Swimming In Poison

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/711355/swimming-in-poison-angst-oneshot-romance-sad-exo-sehun

About: Sehun(EXO)+OC, originalcharacter, exo, angst, oneshot, drabble, romance, sad

Bleu
Finished on 6/30/2014

Chapters Read 1/1

Author Note–Hello, this is Bleu also known as iShiroKins, the reason I'm writing an author's note is because I've realized that you must be quite upset of how late this review is. Please be assured that we did not forget you, or was it because we were lazy and didn't want to work on your review. We have exactly all of the requests in order. Although this isn't a proper or acceptable excuse for having a late request, the reasons why we've been so backed up is because of the following...Okay, so in April-May a lot of members went on vacation and so on, and then, when they came back, it was not long for them to have their finals. This really gave us the worse situation ever, I'm sure you guys, as fellow authors, know how hard it is to balance Asianfanfiction and school finals. I do not think this will be a good enough excuse or apology for you to look away from this mess-up, but please know that we had no means of showing disrespect or ignorance to this review.

Title 4/5–Your title is rather weird and irrelevant. I completely understand the whole “poison”, but, how do you get the “swimming” part? I mean, there really wasn't anything that could have brought me to swimming. But if I really kept thinking, I completely understand since both Gahyoung and Sehun are both living with love's poison. But, I feel like the “swimming” in your title really wasn't brought up enough in your story.

The title was relevant though, which I really enjoyed. I'm super glad that you at least picked a verb that was actually comprehend-able unlike let's for say,”Gliding In Poison”, now that wouldn't make sense right? That's why I'm glad that you actually thought a little bit for your title, although I somehow feel like your title is a little bit cliché with a rather common format which is,”[Verb] in [Subject/Noun]”.

Overall, I feel like your title is close to reaching it's breaking point. It's just so close to reaching it's full potential and all it needs is that little push to success. I feel like, if you mention the “swimming” part in your story a little more, you would have fully used the most out of the title. For example, if I were you, I would have Sehun have a memory of how he and Gahyoung always went swimming together, or they met while swimming, or they were both in the swim team. Something that involves swimming, and the reader will be able to compare it to your title and be like,”Ooh, this title is a genius work of literature.”

Foreword 5/10–I was really disappointed with what I had saw on this page. It's like a page full of nothing. There really is nothing on this page, and I feel like, it makes me feel like this story isn't going to be as good as I would want it to be. Although I do love your description, I felt like, there should be more on this page. Where is your foreword? That is the main problem. You don't have a foreword, and it absolutely astonishing to me that you didn't even bother to even write a single author note in your foreword. I preach a lot how people tend to underestimate when they're writing a foreword, but you on the other hand, have clearly took it to a lower level.

Okay, so, about your description now, the formatting you chose (font size, type, color) completely does no good to your story what so ever. Not only is it not attractive, it completely distracts your readers from the whole story layout. I feel like, you should minimize the size, not italicize it, and make it a light shade of grey. Don't make your description format too blinding, may it subtle enough for the readers to not be obscured from the true meaning of your description–to attract your readers into it.

I think it's time for me to refresh your mindset and brain. A description's job is not to inform any information, but to attract the readers. Attracting the readers is different than informing the readers, the description must have this glamorous, elegant, attribute to it. It just has this physical/mental factor that just attracts the readers to the story. By the words, formatting, and anything in it, it makes the readers want to keep reading onward to the foreword. Haven't you always wondered by the description was before the foreword? Well this is the reason why, the description may not look much at first sight, but it's the backbone of this page. Without a proper description, there is nothing that's making the readers want to keep reading onward.

Now let's talk about your foreword now. A foreword's job is to inform the readers about your story. The information that it is informing to your readers shouldn't be too much, or too little, but just subtle enough for the readers to have some prior knowledge and want to know more and will read onward to the actual story. A foreword shouldn't be too straightforward, it should have at least some mystery. Remember, do not underestimate your readers, they are able to figure out what your story about even with a little bit of mystery. Don't be too straightforward, but be sure to give them clues every now and then.

I know it may be tough to write a foreword, but, there are times when a foreword can just be a sentence and it can mean so much more to your story than just having it blank. Some suggestions for a foreword would be like, excerpts, monologues, or a quote/poem.

An excerpt is like a section from your story that you, the author, feel will do a great job for informing your readers and give them a mysterious feel to the story. Excerpts are personally one of my most favorite ways to write a foreword, but an excerpt will be hard to write on the spot cause you'll either have to make it up on the spot and REMEMBER to put it in your story somehow. Or, you wait till you finish writing your story and THEN to put in an excerpt into your foreword. So basically, an excerpt depends on your level of patience, balancing, and your ability to figure out what's best to be an excerpt.

