lovelyndgrey2230
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
Two Worlds Apart
About: Hyun Ae(OC)+Luhan(EXO), kpop, oneshot, romance, sad, exo, exom, luhan
Bleu
Finished on 6/21/2014
Chapters Read 1/1
Author Note: I noticed that there was a sequel to this story, and you hadn't told me to read the sequel or not, so I wasn't sure whether or not I should have included the sequel in this review as well. Deciding not to, please remember that this review is only about the one shot, not the chapter style sequel. There may be holes in this story, and these “holes” are later filled in the sequel, but please bare with me since the only knowledge I put in this story is prior knowledge based on this story and not the sequel. If you would like, and you wish to re-request, I would be dearly glad to review your sequel as well. Thank you for any troubles I may have brought to you.
Title 3/5–I completely understand the meaning you have with your title,”Two Worlds Apart”. Although Luhan is in heaven now, and Hyun Ae is on Earth, even if they're two worlds apart from each other, they will still be together in heart and soul. The only thing that I don't really like is although this is completely relevant to the story, I want some more of this title in the story. It barely makes any appearances in the story except for the very last paragraph. I wish there was a little bit more of your title in the story, and it doesn't make that much of an impact to the readers because of it's lack of appearance. Some suggestions for a different title is “The Distance Between Earth and Heaven”, or something that can just rephrase “Two Worlds Apart” since the wording is a little bit odd.
Foreword 5/10–I absolutely dislike your description, there is literally, nothing in it. What was in your mind when you were writing the description? Did you probably think that the description wasn't anything important to your story? Look, I know what I've said may be harsh and rather rude, but I'm just being strict to help you with your story. A description is a major factor to your story, because your description is only “characters” without any descriptions or whatever, it makes the readers feel like your story is lack-luster and you didn't care that much.
Okay, now, I'm pretty sure you've heard what I'm going to say following, but, I do think that you need some refreshers. A descriptions job is not to inform any information, but to attract the readers. Attracting the readers is different than informing the readers, the description must have this glamorous, elegant, attribute to it. It just has this physical/mental factor that just attracts the readers to the story. By the words, formatting, and anything in it, it makes the readers want to keep reading onward to the foreword. Haven't you always wondered by the description was before the foreword? Well this is the reason why, the description may not look much at first sight, but it's the backbone of this page. Without a proper description, there is nothing that's making the readers want to keep reading onward.
Now let's talk about your foreword now. A foreword's job is to inform the readers about your story. The information that it is informing to your readers shouldn't be too much, or too little, but just subtle enough for the readers to have some prior knowledge and want to know more and will read onward to the actual story. A foreword shouldn't be too straightforward, it should have at least some mystery. Remember, do not underestimate your readers, they are able to figure out what your story about even with a little bit of mystery. Don't be too straightforward, but be sure to give them clues every now and then.
Okay, something I personally would do to this page would switch your description and foreword around. This may sound like I'm being a hypocrite from what I said earlier, but, either way, your description plus foreword absolutely follows the format I was talking about. Now, if you switch your foreword and description around, your description would be perfect once I fix the mistakes you have in there. And as for your character list, minimize the picture sizes–they are absolutely way out of proportion, and also, add some descriptions to your characters. What's the point of having a character list when you only have like a picture and their name. Give description, but not too much, if you have any problems with not knowing how to give the right amount of information, please do ask me. Also, get rid of “A one-shot story starring....” and “and...”, do something creative, don't do something that simple.
Something I would like to preach is whenever you have an ellipsis, those consecutive periods, you must always have three of them. Not four not two, but three. Three is considered a lucky number in the English literature. Three is not too much, Three is not too little. Which is why whenever you're reading a book, and their listing something, there are always three or them. Like, for example, there were only three bears. In Cinderella, they only showed the Prince trying the shoe on to only three women, with the exclusion of Cinderella. In Cinderella, there were only three mice as well. Three, three, three. You must always have that number in your mind when you're writing a piece of literature.
