The Fallen
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/557190/the-fallen-hiatus-angst-romance-shinee-violence--exo-luhan

About: Luhan(Exo)+Sehun(Exo), Baekhyun(Exo)+Kris(Exo), Jonghyun(SHINee)+Onew(SHINee), romance, , violence, angst, supernatural

Roseline
Finished 7/2/14
Note: I apologize for the extremely late review! It's due to personal problems back in April-May that started the whole thing and finals that added to it. Thank you for waiting patiently and not canceling!

Title: 3/5 I don't understand why you would pick this title. The Fallen are another group in the story, so why not use "the Vampires" or whatever as your title? Why pick their names? This title is also not eye-catching at all since it's been used so many times. It's like you made it just for the sake of having a title because it relates directly to your story, which takes away the fun of figuring out the meaning of the title as the story goes by.

Foreword: 7/10 First off, your description is fine since it has a lot of good vocabulary words that draw in readers and a detailed description of the world in your story. This is optional, and I'm not taking any points off, since this is a personal preference. You should minimize the spacing a little, tiny bit because it would make your description look nicer. Then again, it depends on the person.

The problem is your foreword. You keep changing tenses, but you focus mainly on past tense. A description should always be in present tense since it tells about events in the story that the readers haven't gotten to yet, so if you're writing in past tense, it's basically telling the readers "This already happened before the current timeline, and the world you're reading about is different." You also have a few sentences that aren't run-ons but would look better without the commas, so I changed a few of them. I also added/changed/deleted a few words that I thought sounded off or better another way. Tell me if you can't see which is your correction and which is my advice, and I'll clean it up for you.

Correction: "The world has changed, or maybe it hasn't. It had always been the same; chaos, murder, and death. <I think the semi-colon looks really great here since it brings a lot of attention to the sentence, and you don't originally have commas in that sentence anyway. The sentence "People's blood..." didn't sound very nice among these great sentences around it, and "People's blood" sounded really awkward. Along with that, "spilled everywhere" weren't good vocabulary words because you can obviously do better, judging from your other sentences. In a quest for power, people use force to strike down their opponents. Since "quest" is a noun, not a name, it should follow "the" or "a." You won't even know who to trust. Family, friends, all of them were just labels; labels that don't speak of anything. <I think "anything" would be a better fit than everything. The semi-colon there is for the same reason as above. Good and Evil; you wouldn't even be able to differentiate the two. In the community, officials are mere puppets of those who have the money; of those who have the power. Since "mere" and "just" are pretty similar in definition, you should only use one. Sorcerers, vampires, direwolves; you'll die in either of their hands or if you're one of them, you'll be hunted brutally by assassins, who are trained specifically to eliminate these creatures. I feel like repeating "hunt" at the end was too redundant. I think you should leave out the last sentence because it just stands out poorly in this paragraph. If you're going to pay special attention to the assassins, then you should write a sentence about the creatures as well.

The excerpt from the story was pretty nice and short, enough to catch my attention, so that's fine. There aren't any grammar or spelling mistakes either. I just don't like how it's only about Luhan while you have so many other characters. Along with that, Luhan's not even in the earliest chapters which is odd, considering that you made him seem like the main character. Normally, I would say your excerpt is fine, but you have a lot of characters. If you have this much, you should have something to tell us what the major conflict in this story is. From what I read in your chapter one, it seems like everyone will have to team up to fight this major force? Say something about them teaming up in the foreword, so we can tell what we should look out for.

Plot: 17/20 In chapter one, second paragraph, when you were explaining the phenomena, you should tell the readers why once the sun disappeared, the animals died off. I know it's obvious (sunlight equals no energy for the plants and therefore no food to herbivores, then the predator, etc) but for those who don't know this, it would be confusing. It would also make your story look a lot more thought-out than it already is. Second, why did people eat raw flesh? Can't they just use the stoves? Or are the stoves gone in the future? Then, in that case, can't they just start a fire and cook the meat, like the cavemen did? Unless they were afraid of creating more pollution in the air by starting a fire since the plants are gone, and there's a lack of oxygen. Or is it because there's no more plants, or trees in this case, so they couldn't start fires without wood? Well, even if there aren't any trees left, fire can still be made without wood. You have to tell us things like this and be thorough instead of leaving it all vague like that and having us figure it out.

Another thing you have to tell us is how you rank your criminals in your world. What's A-class? What's below that. If you're making a new world, you must explain everything to the readers, as troublesome as it is. We need that information.

So far, you have a lot of side-plots to add to your major plot, so that's good. Your plot is not cliché, but the development so far can't be measured as much as I like because you only have two real chapters, but they're both focused on Baekhyun. I think you should've introduced all of the characters first and then show us Baekhyun's past because that gives us more of a mystery. Second, your foreword is about Luhan, so why is the first chapter in the present time about Baekhyun? I thought the main character was Luhan? If the first chapter is going to be about Baekhyun, then your foreword should've been Baekhyun. At this point, I can't tell what your plot is since you didn't give any information in the foreword. All you told us is that Luhan had to leave his parents, but what does that have to do with Baekhyun? Since you are only three chapters in, I can't tell what your major conflict is, besides that everyone will be teaming up against a common foe.

