Title 4/5–Serendipity. Serendipity means the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way. At first sight, I felt like your title was no where close to being relevant to the story, but I really like how you inputted the word “serendipity” into the story. Your title isn't really eye-catching to me, cause I really feel like you just mashed together three words that seem “pretty” and without any meaning, cause having “Dead heart” and “serendipity” together just make it look messy. What I really wonder is, how is “dead heart” supposed to be relevant to the story? I mean I understand serendipity, but not dead heart. I just can't seem to find any connections to the story what so ever, now this brings me back to the idea of you mashing together three words that seemed “pretty”. I really feel like you only chose “Dead Heart” because you felt like it would look really good with the word “serendipity”, but truth is, I think your title would be absolutely fine if it was just “serendipity”.

Foreword 6/10–The one center, major complaint I have with your whole foreword is that there's nothing. There's barely any information, and the information that you have currently just doesn't give any prior knowledge. I really wish your foreword was more focused on your story, I feel like it's more focused on something else, almost as if it got sidetracked in the making. You took up most of your foreword with soundtracks that goes with the story, but believe me, there aren't that many people that actually listen to the songs while reading, so that room should be used for something more related to the story, I suggest having like a scene from the story so that it gives a bit of “foreshadowing”. That one sentence, the sentence that is the only information about the story, it's rather subtle. Like, it's just so boring cause their a) aren't any interesting words b) doesn't give any suspense c) and it doesn't make much sense. It's just so simple, that it gives absolutely no impact to me, like, okay I've read it and all, but, I didn't think much of it cause it just didn't stick out to me enough. Also, about your “soundtrack”, I wish you would have put all these songs into one play list on YouTube, cause the thing is, if you put yourself in your readers shoes, and you have to constantly flip back to the foreword page just to change a song, wouldn't you be annoyed because of how tedious this work is? That's why I believe it would be a whole lot easier and it puts a load off of the readers shoulders if the soundtrack was in a play list form on YouTube. I really love your “author's talk”, you didn't call it an authors note which I really love cause an “authors talk” just sounds so much better than authors note. I like how your authors talk looks so sophisticated that the usual authors note, and it actually makes a meaning to me when I read it. I really love how you had a link for your live journal version, and the way you formatted the link doesn't make it look, trashy. I personally love it when authors put a link to their live journal cause it gives the readers a glimpse and insight on how your story used to be, and they're amazed of how much your story has really evolved.

❁”Kim Jongin wakes up one day to know that he had a job, a huge responsibility, and a tie with someone whom he had never met.” should be,”Kim Jongin woke up one day to only find out that he suddenly obtained a job, a huge responsibility hovering his shoulders, and an inseparable tie with someone who he had never met or heard of before.”

Plot 17/20–I feel like the way you introduced your story, with those three introductory paragraphs have a lot of potential, but the way you wrote it just made it confusing. It was almost like you got sidetracked with adding a lot of personification; the attribution of a personal nature or human characteristics to something nonhuman, or the representation of an abstract quality in human form, that you didn't focus enough on the plot and actions itself. Cause I felt the beauty in your writing from all the personification, but I absolutely did not feel any of the plot, cause it was just so subtle that I couldn't really tell what was going on without having to guess non-stop. One thing I was confused on with your setting is, was it based in Summer? Or was it based in Winter? The thing that made me confused was your description in the first chapter, you mentioned “summer trees brushing”, giving me an interpretation that the trees were in their summer cycle, and then you said that the windows were frosted and had an inexplicable cold sensation, so that made me think that it was during the cold season, or winter. What season was the setting in? I don't have much words for your story, except regardless of the first chapter, the rest was pretty much perfect. It was really stunning and it could definitely pass for a college-level writing. What I really wonder is how did Kim Jongin's parents die? You mentioned that his parents, mom and dad, died before the story took place, and I'm pretty sure Jongin's not that old so his parents should have been relatively young, probably in their middle fifties? So I assume that they were caught in an accident, but you never really gave a clear definition of what really happened.

Characters 19/20–What I really wonder is what's so special about Kyungsoo? To me, he's rather dim compared to Jongin. Jongin came from a rather rich family, or was he rich because of his business? And the fact that he was arranged with Kyungsoo really gave me the impression he was as rich as Jongin was, so when I first met Kyungsoo, I was rather disappointed, but I'm not saying that these two shouldn't be together, and just because they're from different classes shouldn't change love. Another thing is, is memory-loss a side effect from the lung disease Jongin has? Cause the way you described it in the first chapter really made me think that Jongin had some memory problem, but in the end, he had a lung disease instead, so what I'm really wondering is that does the side-effects involve memory-loss? Another thing is, when Jongin found out that he was really going to be arranged to marry Kyungsoo, he felt like a whiny girl to me, because it just felt so uncommon for a boy to feel, even if it is something unbelievable, he just sounded so mary-sue that it made me hurt inside. I suggest making his reaction a little bit more subtle, cause to me, Jongin felt like a whiny girl to me. I feel like your characters are really well developed, mainly because there's only two characters in the first place, well two characters that you mainly focused on. Both of their personalities are very vivid, and they are not similar what so ever.