From what I've seen in your foreword, I don't think you know how to properly punctuate dialogue. You must always follow the formatting of the follow...Quotation Mark+Dialogue+Ending Punctuation/Comma Punctuation+Quotation Mark...and if necessary, a dialogue name tag as well. Sometimes, I feel like your dialogue punctuation is rather abnormal. I mean, it's like you just threw stuff in there without looking up the proper way to write dialogue or something.
Why are there sometimes that you don't have an ending punctuation? You must never, ever, forget your ending punctuation. And ending punctuation is as important as your subject or verb. Also, whenever you write with an ellipsis, you must always remember to never have spaces before and after it, same thing with any dashes or semi colons.
I'm not a huge fan of your way of formatting your foreword, it's just so wide-spread and the font size really doesn't complement your story whatsoever. The way I'm going to explain the changes are going to be with Section 1 and Section 2. Section 1 is the piece of literature with dialogue. And Section 2 is the piece of literature with no dialogue. Okay. I suggest having the section 1 and section 2 paragraph spacings a little smaller. Then, have section 2 centered, but keep section 1 left-aligned. Now, keep section 1 bold, but for section 2, don't make it bold and have it a light shade of gray. The main thing I would like to make the most critical is having these two sections different. Or else the readers will jumble these two up or something.
Corrections
1) Mistake–“Oppa, promise me you won't leave” her voice tensed as she spoke “Don't leave me” warm tears cascaded down her face. It hurt to see her like this but I literally didn't have any choice. She held my hands ever so tightly that it broke my heart, I had to shove it away...” (Located in foreword, first paragraph)
1) Correction–“Oppa, you promised me you wouldn't leave me,” her voice tense as she spoke. “Don't leave me,” warm tears cascaded down her face. Every time I see her like this, a thorn poked my heart, but I knew I didn't have any other choice. She held my hands ever so tight that it broke my heart to let go, I had to shove it away...”
2) Mistake–“Hyun Ae...” I slowly removed her hands away from mine” (Located in foreword, second paragraph)
2) Correction–“Hyun Ae...” I slowly moved her hands away from mine.”
3) Mistake–“It's time to find your true happiness” (Located in foreword, third paragraph)
3) Correction–“It's time to find your own, true happiness...”
4) Mistake–“My fate, her fate... both of our fates had long been decided” (Located in foreword, fifth paragraph)
4) Correction–“My fate, her fate...both of our fates have been decided since our birth.”
5) Mistake–“Like any other clichéd love stories...” (Located in foreword, seventh paragraph)
5) Correction–“Like in any other cliché love story...”
6) Mistake–“Sad but it is the reality we must accept... and regardless of how bitter it might feel, we had to accept” (Located in foreword, eighth paragraph)
6) Correction–“No one wants this sort of ending, but tis' the reality we must accept–and regardless of how bitter we might feel, we have no choice but to accept it.”
7) Mistake–“That our fate didn't include 'and together they lived happily ever after'
7) Correction–“Unlike in fairy tales, our fate didn't include “And together, they lived, happily...ever after”.
Plot 16/20–I can't say much about your plot. Since it was a one-shot, there were little plot development. All I had to say is that you did a really good job with that one twist in your story. The idea that Luhan wasn't actually talking to Hyun Ae in the beginning and that he was actually a ghost ready to go to “heaven”. When I first read that part, I was like, wait, did the author make a mistake or something? But then, I realized it. To me, I felt like this is your major impact to the readers, nothing else speaks to them more than this. You did a really good job at keeping this twist camouflaged before it was time to reveal it.
Something about the plot I would say is that it's rather short and simple. Something that I think is a little bit of hate and love, sugar and salt, spicy and bland, hot and cool. I think that some people will like this one-shot, while others will hate it. Some people will like how well you were able to create your story with just this little amount of space and wordings. While on the other hand, some people will absolutely hate this story because of how little plot and character development you have. I would like to say that I wish there was a little bit more to your story than I had wished.
