ChocoPanda
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
Angel Dust
About: Ji Eun(IU)+Myungsoo(Infinite), iusinger, infinite, romance, thebiased, myungu
Bleu
Finished on 7/2/2014
Chapters Read 2/2
Author Note–Hello, this is Bleu also known as iShiroKins, the reason I'm writing an author's note is because I've realized that you must be quite upset of how late this review is. Please be assured that we did not forget you, or was it because we were lazy and didn't want to work on your review. We have exactly all of the requests in order. Although this isn't a proper or acceptable excuse for having a late request, the reasons why we've been so backed up is because of the following...Okay, so in April-May a lot of members went on vacation and so on, and then, when they came back, it was not long for them to have their finals. This really gave us the worse situation ever, I'm sure you guys, as fellow authors, know how hard it is to balance Asianfanfiction and school finals. I do not think this will be a good enough excuse or apology for you to look away from this mess-up, but please know that we had no means of showing disrespect or ignorance to this review.
Title 4.5/5–I felt like your title independently was really great. It wasn't too cliché or too mary-sue, and it was really relevant to the story. I really love how you had the title in the story, and funny how it turned out to be the title of Myungsoo's book. Something I wasn't quite a fan of was how the title wasn't that much of a symbolism in your story. I wanted your title to have some more symbolism with the relationship. I think that your title is really great, but I wish it had blended into your story a little bit better.
Some options for different titles would be,”The World of Classics”,”Where the Classics Live”. I really feel like classics were such a great symbolism for the story. Your story was rather melodramatic, and you know classics, they can be quite melodramatic as well. Overall, I didn't find your title, “Angel Dust”, the most interesting. If I were to see it through the forums, I would have been quite hesitant on reading it or not.
Foreword 8.5/10–I'm not quite sure what I should make out of your foreword. It was full of many different perspectives and I can't really tell if I liked them or not. They really gave me that mysterious feeling that I absolutely adore–I hope you don't leave me hanging though. I like how you gave the perspectives of both Ji Eun and Myungsoo–although at first I just thought it was Myungsoo's perspective until I read ahead.
You do a really great job at “leading” your readers. It's been quite a while since I've seen a writer actually lead their readers to something. At first, when I read the quote,”You're imperfectly flawless in your own way that's only visible to me”, I thought that you had made a mistake or something. Please remember that when I read this quote, I had thought it was spoken by Myungsoo. I was like, why would a man say this to his lover? Myungsoo would be literally telling Ji Eun that she has flaws and they can be seen by him. At first I was quite confused, since this could have been good and bad. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I read ahead [Yes, I have a terrible habit of reading ahead] and then I noticed that it was actually Ji Eun speaking this. Reading the full paragraph really made sense now. It made me see your story at a completely different perspective. In my opinion, I liked what you did here and led your readers on–you didn't leave them hanging either. But, if you wish to not make your readers confused about your story, one variety you could have is have the full paragraph in here in the first place. It all depends on how your readers want to feel when they read your story–either be confused and then finding the answer later on, or, already knowing the answer and being able to read without anything dragging them back.
I don't think you noticed this but you have quite a few run-off sentences in your foreword. This is especially when you have Myungsoo talk drastically about his interactions with Ji Eun. Remember that when you're writing an emotion-packed segment don't get carried away and forget your punctuations. I understand how those can really get you off track, but that's why you should always proofread your writing after you finished your first copy.
Something that I would like to suggest is to be more versatile and use other punctuations. I noticed that you're quite a fan of using commas, but you must also be aware that there were others as well. I suggest using the following; hyphens, colons, semi-colons, parentheses, and ellipses. These may all seem the same thing, but there are certain attributes needed to use these, and make sure you know how to use these properly.
Remember than anyone can be a “writer”, but not everyone has the abilities to become an author. When you mentioned that Myungsoo wants to trash his dream of becoming a writer, that's quite false. To be a writer, you just have to write, it doesn't matter if a publishing company rejects you or not. So technically, Myungsoo is a writer as long as he writes. But to be an author is different. An author is something that has wrote something that was published. Please remember the difference between an author and writer.