Grammar and Spelling 17/20–The first thing I had noticed is is that your personification is really odd, not like odd, but the words you chose to come alive and the way you did it is jut so odd and really hard to imagine. Like when you wrote that “smell powdered”, “sunshine sounded”, “windows tapping”, it's really, really, hard to imagine these nouns could really do these human verbs. Using personification is a really high-level skill, but the specific verbs you chose to use just made it really hard to imagine in your mind. I noticed that you sometimes have the tendency of forgetting a space after a comma, for example,”Lively, he asked himself something”, you personally sometimes do,”Lively,he asked himself something”, instead. You should always put a space after a comma. Your word selections and your descriptions really vary, cause there is just so much. I feel like your details and descriptions are absolutely perfect and definitely really high-level. When I read your story, I really felt like I was reading something a professional author would write. One thing I didn't quite like is your soundtrack, I personally don't like the use of soundtracks in stories, I mean, I understand the idea of having music that fits what you're reading but the one major problem with soundtracks is that they're never accurate. The time they come in and come out are completely different for everyone because they read at a difference pace than what you would imagine. Let's saying you have a dramatic music to fit a dramatic event in your story, the one problem is that there are some people that would reach the dramatic event faster than when the dramatic music comes in, and the opposite way as well.

❁”Jongin found himself in a bright crash of morning light in his king-sized bed, with his smell powdered all over the sheets. The sunshine sounded like summer trees brushing, curtains ruffling and frosted windows tapping in an inexplicable cold sensation.” should be,”Jongin found himself cover in a bright imprint of the morning light in his king-sized bed. His sheets were aromatic with the distinct smell of Kim Jongin. The sunshine complimented the sound of trees brushing against each other, curtains ruffling and the frosted windows had signs of an inexplicable cold sensation.”

❁”The way he opened his eyes, sweet kiss of breezy air made him slightly flinch in to a soft turn. He looked at the other side of the bed, trying to block away the resemblance of close Las Vegas lights, and bit his lips in a drowsy manner. He blinks a couple of times, discovering how somehow his lids gives a hint of darkness.” should be,”As he opened his eyes, the breezy air gave him a sweet kiss, making him slightly flinch and made a soft turn. He glanced at the other side of the bed, trying to block away the brightness of the Las Vegas lights, and bit his lip in a drowsy manner. He blinked a couple of times, discovering how heavy his lids actually were.

❁”He said, pointing the panes and covering his eyes with his other hand, giving him bright pales of beige and pinks between the spaces of his skinny fingers.” should be,”He said, one hand pointing to the panes while the other hand covers his eyes. He save a mirage of bright pigments of beige and pink between the spaces of his skinny fingers.”

Flow 13/15–I really feel like the relationship being Kim Jongin and Do Kyungsoo went really fast, after a few weeks or so, I see them already talking about marriage and having . Just the development just went so fast it was hard to believe, cause I really didn't quite feel the suspense of them actually going out. You just jumped right in to the more, mature parts. I really wish you went it more slowly, cause your chapters just went by way to fast for me. There really weren't much signs of transitions, but I didn't get confused on what I'm reading so I can't really complain about this. Besides from these few moments and facts, your flow is perfectly fine, and whatever you're doing with the character development is perfect so you should just keep it like it is right now.

Enjoyment 3/5–I had mixed feelings of this story, I personally felt like this story really stuck out to me, since it wasn't those usual cliché stories, but it had a plot that was really unique and stuck out to me. The reason I didn't really like this story was mainly because there was just some parts that I really didn't like, your first chapter, I absolutely didn't like it, but the upcoming chapters were perfect, and it almost seemed like someone else has wrote it. I feel like, because your chapters are so long, I got really bored easily, because there really wasn't much twists and cliffhangers, and I just felt like your chapters just dragged on a lot.

Structure 4/5–Whenever you write about the past, like the times when you're having a flash back, or a glimpse to the past. I notice that you enjoy having your text being italicized, and in a light shade of gray font. I personally would enjoy it so much more if it isn't italicized, since it just seems too much having both of these features in that section of text. I really love your formatting, it's really unique and it doesn't look messy at all. Besides from these mistakes, I feel like your font type, size, color, and paragraph spacings and lengths are perfect.

Overall 80/100–The way that your chapters are just so excruciatingly long made it feel like your story was just dragging on and it was so slow, but the truth is it wasn't. I really wish you made your chapters a lot shorter, and split them up even. Another thing is, I feel like you should be really careful of how you use personification, it could be a gift to your story, or it could be a curse. I feel like there are a few gaps in your story that you could really fill in, for example, what were the side-effects of his lung disease? Was memory-loss one of them? And another thing is, how did his parents die?