rivalie and tillynilly and feelseu
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
Definition of Blind
About: action, infinite, myungsoo, sungjung, suspence, ljong, myungjong
Bleu
Finished on 2/28/2014
Title 5/5–Your title is really creative and one of a kind, it gives the perfect amount of information for your story. I really love how you immediately talked about this topic in your foreword, you didn't wait to explain it, you explained it write away. Which is good cause it is supposed to be relevant to your whole story. Another thing is, you gave us a simple explanation in the foreword. The title I feel is perfect for your story, it gives us a hint of the survival part in your story, and another hint about Sungjong's life style. And how to him, everything is blind.
Foreword 8/10–First thing I noticed when I looked at your description is a major problem. I noticed that you double spaced after each period. I don't know if you did this on purpose, or if you did this on accident without noticing. Technically, double-spacing isn't bad, since that sorta is what we're supposed to do but we just haven't caught up with that style. Usually if you're writing like, college-entrance essays you would double-space. In your situation though, double-spacing isn't bad, it's just that by doing so, you messed up you're whole format. Expecially in the second line, that sentenced look completely out of order compared to your rests. I suggest fixing that. Another thing is, I feel like your foreword looks rather, blank. Instead of just having it as like a paragraph, have you thought of double spacing after each sentence? And possibly make it a light gray so it could have so design to it? When I first read your foreword, I noticed that you mentioned you had more than 15 characters, that really made me shiver...cause whenever people have that many characters they tend to get side-tracked and in the end completely ignore them. I noticed that you had an extra fore-shadowing sentence at the very end of the chapter, I personally wouldn't have noticed it I wasn't procrastining, yes, I'm a major procrastinator, and I was like constantly staring at your foreword chapter. I feel like that should be higher up in your story, cause I'm pretty sure anybody could miss that sentence, expecially if they're just reading your foreword to see if your story is worth to read or not. I really like how well you used repetition, I just feel like it would sound less choppy if you add some extra elements of literature.
❁”To Sungjung, the world is blind. Blind is a word that holds many meanings. To be blind is to be visionless. To be blind is to be uncontrolled. To be blind is to be hidden and to be aimless. To blind is to cover, to hide, to shock, to cheat and to trap. Blind is a word that holds many meanings. And to Sungjong, the world is all of them, but something Sungjong doesn't realize is that perhaps, he's the one who's blind.” should be,”To Sungjong, the world is blind. Blind is a word that holds many different meanings. To be blind is to be visionless. To be blind is to be uncontrolled. To be blind is to be hidden, and to be aimless. To blind something is to cover, to hide, to shock, to cheat, and to trap. Blind is a word that holds many different meanings. And to Sungjong, the world is all of those meanings, but something Sungjong doesn't realize is that perhaps, he's the one who's blind.”
The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was because there was just some choppy parts. First thing is the double spacing of course, I mean, there's nothing grammartically wrong with double spacing, it just made your format really out of order, expecially the second line. Another thing is, when you said “to blind is to cover etcetera” I think you should add more information, what are you blinding to be exact, which is why I added “something”. Another thing is, when you wrote “holds many meanings”, are the meanings the same but in a different word phrase? Lastly, when you said “the world is all of them” what is this “them”?
“Sungjong was naïve; his little snowglobe life shattered, and there was nothing he could do about it.” should be,”Sung jong was naive–his little snow globe life had shattered, and there was nothing he could do about it.”
The reason I had decided to change this sentence was because first, you used a semi-colon, a semi-colon is used to connect two causes together, and they both should either compare and contrast to each other, or have similar topics. Another thing is, the way you used a snow globe as an metaphor doesn't quite make sense, it just doesn't have like a nice image in my mind. Could you possibly use another item that's also fragile?