I really like how you formatted your description and foreword, you made sure to give more than one perspective. I like how you first read something that's like an introduction to your story, then you have something that's like, leading the readers on. It's like mixture of straightforwardness and mystery. I really love this combination since it really highlights your story. Now let's talk about your foreword, I love the mystery you added into this, and at first I thought it was an author note when I was reading it. But as I kept thinking about it, it was actually spoken by Myungsoo.
Overall, I feel like you did an amazing job at writing your foreword. You did a really good job at leading your readers on. There was a lot of mystery in your foreword, but you also remember to at least have some information as well. The only thing wrong with your foreword is that there are some run-off sentences here and there. Your quote/excerpt from the story can be a good thing and a bad thing. Some people like me, will think that it was an amazing job to lead your readers to an important part in your story. While others will hate it since it'll make them confused, and they don't like it's written.
Correction(s)
Tip: Something that I noticed while reading your foreword is that you have times where you switch tenses, remember to decide on what tense you want to write in for this paragraph, and then make sure to keep the same tense the whole time–and not go onto other tenses.
1) Mistake–“After being rejected for the fifth time by a publishing company, Kim Myungsoo decides to trash his dream of becoming a writer. It's strange how his failure leads him to a girl with sparkly eyes, bubbly laughter, and a smile that's full of joy.” (Located in description, first paragraph)
1) Correction–“After having a publishing company reject him for the fifth time, Kim Myungsoo finally decides to trash his dream of becoming an author. It's strange how his sudden failure leads him to a girl with dazzling eyes; a laughter full of joy, and a true smile.”
2) Mistake–“Ultimately, she'll be the one who will help him conquer his failures and bring him up again, even if it crushes her down. Her light will only bring him the determination to start over and rewrite his, no, their reality.” (Located in description, second paragraph)
2) Correction–“Overall, she'll be the one who'll help him conquer all his failures, and bring him up again–even if it shall crush her down. Her light will bring him the determination to start over and rewrite his–no–their reality.”
3) Mistake–“It has been a long time since I've grasped the chance to sit down and write. Just write and let the words flow through my fingertips onto a blank canvas. In the past, it was clear to you that I wanted to avoid writing because it fetched back days of failure and disappointment. It's strange how you brought the desire to display pretty words and intricate sentences on pieces of paper and blank work documents again. If I were a good writer, then I would dedicate a whole novel to you about how the twinkling stars and moons are intertwined with the strands of your hair and how the peaceful ocean lay in your eyes, how beautiful pink roses are painted on your soft chubby cheeks when you talk about books and how there's sunlight in your joyful laughter.” (Located in foreword)
3) Correction–“It's been a while since I've built up the confidences to sit down and write. Just write and let the words flow through my fingertips and onto the blank canvas. In the past, it was quite clear to you that I wanted to avoid writing–it fetched back those days of failure and disappointment. It's strange how you brought back the desire to display pretty words, and intricate sentences on pieces of paper and blank Word documents. If only I was an exceptional writer, then I could dedicate a whole novel to you about how those twinkling stars and moons are intertwined with the strands of your hair, and how the peaceful ocean laid in your eyes. How the beautiful, pink roses are painted on your soft, chubby cheeks when you talk about books–and how there's sunlight in your joyful laughter.”
Plot 20/20–Crap, you have no idea how much I loved your story. You did an amazing job at fooling your readers. At first I thought that maybe, Ji Eun, would survive. But of course being that twisted fellow you are, you had to make her die. Man, that was amazing. I really enjoyed the plot you had created, and I would do nothing to change it. You do a really great job at plot development. You really moved your readers.
I feel like there was definitely not a single dry eye when your readers read this, you did a great job at organizing and planning. It was like every puzzle piece fit comfortably into place. Overall, I feel like your plot is amazing, and it wasn't cliché what so ever. I think that you have great potential with this, and I would definitely love to keep reading stories from you!
