False Euphoria

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/706778/false-euphoria-angst-yongguk-bap-daehyun-bangdae

About: Bang Yongguk(BAP)+Daehyun(BAP), angst,  romance, bangdae, marriage, romance, betrayal

Bleu
Finished on 7/1/2014

Chapters Read 1/1

Author Note–Hello, this is Bleu also known as iShiroKins, the reason I'm writing an author's note is because I've realized that you must be quite upset of how late this review is. Please be assured that we did not forget you, or was it because we were lazy and didn't want to work on your review. We have exactly all of the requests in order. Although this isn't a proper or acceptable excuse for having a late request, the reasons why we've been so backed up is because of the following...Okay, so in April-May a lot of members went on vacation and so on, and then, when they came back, it was not long for them to have their finals. This really gave us the worse situation ever, I'm sure you guys, as fellow authors, know how hard it is to balance Asianfanfiction and school finals. I do not think this will be a good enough excuse or apology for you to look away from this mess-up, but please know that we had no means of showing disrespect or ignorance to this review.

Title 3.5/5–What is Euphoria? I dislike how you made the readers have to search up online when “Euphoria” meant. Was it that hard to just put a definition in the story or in the foreword/description? I feel like, since you didn't explain what a euphoria was I found your title not much of an impact as I would have wanted it to be. I really wish your title came more into the story, like, I understood what your title meant but I wanted you, as the author, to provide more clues to your readers.

A false euphoria. Meaning, a false feeling or state of intense excitement and happiness. This is really relevant to the story as Daehyun had always believed that he was in love with that perfect guy Yongguk. Just like a euphoria, Daehyun and Yongguk was experience an intense amount of excitement and happiness as they lived their lives together in these past three years they were together. Now, adding in the false, it gives a representation that all Daehyun had believed was a lie. Yongguk wasn't the guy Daehyun had believed he was, he was a guy that couldn't make his own decisions and ended up in a parallel universe between the two worlds he had created. One world with his wife and kids, while another was with Daehyun.

I know that in a lot of books, the titles may not even be in the story, but it has a great reference between the title and the book itself. I know that sometimes a title doesn't have to be completely from the book, but, when you're writing a fanfiction, I just believe it'll be better since it helps the readers get more clues about your title as it goes on.

Overall, I feel like your title “False Euphoria” is a wonderful title for this plot you have created. It's really relevant and it's not cliché at all. Also, if I were to see this randomly in the forums, I would definitely give it a try and read it, after all, there are little stories with this sort of title after all. Lastly, the only suggestions I would give for you is to give some more references of a “false euphoria” in your story. I notice that your story is basically based off this idea of Daehyun having a false euphoria, but I want the actual words in the story. But please do remember that this is only a suggestion, I won't deduct many points because of this since with or without it, I feel like your story will just be fine as it is right now. Also, I want somewhere in your foreword, description, or story a definition of what a euphoria is. It's rather troublesome when the author itself is literally forcing the readers to search up what a word is, especially when you want their complete attention to the story and not the title itself.

Foreword 7.5/10–I really love the material you put in your foreword, it's really relevant to the story, and it's rather classy looking if I do say so. It provides a decent amount of information about the story, but the only things I would like to say against it is that it seems a little bit well, clustered. And the order you put these in are rather odd to me. I feel like, if you re-arranged it a little bit, it would look a lot nicer and it would make a little bit more sense to some new readers.

Okay, so first things first, I feel like your foreword is a little bit too cluster, the spacings between these four paragraphs are really weird, there are some that are a decent amount, and then there are some that are a little bit close. I don't know if this is the result of the horizontal line, but in my opinion, I think it would a little better if you re-arranged this a little bit more different. A clustered foreword/description can be quite a hassle to the readers, since everything is so clustered, it gives the readers a slight disadvantage to read and comprehend it compared to a readers conclusion if the spacings weren't clustered or wide-spread.

I think you should re-arrange this page a little bit, okay first, I think you should have your quote from Cheryl Hughes as the first thing the readers see when they read this page. When they see a quote as the first sentence they'll probably think something like,”Now doesn't that look rather professional like? The rest of her story must also be good if she's able to bring a quote that's so relevant to the story.” Now that may be a little bit of an exaggeration but you know what I mean. I want the Cheryl Hughes quote to be the same size and everything, but I want it to be a light shade of grey–just so you can tell the difference between the quote and the main text. Now underneath the Cheryl Hughes quote is the horizontal line–like you have it as it is now. Then, I want the current first paragraph to be underneath this horizontal line. As for your foreword, it's perfect the way it is, but I do want to change your paragraph separators to something a little bit more artsy–just so you can bring a little bit more color into your story.

