Her Last Wish

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/690320/her-last-wish-angst-oneshot-romance-sad-you-exo-lay

About: Lay(Exo)+OC, angst, romance, oneshot, sad

Bleu
FInished 5/17/2014

As I was reading the foreword, I had noticed that there was a sequel to this story; I wasn't sure if I should have included it with my review, so, I decided not to include it in the end. Also, I'm deeply sorry for this review to be more than a month's wait late. Please excuse my impolite attitude.

Title 5/5–I really enjoy your title, although it is rather cliché, since after all, I've seen a bunch of stories with the same title. It is really creative, and unique, and ESPECIALLY it's relevant to the story! It's really relevant since this is one of the main symbolism throughout the whole story. First, Aera's last wish to Yixing was to be able to see again, which Yixing selflessly granted. And then, Yixing's last wish was for Aera to live happily ever after and to never cry again. This is something I really enjoyed. I really love how much your title made me feel at the end and I personally, was just overjoyed by how much emotions I felt at the end of your story. Good job.

Foreword 8/10–I'm not a huge fan of having you have the Korean calligraphy underneath “Her Last Wish”, the reason why is, it could be false for all we know. I can never trust any of the titles with Korean calligraphy because who knows, you could have just used Google translate and it could be wrong for all we know. I think, you should leave out any Korean calligraphy, unless you're ABSOLUTELY sure that it's correct, meaning that you have to be either fluent in Korean, or know a friend that is, or is generically Korean ethnicity.

Beneath the title, and the Korean calligraphy title, you have “DO YOU MISS HIM?”, and “EVERYDAY.”, I feel like that should be more noticeable than it is currently. These two dialogue phrases might not seem that important to you, but it actually is. The main reason why, is because it helps the readers see the attraction in your story, which is really great. After all, who wants a boring foreword? Anyway, I think it should be a font size bigger, or a different place? Who knows it's up to you.

I can't say how amazed I am by your perfect knowledge of formatting your foreword: You should always remember that a description is supposed to be the puzzle piece that grabs the readers attention at first sight. Meaning, you shouldn't have any information in your description that is prior to the story, but instead, have a piece of literature that is relevant to the story, but also, it has to be attractive. Meaning, make it pop to the readers, and make sure it doesn't take away all the limelight from foreword it self. Your foreword on the other hand, is where your limelight is supposed to be centered at. The main reason is because the foreword is about the information; which is what all the readers are looking for.

“She went to the center of the room slowly as she reached out her arms, palpating what was in front of her. Aera had to count her steps that she had memorized before, or else she would end up to the music room just next door.” I don't really understand this sentence, although I understand that you're trying to say that Aera is trying to go to one room, and if she counts the wrong steps, she'll accidentally end up in the music room. But, the way you wrote it though just didn't make me understand. I suggest giving more description or foreshadowing that this is what Aera is trying to do.

Also, on the fourth paragraph, you seem to have an extra miscellaneous space right before “She winched the moment her feet hit something hard.”

Description

❁”People called it a disability, and she believed it.” should be,”People called it a disability, and she believed them.”

❁”He had been watching her, admiring her smile and passion for dance.” should be,”He had been watching her, admiring her smile as it reflected her passion for dance.”

❁”Blindness was the thing holding her back.” should be,”Blindness was the only thing holding her latent talent back.”

❁”Some said she was useless, but he said she was precious.” should be,”Some said she was useless; but he said she was precious.”

❁”Some said she was a nuisance, but he said she was his angel.” should be,”Some said she was a nuisance; but he said she was his angel.”

❁”Even if death counts as one of them.” should be,”Even if death was one of them.”

Foreword

❁”Her hands traveled up, left, and right to turn on the light switch. She went to the center of the room slowly as she reached out her arms, palpating what was in front of her. Aera had to counter her steps that she had memorized before, or else she would end up to the music room just next door.” should be,”Her hands traveled up, left, and right to turn on the light switch. She went to the center of the room slowly as she reached out her arms, palpating to what was in front of her.”

❁”She winched the moment her feet hit something hard. She bend down and her hands palpated the ground, searching for the hard thing that made her stumble.” should be,”She winced the moment her feet had hit something hard. She bent down and her hands palpated the ground, searching for the hard thing that had made her stumble.”

Plot 19/20–I really like how you started your story with Aera in the future and not in where the story shall take place. At first I was like, wait, what's going on? Since after all, your foreword had made me think otherwise. Then, I noticed what you were trying to do, I was really impressed and I was instantly caught onto your story. You did a really good job, and the best thing you did was, it was so clear. It was really smooth and easy to read making me not confused one bit.

Your plot is amazing, it has especially a great transition and flow. I really enjoyed this because, just by one chapter, I was able to feel so many emotions at once. I have never read a story like this, and although there were mary-sue parts, I felt like, I was able to overcome them and felt something better. Your story amazing, and I would definitely recommend this story.

Characters 17/20–Something I would like to say is that the name “Aera” is rather unbelievable. Although I have absolutely no against at this, and I will not mark any points off because of this since it shows your signs of creativity. Some people might think that you're exaggerating and that this story doesn't resemble anything Korean-related. Since after all, Aera isn't a Korean name and it can't be, cause in the Korean language calligraphy, they don't have any characters that could make Aera.