Giving the character list didn't really help your story because reading the list gave me information that Sehun is a soldier, so the outcome of chapter three was already revealed. When Baekhyun met Sehun, I already knew that Sehun was going to attack him. I wasn't surprised, but you should surprise your readers. That's why your list shouldn't be there. It's a personal preference, so I won't take points off.

Characters: 18/20 In chapter two, you wrote "The stranger in the name of Marco" which is basically you telling us his name, not Baekhyun telling us. Baekhyun should be the one to talk to Marco and find out his name, so it should've been "Baekhyun found out his name was Marco" because that's what is part of the story. You are the writer, not a character in the story.

Otherwise, your characters, or Baekhyun, so far seem to be well-described. Just remember to focus mainly on your most important character but spend the same amounts of time with the other ones.

Grammar and Spelling: 15/20 When you write sentences such as "the sun was blocked leaving humans with no light" you should always put a comma between "blocked" and "leaving" because it makes the sentence so much easier to read, and it would be grammatically correct. Overall, you almost never use commas which makes understanding your story very hard because I can't tell if it's an actual grammar mistake or just a missing comma at some points.

Besides the lack of commas, you have a small problem of run-on sentences. If you have two full sentences right next to each other, use a period. Don't try to squish them together with a comma.

Chapter one P(aragraph) 1 "...to eradicate evil, not even a single opportunity to fully exterminate them is attained." should be '...to eradicate evil, not even a single opportunity to fully exterminate it is attained.'
2. P3 "...very territorial, war freak and merciless." should be '...very territorial, merciless and war freaks.'
3. P3 "...you would probably unable to get out..." should be '...you would probably be unable to get out...'
4. P4 "...and clenched their thirst with the blood..." should be '...and quenched their thirst with the blood...'
5. P4 "...you needed to cut their heads to defeat a vampire." should be '...you needed to cut off their heads to defeat them.'

Luhan should be "His goal is to seek vengeance for his parents' deaths in the hands of the Fallen. He is a son of a royal family of vampires. He is strong, fast and skilled in killing humans, yet he is never able to face a single member of the Fallen (elaborate on this. Is he too weak to fight the Fallens, or has he never met one before?). Behind his submissive look lies a heart full of hatred, and not even a single trace of mercy is found. (what do you mean by "submissive"? Is he emotionless? Then, that would be "impassive". Submissive doesn't really work here, unless you mean that he looks weak, because if so, then just say that he looks "weak")

Kris: "He is strong enough to easily annihilate loner assassin." should be 'He is strong enough to easily annihilate a single assassin without even blinking." I'm not sure about this sentence because "annihilate" usually refers to a very strong foe or a whole team, but a single assassin won't be that strong against a vampire.

Baekhyun: "...than in women plus the bonus of the blood taste and extraodinary pleasure he gets to experience in bed with another men." should be '...than in women. Plus, he loves the blood taste and extraodinary pleasure he gets to experience in bed with another man.'

I can't correct all of your characters because then you will learn nothing. There are a lot more mistakes, and I don't know if you don't understand some grammar rules or if you just don't look over your work.

Flow: 14/15 First of all, I am confused on chapter three. At the top, you wrote "some weeks later." Is that some weeks later from when Baekhyun killed his stepfather? Or is it from the present time, after he kills Marco? Second, chapter three is too rushed. First you only introduce Baekhyun, but we already know that you have a lot of characters, so they should all get their own spotlight first before you have them interact with each other. Unless chapter was a flashback. Then it's fine. Since you only have three chapters, that's all I can say about the flow.

Specific Advice: Like I said above, in order for you to accommodate all the characters and their side-stories, you should first give each one their own spotlight before having them get together. All of them shouldn't even get together until much later into the story because at this point, you didn't give us an actual plot yet. Just remember to give them events where they could bump into each other. Make the events natural, like something the characters would actually do, not what you want them to do.

Enjoyment: 3/5 The lack of commas really made your story hard to understand sometimes. Try to look over your work once you're done.

Structure: 4/5 In a story, all numbers below 10 should be written out in word form, so "8" would be "eight."

The top of chapter one really confused me for a second because first, it says "1000 years from now..." then a paragraph in present tense. Then we get to another paragraph in past tense that says "year 3013." It really confused me because one is in present tense, but it is below "1000 years from now" so it's in the future. Then the other one is also 1000 years from now, but it's in past tense. I think you meant that the first paragraph is not part of any timeline, but it's to introduce your story. If that's so, then the first paragraph (The world is always in turmoil...) should come before "1000 years from now".

I don't know what to say about your character list in the middle of chapter one. I have seen stories with a character list in chapter one, but yours came in at the end. I guess since you had to explain the background first, this had to come in later. Since this is fanfiction after all and not a real BOOK, I'll let it slide and not take points off, but if you are writing a book (or if you're planning to) this is a big no-no.

In a story, never underline a word to make it stand out. Either bold it or italic it. In chapter two, you wrote "step-father" underlined.

Overall: 81/100 Your plot is okay, your characters are nice, and your flow can be altered. You just have to explain some things in your plot and establish who the main character is. You can't just put in a random character in the foreword if he isn't even going to be in the first two chapters. This leaves the readers wondering "Who is he? What does he do to the story?" because it doesn't seem like he's part of Baekhyun's lore. You also need to add commas. Without commas, your story is really hard to understand.