Confetti

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/694386/confetti-changmin-romance-tvxq-yunho

About: Noh Hyemi(OC)+Shin Changmin(TVXQ)+Jung Yunho(TVXQ)

Bleu
Finished 6/6/2014

A/N: Sorry for this review to have a five day overlap to the last review, this is mainly because this week was the last week for me. Afterall, I had recently just graduated and I had a lot of finals to prep for as well. Thank you for being patient with me!

Title 5/5–The title Confetti is amazing, I really enjoyed it cause it was really relevant to the story. Not only was it constantly rephrased almost every few paragraphs, it also makes sense in the story. I really enjoyed how this title wasn't overused or was it too long. Confetti was the symbolic representation throughout the story, it was connected to every single event and character. Confetti was something rather unheard of, I could never think of a story so meaningful just based on confetti. You did a great job at fully emphasizing your confetti. Some suggestions would be adding some foreshadowing: for example, having a confetti to not pop and is stuck. This is foreshadowing that Changmin is going to die.

Foreword 8/10–In the first sentence of your description paragraph, instead of “were” it should be “was”. This is because it just doesn’t sound right that way. The difference between “was” and “were” is although both these words represent past tense, was is only used if your subject is singular. While on the other hand, were is used when your subject is plural or you have a compound subject such as, more than one subject...two or more subject). Some examples would be, “I was at the mall”. The “I” is singular: one person. They were at the mall. They is plural: meaning more than one person. Claire is happy, Claire is singular: one person. Claire and Paige are happy, Claire and Paige is a compound subject, meaning more than one subject...or two subjects. There are exceptions in this rule though. For example, if the subject is “you”. You were there. It's singular, yet you use were instead of was. I don't know the right reason why, but you just have to get used to this rule. A way to figure out if you're using it right or not, just simply say it out loud and it will be noticeable if you're saying the wrong thing.

Here's some problems you can test yourself with (not mandatory):

If you chose to work on these problems, comment below if I had used the right form of “was” or “were”. (Correct/Incorrect)

1. You was at my house yesterday, right?

2. Are you sure you was not there just a few moments ago?

3. I was at my house just a few minutes ago.

4. They was planning on going to the mall later this afternoon.

5. My mother was an Olympic silver medalist a few decades ago!

6. You was sure you didn't do that? Because I swear I had witnessed you.

Something I would like to say about your description is that it doesn't quite make sense. Although I understand what you're trying to captivate, it isn't that clear. I feel like, you try to use some high-level words, but it just doesn't fit when you yourself can't properly use words that are like, state-of-phase words or words that you should have learned a long time ago. I suggest don't use a lot of high-level words when you don't have a complete understanding of the basic words needed to make a piece of literature readable.

I feel like instead of starting your subject with a “She”, first introduced the “she” you're talking about, in your case, I'm assuming you're talking about Hyemi. I feel like before using pronouns, you need to introduce the noun or your subject first. Also, do you have any other synonyms instead of she? You use that pronoun so much that it's getting quite redundant.

I don't like how this page is formatted. Why is your foreword just an author note? It's not helping the readers at all. I understand the point of having an author note but you should also have an actual foreword above it. A description is meant to give the readers that sense of being attracted. It shouldn't give away any information. It's job is to attract the readers with it's pheromones. Then, while the reader is still intrigued, the foreword needs to snatch the reader to the story. The foreword is meant to give the readers the plentiful amount of information it needs without spoiling too much or too little. I think your description is perfect the way it is, but your foreword is lacking something important, I suggest having like, character descriptions; a monologue; a phrase from the book; or anything that will give the readers information about the story that's not too straightforward or too much/little information.

❁”She thought that confettis were symbol of fun and happiness.” should be,”She thought that confetti was a symbol of fun and happiness.”

❁”Seeing all the colors pop out in that small container, it made her like a child.” should be,”Seeing all those colors popping out of that small container; it made her feel like a child.”

❁”Fascinated by the spectrum of bright shades of colors” should be,”Fascinated by the spectrum of bright hues of colors”

❁”it was as if everything went slowly, taking in the moment that she felt.” should be,”it was as if everything went slowly, taking in the moment that she had felt.”

❁”She looked past those tiny pieces of papers and saw him.” should be,”She looked past those tiny pieces of papers gliding to the ground and saw him.”

❁”That's when everything started.” should be,”That's when everything had started.”

Plot 18/20–I find it really weird the way you formatted the story. In chapter one, Yunho had that reluctance, almost as if he knew that Changmin and Hyemi knew each other in the past. It felt really clear to me that he knew cause of this word choices and such. How he had that reason to try to keep them apart. But then in chapter two, Yunho was surprised that Hyemi was the girl Changmin had liked. This doesn't make sense really. I don't know if I had read it wrong, or it was a mistake you had made.

In chapter two, the idea of Yunho and Changmin's parents being in the mafia agency was really far-fetched. I didn't dislike the idea, I just had wished you didn't throw that so quickly. I would have liked some foreshadowing or some sort. You just automatically went straight into that idea, and I'm like, “Hold it there horse.” It was a good idea to get out of the whole cliché plot and all, but it was really too much in just one chapter. I suggest adding some foreshadowing beforehand. For example, having Yunho answer a suspicious call. Or Changmin almost blurting out his secret when he has that fever.

Personally, I really loved your plot. It was just so unique and although there weren't a lot of suspense and twists in the beginning, I was still really attracted to the story-which is really rare for me. Also, I really enjoyed how neat and organized your story was. It was really easy for me to read; besides from the subject problems.

