Star pilots
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/675828/star-pilots-exo-tao-sehun-suho-taohun-seho-sutao

About: Suho(Exo)+Sehun(Exo), Tao(Exo), romance, , science fiction, pilots

Roseline
Finished 4/8/14

Note: Sorry for the extremely late review! It's because of problems with my virus-protection program, and I am very paranoid when it comes to my computer, so I avoided most websites.

Title: 4/5 Your title would look so much better if "pilots" is capitalized. It's original and relates to the story very well, although you can do a better job instead of having it relate to the main plot.

Foreword: 7/10 While a simple foreword is nice and attractive, your's is too short. It doesn't really explain anything or help you flow into the story. Section chief Suho, for example. What section chief is he? What does he work for? I'm not asking for a whole paragraph to describe the story but include more details to make your description go into the story, like a bridge. Also, you have a random comma in your second sentence. "...Chanyeol, about the troubles..." You don't need a comma there.

Plot: 15/20 You have one big plot hole overall, and that is your background. The setting is somewhat unclear because what world does your characters live in? What is it like there? What's base 6? What are the bases? How does the ranking work? Don't think that you can just write down all your thoughts and expect everyone to understand them. Give some background information first. Otherwise, your plot is really unique, so good job with that.

Characters: 20/20 Great characterization! Good job describing your characters' feelings, especially Suho's. You show his opinions and thoughts on people and ideas well with your use of details and how you write most of the story in his viewpoint. It makes the readers think of situations through Suho, like how he would react.

Grammar and Spelling: 13/20 One of your problems is not knowing where to place commas; you place commas in random places a lot of time. For example, "She ran, to the store" which should just be "She ran to the store." It's one full sentence, so why should you pause while saying it? However, the places where you should place a comma don't have one. "Shaking his head he turned around" should be "Shaking his head, he turned around." You also missed conjunction words a few times, making your sentences hard to read. Run-on sentences are your main problem overall, not just missing commas. I see that you try to separate your sentences with semi-colons, and that's good, but you also need to separate other sentences that you have overlooked. Read your work after you're done to see if a sentence is run-on or not. Another problem is your use of vocabulary. There are a few times where you would use words that you don't seem to know the real meaning of. Do not assume. Use google if you have to, but never assume because that just makes your story unappealing.

Chapter 1, "Orbman" should be "Orbmen" if it's plural instead of just "man" or "mans".
2. P(aragraph)19 (I'm not sure if I counted the paragraphs correctly because they're all squished together, so it's hard to count) "...you surly remember how often I got drunk..." should be '...you surely remember how often I got drunk...'
3. P32 "Sometimes there were years were not a single one was good enough to become a star pilot." should be 'Sometimes, even as many years passed, not a single one was good enough to become a star pilot.'
4. P36 "Rolling in the agitation was felt thick in the big hall, like it could be cut with a knife, everywhere..." should be 'Curiosity was everywhere in the big hall."

Chapter 2, P6 "...office numbers of the guidance counsellor..." should be '...office numbers of the guidance counselor...'

Flow: 13/15 Woah, what's going on? You start off the story talking about the Garden of Wonders and Orbmen. What are those? What is the world your story is in? I would suggest you give the story a prologue or a mini-description in your foreword telling the readers what world the the story is in before starting the story. Otherwise, the flow is pretty good.

Enjoyment: 3/5 I would have enjoyed the original plot and great characterization a lot if it weren't for the run-on sentences, improper placement of commas, extremely big plot hole, and squished paragraphs.

Structure: 4/5 Have a space between your paragraphs because that would make your story easier to read. Right now, it's hard to see where one scene starts and one scene ends. In chapter four and five, you wrote them in a different font. I don't know if this is my computer's fault that I see this or not, but try not to change to your fonts. Otherwise, everything is pretty neat and organized.

Overall: 79/100 The story has a lot of potential due the abundant use of details, original plot, great characterization, and overall starry tone of the story. There is this outer space feeling to the story, like I kept imagining a vast, starry sky while I was on a space station while reading this. You gave this story a nice, magical mood, which is really hard to do. The main things that threw me off tremendously were the big plot hole, the run-on sentences, and the weird placement of commas. Your spacing also made your story harder to read.