A Foxy Present
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/573822/a-foxy-present-fluff-jonghyun-jongkey-key-shinee-supernatural

About: Jonghyun(SHINee)+Key(SHINee), romance, fluff, shape shifters, fox, supernatural

Ahri
Finished 7/19/2014
Note: I apologize for the extremely long wait! Thank you for not canceling. By the way, you asked me to read your latest chapters, and the latest at the time you requested were 23-29, so I reviewed from there.

Title: 5/5 I love your title. I like how you make it catchy and interesting instead of “Foxy Pet” or something that could give out the entire plot of the story. I would definitely take a look at your story if I were to see this randomly. I like how it doesn’t hint at a shape shifter at first, so if someone sees this in the searches, they would think it’s a regular romance.

Foreword: 8/10 First of all, you have some typos in your foreword. I’m pretty sure they’re just mistakes made by typing too fast, so I won’t explain anything here.

Paragraph 1 “His furk became soaked from the snow because he hadn’t found a dry spot anywhere, but he was way to tired to go on searching.” should be ‘His fur became soaked from the snow because he hadn’t found a dry spot anywhere, but he was way too tired to continue searching.’
2. P1 “…and he didn’ want to.” should be ‘…and he didn’t want to.’
3. P4 “He was too tired and worn ot to move or do something…” should be ‘He was too tired and worn out to move or do anything…’

Your foreword is okay, I guess. Usually, I don’t see excerpts as forewords (without a summary), but your excerpt provides enough background information in this case. Since your plot isn’t a simple romance, this is enough to hook readers in.

What I don’t like is your character list (or lack of). You provide their names, age, and pictures. That’s all. If you’re going to give a list, give some background information about them as well. I personally don’t like using lists, because I don’t see them as part of the story, and they reveal a lot of information prior to the story, but I also don’t like “picture lists”. What’s the point of giving a list if you’re not going to explain the characters? 

Plot: 17/20 Your plot is unique, and I like how Kibum’s a shape shifter, but I feel like you don’t explain shape shifters thoroughly enough. You give us a basic outline of what they are, but you don’t go into the deeper stuff. Do they have their own governments? How did they become shape shifters? Do they have a queen or king? Be thorough, especially if you’re working with another race.

Specific Advice: Your plot is fluffy and full of cuteness, but I don’t find it interesting, because I can’t really see another plot. Like, your plot is so flat. It’s focused too much on Jonghyun and Kibum’s relationship. A story shouldn’t only be about love. There should be another plot to keep everything moving. I skipped around your story to look for anything that could hint at another hidden plot, but I couldn’t find anything. Everywhere I looked, there were just plain love, bonding, etc. There weren’t any other side-plots to spice things up. This leaves the story as a simple, light read, not a story to keep someone hoping for more. For example, “The Faults In Our Stars” is mainly a romance novel, but it doesn’t ONLY focus on love. It shows other features such as having cancer or bonding with your family, and it also has many twists in the plot to keep it moving. Your story moves too smoothly. There aren’t any twists.

Characters: 14/20 I didn’t read too much of the earlier chapters (I only read enough to get an understanding of the background), but do people know that Kibum is a fox? Since he’s not exactly human, normally people wouldn’t know him, unless they were acquainted with Jonghyun and his friends. If I was Jonghyun, and someone came to me asking to see my fox, I wouldn’t let them in, because who were they? How do they know about Kibum, especially since he’s not human? Does Kibum have any other human friends outside of Jonghyun? Jonghyun didn’t seem shocked or suspicious when he let the people in. I know you wrote that he was afraid of what they would do, but why would he let them in, in the first place?

Like I said above, I didn’t read your earlier chapters, so I’m not sure, but in your society, are shape shifters normal? In the Beach chapter, the girls acted like Kibum being a pet was a normal thing. Speaking of that, when he arrived at the beach, you didn’t say anything about him wearing a hat. Doesn’t he have ears? Won’t he have to hide them or something? Unless it’s normal in your story for people to see shape shifters. Actually, I just read chapter twenty-eight, and it said that people don’t know a lot about shape shifters in your story. So why did the girls treat Kibum like he’s a normal part of their society?

Leeteuk accepted Kibum just like that? I’m pretty sure that if I find out that shape shifters live among me, and I’m facing one right now, I would freak out. Try to show some more resistance instead of just having Leeteuk accept Kibum like that.

When Kibum’s parents met him again, they acted the way I thought they should act to their missing son, but they left so suddenly. They haven’t seen their son for an entire year, but after discovering that he was in good hands, they just left like that? It was too sudden to feel real. Normally, parents would want to eat dinner with their son, borrow him for a few days, catch up with him, or at least stay longer.

Kibum’s character is alright, since you do manage to show his innocence and child-like curiosity well. The problem lies in Jonghyun and the other boys. They feel so fake, like they are puppets controlled by you. Their dialogue is the first thing I noticed. They say things that normal twenty-year-olds don’t say. They act so motherly, so womanly. I know since you’re most likely a girl and you’re trying to write through a guy’s POV, it’s hard. I just suggest that you make them tougher, like less emotional. Jonghyun is okay, but I mean Taemin or Minho, sometimes. From what I read, they express themselves a lot, and guys don’t usually do that. Make it more like they are feeling these emotions silently, but they are too prideful or embarrassed to say them out loud.

Grammar and Spelling: 18/20 You have a few typos (missing letters or apostrophes) in each chapter, but I think they are mostly due to you typing too fast to notice. Your grammar and spelling are pretty good, and you manage to keep your tenses the same. You also don’t have a lot of run-on sentences. Your only problem is making a lot of pesky typos.

Flow: 12/15 Like I said in your plot section, you don’t have a lot of twists. Whenever you do add one (Kibum’s parents) you end it really quickly that it doesn’t leave an effect on the readers. I mean, after Kibum’s parents visited, we didn’t hear much from them again, did we? Isn’t Kibum their long-lost son? Besides that, unless you’re aiming for a light read, you should add more twists and little things to spice up the plot and keep it moving. Don’t leave your pace too smooth.

Enjoyment: 4/5 I like the fluffiness, but sometimes it gets too much. Don’t focus primarily on love and cuteness.

Structure: 5/5 Everything’s neat and organized, but I do suggest that you don’t leave so much space at the end of each chapter.

Overall: 83/100 The story is a very nice read that invokes a feeling of content since Kibum is portrayed very nicely. You emphasize his child-like innocence, showing to us that he’s not human, but the other characters didn’t come out as well as he did. The main problem is how monotone your plot is. It stays on one thing for too long