Sometimes, when you have Aera stuttering, it is a little bit too much. For example,”I-I'm sorry. I-I f-f-orgot my s-steps, and stumbled.” That is way too much stuttering in my opinion, it's too exaggerated. Cause, the more stuttering you put, the more feeling like it's fake and it's something made up. To me, I find it really hard to imagine since it just makes me cringe at the thought of it.

Sometimes I feel like Yixing was a little bit too mary-sue, I mean, he's a perfect guy, no flaws, just absolute perfectionist. I mean, he's so kind, and he would do anything for Aera. There was nothing that made me think that Yixing was like an actual human in our current society. He's like the exaggerated story of Prince Charming. He's perfect, kind, selfless, good-looking, buff, anything that would attract a girl.

Grammar and Spelling 16/20–How come in the first sentence of your story, the first set of quotation marks was a lot bigger plus bold than the last set? Was this supposed to be on purpose? Or was it one of those formatting errors?

Also, remember to fix the same mistakes I pointed out in your foreword, since I noticed that there was a section I had fixed, and it was in your story as well. So, I refuse to re-write it down here because then it'll just be repetitive. So, just remember to correct them.

I noticed that you have a habit of putting spaces right before a set of quotation marks. Okay, so whenever you are in a situation where you have a comma and then dialogue. Then after that, you don't need a space between the comma and the first set of quotation marks.

Another thing I would like to say is that when you're in a situation where you write something along the lines of,”Don't talk to me! You're bothering me, get away from me! Hurry!,” Minato said to her brother,” you shouldn't have the dialogue end with a period, cause the sentence isn't over, it's continuing on. That's why you should have a comma instead of a period.

Chapter One

❁P(aragraph) 2–”Her hair was in a messy bun, and her bangs were wet due to her sweats.” should be,”Her hair was in it's usual messy bun, and her bangs were wet due to her sweating.”

❁P(aragraph) 3–”...and people who doesn't recognize the name Shin Aera lived in the nineties, or they don't have a TV.” should be,”...and people who didn't recognize the name Shin Aera lived in the nineties, or they don't have a TV.”

❁P(aragraph) 5–”They have to pass through three rounds to be selected by the all mighty Aera.” should be,”They had to pass through three rounds to be selected by the all mighty Aera.”

❁P(aragraph) 39–“Which meant hsis face was only inches away from hers. Yixing leaned forward to take a good look at her face.” should be,”Which meant his face was only inches away from hers. Yixing leaned forward to take a good look at her face.”

❁P(aragraph) 89–“Yixing clenched his fists as she shouted, “What the hell are you doing Aera?!” should be,”Yixing clenched his fists as he shouted,“What the hell are you doing Aera?!”

❁P(aragraph) 116–“You can't see it, no one can't; not without an x-ray. But I want you to feel it's heartbeat.” Yixing held her hand to his chest.” should be,”You can't see it, no one can; not without an x-ray. But I want you to feel my heartbeat,” Yixing held her hand to his chest.”

Enjoyment 5/5–I absolutely enjoyed this story, it made me feel so many different emotions and I literally almost cried cause of it. I would definitely recommend this story, and I want to do something more for you but I just can't think what. This is a lot better than the last story I read for you, but you still have some issues with being “mary-sue”, I think that, you still have a lot of latent potential left. But the story you have right now, is just perfect. You planned it so well, and it's so smooth. I would definitely vote this to be number one featured.

Structure 4/5–I highly don't like having a selected play list for any story, let it be a fanfiction or an actual professional story. The reason why is because, play lists can be really inaccurate, cause usually, the songs in a play list, is suppose to resemble the atmosphere or aura of the scene the reader is reading. But the problem is, people read at different times, no one is equal, so that is why you shouldn't have play lists. For example, let's say in the story, you're in a scene full of fighting, or you're in a scene that someone has just died. And while you're reading this suspense, melodramatic scene, your play list is on a song that is all happy and cheerful. It completely ruins the mood your story is setting.

Specific Advice Wanted:

Author commented–I want to know if my characters and my story are too cliche, and also my grammars, I'm not good at grammars what so ever hahaha, so i really need help. and about the plot? for me its cliche as well :(

Reviewer comment–I have a lot of mixed emotions with your characters, for example, Aera, to me, I felt like she had her own story to tell of her life. I really liked her, although her stuttering really made me cringe. On the other hand though, I really felt like Yixing (Lay) was really mary-sue. He was just way too perfect, he has absolutely no flaws. I mean, he's the guy every girl would dream for(more information in character section). Your story is not cliché whatsoever, your story is the one thing that really made me feel the emotions I feel currently as I'm writing. Your story really helped cover up the mary-sue flaws with Yixing. As for your grammar, you just have some mistakes with spacings every now and then. Another thing I would like to say is that none of your story is cliché at all, except for some mary-sue factors. The difference of mary-sue and cliché is that, cliché is something that is really common and almost everyone who reads a cliché story will be able to predict what's going to happen next. As for a story being mary-sue, it's something that is just so exaggerated, and so different and unimaginable that it's hard to believe. For example, the whole EXO group members loves a girl and all the EXO group members are friendly, hot, and down-to-earth.

Overall 74/85=87/100–Your plot is just amazing, it's so creative, and it has so much emotions that I can't help but recommend your story. Another thing I would like to say is that your story is really smooth and it has really great transitions that I am not confused at all and I really understood the story perfectly. Your characters are a little bit mary-sue, but it's alright since your plot makes up for it. Your grammar on the other hand is rather shaky, mistakes here and there.