From what I've read, you do have some grammar and spelling issues. Not only in your foreword/description but in your story too[will explain more in grammar and spelling section]. I think some of the main issues that are pulling you back from your true potential is that you overuse commas and pronouns too much. Commas can be a gift and a curse at the same time. It takes a good writer to know when to use commas, but it also takes a greater writer to know when they're at their limit. As for you, I feel like you just randomly throw commas into your paragraphs/phrases, there are many other fragment separators you could use such as, hyphens, semicolons, colons, parentheses and ellipses. If you have any questions on what these are and you don't feel like searching them up please refer back to some of my past reviews such as, [x].

Now let's talk about your overuse of pronouns now. Since you have two male major protagonists, you must use a lot of skill to be able to separate these two apart when you're writing or else your readers will get confused. Right now, your readers are confused since you used the same pronouns for both Daehyun and Yongguk without introducing Yongguk yet, and now it made the readers feel like you're talking about the same people over and over again–but in truth–you're actually talking about Daehyun AND Yongguk. I really want to emphasize on not overusing the same pronouns over and over again or else you readers won't understand who you're talking about.

I really like how well you followed a format for your foreword/description. I can't believe how organized it is, although sometimes, I feel like you're just throwing stuff here. I think you're one of the few people that really brought up my expectations for foreword/description. You don't know how many people I've reviewed that just randomly put stuff into theirs. Great job and I'm really looking forward to reading your story from your foreword.

Overall, I feel like your foreword/description does an absolutely great job at attracting readers and making them want to keep reading. Because you gave just the right amount of information, and you didn't give too much away–the readers would want to keep reading so they can solve the questions they've created from reading the foreword/description. I really love how you were still able to give some mystery with your foreword/description and purposely leaving holes in your writing, and still be able to give the right amount of information. You're a genius!

Corrections

1) Mistake–“Daehyun thought that he was the one, the person that who he was going to spend the rest of his life with. But he was wrong, so so so wrong.” (Located in description, first paragraph above the horizontal line)

1) Correction–“Daehyun believed that he was Yongguk's one and only. There would only be one person that Yongguk was going to spend the rest of his life with–and Daehyun was certain that it was going to be him, and only him. Not everyone is able to obtain their fairy tale ending, and especially not Daehyun. He soon lived a sad, pitiful ending. All because of one, true liar.”

Plot 18/20–Your plot is really good and I don't have anything that I automatically started hating. I feel like you did a good job at sticking to only one event and describing it with a lot of details and descriptions. I know it may be hard for people to just stick on one event when people always end up of thinking of other events as well. Good job at keeping only one event.

Something I noticed is that I find that the story has a little bit of holes, I feel like you could have added some background information and it would have been a little bit more clear. Since after all, the readers have no idea what was the event that led Daehyun to this. How did Daehyun find out that Yongguk was getting married? Did Yongguk tell him or something? Also, how did these two meet in the first place? School? Career? I feel like if you added a little bit of background information it would make your story a little bit more clear.

I feel like sometimes you repeat the same things over and over again. Like, I know that this could be part of repetition but it's a little bit different. I find that, once Daehyun feels like it's over, Yongguk says the same thing again and there's a little bit of hope. I feel like you wanted to extend the story a little bit, so you kept the fight going. To me, I feel like this fight was a little bit too long since I could already tell it was over halfway through.

Overall, I feel like your plot is on point there is nothing majorly wrong with it. The only thing I would suggest is adding some background information or something that will grab the tone back a little bit. It gets boring when all you're reading is just fighting and fighting. I want you to add some like sadness as well. You do a great job at writing details and sticking to one event which is really great. I also noticed that you're writing in past tense, you do a great job at sticking to one tense–and I know that this is rather hard sometimes. But I do notice sometimes when you switch tenses but it's alright.

Characters 15/20–I feel like there are some holes you didn't fill in your character section, especially for Yongguk. Maybe this is because it's a one shot and you wanted your readers to imagine what the answers for these questions are. But I feel like the need for these answers give a more realistic reaction when the readers find out that Yongguk in the end, leaves Daehyun.

Okay now let's first talk about Yongguk. From what you wrote, he's a guy that messed up big time. He thought that he could live in his two worlds without having them clash. One world with his wife and kids, and another world with Daehyun. What I'm wondering now is was Yongguk a rather rich man? Or he came from a rich background? Cause after all, he had an arranged marriage, and usually it's because of all the heirs crap. Or was he too poor and he wanted to marry into a richer family? Another thing is, if Yongguk really didn't love his wife why did he have kids with her? Was it to show that he was going to be loyal to his wife? Or was he forced by his family to have kids with her? He mentioned countless times that he only loved Daehyun, but that doesn't explain his interactions with his wife.

