Just the Way You Are

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/722521/just-the-way-you-are-baekyeol

About: baekyeol

Bleu
Finished on 7/22/2014

Chapters Read 1/1

Author Note–Hello, this is Bleu also known as iShiroKins, the reason I'm writing an author's note is because I've realized that you must be quite upset of how late this review is. Please be assured that we did not forget you, or was it because we were lazy and didn't want to work on your review. We have exactly all of the requests in order. Although this isn't a proper or acceptable excuse for having a late request, the reasons why we've been so backed up is because of the following...Okay, so in April-May a lot of members went on vacation and so on, and then, when they came back, it was not long for them to have their finals. This really gave us the worse situation ever, I'm sure you guys, as fellow authors, know how hard it is to balance Asianfanfiction and school finals. I do not think this will be a good enough excuse or apology for you to look away from this mess-up, but please know that we had no means of showing disrespect or ignorance to this review.

Title 4/5–Your title is really relevant to the story. I love how it literally speaks the main idea of the story. Baekhyun wants to change, to change so badly so she can get laid. She wants to follow the bandwagon and lose their ity. But Chanyeol on the other hand, thinks that she doesn't need to change to get laid. But, Baekhyun doesn't listen. I love how your title literally represents the main conflict of the story, great job on creating a title that's so relevant.

The only thing that I don't like about your title is that it's really cliché. I've seen so many stories with the exact same title that it's not even amusing anymore. And another thing is, there's a bunch of songs named after this too. I kind of wished you had a little bit more creative mind when making your title, but I guess it can't be helped.

Foreword 4/10–Who is supposed to be a girl and who is supposed to be a guy? Is Baekhyun the girl and Chanyeol is the guy? Or are they both supposed to be girls? In your character section, you said that it was a gender switch, but you never confirmed if both were gender switched or just one. I was really confused by this cause I had absolutely no information about what the genders of the main characters were supposed to be. I really think you should put some more information or make it more clear which characters are supposed to be male and which were supposed to be female. Please make sure that this is clear, or else your readers will be confused and won't have the best interaction with your story–or they might even decide to not even bother giving your story a chance.

I'm really confused on what this page is really supposed to tell me. There really isn't any information given, I really wish like you just wrote this up in like 10 minutes without even thinking about anything. No description on the characters, the plot, the setting, or anything. There's nothing that's informing your readers. When I had first read the page, my first reaction was “Is that it?”. I really felt like you didn't even bother to waste an hour of your time to work on this page, there was nothing that looked like decent work, or having used a lot of effort or time on this.

You may not think that this page is important or anything. But remember, this is the first thing your readers will look at. They don't look at chapter one, they don't look at the cover, they don't look at the background, they focus on what's written. And in your case, barely anything. Writing a decent foreword that should at least take up an hour or so will majorly boost your story. Depending on your foreword/description, a reader might continue reading or they might just leave this page. I really think you should focus more on this page, since, if it wasn't my job to actually have to review this story, then I would definitely just leave without even reading or glancing at the first chapter. You should never, ever rush on the foreword. Your foreword represents how much effort you actually gave into your story. If you don't even bother to give any effort to your foreword, then your readers will probably believe that you didn't give any effort to the actual story. You should really re-think about your foreword, and how much it actually helps your readers to understand your story.

I don't think you quite understand how to format a description and foreword. You must remember that these two have to be connected someone, preferably about the same main topic. There are many different ways to format a description and foreword, but I'll just tell you the way I would do it. A description is meant to intrigue the reader, almost like luring its prey. You shouldn't have too much in the description, please remember to save some for the foreword as well. A description should just be like a quite passage, nothing too deep into the story. Now, after your description has lured in it's prey, it is now time for the foreword to capture it. A foreword should be the passage that gives the most information, but sometimes, you can also have it as an excerpt; monologue, poem, or quote. Please remember that this page must do the following; intrigue/attract readers, give the RIGHT amount of information to the readers, give your readers a positive attitude as they keep reading onward to the chapters, and lastly, this page shouldn't look too sloppy that it displeases the reader.

