GetLayD
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
♡ Endless Love ♡
About: , exo, baekhyun, chanyeol, suho, baekyeol, chanbaek
Bleu
Finished on 4/4/2014
Title 2/5–I noticed that you frequently just changed your title from Forbidden Love to Endless Love. I personally feel like Forbidden Love is a lot more relevant than Endless Love. The reason behind that is mainly because you don't see much relevancy with endless, but with forbidden, it's allied with the fact that Baekhyun's father absolutely does not approve with Baekhyun and Chanyeol's relationship. But the thing is, both of these titles are super cliché, I mean, there are a bunch of titles with Endless Love and Forbidden Love. I really don't like these titles because they're just so common. There is barely any relevancy in the story as well. I suggest a title somewhat like,”The Rich and the Poor”, or something along those lines, especially because Baekhyun is rich, and Chanyeol is poor. But I personally don't like how I worded it, so I'm hoping you could do something to make it sound better.
Foreword 6/10–Did you recently change your foreword? Cause before, I remember seeing something different. I thought there was an extra section in your foreword before hand. I noticed that you've changed your story rather frequent, so I was just wondering. Okay I really feel like your foreword plus description gives too little information, I mean, there's like, you could say, two statements/quotes. There's nothing that interesting, or gives much information. I really wish you had something more. Maybe like, some foreshadowing of the story. By foreshadowing I mean like, you've seen those stories right? Where they have this paragraph in the prologue or foreword, and then you see the exact same quote, statement, or paragraph in the actual story. Don't you just get that, amusing feeling, seeing that statement again. Another thing is, your description's statement and quote make sense, but they just don't automatically click together like a puzzle piece. I personally really hate it when people use the foreword section to put their author notes and credits in it, I mean, whenever you try to edit, or even make your foreword, there is a SPECIFIC section just for author notes. Why don't you just use that? I noticed that you have a quote from Chanyeol, something that would make your foreword a lot better is that a quote for all three of your main characters, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Suho. Another thing is, in your characters, I noticed that there is an extra comma after Suho. Was that a mistype? Or were you intending on having another character there and you changed your mind but forgot to remove that comma. I don't think you quite understand the meaning of a foreword though, a foreword is something a reader reads to get a quick, but consistent description of the story. Although I enjoy the stuff you have currently, it's just so short. When readers see the front page, in your case foreword, they need to see something that speaks to them. Also, about Chanyeol's quote, did you make it up yourself? Or did you copied a quote from online? Cause I swear, I've heard that quote before, and it really feels like I've read this from somewhere else as well.
❁”It was definitely love at first sight when they first met. But are they still able to love when one is hiding a dark secret and when one's father is refusing their relationship?” should be,”When they first met, it was definitely love at first sight. Will they still able to keep their love strong though? After all, one is hiding a deep, dark secret, while the other one's father is refusing to accept their relationship.”
Plot 15/20–The one thing I noticed immediately once I started chapter one, I didn't even have to read the first sentence before I saw something I would definitely hate. What is with this major font differences? There are very small fonts which I can barely see without going super close to the screen and squinting. Then there are very big fonts that make my OCD act up. I really wish you kept with one font all around. I don't know if this is because of a formatting issue, maybe you copied the story from another typing software. The way you started your story,”It all started on a rainy day”, that sounds like a second-grader's work. I expect so much more from you, although I do not know you personally, I can just tell you have a much higher caliber than this. That introduction is a faux, this is not a second-grader's work, nor is it a second-grader's piece, so please don't start your story like a second-grader. The way you write your story is really boring, you're sentences are just so straight-forward. It's like,”I did this. He did this, etcetera”. I feel like you could do so much better than this, you don't always have to started a sentence with I. Nor do you have to add an action or verb with I. You can do so much more without I. I think your main weakness is that you prefer I way too much, I think you need to learn to slowly get away from that word. The way you wrote your second chapter was super choppy, there was nothing that really connected your paragraphs together, and it just felt like you were listing events. And another thing is, I'm not a huge fan of the whole Chanyeol/Baekhyun pre-story talk. It just gives away too much, and another thing is, I can't tell if you're talking about the past or the present anymore. Cause you used two tenses, and both tenses aren't super clear. Also, it's awkward how Chanyeol said,”Now I'll reveal my dark secret”, when technically, Baekhyun's father hasn't technically made an appearance yet in Chapter 1, so I'm like, why would you put that there if it hasn't happened yet?