Plot 16/20–The way you started your story was really boring, there wasn't much excitement at all. And there were times where you had Dongwoo mixed up with someone else. Like when you used pronouns, it could have been either Sungjong, or his father. The way your story started just didn't seem right, it was just full of transitions, time skips, settings, all through the chapters. I wish you could have just like settled on one event, and got really deep with it. It's like you're just listening events that came to your mind. I feel like, you have too much symbolism and personification that it's distracting the readers away from the story itself. When I was reading this story, I was rather confused on what was going on in the beginning, you kept skipping and you didn't have much straightforward information on what was really going on. I personally feel like your story is rather cliché, to me, its more of like a survival game, I wish you have a lot more twists and and cliffhangers, there's nothing really interesting in your story at all in the first 6 chapters.
Characters 14/20–In chapter one, when Dongwoo is asking “why” at the age of two, the way you explained it made it seem really intellectual. But Dongwoo is only two, his morallity hasn't fully evolved into something that could think this intellectual. I think you should tone it down a bit, and make it seem like a two year old would actually think so. The way you introduced the characters, Jieun and Sulli's friend's friend's friend was super uninteresting. You just pretty much tossed away the other characters you introduced beforehand, Kai and Krystal, without giving much information about them either. I feel like the idea of having more than fifteen charactes is just too overwhelming, even for the top elite writers. I feel like you should shorten it to just being aroud 6-8 characters, no more, unless you're absolutely certain you can pull it off having each character being spontaneous.
Grammar and Spelling 17/20–In chapter one, you wrote “shortly after being conceived, began wailing to the high heavens”, I don't know if you know or not, but, when a baby is conceived, it doesn't mean that they were borned. Well, I don't know how to quite explain without sounded, childish. So, when a baby is conceived, it refers to the ual that happened right before the pregnancy started. So basically, the ual that made Sungjong. In th end, I noticed that you have an editor right? I don't think you understand what semicolon's(;) and dashs(-) are meant to do. Semicolons are meant to combine two causes together, these causes have to either compare and constrast, or they have to be really similar that they pretty much connect together. As for dashes, they connect two causes as well, but usually, these causes are the same topic, but instead of it being a period, it could be a dash instead. You don't have much grammar mistakes, besides from the really minor ones, which can pass really easily. It's up to you if you want to fix them, since after all, if you try to fix them, it won't make a difference really.
Flow 11/15–The way you started your story, the introduction, was really slow. There was nothing interesting nor was there anything different than the usual cliché stories. Your flow is really choppy at times, expecially when you try to introduce a new character. They pretty much pop out of no where, and they don't even have a major importance in your story. Also, you have times where your events are so obscurely hinted that you can't even tell.
Enjoyment 2/5–I wasn't a major fan of this story, since it was just really boring to me. And the important parts in your story was really well obscured. Since it was so vaguely described that I couldn't even tell what's going on. For example, when a character died, I had to read it like five times to see if I was thinking correctly. Another thing is, you just have too many timeskips in the first few chapters, you should just stick with a single event describe crystal clear. Expecially in your introductory chapters, cause they were expecially boring. You didn't have much twists or cliff-hangers, and it was like reading another Hunger Games to me.
Structure 4/5–I noticed that you write in the style of double-spacing, there is nothing wrong with it, like I had said in the foreword, but in your situation, it messed up your format. It made your spacings uneven, cause there were some that were doubed, and then there was some that was tripled. Another thing is, there were times where it seemed like your sentence spacings were almost like squished together, did you possible copy and paste your writing from a different program? Besides from this, your paragraph spacings are okay, and your font size, type, and color is perfect the way it is.
Overall 77/100–To me, your story was like another version of Hunger Games. The way you started your stories up to chapter 6 made your story really imporantant, it ruined the momentum your foreword had created for me. I personally was super entranced from your foreword, but as soon as I got reading it just went down hill from there. You had so many timeskips in the end you never focused on one important event and described it in details. Another thing is, whenever you're writing an important event, it's so vague that it's almost impossible to recognize it until re-reading about 5 times.
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