Characters 17/20–How come Myungsoo can't just self-publish his works? Is he afraid that he spends money to publish something but it turns out to be a failure? Or does he not have the money to self-publish? Thinking of the time period this story is based in, I don't think it'd be uncommon to self-publish something. Self-publishing is the publication of any book or other media by the author of the work, without the involvement of an established third-party publisher. A self-published physical book is said to be privately printed. The author is responsible and in control of the entire process including, in the case of a book, the design of the cover and interior, format, price, distribution, marketing and public relations. The author(s) can do it all themselves or outsource all or part of the process to companies that offer these services.
Self-publishing could be a solution to Myungsoo's problem, but, is there a certain reason why he can't? This should have came to Myungsoo's mind somehow, since he was desperate to find a publishing company, he must have crossed by the idea of self-publishing. Most self-publishers later on get a chance to get signed to a publishing company as well (this could be like a way to get a higher chance to get signed). Fun fact, “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” was self-published and soon became signed to a publishing company.
Like I said before in my foreword section, there is nothing stopping Myungsoo from being a writer. A writer is something the writes books, stories, or articles as a job or regular occupation. Just because he got rejected by publishing companies doesn't mean that he isn't a writer. Anybody can be a writer, but to be an author is different. To be an author means to be published. Please don't mix the ideas of being a writer and author.
Overall, your character development was just amazing. Myungsoo changed so much throughout this story, and all because of Ji Eun. I love how you didn't mentioned any other characters besides from these two, since these two are your one and only major protagonists. You did a great job at developing these characters, and I felt like you really brought them to life. Myungsoo really gave an impact to me, and the readers. I can't help but feel so sorry for him having Ji Eun die. And I really love how Myungsoo didn't freak out when she died.
Grammar and Spelling 16/20–Something that I would like to advise is to be more versatile with your commas, I noticed that you use commas quite frequently. It gets quite redundant when you're reading a paragraph, and you see like 5-10 commas at once. Please remember that other options exist. Some other options would be hyphens, colons, semi-colons, ellipses, parentheses, etc. If you have any questions about what these are and how to use these, please be free and question me.
Another thing I had noticed is that you tend to have a lot of run-off sentences. A run-off sentence is a sentence that just seems to never end. To figure out if you're writing a run-off sentence or not is by simply reading it out loud or in your head, and if you feel like you haven't stopped or paused in a while, then it's a run-off sentence. Fixing run-off/run-on sentences are easy, basically, you just have to add either the following; commas, semi-colons, hyphens, colons, parentheses, or ellipses.
You also have times when you have sentence fragments, a sentence fragment is an incomplete sentence. Some fragments are incomplete because they lack either a subject or a verb. The fragments that most writers have trouble with, however, are dependent clauses–they have a subject and a verb, so they look like complete sentences, but they don't express a complete thought. Remember that a dependent sentence relies on an independent sentence. To identify a sentence fragment is to remember the basic formula: subject, verb, and complete thought. If you can recognize those things, you're halfway there. Then, scan your sentences for subordinating conjunctions. If you find one, first identify the whole chunk of the dependent clause, and then make sure they're attached to an independent clause.
Remember to stick to one tense. If you decide to write this paragraph in one tense, then keep it like that, don't suddenly change your tense in the middle of your paragraph. If you do so, the readers will be lost on what the setting/time period is.
Correction(s)
1) Mistake–“Rejection hurt.”
1) Correction–“Rejection hurts.”
2) Mistake–“Being rejected five times hurt even more.”
2) Correction–“Having being rejected five times hurts even more though.”
3) Mistake–“...As the minutes trickled by and the neon lights of Seoul began to blur into one beautiful mess, Myungsoo felt the urge to go and litter the pages of his novel everywhere.”
3) Correction–“...As the minutes trickle by, the neon lights of Seoul began to blur into one, beautiful mess. Myungsoo soon felt the urge to let go, and litters the pages of his novel everywhere.”