Now let's talk about Daehyun, I really want to know who he is really. You didn't give much information about him pertaining about his background or anything. How did he and Yongguk meet? Was it with a set-up relationship, career, school, etc? And how did Daehyun find out that Yongguk was cheating(two-timing) on him? I mean, from what I've read, it seemed that Yongguk was really certain that he kept these two worlds apart and from not clashing. Is there a particular reason Daehyun found it? Did he find Yongguk and his wife on the streets walking together? Overall, I didn't give much information about Daehyun's personality from the fighting, but I do feel pity for him.

I really love how you didn't bother to mention the wife of Yongguk's name. This really showed the readers that because you didn't mention her name that's supposed to be a very minor character. Meaning she shouldn't affect the story that much. If you had put the wife's name into the story, the readers would probably have lost some of their concentration. After all, their focus should be on Yongguk and Daehyun only, not some minor character that won't even make any appearances in the story.

Grammar and Spelling 18/20–I think some of the main issues that are pulling you back from your true potential is that you overuse commas and pronouns too much. Commas can be a gift and a curse at the same time. It takes a good writer to know when to use commas, but it also takes a greater writer to know when they're at their limit. As for you, I feel like you just randomly throw commas into your paragraphs/phrases, there are many other fragment separators you could use such as, hyphens, semicolons, colons, parentheses and ellipses. If you have any questions on what these are and you don't feel like searching them up please refer back to some of my past reviews such as, [x].

Now let's talk about your overuse of pronouns now. Since you have two male major protagonists, you must use a lot of skill to be able to separate these two apart when you're writing or else your readers will get confused. Right now, your readers are confused since you used the same pronouns for both Daehyun and Yongguk without introducing Yongguk yet, and now it made the readers feel like you're talking about the same people over and over again–but in truth–you're actually talking about Daehyun AND Yongguk. I really want to emphasize on not overusing the same pronouns over and over again or else you readers won't understand who you're talking about.

You do a great job at writing with a lot of descriptions which is really great. I noticed that you do a great job from writing run-off sentences as well by adding a lot of commas. Something that I noticed is that you sometimes forget that you're writing in past tense and suddenly slip into present tense. Overall, you did a great job at writing with excellent grammar and spelling without getting your readers confused by what you're writing. Just be aware of the overuse of pronouns and commas.

Another warning I have is that you sometimes write with a little bit too much cuss words. It's almost as if you just throw them in. Cuss words can be a gift and a curse just like commas. If you use some it definitely bring out the character's personality more. But if you use too much, it might make the author and the character seem ignorant. I mean, using a lot of cuss words can give the wrong perspective to the readers as well, especially if they're completely against cuss words.

Corrections

NONE

Enjoyment 3/5–Overall, I have mixed feelings with this story. The plot development was absolutely amazing, and one of the best that I've read in a long time. The grammar and spelling was really great too. The only warnings I would give for you is that you should tone down with all your pronouns and commas, try to be more versatile. In my opinion, I felt like you could have used some background information. I think you have a lot of potential, and this story really shows your potential. It's really neat and organized and I would have definitely picked it up if I were to be just randomly scrolling through the forums and saw this. There really wasn't much that I felt disturbed by your story, I wasn't completely intrigued throughout your whole story though. Having a fight and sticking to one event is really great and all, but it sometimes get quite redundant. I mean, listening to a fight for like 20 paragraphs gets boring doesn't it?

Structure 5/5–Your structure was absolutely perfect, although there were times when you switched from double spacing after periods and then just single spacings after periods. You do a really great job with using horizontal lines–sometimes I just see people randomly throw them in so their story will look “professional”. I don't really have anything to complain with your structure, you did a really good job with just sticking to one font size. And your font size, type, color is perfect. Same thing with your paragraph spacings.

Specific Advice Wanted:

Requester Commented: is it worth continuing, or should I just leave it as is?

Reviewer Reply: Well, I feel like it should be left as it is now. I think your ending is perfect as it is and it would be completely ruined it you were to add another chapter. Although I said you should leave it as it is. That doesn't meant I don't think you should change it a little bit. I think that you should add some stuff that I had mentioned in your review. But, don't make this a chapter story or else it would ruin the ending you have. I think that all your story is missing is some background information that will fill in the holes/questions the readers have. But, if you wished to scrap this and make it into a chapter story, I think it would still be good, but it would take a lot of re-arranging for that to work.

Overall 70/85=82/100–Overall your story was quite a feat for me. There were some really good parts and very little bad parts. Although this isn't recommendation worthy, you were quite close. The only thing I would suggest is to cut it down with all your commas and pronouns. And maybe answer some of the questions I left in the character section? I mean, I wish there was some more background information. Another thing is maybe give the definition of what a euphoria is in your story? Or something that won't make your readers feel forced to search up what a euphoria is.