Ludos
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/659609/ludos-fluff-highschool-exo-kai-teenlove

About: Kai(Exo)+OC, romance, high school, playboy

Ahri
Finished 5/17/14

Title: 5/5 Without reading your foreword, one would never figure out what the title means. It's so creative and simple. It looks like it doesn't require much thinking over it, but you did do research to find John Lee to make this connection.

Foreword: 10/10 The description introduces the title which then leads to the foreword which introduces the plot. This is a very well-organized way of hooking the readers in and telling them what the story is about without giving out the whole plot. The bottom part that's in Italic stands out well, and I feel like I am in the scene with Kai and the OC, and I can imagine the night sky (probably also because of your background image) and I can feel the magic of that moment.

The bottom where your wrote the comments of your reviewers like what a real author would do with his or her book is also creative.

Plot: 18/20 First of all, I love how you have side-plots instead of focusing the whole story on Violet falling for Kai and vice versa. Kris and Hyo Ri are definitely great additions to the whole drama. Okay, your base plot is cliché, and the characters are not very helpful. The sideplots change things a bit but not that much because no matter what, it's still Kai playing with Violet, though I like how it's a game for both of them. The fact that Violet is using Kai against Amy is different from the normal boy-plays-girl, so points for that. Since your base plot is already set down, I don't really see how you can change it anymore, but just remember to add twists that are creative and uncommon. Just don't have Violet become pregnant or something big like that.

Specific Advice: From what I have seen so far about the conflicts, I kind of see Kai falling for Violet. I don't know if this is the real conflict you're talking about, but I only see him falling for Violet while Violet is falling for Kris, and I think the readers notice this too. You make it pretty obvious, but Kai seems to be showing mixed feelings since he did kick Violet out from the auditions, and she could have gotten very close to her during that time. Well, your main conflict is very emphasized since most of the story is focused on that pairing.

Characters: 17/20 Where does Violet live? That's the one thing that is standing out because if she lives in Korea, then why does she have an English name and as well as her friends? You did state at the end of chapter five about Hyo Ri coming from America which is odd since she's coming from America, so shouldn't her name be in English? Or does Violet go to an international school in Korea?

I like Violet's strong-willed, stubborn nature, although it's not that unique among other OCs. So far, she seems like a normal girl who crushes on people, instead of the typical OC that fights against boys and turns everyone down. Kris is definitely a good factor in this equation between her and Kai since it's almost a love triangle, except I'm not sure if Kai actually fell for Violet in the first few chapters yet or not. It's obvious that Kris kind of likes her, but he has a girlfriend, which adds to your drama.

One thing about Violet that I don't like is how even Amy said that in her past, she had a lot of boys crushing on her. It can happen in real life, but it sounds so...I don't know, but if a lot of boys had crushes on me, instead of turning them away, I would be overjoyed, but that's up to personal preferences, I suppose. The thing is, it makes her sound like a mary-sue. Maybe specifying what they liked her for would tone down the mary-sueness? Maybe they like her for her eyes or mouth, or body?

Kai is a jerk, like the typical main-guy of every story, and he and Violet had a rough start in their relationship. There's nothing new about that. I suppose the phone-switching and pranking is uncommon among stories with this theme, but I wish there was something different about Kai that stands out, and I'm not talking about his parents not being home. I wish there is a trait in Kai that is not the same as the typical playboy.

Grammar and Spelling: 18/20 You have run-on sentences and incomplete sentences; I'm not really sure what's going on because, for example, you have a sentence like "She wants to look good, it's their first week." Never separate two complete sentences with a comma. Always use a period or semi-colon. Then you have imcomplete sentences like "Seeing those older girls being scary." There's no subject. It's obvious who the subject is, but you still have to have either a noun or pronoun, because that's grammar for you. Otherwise, your grammar and spelling are pretty good except for a few typos.

Chapter three P(aragraph)11 "Is his parents dead?" should be 'Are his parents dead?'

Chapter four P38 "Chanyeol hyung have to go..." should be "Chanyeol hyung had to go...'

Chapter five P53 "...at Kai for his misbehavour earlier." should be '...at Kai for his misbehavior earlier.'

Flow: 14/15 Your first chapter is fine. Since Violet meeting Kai didn't happen right away from the beginning, it's acceptable. Then, the rest of the chapters are pretty normal high school stuff, but there is one thing that stands out. I look for background stories in all the stories I've reviewed. While you do give a glimpse of Violet's life, you need to include her setting or other background information with your story. You do give descriptions, but there isn't much on her home. All we see most of the time is her school. Try to show us MORE of what her home is like the first few chapters.

Your flow could use a little speeding up. In your foreword, you stated that Violet's best friend betrayed her. This could come in in chapter five or the end of chapter four, and then you can move on with Violet's revenge.

Enjoyment: 3/5 The plot is lively, but your words don't have that much spice in them. Violet feels distant, like I can't quite reach out to her. A very important part of a story is to have characters that the readers can reach out to and hold on.

Structure: 4/5 In a story, always write out numbers that are lower than ten. Otherwise, everything is neat and organized.

Overall: 89/100 Your plot has some interesting shifts here and there, especially the side-plots. The place where you got the most points off is your character section. They feel so lifeless because you don't add spice in your words. I can feel them, but I can't hold them. Write from their shoes and imagine yourself in their place.