The Grandmaster
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/706970/the-grandmaster-fantasy-supernatural-exo-kai-luhan-sehun-kyungsoo

About: Sehun(EXO), Kai(EXO), Luhan(EXO), Kyungsoo(EXO), fantasy, supernatural

Katrina
Finished 7/26/2014
Note: I apologzie for the long wait. Thank you for not canceling.

Title: 5/5 It is a title that I’ve never seen before, so points for that. Since your story seems to be more of a supernatural theme than a romance one, it fits. It relates really directly, but since this isn’t a slice-of-life or anything, you don’t really need any symbols.

Foreword: 10/10 First off, I like how you only have a description that is also simple yet vague enough to leave the readers wondering, but not confused. I am just not sure if you should place a period at the end of each sentence there, because that’s grammatically correct. However, if you do put periods there, it would take away the magic of your foreword. It’s up to you. I don’t really have anything else to say about your foreword, because it’s good enough the way it is.

Plot: 16/20 Your story is unique but just not that developed. Instead of starting the story with a lot of foreshadowing, like a random girl talking about Furors and other things, explain what they are. I’m not saying that you have to give out all of your secrets, but give us something to start with instead of giving out names of things and not explaining them. Just give us a simple description of them and leave it like that until you want to reveal the secrets. Right now, I don’t know what a Furor is, so some of the chapters were confusing.

Specific Advice: Your strongest point is in this area. Your plot seems to have a lot of potential, since it seems very interesting. I can see how you have a different world that is also unique in its own sense. You just have to play out the world more. Give more information about the Grandmasters in the first few chapters, not later on.

Characters: 15/20 (Specific Advice) One of your weak points is that your characters, at times, don’t feel like real people. For example, in chapter one, when Sehun was describing Kai, he said “Kai was like this. Kai acted differently since three years ago. I knew he did this.” Don’t have Sehun reveal all of Kai’s personality like that because it makes Sehun feel fake. In reality, when you see your friend, you don’t think “Oh, she’s my best friend. She’s super sweet but has a big secret. I think she’s kind, etc.” You just say your greetings and then hang out with her; you don’t stop to think about her personality. Reveal everyone’s personalities slowly, part by part, to give the readers more of a mystery.

I understand that you have a lot of characters, and it’s hard to pay an equal amount of attention to each of them, but you should really describe more of their personality. Reveal their emotions through their actions. Don’t tell us how they feel. Show us. For example, don’t say “He’s really scared.” Say “He finds himself shivering in fear at (something).”

Besides that, your characters all feel really similar. They all have different powers, but their personalities feel pretty similar to each other’s’. They are all loud boys. There isn’t a lot of diversity. My advice in this area is to make a chart of their personalities and other little things that they all like and just remember to check that chart every so often to make sure you’re following it.

Grammar and Spelling: 16/20 In the first chapter, you use “mysterious” too much. At first, it did give a mysterious mood about the setting, but after I saw it three more times in the same paragraph, I didn’t feel it anymore. It just became redundant. Use synonyms to keep the mood going.

You also change tenses a few times, but since you show an understanding of tenses, I’m guessing those are just pesky typos. Although, sometimes I’m not sure because you would change tenses twice a sentence. My only advice is for you to look over your work once you’re done. Otherwise, your grammar and spelling seem to be pretty good.

Chapter one P(aragraph)1 “…path that lead to that mysterious someone.” should be ‘…path that led to the person.’

Chapter two P24 “Always the troublemaker…” should be “Always the troublemakers…”

Chapter three P6 “…by hairs length different…” should be ‘…by a hair’s length…’
2. P25 “…whom wasn’t used to using the subway.” should be ‘…who wasn’t used to using the subway.’

Flow: 10/15 Chapter one was too rushed and undeveloped. First, we have the mysterious stranger part which was fine. Then, we have Sehun meeting up with Kai and Sehun explaining Kai’s personality. All we know is that they are going to go somewhere together. We don’t know their background, how they met each other, how close they were EXACTLY, and then another guy shows up. These characters literally popped out of nowhere without any background information to cushion them. Stretch out that one chapter and establish the background of this story, and then introduce the academy.

After that, your flow just became too slow. Each chapter you write feels the same because they’re all only about the characters waking up after getting taken. If they are all the same, just skip them and go into the main action.

Another thing is that you don’t have a lot of background information. What about the boys’ family? Since waking up, they haven’t thought of their parents or siblings.

Enjoyment: 4/5 I like overall idea of the plot, but it didn’t develop well at first.

Structure: 4/5 (Specific Advice) I notice that you tend to describe your setting all at once. Don’t focus completely on setting. Only describe what you need to. For example, when Sehun woke up in chapter four, he described his entire room. The only things that were necessary were the bed and fireplace. Describing the whole room will just take more time, and it doesn’t give the mysterious feeling you get when you wake up in unknown places. I know that if I wake up in an unknown place, the first thing I would do is freak out and try to remember what happened before, not notice what the room I’m in looks like.

That’s not the only problem. Whenever you describe people, you tend to do it all at once when they come in. For example, “A petite woman with curves in all the right places which enhanced her contours made an entrance.” Why would you describe all of her right there? Just say a petite woman, and then have your characters describe more.  When you gave out her appearance at that spot, who were you giving it out to? Who was looking at her curves? The readers? This is a story that is written in another universe that the readers are only reading about. 

Otherwise, your chapters are neat and organized.

Overall: 80/100 Your story has a good outline, but you just don’t go into enough depth at first. Because there isn’t enough information, the plot then ends up not flowing on well. It is also too slow. Your characters don’t feel real sometimes, but you just put yourself in their shoes and think from their minds. What would you do if you were kidnapped