean, B.O means Body Odor. But, he's Korean, so, he shouldn't know unless he's actually been to a foreign country, or he's fluent in English or knows a lot of slang. I mean, don't use slang phrases that are based on the American language such as English, it makes absolutely no sense so I have no idea why you use it. Think of it from the perspective of a Korean not of an American.
Besides from this, your story is really good! I was really into this story, and at the end of chapter 5, I was like, “Wait what. NEXT CHAPTER PLEASE OMG PLEASE!!!.” I was just that into the book! Ugh! I really wish you would continue you more. I think this is one of the few stories that I've reviewed that actually made me hooked to the story like this!
Characters 16/20–Your characters are a little bit too redundant and irrelevant to the story. Kyungsoo, I feel like his personality is a little bit on my negative side, I'm not a huge fan of his naïve and obscure personality. I wish he was a little bit more mature-minded. But, I guess it fits perfectly into the story. As for Kai, I like how you didn't have him come in until late in the story, it really creates a lot suspense and cliffhangers. As for the rest of the characters, I don't see the major importance in them, their personalities all seem to clash together and it makes me feel like there's not variety and it's quite boring. I think that's the main problem, I'm not a huge fan of you have putting in all 12 members of EXO, unless you can absolutely make sure that you'll make it really vivid and full of varieties.
Grammar and Spelling 18/20–I feel like, your word choices are a little it repetitive. You overuse pronouns too much, such as “his”, this is because your story is based on two boys, Kyungsoo and Kai. Since you tend to overuse this word and not use the name or another word instead, it makes the readers feel like you're talking about Kai, when you're actually talking about Kyungsoo. This makes the readers feel confused on who you're actually talking to, since there is just way too many possible perspectives going on.
Also, your writing style is really repetitive as well, it's like, a straight line. There's nothing really atmosphere changing or emotion changing, although I feel like, there's more than one person writing this, I don't know why. But the wording and like, accents, really changed in chapter two and three. I don't know why, maybe it's just me. Anyway, your writing style is really redundant, like, it's always the same things, you don't add any figurative language, or anything that really makes your story pop out.
Figurative language is hyperbole, metaphor, simile, alliteration, and personification. A hyperbole is when you exaggerate over something, such as,”It took me 10 years to walk up that mountain!” A metaphor would be making a comparison without using “as” or “like”. Almost giving the receiver a completely different perspective. An example would be,”He was my own sun, illuminating me every day, but closer.” A simile, is a comparison made using words such as “as” or “like”, such as,”She ran like a cheetah.” Alliteration is having three words consecutive that both start with the same letter, such as,”The, big, blue, balloon flew into the sky.” Lastly, personification is giving non-human attributes human attributes. Such as,”The snowflakes danced their way to the ground.”
Flow 13/15–A little bit on the fast side, I felt like you had a little too much time skips in your story that I felt was a little bit irrelevant. Besides from this, I think it was really good and you should just keep this flow! I love how you have cliffhangers every now and then. I wish there were just a little bit more suspense, but this is good as well.
Enjoyment 5/5–I really loved this story. I think this is one of the few stories that I actually felt addicted to. This is one of the few stories that I've actually reviewed and I was absolutely hooked to it that I'm still reading these stories today. I think, you do a really job at hooking the reader's attention. That's what I love the most about this story, although it is repetitive, like you said, it really grabs my attention. I felt like, this story is really unique, this plot line is really unique meaning, It's hard to find a story like this often—unlike those high school slice of life stories.
Structure 5/5–Perfect.
Specific Advice Wanted:
Requester commented—General review, repetitive language use
Reviewer replied—I feel like if you want a general review, just look at the following context above this section. And as for your repetitive language use, you are correct, you do have a lot of repetitive language use. It really made me feel like your tone was really boring, I mean, there was nothing that really made your story seem different. It was the same wordings over and over again. Remember, you should never use the same word (besides from the essential ones) more than once in a sentence. Or else it'll be really redundant. Another thing is, I suggest looking at a thesaurus if you have troubles thinking of synonyms.
Overall 83/100–You have absolutely no idea how intrigued I was to this story. It really made me mad when I found out there's no Chapter 6 yet. Haha. I think this is one of the very few stories that actually made me think like this or act this way. Anyway, good job, just a few mistakes here and there though.
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