There was just way too many holes in this story, and although I do know that there is a sequel, please do remember that this review is only based on the one-shot. So who knows, may be these holes are filled in the sequel. Okay getting back to where I was, some of the holes I found would be like, how come Luhan was a ghost in the first place? Did he have some unwanted business to finish? I want to know like, how he got there in the first place. Also, as for Hyun Ae, I don't really get Hyun Ae, she doesn't have any personality really. She just seems like a young girl in love depressed cause her boyfriend had died. Another thing I would like to say is, the phrase “Two Worlds Apart”, in mindset it has a great meaning. But I want more. I want more of this meaning. All I have is this tiny bit in the bottom of the page. I want some more repetition with this, some recommendations would be I don't know, maybe have a flashback, with Luhan and Hyun Ae at their anniversary and they mention that no matter how far they are apart they'll always be together. Or something that brings the idea of “Two Worlds Apart”.
Characters 11/20–The character personalities are really lack-luster. Okay let's start with Luhan, I don't see much in him. I mean, he's just this guy that wants to be with his girlfriend. I really wished that there was something more distinct about him. I want more of his personalities or something. Same thing with Hyun Ae. This is a bigger problem with Hyun Ae, she's literally like a plastic doll. I mean, she has no purpose or any attributes. Her personalities aren't revealed at all, and all I know is that she's sad cause her boyfriend died. I really wanna know what happens to her and how she really is. She mentioned that she didn't treasure Luhan as much, but how? Did she like, treat him as a pet? I want flashbacks, or glimpses of how they were before Luhan's cancer debut.
Grammar and Spelling 10/20–The first thing I noticed when I started reading your story is where is your ending punctuations???? There are no periods, exclamation points, or question marks. This is shown especially when you're writing dialogue. I hope you know that even if it's dialogue, you need ending punctuations. Right now, all of your dialogue, is simply just phrases with no ending. There is no signs of the ending of the dialogue, so of course, your readers think that there's supposed to be some continuation.
Something else I would like to say is that you should have spaces before and after ellipsis(...). There is no need for spaces since the ellipsis is meant to connect the primary phrase with the secondary phrase. This as well goes with semi colons(;) and dashes(–,-,—). Another thing I would like to say is whenever you have exclamation marks or question marks, one is enough, even if you want to show emotion please do not put more than one. Whenever you put more it just makes your story look really childish and it like depletes the atmosphere you want to have. Since your story is absolutely not a crack fiction.
Another thing I would to preach about dearly is that your punctuation should be a little bit more versatile. I think that you use way too much commas and ellipsis. Please be aware that there are other options as well, such as dashes and semicolons. Although you may think that all of these are the same thing, you are not correct. These things may look like, and may seem to be used in the same places but they have different meanings and different qualities required to be used. [more information in Structure section]
Corrections
1) Mistake–“Luhan oppa?” she asked me, smiling “It's been a while since we've been here” (Located in chapter one, first paragraph)
1) Correction–“Luhan-oppa?” smiling, she asked me,”It's been a while since we've been here.”
2) Mistake–“I know, I miss it so much” I replied to her while looking at her beautiful face” (Located in chapter one, second paragraph)
2) Correction–“I know, I've missed this scenery as well,” I replied to her as I kept gazing at her beautiful face.”
3) Mistake–“Were actually at the top of a mountain, below are the busy streets of Seoul and up above was the moon that gave light to the evening and the stars that were twinkling in accord. This had been our favourite spot since the very first date” (Located in chapter one, third paragraph)
3) Correction–“We're actually at the top of a mountain, below are the busy streets of Seoul and up above were the moon–that gave light to the evening–and the stars–that were twinkling in accord. This had been our favourite since our very first date.”
4) Mistake–“Oppa, do you still remember how you were so nervous when you asked me to be your girlfriend in this spot?” She giggled “I can still remember how tensed your face looked back then” (Located in chapter one, fourth paragraph)
4) Correction–“Oppa, do you still remember how nervous you were when you asked me to be your girlfriend at this spot?” she giggled,”I can still remember how tense your face looked back then.”
5) Mistake–“Hyun Ae! Stop teasing me, it took a lot of courage to ask you out” I pouted” (Located in chapter one, fifth paragraph)
5) Correction–“Hyun Ae! Quit teasing me! It took a lot of courage to say that you know!” I pouted.