4) Mistake–“...Myungsoo increased the speed of his strides and did not stop running until he reached his haven – the library.”
4) Correction–“...Myungsoo soon increased the speed of his strides, and didn't stop running until he had reached his safe haven–the library.”
5) Mistake–“He had wanted to scream earlier and curse at the lady who was working at the front desk of the company, but decided against it since it was wasn't her who had rejected to publish his book. But now, that want and need to shoot threats and cuss words was ignited again and it took more than ten deep breaths to calm himself down.”
5) Correction–“Earlier, he had wanted to scream and curse at the lady working at the front desk of the company. Myungsoo decided against it, since he knew it wasn't her job to decide whether or not to publish his book. Having held his anger enough, the want and need to shoot threats and cuss words everywhere was ignited–it took more than ten deep breaths to calm himself back down.”
6) Mistake–“Myungsoo's thoughts trailed to his trashed story resting in the blue recycling bin and then to Ji Eun.”
6) Correction–“Myungsoo's thoughts trailed to his trashed story resting in the blue, recycling bin, and then to Ji Eun.”
7) Mistake–“Ji Eun raised her eyebrow,.”Are you trying to flirt with me? I'm second guessing now. What if you' are a creeper after all?” She was joking, but Myungsoo pulled back and let a wash of baby pink bloom over his cheeks.”
7) Correction–“Ji Eun raised her eyebrow,”Are you trying to flirt with me? I'm second guessing now. What if you are a creeper after all?” She was joking, but Myungsoo pulled back–and let a wash of baby pink bloom over his cheeks.”
Flow 15/15–You did a great job with your flow, and I really love how even if your characters fell in love in two chapters, it didn't feel too fast at all. I love how you didn't make your characters automatically do a lot of interactions such as kissing and what not really quick. Your flow was amazing, and I had nothing to complain about it. You did a great job at adding background information when necessary, and you had amazing balance throughout your story.
Enjoyment 5/5–I absolutely enjoyed your story. You really tricked me towards the end. I had believed that Ji Eun was going to survive, but of course, you had to kill her off. It was really emotional for me, since I usually review stories that don't really surprise me. I love how you wrote this story, and your development was spot on. Your characters were really vivid, and it made me feel like they could be right in front of my eyes.
Structure 5/5–Perfect, nothing to complain about. Just make sure you know when to change paragraphs. Remember to change paragraphs whenever you have a new; setting, time period, speaker, etc.
Specific Advice Wanted:
Requester Commented: Flow, grammar, and the overall 'feel' and impression of the story.
Reviewer Reply: I think that the flow is perfect the way it is, you do a really great job at organizing. It felt like all the puzzle pieces fitted perfectly into place. As for your grammar though, you have many basic mistakes that can be easily fixed. Remember to stick to one tense each paragraph, don't change abruptly in the middle of the paragraph. Another thing is, make sure you know how to prevent run-on sentences. Run-on sentences can be quite annoying when you're reading a story. A trick to figure whether or not you're writing one is simply reading it and if you feel like you haven't paused in a while, then it's a run-on. Run-on sentences are quite easy to fix, you just need to add either a comma; semi-colons, colon, ellipses, parentheses, hyphens, etc. Another thing you might want to think about is to be more versatile, don't just use commas cause their the easiest. It looks quite redundant when you only have commas in your story. The overall feel and impression of your story is quite melodramatic. I really enjoyed it cause you did a great job at filling the holes you created in your foreword, and you also led the readers as well. You also tricked me at the end, I had believed that Ji Eun was going to live.
Overall 91/100–This story is absolutely amazing, and it is definitely recommendation worthy. The character development and plot development was spot on. I can't believe how much Myungsoo changed over this course of time, and only because of one, single girl. Just make sure to be careful with run-on sentences and sentence fragments. Also, make sure that you don't have anything that could be too “Americanized” for your story, since it should be set in Seoul. Make sure to keep on reading, since you have quite the ability. I would be overjoyed if you requested again, cause I am quite a fan of your writings now.
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