Some tips for looking for a great excerpt from your story would be, sometimes, an excerpt can be closer to you than you can think. A lot of time, excerpts are from the introductory of your story, maybe your first chapter, or even maybe like the first event you have. It doesn't always have to be a conclusion or a . But also, remember that it doesn't ALWAYS have to be the very very first chapter. A first chapter doesn't technically indicate the true beginning of your story, it could just be the one thing that's building to your introduction. Your excerpt doesn't have to be like a copy and paste from your story, sometimes, all it needs can just be one, important word. Remember that you don't have to be a robot, you can change it however you wish. Like I was mentioning before, it can even be something that isn't anywhere close to the wording you but, but, it's relevant to what you're talking about. Make sure that your excerpt means something, something important. It has to bring that one clinching meaning to your readers, so be careful for what you pick.

A monologue now, in literature and drama, an extended speech by one person. The term has several closely related meanings. A dramatic monologue is any speech of some duration addressed by a character to a second character, or even the reader. Some tips for writing a monologue would be to write in the voice of the character, don't use phrases that the character wouldn't use. You have to feel like you, yourself, the author, is the character itself. Don't use something that the readers will find odd or not like the character's personality. Write with a purpose, make sure what he's saying makes a meaning to the readers, something that really affects how they view the story. Make sure you're not writing in past or future tense, but in present tense. A monologue, just think of it as the character is CURRENTLY talking to the readers, it's audience, but that doesn't affect what the character is talking about, meaning, the character can talk about something from the past or present or future. Make sure your monologue isn't too much, focus on a particular event or moment that marks a turning point for your character, not your character's life story.

Now a poem and quote doesn't really need me to explain it, but make sure that it is relevant to the story. Make sure that it's not something super odd. It can be a quote/poem from you yourself, or a famous person. For me, I absolutely love having the quote,”Two roads diverged in the woods, and I-I took the one less traveled by, and that has made the different,”(Robert Frost), in my stories cause it really makes a difference.

Overall, from my perspective, I feel like this page is missing a lot of aspects needed to create a page that will attract many readers to your story. I feel like I've criticized you enough about you not having a foreword, but please, you must understand that without a foreword, this page is like a one trick pony. Only good in one thing, but unbalanced overall. I just want you to understand you NEED a foreword. Besides from this, I really think you need an aspect of beauty. I know you're told to never judge a book by it's cover–but–people sometimes just do without even knowing about it. An aspect of beauty is dire to an essential foreword plus description to attract the reader.

Corrections

Mistake–“Because I'm madly in love in love with you; My blood is intoxicated with your love, blinding my whole world. I could no longer see the grace of the sun, for a living goddess is shining more gracefully in my eyes. I could no longer smell the fragnance of flowers, for your scent had invaded my nose day and night. I could no longer hear the laughters of people, for only your laughter is my joy. I could no longer taste the rich sweet creamy cupcake we enjoyed before, for I had tasted the sweetest thing God had ever created, your lips, and it belongs to me. You poisoned me, Gahyoung. You always do.” — Sehun, Swimming In Poison” (Located in description)

Correction–“I'm madly in love with you—My blood is intoxicated with your love, blinding everything besides you. I no longer needed to witness the gracefulness of the sun, for a living goddess is already shining more graceful in front of me. The fragrance of flowers soon became subtle to me, for your scent invades my nose day and night. The laughters of people only seemed bothersome–as your laughter because all I needed to satisfy my needs. I could no longer taste the rich; sweet, creamy cupcake we had enjoyed before, for I had already tasted the sweetest thing humankind could have–your lips. Your lips, solely belongs to me. You've poisoned me, Gahyoung. Like you always do,” —Sehun, Swimming In Poison”

Plot 12/20–I really feel like your plot was missing something important. Like, there were just something missing and it made me feel half-hearted for your story. I don't know the exact word but let's just use the following to explain your story; straightforward, dull, one-pace, one-perspective, one-tone, boring. It just felt like, it was only from one perspective, and it had absolutely no emotions. I've read many stories like yours, and it's a shame how something like this really didn't make me like your story. I mean, you have an amazing plot. It's just that there was really no emotions, and I felt, just really bored out reading your story. It really amazes me cause I only get bored with stories that drag out, but yours didn't drag out, it was just really dull and had lack of emotions.

When I was reading this, I really felt like, although you wrote with adjectives and described a lot, it really didn't change the atmosphere. And another thing is, your metaphors, there are way too many, and it just feels redundant when you just keep repeating these metaphors. I'm not a huge fan of your metaphors since they seem really out of placed–almost as if they don't even belong in your story in the first place. I don't know if this is just me, but there really was a lack of emotions and development.

Now, let's talk about your plot development, I felt like, you had this story all organized, but I feel like you failed to execute it the way you would have wanted it to. There really was a lot of good organization, but the events weren't that great. They seemed almost like, overpowered by your descriptions, there really wasn't much balance. I feel like, the main thing you need in your story is balance. There are good descriptions, and I can see the potential you have, but you just need to fully bring out your potential. I suggest doing beta-reads and drafting a lot, read your stories over and over again, and change anything that you feel you could make better.