6) Mistake–“Oppa, it must have been hard having to put up with all my naggings and frustrations and for that, I'm truly sorry” she looked down. The sudden change of mood worried me... so much” (Located in chapter one, seventh paragraph)
6) Correction–“Oppa, it must be hard having to put up with all my nagging and frustrations and for that, I'm truly sorry,” she looked down. The sudden change of mood worried me...a lot.”
7) Mistake–“I'm really sorry for everything, for not treasuring you enough” she looked down but I could see tears quickly dropping from her swollen eyes and worse, you could tell that she had been crying all day.” (Located in chapter one, eighth paragraph)
7) Correction–“I'm really sorry for everything, especially for not treasuring you enough,” she looked down. I could easily see the tears quickly sliding out of her swollen eyes, and worse, you could tell that she had been crying all day.”
8) Mistake–“Hyun Ae, stop crying” I pleaded to her. Suddenly she looked up at the skies and stood up, the stars were shining ever so brightly. (Located in chapter one, ninth paragraph)
8) Correction–“Hyun Ae, stop crying, please,” I pleaded to her. Suddenly, she looked up to the skies and stood up. The skies were shining ever so brightly.”
9) Mistake–“Luhan!!!!!” she screamed at the top of her lungs “Why did you leave me!?! Why?” (Located in chapter one, tenth paragraph)
9) Correction–“Luhan!” she screamed at the top of her lungs. “Why did you have to leave me!?” Why?!”
10) Mistake–“I'm sorry but you only have a month left” the doctor said while looking down” (Located in chapter one, fifteenth paragraph)
10) Correction–“I'm sorry, but you only have a month left,” the doctor said while looking straight to the floor.”
11) Mistake–“I had Stage 4 Lung Cancer. Everyone was shocked. My mom fainted, my dad's high blood pressure rose and her... Hyun Ae, my precious girlfriend could only stare at the wall, dumbstruck.” (Located in chapter one, sixteenth paragraph)
11) Correction–“I had stage four lung cancer. In luck, there were at least dry eyes in the room. But, my mom had fainted, my dad's already high blood pressure continued to rise, and her, Hyun Ae, my precious girlfriend, could only stare at the wall–dumbstruck.”
12) Mistake–“And me, I could only watch and fight back the tears that were forming. My parents told me that what I heard wasn't true and that I shouldn't worry but I wasn't a kid anymore, I knew that my time in this world would soon end” (Located in chapter one, seventeenth paragraph)
12) Correction–“And me, I could only watch and fight back the tears that were beginning to form. My parents had told me that what I heard wasn't true and that I shouldn't worry. But, I wasn't a kid anymore. I knew that my time in this cruel, limited world would soon end.”
I'm not going to write down any more corrections since it seems rather redundant now, as long as you follow what I wrote in the Grammar and Spelling section it'll be easy for you to fix any mistakes you have in your following chapters. As for any questions you may have about your grammar and/or spelling, please do ask me, let it be in PM, on my wall, or even on our news feed. Please don't hesitate as I'm absolutely willing to help you in anything.
Flow 11/15–Your flow is good, but there isn't much in your flow. You don't have any moments when you go too slow or you go too fast. But your flow is full of holes. There are so many holes that I hope your sequel fills or something. I think you should go into a lot more detail and description, there really is no certain crept of silver lining that shows your story development. I think the only thing you could do to improve your flow is to add more description, add more flashbacks, add more moments in your story. I know sometimes I preach that people should just stick to one major event, but in your case–you should use at least 4-5 events, and then, you have to give a major amount of details. Let it be dialogue, character/plot development, or anything that gives information to your readers.
Enjoyment 3/5–I have a hate and love to this story. I love the plot you set it, it created a really realistic plot and I completely understood it. I also enjoyed the twist you had there with having Luhan not actually there talking to Hyun Ae. The reason I don't like this story is because it's just so short and simple. There is nothing like, any description balancing this story. I wish you just went into more details with your event. Another thing I would like to say is there isn't any balance in your story. You have a high amount of plot development, but you don't have the character development and details backing it up. Causing your story to be quite unstable.