Giving just the right amount of information is something you seem to struggle with. Just like in the story “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” it has to be just right. It can't be too little, and it can't be too much. You should never ever give away the , twists, or cliffhangers of your story. Giving away these will completely remove all the suspense in the story.

Whenever you have author notes, credits, or anything that is irrelevant to the actual story you should always put it at the very end. Put the stuff that's relevant to the story as the first things your reader will read, and the stuff that's irrelevant as the last thing. In my preference, I would usually have a horizontal line separating the foreword and the irrelevant stuff. Make sure that the relevant and irrelevant don't get squished together, or else it will look messy and displeasing.

Vocabulary

Excerpt[x]–[NOUN] A passage or segment taken from a long word, such as a literary of musical composition, a document, or a film.

[VERB] To take (a part or passage) from a book, speech, play etc

[NOUN] A passage or quotation taken or selected from a book, document, film, or the like; extract

[VERB] To select or use (a passage or segment from a longer work)

[NOUN] A part or passage taken from a book, speech, play, etc, and considered on its own; extract

[VERB] To select or use material from (a longer work)

[VERB] To take or select(a passage) from a book, film, or the like

[VERB] To take or select passages from (a book, film, or the like); abridge by choosing representative sections.

Monologue[x]–[NOUN] A dramatic soliloquy

[NOUN] A literary composition in the form of a soliloquy

[NOUN] A continuous series of jokes or comic stories delivered by one comedian

[NOUN] A long speech made by one person, often monopolizing a conversation.

[VERB] To give or perform a monologue

[VERB] To address a monologue to

[NOUN] (Theater) A long speech made by one actor in a play, film, etc, esp when alone

[NOUN] (Theater) A dramatic piece for a single performer

[NOUN] Any long speech by one person, esp when interfering with conversation

[NOUN] A dramatic or comic piece spoken entirely by a single performer

[NOUN] Any composition, as a poem, in which a single person speaks alone

Poem[x]–[NOUN] A verbal composition designed to convey experiences, ideas, or emotions in a vivid and imaginative way, characterized by the use of language chosen for its sound and suggestive power and by the use of literary techniques such as meter, metaphor, and rhyme.

[NOUN] A composition in verse rather than in prose.

[NOUN] A literary composition written with an intensity or beauty of language more characteristic of poetry than of prose

[NOUN] A creation, object, or experience having beauty suggestive of poetry.

Quote[x]–[VERB] To repeat or copy the words of (another), usually with acknowledgment of the source

[VERB] To cite or refer to for illustration or proof

[VERB] To repeat a brief passage or excerpt from

[VERB] To state (a price) for securities, goods, or services

[NOUN] A quotation

[NOUN] A quotation mark

[NOUN] Used by a speaker to indicate the beginning of a quotation

[NOUN] A dictum; a saying

Correction(s)

1) Mistake–“Baekhyun needs to get laid so she decides that a tad bit change would do the trick. Chanyeol, her slightly erted best friend insists that she should just stay the same.”

1) Correction–“The necessity of getting laid. Losing your ity. Losing your woman-hood. Baekhyun thought that this necessity needed to be fulfilled in her life sooner or later–deciding that a tad bit of change would do the trick. Chanyeol, her slightly erted best friend insists that she was perfect just the way she is.

Plot 15/20–Never, ever put authors notes in the middle of a sentence. For example,”According to the said Danish (or is it German?)...” You should not have that parentheses passage, it is absolutely unprofessional and it looks terrible. If you were going to ask a question like that, at least take the time to research on what nationality it is or you could have just left it out.

Never ever have parentheses and writing inside the parentheses are like inside-jokes. That is a horrible habit. For example, (he demanded for a spare key), (he threw a fit), (a change is a change), etc etc. This is a really bad thing to do. You shouldn't have to resort to using parentheses when you can easily just write it instead. Using parentheses like this is horrible, and it makes your readers displeased at your story as well. Please re-think about this and how you would feel if you read a story like this.

