Beauty and the Geek

https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/634050/beauty-and-the-geek-angst-fluff-romance-you-exo-luhan

About: angst, fluff, romance, originalcharacter, exo, luhan, lovesquare, harem

Bleu
Finished on 2/12/2014

Title 3/5–The title is eye-catching, but is no where close to unique. I've seen many stories with this name, such as, The Kingka and The Nerd, or The Beauty and The Beast. It's really cliché, and you can already tell what the story is about from the title. I feel like,”My Knight in Shining Armor”, would be a better title, after all, it is the main quote and symbolism in your whole story.

Foreword 5/10–No offence but your foreword litterally yells out 'mary-sue' from the beginning. Another thing is, I feel like your foreword gives way too much information, a forword should be something short and interesting. I don't like how talked about every single character in your story, it should just be the most important ones, which in your case is Luhan and Eun Gi. I like how you had your title in korean in your foreword. It really makes it pop out. Also I like how you gave us an description of what beauty and geek means, although I'm pretty sure every ones already, it's rather creative. Also. I prefer you had your story tell what the characters mean, and not the foreword itself. It just gives everything away, no fun right? Your story screams mary-sue right away, but I'll explain more in the plot section. I suggest just having your description, and for your foreword section be cut off after Luhan–since it gives way too much information. The way you explain your characters are rather boring, they're all just, “She's this”, “He's that”. Nothing interesting whatsoever, can you add more foreshadowing? If I were to read your description and then read your foreword, I personally would have skipped it. I hate the idea of reading what each character is like before the story. Forewords are meant to give foreshadow and prefixes for the readers, they aren't supposed to be a summary. I noticed that you inputted a quote in there, I personally would have put it at the top, since it is rather unnoticeable. Throughout your foreword and description, I noticed that it's really sloppy, it's almost as if you just slapped a bunch of ideas together, and not caring about what other you wanted it to in whatsoever.

❁”When you hear those words, who would you think is the beauty? Surely most of you would think that the beauty must be the girl. And the geek must be the boy, am I right? Well this time, it's full of reversals.” should be,”When you first hear those words, who would you think is the beauty? Almost everyone would think that the girl is the beauty. Which means the boy is noneother than the geek, am I right? Well this time, it's the complete opposite.”

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was mainly because I wanted to add some setting details, and transitions. I feel like you should add a 'First' in that first phrase, because afterall, that is what you're talking about. Another thing is, the word 'Surely' is usually used in place of an adverb, but there are some special cases where it can be the introductory word. But in your case, it didn't quite sound good with your sentence, rather choppy I would say. Also, I wanted to add some transitions when you talked about the gender of beauty and the geek, since there really wasn't any transitions. Lastly, the word reversals just didn't sound right, and it kinda gave a misconcept. I believe the word “opposite” would sound a lot better.

❁”...to live a perfect life she always wanted.” should be,”...to live the perfect life she had always wanted.”

The reason I had decided to change this pargraph was simply because you lacked a lot of state-of-being verbs. This sentence was rather, incomplete.

❁”Her mother passed away when she was eight years old and her father changed the moment she was gone. He was drunk and roamed his hands on other girls each day. She wanted her father back and in order to do that she has to study for a better future. But when an unexpected acceptance for a scholarship to a school filled with flower boys and a new tutoring job requiring months away from home, would she crumble?” should be,”Her mother had passed away when she was just eight years old, and her father immediately changed the moment she was gone. He was a despicable drunk, and he roamed his hands on other girls each and every day. Eun Gi wanted her father back, and in order to do that, she has to study for a better future. But when an unexpected acceptance for a scholarship to a school filled with flower boys, and a new tutoring job, which required months away from home, would she finally crumble?”

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was because you lacked some elements of literature. You seem to casually forget to put in the state-of-being verbs, which is a important factor in every writing. I was really confused on a sentence here, what does having to study for a better future have anything to do with wanted her father back? That was the stump I had tripped upon, there are no real descriptions about why. Also, this whole paragraph is full of run-off sentences, there are barely and pauses whatsoever.

❁”He has a rough past and was traumatized. Thankfully, his friends were there to comfort him and he managed to overcome that trauma day by day. He has an IQ of 158, but he doesn't put any effort into his schoolworks. Well, that is until a certain someone walks into his life.” should be,”He had a rough past, and was traumatized over and over again. Thankfully, his friends were there to comfort him, and he always managed to overcome his troubles. He has an IQ of 158, but he lacks effort into any of his schoolworks, unlike Eun Gi. Well that is until a certain someone walked into his life.”

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was because you kept changing from past and present tenses. Also, there were some phrases that didn't quite make sense. Like when you said,”trauma day by day”, are you trying to input that everyday anxiety kept coming back to him? Also, I wanted to try to add some compare and contrast into this paragraph, since I do see some differences between Luhan and Eun Gi. Luhan is naturally smart, and doesn't need to try. Eun Gi on the other hand, is an average girl who struggles to maintain her studies at the top rank.

