Recha_L
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
Voice Of Silence
About: Taemin(SHINee)+Minho(SHINee), 2min, minho, romance, shinee, , taemin,
Bleu
Finished on 5/7/2014
Title 3/5–I really didn't see the huge relevancy with this title. Although it was eye-catching and unique, I didn't see the huge relevancy there is within this story. I don't know if you didn't get to it yet, since you're on hiatus and all, or it's just so deep I couldn't find it. I understand the Voice part because Minho has the ability to hear the voices in someones head. But the Silence I was a little bit confused about, you didn't talk about Silence that much the whole story, and I was just really wondering what you meant by that.
Foreword 10/10–I really like your description and foreword, you follow the format that is ideal to me. Have your description be the one that automatically grabs the readers attention, and then have your foreword be the one that finally gives the reader the information about the story. Also, your description is really amazing, although I was a little unsure at first, it turned out really great. Something else I would like to point out is that I really like the font size and italicizing the description, it really adds the flare that it needs.
Plot 15/20–The plot was a little bit confusing to me, there was just so many elements, fluff, romance, angst, and a little bit of mystery and horror. I really was lost about where this plot was going, especially since there was just so many factors to put it, and a few plot holes as well. Something I was really confused about was Minho's “curse”, it didn't make as big of an impact as I had thought it was. The plot wasn't that centered around it, and I felt like, you had completely forgot that the curse was the center of rotation. I really was confused about what was going on, because you really threw a lot of stuff at me in the first chapter. I feel like, you should slow down the pace a little bit, and make sure you describe stuff before you go onto another. Also, the whole idea of Minho finding Taemin almost being was a little bit...too eccentric? I don't know really. I can't think of a word, but it made me a little bit creeped out.
Characters 14/20–I want you to emphasize more on Minho's personality and his “curse”, how did he get it? Was it birth related? Was it accident related? I know you may have mentioned this later in the story, but I think it would be best to add it in the first few chapters, this way, the readers won't think this story will have a lot of plot holes.
Another thing I would like to say is that, how is this “curse”, bad for Minho? In the beginning chapter, I really don't see any of the bad things Minho has heard because of this curse. I want you to emphasize more on what's wrong with this curse for Minho, and give examples of the hardships he has been through because of this curse. Give examples, give details, give anything that will make your story more visionary.
I really felt like Key didn't make much of an impact to this story, I just really didn't see the importance in him at the first two chapters. It was almost as if he was just this character you added in to have more characters, there was really nothing that exciting about it, neither did the plot really involve him at all. I don't really get, I mean, I understand the idea of having that “sidekick”, but, Key really didn't make much of an impact to me. I felt like you were just grouping him up with Minho all the time, like he didn't even have his own unique personality.
Grammar and Spelling 11/20–Something I noticed constantly over and over again in all your characters is that you never put an ending punctuation at the end of your sentences, I always wonder to myself, was this on purpose or were you doing this without noticing? That's what I really wonder. Well anyway, to refresh your brain of what you should have learned, you should always have an ending punctuation; let it be a period, quotation mark, question mark, or even a comma, at the end of your dialogue right before your last set of quotation marks.
Chapter One:
❁P(aragraph) 1,”Minho hurry up, I really don't want to be too late for this sale” should be,” should be,” Minho hurry up, I really don't want to be too late for this sale” should be.”
❁P(aragraph) 1,”I didn't know that you wanted to have a guitar this badly? If only you had told me I would have given you one in your birthday” should be,”I didn't know that you had wanted to have a guitar this badly. If only you had told me earlier, I would have gotten you one for your birthday.”
❁P(aragraph) 2, “I really hate that curse of yours” he grumbled “stop listening to my thoughts”, Minho laughed softly “If only it was possible” then a wicked gleam in his eyes he added...” should be,”I really hate that curse of yours,” he grumbled,”stop listening to my thought.” Minho laughed softly,”If only that was possible,” then with a wicked gleam in his eyes he added...”