Overall, I was quite confused on what was really happening your story. I understood how Baekhyun just wanted to be laid, and how Chanyeol thought that she was perfect the way she was. But I didn't understand the rising action and falling action. It was like, there was just no transition and I got really bored out in the middle and whatnot. I think you should lessen the amount of events you have, since there are quite a few that just seem out of placed. It's like you wanted your story to feel longer, or you didn't feel like you had a lot going on so you just added some extra effects. I think that, a short story can be as good or even better than a long one.

Characters 12/20–I don't really know about your characters to tell you the truth. You have way too many characters in my opinion. I understand how you want to have everyone in EXO in your story, but sometimes, little is just enough. In your case, because you have so many characters, I can't really tell who is the main and minor characters. I can't see the potential at all in your characters.

Because you have so many characters, they're really overwhelming Baekhyun and Chanyeol. And because of this, I feel no impact whatsoever from them. I really think you should focus more on these two characters and less on others. I would think that, if there is a character that you don't think that is really necessary you don't have to completely scrape him off of the script, but just not include his name.

There is really little character development, in my opinion, I felt like Baekhyun was Baekhyun and Chanyeol was Chanyeol the whole story. There wasn't really anything that changed them, which was rather depressing. I really wished that there was just something more. Something that made them seem as if they've grown or something. I feel like developing character's can be really troublesome, when I know you sometimes have that feeling where you just want you character's to be how you want them to be. But they can, you just have to understand that in a story, a character must always learn something. Doesn't have to be anything important, but it just has to show some development.

Grammar and Spelling 19/20–You do a really great job at keeping a consistent grammar and spelling. The only thing that I would advise is for you to avoid using words such as “like, such, as” so much. Also, make sure to watch out for your parentheses since I'm not quite sure you know how to use them.

I feel like your grammar and spelling needs to be a little bit more versatile, you don't seem to quite understand the “synonyms” for commas. Commas aren't the only thing you can use, there are many others as well, such as...

Ellipses[...] are used to suggest hesitation, attempt to conceal something, signal a trailing or unfinished thought, indicate difficulty in directly expressing oneself, or denote the omission of part of an original material within a quotation. Different style guides have different rules regarding the use of ellipses.

Commas [,]should separate any two words or phrases in a series of three or more. When a dependent clause precedes an independent clause in a complex sentence, a comma should separate the two. The introductory words yes and no should best set apart by commas. Commas should offset nonrestrictive phrases and nonrestrictive clauses, which are groups of words that don't contain information that is needed to interpreting the meaning of the sentence. Commas should offset parenthetical expressions, words of direct address, and appositives. Use commas to separate a quotation from interrupting text. Use commas to separate a quotation from interrupting text. A comma should be used to separate a city from a state. In text, a comma should also follow the state. A comma should be used within dates to separate two textual elements or two numerical elements that appear next to each other. A comma should follow the salutation of an informal letter.

Semicolon[;] is used between two related, independent clauses. A semicolon can be used to precede conjunctive adverbs, such as however or therefore that connect sentence elements of equal rank. When a sentence has a series of elements that contains one or more commas, the division between the elements should be marked with a semicolon.

Colons[:] should be used to herald/signal/bring, something that immediately follows an independent clause. The colon should be used to separate hour from the minute when expressing standard time. A colon should be used between the title and subtitle of a book. A colon should follow the salutation of a formal letter. A colon can be used between two independent clauses if the second explains, expands upon, or illustrates a point made in the first.

