cookiesshi
❁Crimson Twilight Review Shop❁ {PAUSED/Finishing requests}
Love Revolution.
About: arranged marriage, fluff, jungyonghwa, parkshinhye, romance, yongshin, dooleycouple
Bleu
Finished on 3/22/2014
Title 1/5–I don't see how your title is relevant to the story one bit, I don't know if this is cause I only reviewed your story up to the 5th chapter, but judging by the chapter names etc, I just don't seem how it's relevant. Could you possibly tell me how it's supposed to be relevant when you read this? Cause I personally have no clue. I feel like you just picked this title because it looked “nice”, and I guess the “revolution” could refer to how Yonghwa has three roles in this story. Also, you should never a period ending a title, it is just a phrase, not a sentence, or anything that is in need of an ending punctuation.
Foreword 6/10–Okay in the next few sentences, these are just my perspective from JUST having read your foreword, I have not read any further, so I have a vague amount of information. What I wonder is, is Lee Shin and Yonghwa supposed to be two different people? Or is Yonghwa pretending to be Lee Shin, since his fraternal twin, who I assume is Lee Shin, died? I guess I was a little confused, does this story like, is Lee Shin, Yonghwa, and Shin Woo going to be three separate different people? Or is Yonghwa pretending to be all three of these people? Okay now onto another subject, you have troubles with your endings. Like, sometimes you use the wrong endings, for example, you use the ending -ing, instead of -ed, or no ending at all. It might not seem an important factor to you, but it actually really is. Cause it helps determine what the character is doing, and whether or not it's talking about the past or the present. Your foreword is really confusing to me, cause first there's Lee Shin, who I assume is Shinhye's crush well bias, and he's the main vocalist of The Stupid. Then there's Yonghwa, now you mentioned his fraternal brother had died and he has to go into an arranged marriage with Shinhye. What I wonder is, is his fraternal brother Shin Woo or Lee Shin? I believe that it's Lee Shin, but you haven't mentioned Shin Woo once, so I'm secretly wishing it's Shin Woo instead. Whenever you use the word “was”, it means that they used to be this subject, meaning they aren't anymore. Like for example, you wrote,”She was a huge fan girl”, since you used was, it means that she's not a huge fan girl anymore, since was is past tense, meaning it's all in the past. That's why you should always use is instead.
❁”Park Shinhye was in her early 20s, living an ordinary life as a final year college student major in writing. Coming from a middle class family, she was a very hardworking and positive beautiful girl, but with her own temper sometimes. Just like other girls at her age, she was a huge fan girl of the hottest rock idol and band, The Stupid and her bias was the charm vocalist, Lee Shin. Childish side of her, sometimes she breathed and lived for The Stupid and her prince charming, Lee Shin.” should be,”Park Shinhye is in her early 20's, living an ordinary life where she is majoring in writing in her last year of college. She came from a middle class family, and is very hardworking and positive beautiful girl, but she also has a short temper. Like any other girl at her age, she is a huge fan of the hottest rock band, The Stupid, and her bias was none other than the charismatic vocalist, Lee Shin. She may seems uptight but she also has a childish side, she breathed and lived for just The Stupid, and her prince charming, Lee Shin.”
❁”Jung Yonghwa was also in his early 20s, was the only prince of Mr and Mrs Jung after the death of Yonghwa's fraternal twin. From a cheerful person, Yonghwa's personality changed after losing his only brother. Giving up on his dream, he helped his father managing the biggest company in Korea. As an obedient son, he followed everything his parents asked him to do, including an arranged marriage at such a young age.” should be,”Jung Yonghwa is also in his early 20's, he is the only child of Mr. and Mrs. Jung after the death of Yonghwa's fraternal twin. Yonghwa's personality had completely changed after losing his brother. Giving up on his dream, he helped his father manage the biggest company in Korea. As the obedient son he was, he followed everything his parents asked him to do, including an arranged marriage at such a young age.
❁”Shinhye was closed to Yonghwa's twin brother but never to Yonghwa as he always bullied her when they were little. Doing it for her mother, Shinhye agreed to marry him. What happened when Yonghwa knew Shinhye's little secret about being in a fandom and in the same time, Shinhye was trying Yonghwa to achieve his own dream that he gave it up long time ago?” should be,”Shinhye was rather close to Yonghwa's twin brother, but never to Yonghwa as he had always bullied her when they were little. Doing it for her mother, Shinhye had agreed to marry him. What happens when Yonghwa knew about Shinhye's little crush on The Stupid and Lee Shin? And in the same time, Shinhye is trying to help Yonghwa to achieve his own dream, the dream he had given up on a long time ago.
Plot 17/20–In chapter one, you see Suzy trying to get Shinhye's attention and she says “Jokkoman”, what is Jokkoman? Do you mean Jakkuman? You should find the correct spelling of the Korean phrases that you are using, and you should, somewhere in your story, preferably the ending of a chapter, you have like a glossary of any Korean phrases you used, and the definitions beside them. Because, I personally have never heard of Jakkuman, let alone Jokkoman, and there might be some people who haven't heard it either. And since you probably didn't even spell it correctly, even if they tried to search up jokkoman, they won't find any definition since it isn't the actual spelling. I feel like the moment when Shinhye walked up upon Yonghwa changing is so overused and cliché, anybody has seen that moment happen, it's not a surprise at all. It's almost every Korean drama and there just isn't much excitement. Another thing is, you really need to work on your transitions, cause around chapter 4 or 5, you see Yonghwa checking up on Shinhye cause she was screaming, but it was actually cause of The Stupid, and the next scene, they're in a car or something? What just happened there? I don't believe I had skipped a scene though.
