Prisoner Of Paradise
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/583604/prisoner-of-paradise-bigbang-gri-mystery-romance-suspense-nyongtory-thrill

About: Seungri(Big Bang)+GD(Big Bang), , mystery

Katrina
Finished 7/8/2014
Note: I apologize for the long wait. Thank you for not canceling.

Title: 5/5 Prisoner of Paradise is like a contradicting title. It is interesting and will garner reader attention. I am trying to figure out the meaning though. Does it relate to Jiyong being trapped in a false sense of security, because he thinks he can get away with Seungri, but the government already knows where he is?

Foreword: 9/10 The only thing wrong with your description is that “met” should be “meet” since your description should always be in present tense, unless you’re talking about an event that happened before your storyline. Your description certainly is interesting and will bring in readers.

What I’m not sure about is the quote. No matter how much I think about it, the quote looks out of place, like it’s just there for decoration. It doesn’t fit in with your foreword. True, it might relate to your story, but it looks out of place in your foreword. You can fix this by giving a tiny explanation or pointer to what power could possibly mean for your story.
Your preface has no grammatical errors, and it flows nice, though it’s a bit too vague. It’s not too confusing, because it leads into the plot and introduces something the readers have to look out for.

Plot: 18/20 I can’t say your plot is unique, because I can’t really tell at this point. It’s going really slowly, and there aren’t any interesting twists, because the events come in right where I predict it would be. Personally, I think you should’ve had Seungri find Jiyong instead of having the man lead them to his asylum. It would be more interesting and suspenseful. There would also be more of a mystery, because them finding Jiyong worked out so well, like there wasn’t going to be any trouble. Your plot is pretty solid, and I can imagine an ending. I also like how you eventually explained the preface at the later chapters instead of right at the beginning.

Characters: 17/20 Seungri is well-described, but I feel like there’s something missing about him. I think it’s because you show his emotions by having him ask questions to himself instead of writing “suddenly, he felt dread run down his spine” or something like that. At the end of your chapters, you would write “What happened?” to show his conflict. That works, but it would be better if you show his inner conflict with statements instead.
Jiyong does sound like an interesting character that we as the readers could get to know. He has an interesting past and current dilemma. So far, he’s pretty mysterious and not that developed, but since this is the beginning of his appearance, it’s okay.

Grammar and Spelling: 19/20 You don’t have a lot of grammar or spelling mistakes, except for the occasional typo that you probably missed. I’m guessing that you either don’t proofread, or you do, but you just tend to miss things. I mentioned this in the structure section, but you should try different vocabulary words. My friend on AFF started a private blog where she gives herself twelve or fifteen vocabulary words every day, and she must use those words in the chapter she’s working on. I don’t know if you would like to do this, but this works for her.
Chapter one P(aragraph)1 Celebrities want to establish themselves…” should be Celebrities want to establish a place for themselves…’

Flow: 12/15 (Specific Advice) The pace is slightly slower than it would be for a mystery since you had to use three chapters, at least, to introduce Jiyong and put him together with Seungri. I suggest you quicken it up a bit and get rid of small information that you think wouldn’t affect the plot at all.

Enjoyment: 4/5 This is supposed to be a suspense, but I just can’t feel anything from it. Reading this doesn’t make me want more. I think it’s because your flow is too slow, and you don’t use enough action.

Structure: 3/5 Numbers lower than ten in stories should be written out in word form, so “6” would be “six”.
Specific Advice: For your writing style, let’s start with chapter one, paragraph one. First, you have this deep, intriguing paragraph on humanity, but then it gets interrupted, and the story shifts to dialogue. This makes the paragraph stand out even more, but in a bad way. It looks out of place now, because it’s enlightening and looks powerful, but the dialogue are so weak next to it, that it doesn’t look good anymore. I suggest you have it blend into the rest of the story better by dragging it out and giving examples of the background to compare and contrast Detective Lee’s thoughts. For example, after the paragraph, you can say, “As a detective, I have seen many people lose their money…” or something like that. You can introduce Detective Lee in that way and then slowly introduce the side characters instead of suddenly having someone shout “Detective Lee!”
Another thing I noticed about your writing is that you tend to repeat some words like “obviously”. For instance, in one paragraph, you use that word, but you then use it again in the next one.
Speaking of wording, I don’t feel a lot of suspense from your story, even though this is a mystery. There’s something missing from your tone of writing. It feels so emotionless. I think it’s because you’re using words below your current vocabulary level, because your sentences were usually long, and you show a great understanding of proper grammar. I suggest you look up different verbs and some adjectives that you don’t know the meaning of and make a daily vocab list. Try to find words that look like they are around your level, like you can understand them. The main reason for this is that I’d noticed that you would write using common verbs like “make, went, do, etc.” You can specify what action you’re talking about. For instance, instead of “He pouted, making me laugh” you can say “He pouted with such a ridiculous expression that I laughed.” The main trick to vocab is that you don’t focus mainly on adjectives. Yes, adjectives are important, but what you should worry about is shortening your sentences by using synonyms but remembering to specify at the same time.
When you describe the setting, instead of saying “There was a chair here with brown markings” you can say “I passed by a chair with beautiful brown markings that reminded me of a forest.” That sounds more interesting than the first sentence right? Try not to describe with “There is; there are; it is.” Instead of simply pointing something out, make it as if the readers are in the story and seeing it for themselves.

Overall: 87/100 While you are doing well in the grammar and spelling department, your story is a bit too slow. Speed it up because this is a mystery that’s supposed to keep the readers guessing for what the next thing would be, not a simple romance. Your plot is nice and could develop well. Your characters are also realistic. There’s not much for me to say except for your vocabulary and flow. You can definitely up the level in the vocab section