Hyphens[-,–,—] should be used to divide a word at the end of a line when it is necessary for stylistic purposes and the entire word will not fit on one line. Words should be divided between syllables. Use hyphens with spelled-out compound numbers from twenty-one to ninety-nine if they function as adjectives. Use hyphens with fractions that are spelled out and used as adjectives. If one of the numbers in the fractions already has hyphens, don't use another one. A hyphen should be used to join many prefix to a proper adjective or a noun. There are some prefixes that should always be hyphenated. Hyphenate a compound adjective when it precedes the word it modifies and when doing so it helps clarity. Don't hyphenate if one of the modifiers is an adverb ending in –ly. Use hyphens to prevent confusion and awkwardness.

Parentheses [( )]are used to enclose supplementary or explanatory material that interrupts the main sentence. If the material within a pair of parentheses is a complete sentence that is not located within another sentence a period should be added before the closing parentheses. If the parentheses occur within a sentence, a period before the closing parentheses is unwanted.

Correction(s)

1) Mistake–“...I've only been dropping hints since Kindergarten...”

1) Correction–“...I've only been dropping hints since kindergarten...”

Enjoyment 2/5–Overall, I wasn't the hugest fan of this story. The grammar and spelling was pretty much perfect and really consistent throughout the whole story. The only things that I wasn't quite happy with was the transitions, paragraph breakage, etc. I really wish you were more versatile with your punctuations, I see commas over and over again. I really wish you had reduced the amount of characters you have in your story, there is just so many that it completely overwhelms your story and your main characters[Baekhyun and Chanyeol]. I was completely displeased with your foreword, there was nothing that intrigued me or informed me. I really think you should re-look at your basics before trying to do something new.

Structure 4/5–I think you need to work a lot on knowing when to start a new paragraph. I notice that you tend to have quite long paragraphs, this is mainly because you're not aware when to start new paragraphs. If you don't start a new paragraph then your readers will look at your story and be like,”What the **** is this?!” and then they'll probably just exit the page. This is what happens when you have clustered up paragraphs. Not only does it not look good, it also makes it hard to read and understand.

You should start a new paragraph whenever you have a...

1. When you begin a new idea or point. New ideas should always start in new paragraphs. If you have an extended idea that spans multiple paragraphs, each new point within that idea should have its own paragraph.

2. To contrast information or ideas. Separate paragraphs can serve to contrast sides in a debate, different points in an argument, or any other difference.

3. When your readers need a pause. Breaks between paragraphs function as a short “break” for your readers—adding these in will help your writing more readable. You would create a break if the paragraph becomes too long or the material is complex.

4. When you are ending your introduction or starting your conclusion. Your introductory and concluding material should always be in a new paragraph. Many introductions and conclusions have multiple paragraphs depending on their content, length, and the writer's purpose.

Specific Advice Wanted:

Requester Commented–flow, plot, characters

Reviewer Reply–Your flow is absolutely way too choppy, you have barely any transitions which makes your story really hard to read. It makes me feel like you're just jumping around. I really can't feel any connection with your events. Your ending was sort of already told in the beginning of the story, but I really felt like, once you had finished drafting your story you thought that maybe your story was too short or something. Then, you decided to add a bunch of more events so it would look filling. But trust me, sometimes, a small story can be as good or even better than a long story. Your plot was rather weird to me, I didn't completely understand it, yet I was still a little bit intrigued. Maybe because in the end, I had hope in your story, kind of creepy right? As for your characters now, like I said about your flow, sometimes small can be as good or even better than long. You had a lot of characters and although it showed that you could handle it, it really didn't bring your story to life. Your characters really overwhelmed a lot of your story which made it really hard to read.

Overall 60/85=71/100–I don't know why, but throughout the whole story, I just had that tiny little spark of hope that your story would be good in the end. I feel like, you really added a bunch of events in the middle of the story to make your story look longer. Since your ending really didn't seem connected with some of the events before. Also, I think that you should re-look at your knowledge of your basics before trying something new and different. Remember, practice makes perfect. For example, you don't automatically start on the highest level right? You would usually start on the lowest and build your way up. Same thing with writing. Start on the basics and then build up to harder stuff.