Plot 14/20–I really like your prologue, it's a really good introduction to the full story. Although I do wish you wrote it yourself instead of using someone else's story. But atleast you gave credit. You wrote that Eun Gi must work hard for her father to change, but I'm really curious, how would that make her father change? I really like the way you wrote this story, there were a lot of details, and it really made me feel as if it was myself in there. I really didn't like how cliché this story was though, basically, the main character, Eun Gi, ends up being in the middle of a bunch of flower boys, they each try to make her life more confusing as it already is, but in the end, they all end up falling in love with her. They will fight for her throughout the whole story, and in the end, Eun Gi would fall in love with just one. This type of story plot is pretty much the main focus in any Korean Dramas, or Young Adult books. Also, you add in twists in the story, like Eun Gi's dad being a drunk, and everyone else having horrible past moments. Oh and let's not forget the idea of Eun Gi coming from a poor background, and being amazed of the new school.

Characters 13/20–According to your foreword, your characters are pretty much perfect. All their parents own a successful business, and they each have individually good personalities. It's almost their the same people, besides from their physical attributes. You said that Eun Gi was working at a cafe at the age of nine years old, but doesn't South Korea have an legal working age of 14 years old? Or did Eun Gi's dad give consent of his daughter working. This intrigued me, since I know that in the States you can't work legally until your 14-15, unless it's a family owned business. Your characters are really mary-sue, pretty much all of the flower boys have a rich family. Surprise surprise, they end up falling in love with the same girl. I feel like each role of a mary-sue/cliche book or drama is filled, the innocent ignorant girl, who is as determined to do something in her life. The pretty boy who will always be by her. The boy who will do anything to help her, like give money, in the end, I believe this boy will sacrifice his love for Eun Gi's happiness. Lastly, it's the senior, the flirt. But apparently, he didn't pare in any more scenes after the first few. I wonder what happened to him. In the end Eun Gi will probably fall in love with Luhan, and Lay would sacrifice his love in the end. Oh and let's not forget the spoiled, mean, girl that will always interfere with Eun Gi.

Grammar and Spelling 17/20–You have very few grammar mistakes throughout your story, and everything is written perfectly. Although I really don't like how you keep overusing the pronoun “You”, I don't believe I've seen you used the word “I” a lot in this story really. There are times where you overuse repetition, it takes a high level of skill to even attempt it, but it takes an even higher skill to know when to stop. The more you use it, the more redundant it will sound. Also there are times where you write run-off sentences, expecially when you're writing an important scene. At times, just slow down, it's okay to take your time, concentrate on the details, and make everything shine. Also you have absolutely no spelling mistakes, the only thing I would complain is that you sometimes forget to space after a comma, or a apostrophe.

❁”Back on your previous school, you were bullied here and then. They would say that you were a geek, you were poor, you were lonely, you had bruises on your arms and your legs, your lips were ugly since it bleed, your father was a drunk, you had no one to protect you, you would never have someone by your side, you were old fashioned and you were ugly.” should be,”Back at your previous school, you were always bullied here and there. They would always say that you were a geek, poor, and lonely. Always having bruises on your arms and legs, your lips were never attractive since it always bleeded. Everyone knew that your father was a stinking drunk, and you had no one to protect you. No one would ever be by your side, you were none other than the girl that was old fashioned, and the girl that was nothing but ugly.”

The reason I had decided to change this paragraph was because you overused the words “you” and “your”. Have you ever thought of using semi-colins? One of their unique purposes is for listing afterall. Another thing is, I think you were trying to use repetition am I correct? Well, using repetition shows a high rank of writing, but it also takes a high rank of writing to know when you're using too much. Too much repetition leads to your writing being redundant.

Flow 13/15–Your flow is perfect the way it is, you have nice cliffhangers here and there, but the twists you put in your story, well, aren't really called twists. They are really predictable, and I had assumed something like that was gonna happen sooner or later. This is the cause of having a story that is cliché, and somewhat mary-sue. Your story is like the same plot of basically any Young Adult book, or Korean Drama, such as Boys Over Flower. Not much difference here and there. You seem to have some troubles with transitions, there are times where you tend to just skip into a different setting or even time. But your story is rather organized, and there aren't really much holes in your story, except for the matter of Nichkhun, I didn't really see him much later on in the story, since I had assumed he would be a rather important character.

Enjoyment 4/5–This story is really cliché to me, with the plot being super preditacle. It also was rather mary-sue, after all, two or three guys are pretty much in love with one girl. She's a girl that comes from a poor family, and her dad is drunk. Also, she is fluent in many languages. But I don't particularly hate cliché stories though, you wrote it in a way I would enjoy it.

Structure 4/5–In your prologue, you used a quote well poem from someone else, since it's unique and different from your story, could you have it like a light grey? Whenever you're talking about the past, is there a way for you to make it look different than the present text? I suggest either, italacizing it, or make it a light grey font color. Your paragraph spacings are perfect the way it is, and I'm a huge er for Times New Romans.

Overall 73/100–This story is both cliché and mary-sue at the same time. The plot is pretty much the same as any Korean Drama, or Young Adult book. And don't you think it's mary-sue when two or three guys end up in love with the same girl? You have a tendency of forgetting the state-of-being words. I really like how you wrote the story though, althought it was cliché, it was still really good. It made me feel as if I was in Eun Gi's shoes.