Structure 3/5–Like I said before in Grammar and Spelling, you need to be more versatile with your punctuations. You tend to just use commas and ellipsis. Right now, I'm going to introduce you to some other options you could use and the specific qualities needed to use these options. [x]
Ellipses[...] are used to suggest hesitation, attempt to conceal something, signal a trailing or unfinished thought, indicate difficulty in directly expressing oneself, or denote the omission of part of an original material within a quotation. Different style guides have different rules regarding the use of ellipses.
Commas [,] should separate any two words or phrases in a series of three or more. When a dependent clause precedes an independent clause in a complex sentence, a comma should separate the two. The introductory words yes and no should best set apart by commas. Commas should offset nonrestrictive phrases and nonrestrictive clauses, which are groups of words that don't contain information that is needed to interpreting the meaning of the sentence. Commas should offset parenthetical expressions, words of direct address, and appositives. Use commas to separate a quotation from interrupting text. Use commas to separate a quotation from interrupting text. A comma should be used to separate a city from a state. In text, a comma should also follow the state. A comma should be used within dates to separate two textual elements or two numerical elements that appear next to each other. A comma should follow the salutation of an informal letter.
Semicolon[;] is used between two related, independent clauses. A semicolon can be used to precede conjunctive adverbs, such as however or therefore that connect sentence elements of equal rank. When a sentence has a series of elements that contains one or more commas, the division between the elements should be marked with a semicolon.
Colons[:] should be used to herald/signal/bring, something that immediately follows an independent clause. The colon should be used to separate hour from the minute when expressing standard time. A colon should be used between the title and subtitle of a book. A colon should follow the salutation of a formal letter. A colon can be used between two independent clauses if the second explains, expands upon, or illustrates a point made in the first.
Hyphens[-,–,—] should be used to divide a word at the end of a line when it is necessary for stylistic purposes and the entire word will not fit on one line. Words should be divided between syllables. Use hyphens with spelled-out compound numbers from twenty-one to ninety-nine if they function as adjectives. Use hyphens with fractions that are spelled out and used as adjectives. If one of the numbers in the fractions already has hyphens, don't use another one. A hyphen should be used to join many prefix to a proper adjective or a noun. There are some prefixes that should always be hyphenated. Hyphenate a compound adjective when it precedes the word it modifies and when doing so it helps clarity. Don't hyphenate if one of the modifiers is an adverb ending in –ly. Use hyphens to prevent confusion and awkwardness.
Parentheses [( )] are used to enclose supplementary or explanatory material that interrupts the main sentence. If the material within a pair of parentheses is a complete sentence that is not located within another sentence a period should be added before the closing parentheses. If the parentheses occur within a sentence, a period before the closing parentheses is unwanted.
Specific Advice Wanted:
Requester Comment: Writing style, plot line, grammar
Reviewer Reply: About your writing style, I think that it's a little bit too bland and repetitive. You constantly use the same strategies, commas, commas, commas and ellipses. I think you should mix it up every now and then with like hyphens or semicolons. Another thing I would say is that you really need to add some details or else it'll just be really unbalanced. Like, you have great events and a great plot, but you have absolutely no description backing it up. Now let's talk about your plot line, as I was saying before, its all full of holes. I mean, you're basically just naming the events, there are no details, descriptions whatsoever. As for your grammar now, spelling-wise, there is nothing wrong. But as for punctuation though, why do you never, ever have any ending punctuations?! Especially when writing dialogue. Forgetting an ending punctuation is like forgetting a subject or verb.
Overall 62/100–I am absolutely astonished by your level of using ending punctuations. Why do you not have them?! I mean, having ending punctuations is like one of the basics to writing literature. Also, your story is really unbalanced, I mean, you have an amazing plot idea, and you know how to put good events in, there just isn't any details or descriptions or development. It's like watching a sequel to a movie that was previously amazing. But the sequel wasn't as good as you would have thought it would be. I overestimated your story.
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