Characters 16/20–The whole idea of Yonghwa being in three roles is really overwhelming, but also unique at the same time. There's the Yonghwa from Heartstrings, the Yonghwa from You're Beautiful, and the actual Jung Yonghwa. I really love this concept, but I wonder, how come Park Shinhye doesn't see the resemblance between Yonghwa/Shinwoo to Lee Shin? Does Lee Shin look that different in this story? Another thing is, I noticed that you mentioned in the foreword that Park Shinhye was from a middle class family, but by the way you had described it in the story it felt more like a lower-class to me. Cause the way Shinhye's mother almost broke down felt like there was more trouble than what meets the eyes, and a middle-class family wouldn't exactly have the problems Shinhye's family is having currently. For example, only have rice four times a week, and a rather small house. The thing I really wonder is Yonghwa's mother, you gave really little detail of her, and I felt like she would have been like the center of comedy in the whole fanfiction, cause she's the lovable, troublemaker, in the story I feel. It's like that mother in Playful Kiss, she does funny tricks to have her son and “lover” interact etc.
Grammar and Spelling 16/20–Your most important grammar problem is your word endings, you tend to use the wrong endings a lot. An ending of a word would be like -ing, -ed, -es, etc. They may not seem to be that important to some people, but it actually is. Not only does it change the tone of a sentence, it also changes the way the readers think while reading, and of course, the tense of the paragraph. That's why I think you should really look throughout your story and make sure you used the write endings all over your story. Another thing is, you have a few run-off sentences that I think can be easily fixed. Another one of your major problems is just the way you chose to write the story, the moments when you decide to use Korean phrases. Sometimes you use the wrong spelling, and you sometimes use phrases that are rare so not a lot of people know about them. I feel like somewhere in your story, preferably the ending, you have like a glossary telling what all the Korean phrases you used in this chapter means. Cause if they try to Google it, there are some that aren't the actual spelling so they won't find an accurate definition. Another thing I want to point out, is in chapter 1, Yonghwa mentioned a time, where you wrote 1600, shouldn't that be 16:00?
❁”Shinhye stopped her steps, waiting for her best friend since high school. Even though Suzy was in the music department and Shinhye was in the language department, being friends since grade 9 could never drift them apart, no matter how intense the fight they have experienced before. “Yah, what's with these heels?” Shinhye looked at Suzy's bright gold high heels.” should be,”Shinhye stopped walking, and waited for her best friend since high school. Even though Suzy was now in the music department, and Shinhye was in the language department, having been friends since 9th grade could never drift them apart, no matter how many intense fights they have experienced before. “Yah, what's with those heels?” Shinhye looked at Suzy's bright, gold high heels.”
❁”I have dancing class today and we had to dance with our heels for today,” she pouted. “I forgot to bring my sneakers,” added Suzy.” should be,”I had dancing class today and we had to practice dancing with our heels,” she pouted,”and I had forgotten to bring sneakers to change,” added Suzy.
❁”Long lecture I had just now made me forgot about my oppas.” should be,”The long lecture I had just now made me forgot completely about my dear oppas.”
❁”Jung Yonghwa put his car keys and beg on the table before he landed his body on the king size bed. He massaged the back of his neck slowly while letting out a deep breath. While other men at his age went to college and having fun with their friends at this hour, he was on the bed, exhausted after attending tons of meetings with the clients.” should be,”Jung Yonghwa threw his car keys and bag on the table before he jumped onto his king sized bed. He massaged the back of his neck while slowly inhaling and exhaling a deep breath. While other men at his age went to college, and were having fun with their friends at this hour, he on the other hand, was on the bed, exhausted after attending tons of meetings with his clients.”
There are more mistakes, but they are just mistakes that are being repeated constantly, just follow what I said in the grammar and spelling section and read throughout your story and fixing any of the mistakes you find. After all, I don't feel obligated to fixing every single mistake you make, cause if I do, there would be a huge page of it. And you won't gain any knowledge.
Flow 13/15–Your flow is perfect, I love the pace you have right now and there really isn't any choppy moments I have to complain about. The only thing though is your transitions, there was this time that there was such a huge gap in the middle that I was lost. That time was when Yonghwa was checking upon Shinhye when she was supposedly screaming in danger, but she was actually listening to The Stupid's new album, after that event you jumped immediately to the car scene where Shinhye puked, and I'm like, wait what. I thought we were in Shinhye's room.
Enjoyment 3/5–I guess you could say I enjoyed this story, there was just a few boring parts that I could really care less for, for example, the events when Shinhye was with I believe Yonghwa's friends, including Jonghyun and Minhyuk. I could have cared less for it, not because it was boring or it was irrelevant, but just because there was nothing exciting about it, it didn't really do much to evolving the plot and it didn't really make an impact to me.
Structure 5/5–Your structure was perfect the way it is, your paragraph spacings are perfect and it isn't too much or is it too little. They are all clustered and it isn't wide-spread, meaning it's very consistent and you kept one pattern the whole story. Another thing is, your font size, type, color was perfect, there wasn't anything wrong with your structure what so ever, the only thing I would prefer is for your chapter titles to not be a sentence, but more of a short phrase or a word.
Overall 77/100–I have mixed feelings about this story, the main thing I wanna warn you about is the current way you're using Korean phrases, I really really really think you should give the definitions about them, cause sometimes you spell them wrong and it makes the readers unable to search the definition. Another thing is, the idea of Yonghwa playing three different roles is rather overwhelming, but unique itself.
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