Overall, I feel like your plot overall lacks balancing. You have great organization and details/description, but it lacks the impact and emotions to balance it all. I mean, a story with ONLY organization and description can be quite boring if you don't have the suspense in your story. Ways to bring suspense would be, emotions, dialogue, drama, twists, cliffhangers, but I dare find any in your story currently. The only thing that you would need to do to add balance to your story would be to give some more suspense. You really need to bring your story alive, especially with emotions. Emotions are important.

Characters 13/20–I feel like you tried really, really, really, hard to bring your characters alive, but I feel like you failed to achieve that goal though. There really isn't anything unique about your characters personality or development. It was listening to a brick talk over and over again. I feel like you need a lot more background information, and something will bring your characters alive. Your descriptions and metaphors/simile completely overpower your characters which is really bad. Your characters feel really lack luster since there really isn't much about them. Sehun and Gahyoung are supposed to be the major/main protagonists, but they seemed rather minor to me.

Your characters need to have a lot more emotions and development for me to actually enjoy and feel like your story is actually balanced. I noticed that your story seems to lack enough information provided so I think you should add some background information to Sehun and Gahyoung. Not only will it help balance your story out, it will also give your readers a more impact at the end of the story.

Overall, I feel like your characters really lack emotions and they don't seem that important. I hope you don't think that characters aren't important right? And that they're just the accessories to the story. Well, if you do think so, then you're absolutely wrong. Characters are one of the main parts of your story, while the description and details are the accessories to them.

Grammar and Spelling 15/20–Something I noticed right away with your story and in your foreword too is that you sometimes repeat a phrase consecutively, which is really odd for me. I was really wondering what you were thinking when you were writing this. For examples, in your description you wrote,”Because I'm madly in love in love with you”, that really made me confused. Cause, why would you use “in love” twice? Another time would be in chapter one where you wrote,”with all the grace of a sack with all the grace of a wet concrete”, this makes absolutely no sense, so I was really confused about this too. I really want to know what you were thinking when you made these mistakes, did you forget a conjunction? Or did you do it on accident?

Another thing I would like to say is that you tend to have some spelling issues, I think this can be easily fixed with proofreading your story and using grammar check every time you finish something new. Spelling can make a major difference to how the readers think about your story, cause, if you don't even bother to notice or change your mistakes, then they'll expect less from you and your story.

Something I noticed as I finished your story, was that you overused a lot of pronouns. Especially “she” and “he”, they were used so many times, and this adds to unbalances to your story. Okay so overall, you wrote Sehun 4 times, while you used “he” around 90 times. You used Gahyoung 7 times, and you used her around 50 times. Now, do you see the unbalances? I know you can do so much better than this, so please, please, don't overuse pronouns.

Whenever you're writing dialogue and you have dialogue tags in it, make sure you have a comma before the dialogue tags and not a period. This is a major mistake I notice a lot of people doing, and it's rather annoying when it's so simple to fix and understand but so little people understand it though. The format would be something around,”[Dialogue],” [Dialogue Tag] [Action].” You can adjust how ever you please but just always make sure you're not using a period before the dialogue tag.

Flow 9/15–It went by a little too fast for me, although I completely understood what you said and the ending whatsoever, I just felt like, because it was short-timed I felt like there wasn't much effect onto me. I would have wished it greatly if you added more background information and what not. And about your flow, it's rather boring and dull, imagine your plot line, it's pretty much a straight line since you had no, , rising action, inciting action, resolution, falling action, exposition, what so ever. This is why I feel like you really flawed in this story. Although you did a great job at organizing and describing, you really didn't put much emotion into this. Your story overall is super unbalanced in everything, let it be the plot, let it be the characters, let it be the grammar.

Enjoyment 2/5–Overall, I had mixed feelings about your story, Swimming In Poison. From what I've read, I know you have great potential to writing something really amazing, but, you haven't been able to fully use your potential yet. You really need to understand how to balance a story. You can't have a story that's just full of description/details and some metaphors/similes. You need emotion, and a lot of it in your case. You excel in the things most authors are bad at, but you're not that good at the things that most authors are good at. Kinda strange right? I really want you to focus more on your developments and emotions, make sure to keep what you have now, but you have to keep adding. A story is never finished, even if there's a due date or dead line, a story is never finished. That's because a story can be re-arranged and changed to become better. Never give up on a story, and remember. A story can never be finished, a polished work can also be a draft.

Structure 5/5–Your structure is perfect the way it is, I have absolutely on complaints whatsoever. After all I've said, one of your good points is that you know how to be neat and organized. And that really shows from what I've read so far.

Overall 65/100–All in all, I feel like your story (including grammar, flow, plot, characters) is really unbalanced. You do really well at one thing, but then you don't do well at other things, I really can't get an accurate caliber on you. Another thing I want to say is that you really lack emotions in this story, it was like reading a brick talking, dull and boring. I feel like you have so much potential but you just need that small push to reach the top. Also, remember that a story is never finished, you can always add, change, or re-arrange a story so never give up just because it's not “good”. What is “good” anyway?