Characters 14/20–The two characters fell in love way too fast, and the way Baekhyun acts, was he that inexperienced in love? I mean, usually, those coming from rich families, they would have had some experience in love, because after all, sometimes, the parents try to have them arranged in marriage or something. The way he acts though, it's just so unrealistic. I can't see his personality in real life anymore, it's almost as if the real Baekhyun is gone. Another thing is, you mentioned how Baekhyun's dad doesn't approve, and Chanyeol has a secret, well, that twist isn't deep at all. It's just so shallow it doesn't make any impact the readers one bit. Another thing is, Baekhyun and Chanyeol are almost one person to me, they don't have any differences such as personality difference, or just their actions really. There is also that Chanyeol's poverty isn't that expressed that much, when I read this story, his poverty really made an impact to me, but as I read the second chapter, it just disappeared. He doesn't seem poor to me anymore, he just seems to be an average man in Korea.
Grammar and Spelling 17/20–I noticed that sometimes, you make simple mistakes with “I”. The thing is, there are times when you don't bother to capitalize I when it's all alone, another thing is, you sometimes forget to put that apostrophe in I'm. I'm not sure you understand the rulings of I. You put an apostrophe between I'm, because it's a compound word, it combines the words, I and am. The reason we capitalize I is because well, we do. It's like an old rule in the English calligraphy. It might seem weird for non-natives because English is the only language that capitalizes I. The naïve answer for this question would be because, “I” just simply looks bad when it's left a lower case letter. Also, you need to know that in English, you learn that the number three is the magic number. Just like in Goldilocks, it's not too much, its not too little, it's just right. That's why whenever you have consecutive periods, you always use three. Not four, not two, but three. Your main weakness is your apostrophe use, I have never seen you once use an apostrophe for any compound words. How come? Did you not know about that rule? Or did you purposely not put it in there? Some compound words needing apostrophes would be,”I'm”, “Don't”.
❁”Sometimes falling in love isn't as easy how it sounds...
Sometimes it can be kind enough and just bite you in the ....
I know that for sure because it happened to me... to probably all of us who ever fell in love.
But really, what is love?
Well I'll be kind enough and tell you my story on how i fell in love.” should be,”
“Sometimes, falling in love isn't as easy as it sounds...
Sometimes, it can be kind enough and just bite you in the ...
I know that for sure, after all, it did happen to me...
To probably all of us who has ever fell in love...
But really, what is love?
Well I'll be the brave one and tell you my story on how I fell in love.”
❁”It all started on a rainy day and my dad was out on his way to work, thinking that it was late, he assumed that i would be asleep by now.. but no, it's barely 9 o'clock pm, who the hell sleeps at this hour?! Soon after he left, I made my prayers and thanked God for being kind enough to send him away... I got up from my bed and decided to watch television and came across this ad for tickets at an upcoming rap concert. I wanted to go because it looked intresting, so i went online and bought a ticket.” should be,”My crazy, emotional, roller coaster came into sight that one day. My dad was away from home, thinking that it was too late, he assumed that I would be asleep by now. But no, it's barely 9 o'clock PM, who the hell sleeps at this hour?! Soon after he left though, I made my prayers and thanked God for being kind enough to send him away for the day. Deciding to not be a lazy pants, I got up from bed and while I was watching the television, I came across this advertisement for tickets at an upcoming rap concert. It seemed rather interesting, so I took up the opportunity and bought a ticket online.
Flow 11/15–In the first chapter, the flow was really well done, it wasn't perfect or excellent, but it was still readable with the readers completely alongside the pace. But then, chapter two came, that chapter was super choppy. It didn't even feel like a chapter anymore, it was almost like a list. Or a draft really, cause it was just listening event and event over and over again. I didn't see anything that really connect your paragraphs together, not much transitions either. That's the main problem with your flow, but if you found a way to clearly fix your chapter two, then your flow would be perfect.
Enjoyment 2/5–I personally didn't enjoy this story that much, just the whole font differences really made my OCD act up, and the way your second chapter was so choppy it really made me just cringe. There's just no transitions, or connection with your paragraphs at all. Also, the way your characters sorta like, group together, just makes it really boring. There aren't much distinguish. Another thing is your title, it's just so overuse.
Structure 1/5–Like I mentioned before, what is with this major font differences? There is absolutely no consistency what so ever, and it just makes everything confusing. Sometimes authors does this, but they have a specific algorithm, but in your case, I don't see a singular algorithm. I hope that this was just a formatting issue made by Asian Fanfictions, and not on purpose. If it was on purpose, I really want to know what happened. Another thing is I really don't like the style of having your words being italicized, although it's good when you're having like a flash back or something different, but if it's for your whole story than that's a different issue. Also, have you ever heard of paragraph spacings?
Overall 68/100–Personally, I wasn't a huge fan of this story. Mainly because there was just so many things that really made me cringe. First thing is, the font differences, there were just so inconsistent that it was hard to read. Another thing I want to say is that you don't really understand why I should be capitalized and why there should be apostrophes in compound wards. Another thing is your flow is really choppy, the second chapter was just so well, it had no transitions and there was nothing that really combined the paragraphs together.
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