❁P(aragraph) 3,”I've witnessed enough of your devious games to know how fun it can be for you” the disgust in his friend's ton made him chuckle “But I don't think the..” should be,”I've witnessed enough of your devious games to know how fun it can be for you,” the disgust in his friend's tone made him chuckle,”but I don't think the...”
❁P(aragraph) 4,”One has to take his pleasure where one can find it” he replied cheerfully” should be,”One has to take his pleasure wherever one can find it,” he replied cheerfully.”
❁P(aragraph) 5,”Yeah, you are right and you know what my pleasure would be?” he asked “To be the ONE who buy that damned guitar so move your and hurry up” should be,”Yeah, you are right, and you know what my please would be?” he asked,”to be the ONE who buys that damn guitar so move your and hurry up.”
❁P(aragraph) 6,”Okay, if you want it this badly we will get you this guitar” he said “I've just recently discovered a shortcut that will have us out of here in the blink of an eyes, let's go” should be,”Okay, if you want it this badly, we will get you this guitar,” he said.” I've just recently discovered a shortcut that will have us out of here in the blink of an eye, let's go!”
❁P(aragraph) 11,”Yeah it's perfectly alright, everyone's studying right now and even if some might skip no one ever come near those deserted buildings, but if you are scared no one's keeping you” should be,”Yeah it's perfectly alright, everyone's studying right now and even if some might skip, no one ever comes near those deserted buildings anyway, but if you are scared no one's keeping you away.”
❁P(aragraph) 12,”Jung Woo the camera's ready, you can start now and be quick about it. We don't have the whole day ahead of us” should be,”Jung Woo the camera's ready, you can start now and be quick about it. We don't have the whole day ahead of us.”
❁P(aragraph) 13,”Shut up” Jung Woo who apparently was the leader replied “I've waited forever to finally have HIM under me, I will be damned if I am to be rushed now” should be,”Shut up,” Jung Woo who apparently was the leader replied “I've waited forever to finally have HIM under me, I will be damned if I am to be rushed now.”
Okay, you have way too many mistakes, if you haven't noticed by now, every paragraph has a mistake. This mistake though, has been repeated in every paragraph. And this mistake is the fact that you never add an ending punctuation, I don't know if this is on purpose or not, but you should really fix this. Or else the grammar is just not right, there is no arguing because I'm not wrong. It's the truth, the grammar is just wrong since you have no ending punctuations.
Flow 10/15–Hoooooldddd it there. Your flow is way too fast, in the first chapter, you just threw so much at me. I mean, first the whole introduction of Minho and Key, and Minho's curse. Then you add in the fact that Taemin was almost exploited on the Internet, and being almost by like 7 guys??? Just hold it there, you should really slow your pace down, or else I'll get really confused. For example, when you introduced the moment, I personally didn't know what was going on until I had to re-read it, this is mainly because there were barely any transitions.
Enjoyment 1/5–Like I had said before, I wasn't a huge fan of this story, mainly because of the constant grammar mistakes and punctuation mistakes that had really irritated me. But also because this story had little to no transitions and it was really hard for me to comprehend all of these events you threw out, speaking of throwing out events, you have got to slow down a lot more or else I'll just get more confused on what I already am. Also, I really didn't get the whole character Key was supposed to play, there really wasn't that much importance to me about him. Even if he was sorta like that “sidekick” he just didn't make an imprint to my heart really.
Structure 4/5–Instead of having apostrophes outside of the thought lines, you should just leave the apostrophes out. Keep the italicizing and just end the thought lines with a comma or period if you're continuing on. You really don't need the apostrophes, so just leave it be, or else the readers will think the reason was talking instead of thinking.
Overall 68/100–I had a hard time comprehending this story, mainly because there was just so many things you threw at me in the first chapter. First you introduce Minho's curse and everything, and there were a lot of potholes that I had to try to fill in, and then magically, you added the scene where Taemin was almost or . I really wish you could slow down a little bit more, and PLEASE, PLEASE, I'm begging you, add punctuations to the end of your sentences or dialogues please. It's really bothering me. Another thing I would like to say, is that, what is Key actually? Is he supposed to be one of the main characters? Or a sidekick, if so, what's so interesting about him? How should he make an impact to the story?
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