25 out of 365
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/718764/25-out-of-365-apink-sliceoflife-bap-lay-exopink-bts

About: Lay(Exo)+Bomi(Apink), slice of life, slight angst, drama, romance, nostalgia, summer

Ahri
Finished 7/23/14
Note: I apologize for the extremely late review. Thank you for not canceling.

Title: 5/5 It’s very symbolic and has a nice slice-of-life tone to it. If I see this randomly in the search, I would definitely check it, because it sounds very nostalgic and lovely. I can somewhat tell how it relates to the story, since I’m guessing that Bomi is sick in the future of your story (or something) and Lay is writing about how he had 25 days to see her? I am not good with deciphering titles, so I’m probably wrong, but this is only my interpretation.

Foreword: 7/10 I corrected the grammar mistakes below, but you have more problems than mere typos. I don’t know if this is just me, but in the first sentence, it says that Zhang Yixing was popular UNTIL two years ago. That means that he is no longer popular, right? However, the sentences after that are saying that he is still popular, so I don’t understand what “until two years ago” refers to. Besides this, your foreword seems interesting and has enough information to hook readers in. This is optional, so I’m not going to take any point off, but you should space your foreword instead of squishing everything together. It makes the foreword cleaner and easier to read, but this is more of a personal preference.

1. “…everyone was so fond off…” should be ‘…everyone was so fond of…’
2. “Ever since he had moved from China to Busan two years back…” should be ‘Ever since he moved from China to Busan two years ago…’
3. “Yet, despite everyone who flocks and admires him for his charms and talents, Yixing only has a countable number of people that he really labels and calls as ‘friends’ and they’re all boys just like him, because he thinks the female species are just so hard to deal with, and they confuse him to no end.” should be ‘Despite his popularity, Yixing only has a countable number of people that he really labels as ‘friends,’ and they’re all boys, just like him. He thinks that the female species is just too hard to deal with, since they confuse him to no end.’ I corrected this because this is a huge run-on sentence.
4. “So to avoid all the and drama, he keeps a good distance away from them as much as possible.” should be “In order to avoid all the drama and , he keeps a good distance away from them.’
5. “But his perspective on women change…” should be ‘But his perspective on women changes…’

While you do keep your character list clean, since you line the pictures up next to each other instead of listing them vertically, it still doesn’t help your story. I am fine with character lists, as long as they provide a description of the character, but you don’t do that. You only give us a picture and their age. What’s the point of a character list if you don’t explain? Besides, this is a written fanfic, not a comic, so you shouldn’t use pictures to describe their looks.

Plot: 19/20 In response to your author note at the end of chapter one, yes you did make a great impression on me and the readers as well, I’m sure. Your foreword isn’t as well written as your story, so I wasn’t expecting this level of writing. It has a lot of mood (regret and nostalgia) that keeps your story alive. I could feel the emotion in the writing and act along with it. The plot outline is one of those “women-hating guy meets another girl who’s different” but you develop it so well and provide so many different elements that you created a separate plot all for yourself. It’s not often that I read a story of this genre that’s written from the guy’s POV. It’s usually the girl who talks about her life and how she meets the guy, but you do it from Lay, who’s basically the cool guy. You show us a different perspective of the leading male in the story and how the girl affects him, instead of how the guy affects the girl.

In each chapter, you also have a lot of foreshadowing. I get the feeling that something terrible is going to happen to Bomi, possibly an illness. Instead of telling us directly, you give hints of it, and that’s amazing.

What I think is lacking is background information. What happened to Lay’s mother? How did he meet his friends? Besides these two major questions, there are many really tiny ones, but I don’t see them as necessary. Answering these somewhere in the story will give the readers a clearer understanding of the story, since they know exactly what the extent of Lay’s relationship with his friends is.

Specific Advice: Yes, your story definitely matches the slice-of-life genre, because you have such a big mood going on that I can feel the nostalgia of summertime and past memories. As for drama, since you only have the first few chapters down, and there isn’t a lot of drama going on so far, I can’t say, but you provide a lot of foreshadowing. I get the feeling, especially from how Soojung likes Lay, that a love triangle will happen between Lay, Soojung, and Bomi. That counts as drama, so I guess you have a foundation for the drama to occur.

Characters: 20/20 (Specific Advice) Lay is extremely well-detailed, and that’s not just due to the fact that you are writing from first-person POV. You show us his emotions and reactions to even the smallest thing to allow for the readers to connect with him and see him as a real person. Throughout the story, you manage to show Lay’s discomfort and caution around women and how he slowly accepts Bomi. Step by step, you show how the relationship develops instead of rushing everything. I like how you make it that Lay judges Bomi and doesn’t fall in love with her right away until later on, after he gets to know her. Instead he only thinks she’s attractive, but he doesn’t make any moves. It makes him more realistic and easier to make a connection with.

Grammar and Spelling: 18/20 You write “you’re” instead of “your” a few times, along with other typos like “their and there”. Since these are most likely mistakes due to you typing too fast to notice, I’m not going to give you any grammar lessons. The only advice I can give you is to look over your work once you’re finished. Your vocabulary is pretty good, and your sentences are well-written.

Chapter one, P(aragraph)15 “…even though I tired to look like…” should be ‘…even though I tried to look like…’
2. P17 “…milky white skin like you’re cousin and family members…” should be ‘…milky white skin like your cousin and other family members…’
3. P29 “He’s aunt and cousin…” should be “His aunt and cousin…’

Chapter two, P30 “…would be when they’d be introduce…” should be ‘…would be when they were introduced…’

Chapter four, P12 “…Namjoon looking at Yoongi and I by then.” should be ‘…Namjoon looking at Yoongi and me by then.’

Flow: 15/15 (Specific Advice) The events come in chronologically, the relationships develop slowly over time, and the pace is even and does not slow down at all. Basically, your flow is perfect in every way. I have nothing else to say, because you use your time so well that the story feels right.

Enjoyment: 5/5 Besides the occasional typos, I think this story is very well-written and a great read.

Structure: 5/5 Your chapter names are the most unique I’ve ever seen. You name the chapters on the side as “one, two, and so on” but the real chapter names are revealed at the top of each chapter. Not only that, you give them short, symbolic names that the readers can only guess the meaning of if they read the chapter, instead of something obvious like “First Meeting.”

I am not sure what the number below the chapter name refers to, but I’m guessing it’s the date in the chapter?
Your chapters are very neat and organized. If I can give more than five in this area, I would.

Overall: 94/100 The only advices that you really need are to look over your work once you’re done and to fix your foreword. The first impression I got of your story, when I read the foreword, is that your story would be a cliché romance, but your chapter blew that away right on the spot. The language is so vivid yet so languid that I read through your story easily without having a need to stop. The mood is also everywhere. I keep getting feelings of nostalgia and slight regret, due to Lay’s emotions.