Almost Heaven
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/671125/almost-heaven-angst-drama-romance-you-exo-exok-baekhyun

About: Baekhyun(Exo)+OC. romance, drama, angst, ataxia

Katrina
Finished 3/22/14

Title: 4/5 The title is somewhat unique, but I think you can do a lot better.

Foreword: 7/10 You switch your tenses a few times along the foreword, so make sure to keep it the same. You also have a few run-on sentences. The thing most people don't understand is that you can not place a comma anywhere you want in the sentence. You have to have a conjunction before the comma or a pause like "He breathed heavily, his chest rising and falling dramatically." Otherwise, great start to the story; very detailed and very informative without giving away everything.
1. P(aragraph)1 "With a deep breathe..." should be "With a deep breath..."
2. P1 "...a piece of beautiful red rose." should be '...a beautiful red rose." Since "a piece" sounds awkward because a piece of a rose would be a leaf or a petal, not a whole rose, which is what I'm guessing you're trying to convey.
3. P4 "...which made her blushing." should be '...which made her blush.'
4. P5 "...wedding day with someone she really love..." should be '...wedding day with someone she really loves...'
5. P7 "...stormed into the kitchen with an excited smile to heard she was squealing..." should be '...ran into the kitchen with an excited smile as he heard her squaling...'
6. P8 "Take a deep breathe..." should be "Take a deep breath..."
7. P8 "...was just giving a full support although he had to held..." should be '...was just comfort her although he had to hold...'
8. P8 "...gratefully, that wasn't too long before both couple..." should be '...gratefully. It wasn't too long before the young couple...'
9. P8 "...nurse and clean him up." should be '...nurse to clean him up.'
10. P10 "...in both sick and happiness." should be '...in both sickness and happiness."
11. P10 "But does forever is as long as they hoped?" should be 'But is forever as long as they hoped?'

Plot: 18/20 While the plot is somewhat cliché, the way you write it makes up for it, but chapter three is too common. I understand that you need to put in a situation where something happens to Sunhee, like her not coming out of the bathroom, but the amusement park is very overused. It couldn't have beena hiking trip or something else that noone uses? I know it's not as romantic or fun as an amusement park, but it's very common and doesn't have the romanctic magic anymore since it occurs in every story that there really isn't anything unique about it unless it somehow gets set on fire or any other tragedy happens.

Characters: 20/20 Amazing characters. You describe their (Baekhyun and Sunhee) feelings, fears, anger, and love for each other and their son so beautifully that I can actually feel grief for Sunhee. I can relate to the characters and view them as people I know in real life. I can imagine them as my neighbors. I can imagine them living in the same world as I am. The way you write them out is so poignant that it pains the heart to know that Sunhee can die in the end, that tragedy could strike the young couple. Great job with this.

Grammar and Spelling: 16/20 Like I said in the foreword, do not use a comma to separate two sentences without conjunctions. Always use a semi-colon or period. Always use the same tense for verbs in past tense, unless you have two verbs next to each other (only for past tense though). For example, "He liked to ran" would be "He liked to run" because they are next to each other, so the second verb would be in present tense. If your story is in present tense, it is different. "He liked to run" would become "He likes to run". When you have two verbs next to each other with a conjunctions separating them, they have to be the same. "She stood up and running" is incorrect and should be "She stood up and ran". You have some problems with plural and singular words. You tend to mess up "were and was". Remember 'were' is for when there are more than one thing or person. Like "They were running" while one person would be "She was running". The same goes for "is and are". "Are" is the present tense of "were" while "is" would be the present tense of "was".

Prologue, P1 "...he wasn't feeling like getting up every sun rose." should be '...he didn't like getting up everyday when the sun rose.'
2. P7 "...used not to smile a lot that people call him cold, but it becoming a lot..." should be '...used to hide his smile, causing people to call him cold, but he started showing it more often...'
3. P11 "I fell down in a quick sudden." should be "I fell down suddenly."
4. P11 "I think the floor is slippery either which I don't really know." should be "I think the floor is slippery, but I don't know."
5. P12 "...slippery floor wasn't exactly sound right..." should be 'Slippery floor didn't sound right.'

Chapter one, P15 "He loved her cooks..." should be 'He loved her cooking...'
2. "Sleepingover" is actually two words. "Sleeping over" or you can write "Sleepover" instead.
3. "Stuff" also can not have a 's' even though it is plural. It's special.
4. P51 "Baekhyun was the most one who worried." should be 'Baekhyun was the most worried one.'
5. P52 "he was so panic that he couldn't almost do anything at that moment." should be 'He was panicking so much that he almost couldn't do anything at that moment.'
6. P53 "...everyone were quietly waiting..." should be '...everyone was quielty waiting...'
7. P55 "...your wife is having ataxia." should be "...your wife has ataxia."

Chapter two, P3 "...she used to be involved in a car accident..." should be '...she was involved in a car accident...'
2. P3 "...could happened because of another possible reasons." should be '...could had happened because of other reasons.'
3. Don't use "cook" in place of "food or dish" because that's wrong.
 

Flow: 14/15 You wrote about Sunhee fainting already in the prologue, making that seem more like chapter one instead because the prologue is supposed to be about events that happen before the timeline to kick start the story. Your foreword should have been the prologue instead. Otherwise, great flow after that small part.

Enjoyment: 5/5 Despite the grammar mistakes, I really enjoyed the way you wrote this story so far. It shows that you actually tried to write well.

Structure: 4/5 In a story, the general rule is that when you write numbers, any number below 10 is written out in words, and any number higher than 10 is kept as a number. Keep that in mind because I have seen a few times where you didn't follow this rule. Second, when writing a story, only one person should speak in each paragraph because it makes it easier to read.

Overall: 88/100 There are so many details bringing the plot and characters together. While the grammar is off, you make up for it tremendously with your passionate characters. I love the way you pull your readers' heartstrings with the amazing details you place in the story, bringing the beauty of the story along, giving the readers a sight of what true love and pain is.