Characters 19/20–You mentioned after your first horizontal line in your first chapter that 14 years have passed since her interaction with Changmin. She was a five year old back then, and if you had 14 years. She would be around 18-19. She was in school apparently, so was she still in high school graduating soon, or was she in college?

Changmin and Yunho, in my opinion, I had wished Changmin got together with Hyemi. But oh well. Anyway, Changmin and Yunho were really varied and they are really different. Yunho to me, I feel like he could be a little bit socially-awkward and that he's a little bit bashful. On the other hand, I felt like Changmin could have a more interactive life with Hyemi.

Hyemi on the other hand, she wasn't like those girls that were like down-to-earth and had a conceited personality. But I felt like she was really ignorant to Changmin actually being the Shin Changmin she knew in the past. I mean, it was really obvious and she couldn't recognize that it was him. I mean, how could she not know when he told her that he had only went to one party and he only had grandparents.

Grammar and Spelling 17/20–I feel like instead of starting your subject with a “She”, first introduced the “she” you're talking about, in your case, I'm assuming you're talking about Hyemi. I feel like before using pronouns, you need to introduce the noun or your subject first. Also, do you have any other synonyms instead of she? You use that pronoun so much that it's getting quite redundant.

I hate how you like, always start your subject with a pronoun. It's really irriating cause it takes me forever to realize who you're talking about, is it Changmin or Yunho? You always do this and it's getting really annoying since it's really troublesome not knowing who is your subject.

Chapter One

❁“It's a container for the confetti.” should be,”It's a container of confetti.”

❁“The little girl her head to the side, cutely, and asks, “Confetti? Wh]at is that?” should be,”The little girl her head to the side, cutely, and asks,”Confetti? What is that?”

❁“The little girl does not flinch at the sudden pop of the container, and instead, claps her and hand and jumps in joy at the same time.” should be,”The little girl didn't flinch at the sudden pop of the container, and instead, claps her hand and jumps in joy at the same time.”

❁“Mommy.” She tugs the hem of her mother's skirt. “I'll be back.” should be,”Mommy,” she tugs the hem of her mother's skirt,”I'll be back.”

❁”Why are you occupied with that confetti of yours?” should be,”Why are you so occupied with that confetti of yours?”

❁”The only that keeps them pre-occupied was the sweet smell...” should be,”The only thing that kept them pre-occupied was the sweet smell...”

❁”I want to have a brother.” Max answers.” should be,”I wanted to have a brother,” Max answers.”

❁”Because you're not talking and I hate the silence.” Hyemi responds.” should be,”Because you're not talking and I hate the silence,” Hyemi responds.”

Chapter Two

❁”Says who?” should be,”Said who?”

❁”He looks like an angel, she thought but rolls her eyes, when he is sleeps that is.” should be,”He looks like an angel, she thought but rolls her eyes, when he is asleep that is.”

❁”...he takes in her vanilla scented cologne.” should be,”...she takes in his vanilla scented cologne.”

❁”I'll not leave you” should be,”I won't leave you”
❁”Go to sleep,” She commands and walks away.” should be,”Go to sleep,” she commands and walks away.”

❁”Am I causing to trouble to you guys?” should be,”Am I causing trouble for your guys?”

Flow 11/15–Your flow is just amazing, and I really enjoyed it. The only part that I felt your flow was rather shaky was when you introduced the whole mafia agency and stuff. This is because, you just literally threw a whole different sense of your story. I felt like you should have added some foreshadowing about Yunho and Changmin being in the mafia business or some sort. For example, having Yunho answer a suspicious call. Or Changmin almost blurting out his secret when he has that fever. I don't know just something, after chapter one, I felt like your were just really rushing since everything seemed more rushed than usual. Were you on a deadline, or were you like rushing so that it fit exactly into three chapters? I just felt like it was going really fast. The first chapter's flow was perfect, but then your second and third chapter went a bit too fast.

Enjoyment 4/5–I personally really enjoyed this story, but the only thing I didn't like is that you sometimes don't correctly mention your subject and just automatically go straight to pronouns. Another thing is that you sorta rushed the ending a little bit. But overall, I really enjoyed your story. It was really interesting and I was really attracted since usually, I'm not attracted to stories that don't have any interesting suspense or some sort.

Structure 4/5–In your first chapter, towards the end, there is the section with the following,”Ah.” He coos. “You like her.”, and the rest of the paragraph, the font size reduced from the original size. I think this was probably a reluctant mistake that you probably didn't do. Maybe Asianfanfictions did this. I just wanted to notice this since it didn't seem that you did.

Specific Advice Wanted:

Requester commented: I want to know if I drag on to one topic, if it's too long and if it catches a readers attention.

Reviewer reply: I absolutely don't think you drag on to one topic whatsoever, you do an amazing job at transitioning and you know exactly when to start a new topic and when to not to. You don't over describe a topic or focus too much on it, you give each topic the right amount of information needed. This is part of the reasons why you caught my attention so much. Although your story didn't have much suspense as I would have liked it to, it really caught my attention and that has made up for it. You just write in this way that's just so neat and organized that I can't help but keep reading. Usually, I'm always bored out with stories that have quite long chapters, such as yours, but this time, I wasn't bored what so ever.

Overall 86/100–The only thing you need to work on is slowing down a bit and not having due dates pressure you and ruining your story, and your grammar and spelling. I personally feel like your subjects aren't quite compelled correctly. I mean, you automatically start with a pronoun without introducing the noun first, that just can't happen. Especially when you have more than one character. Because of this, I was quite confused when you were talking about either Changmin or Yunho.