Panko-Chan
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/701532/panko-chan-fluff-oneshot-romance-exo-baekhyun

About: Baekhyun(Exo)+OC, car accidents

Ahri
Finished 5/25/14

Note: I took out comedy from the genres because your story really has nothing to do with comedy. You have a few lines that could be funny but not much. I mean, unless you and I have a very different sense of humor. I also took out romance because I honestly do not see any romance at this point.

Title: 5/5 Simple, short, and perfect for the story. Normally, I don't like titles that relate so directly, but since this is a oneshot, I'll let it go.

Foreword: 5/10 In the last paragraph, "But we always forgot to look back at the past." should be 'But we always forget to look back at the past'. Although, I'm not sure if you meant to write "forgot" like the speaker is reminiscing about how she forgot, or it's a mistake. Correct me if I'm wrong, and I'll give back the point.

Your foreword feels really deep, and there's this nice, summer fun mood to it, and it does great in hooking readers in. The most unique part about it is that it's a poem. That is incredible. This is, in fact, the very first time I've seen a poem as the whole foreword, not just a small opening. The fact that you used a poem to convey an image of your story is quite uncommon and is a fresh breath of air among the common definitions, excerpts, or quotes. Though, you do have a quote from Hayao Miyazaki, someone who I've not seen around AFF yet.

That was what I thought at first. Then, I read your story, and I'm just like "You just led me on." You made me believe that your story is about reminiscing, past memories, growing up, or moving on, but none of these factors are present in the story, except for past memories. Now, I'm starting to wonder, did you make this poem, or is this from the contest? Or were you just really excited to write your story that you didn't realize your foreword and story doesn't match?

Now that I'm looking at your poem more clearly, I noticed the sentence "...was it a lemon or a lime?" What part of this is in your story? I get that it might not be specifically about a lemon or lime, but it's about realizing yourself and seeing the world around you in a different light. Menchu is not exactly seeing the world around her differently since she's making the same mistakes again.

Plot: 11/20 Your story ended right there? I don't know if you want me to review your sequel too, but this ending is really unacceptable unless you're planning to add a chapter two, but seeing as how your story is completed already, that doesn't look like the case? The ending is too abrupt. Menchu finding Baekhyun is the building action ready to lead into the loveline, but then it's gone. It just went straight down and disappeared. What happens afterwards? What happens between that time? Okay, let's slow down. We begin with Menchu almost getting run over, right? That leads into a flashback about the past. Then comes an important figure in her life: Baekhyun. Okay, then he supposedly dies. Moving on, back to the future, she gets saved again. Then all of a sudden, she sees the newspaper and sees Baekhyun. Okay, this is getting exciting. What's going to happen next? Is it going to be a nice love story? No, it ends. What just happened? Is this the theme for your contest? Is it to have a sudden ending or what?

You must lead up to the ending. Don't just end wherever you want because that is not how writing works. You must get down a good transition without rushing everything. What you should have done is have Menchu go after Baekhyun or something. I don't know, but have some action betweem them and do something with their pairing before ending.

Now, your foreword does not match the story at all. Okay, maybe it does with the tiny bit about remembering the past, but what else? You're talking about memories flying past quickly, looking forward to the future, questioning the present. What part of that is in your story? The way I see it, Menchu is thinking of the future or reminiscing. She's stuck on her past with Baekhyun, and that's not what your foreword leads your readers into.

Specific Advice: Hm, the plot could work, but there are a few unrealistic features in it. How can Menchu get hit by a car so many times? How can some people get hit so many times? Okay, the first time, she was a little kid, so that's realistic since children tend to rush into things without thinking thoroughly. The next time she almost gets hit by a car, that's acceptable because it's leading into the past which is a good way to work around the storyline. The problem then? Baekhyun and his mom. I find it really unrealistic how an ADULT can almost get hit unless the car went out of control and hit them because an adult should know to look both ways before crossing. The next part that's unrealistic is how Baekhyun saved Menchu again. This story is relying too much on fate that it's bordering the line of reality and fantasy. Maybe if you try to explain the true cause of the accident that almost killed Baekhyun better, then it wouldn't be so unrealistic. For example, you can say a car lost control and hit them. It just seems so unrealistic how one minute, Menchu almost gets run over, then Baekhyun is the victim instead.

Characters: 11/20 Menchu is very lackluster and not a very pleasing heroine. An important factor of a story is a strong heroine that the readers love and can connect with, no matter how different their personality may be from the heroine because underneath that, we are all human. We have our faults that shape us. There is no character development. Menchu is the same in the beginning to the end. What I find kind of irritating is how she keeps getting into car accidents. Shouldn't she have learned her lesson when she was a child? I mean, she did almost get run over, and she did witness someone else get run over. I think these two events are traumatic enough for a child to learn to look both ways before crossing. I know that she didn't exactly see everything that happened when Baekhyun got run over because she did have her eyes closed, but she knew that a car hit them. Either way, this does teach an important lesson to the readers; look both ways before crossing. I think this is the main reason why she feels so dull because even as a kid, she is still getting herself into these situations.

Grammar and Spelling: 19/20 Right from the fisrt few paragraphs, you switched tenses a few times. This is a common mistake made by even the best writers, and the main problem is rushing to write down all your thoughts that you don't realize what you're actually writing. That's why looking over your finished work is important.

Like I said above, your main problem is not looking over your work once you're done. Besides the petty typos, your grammar and spelling are pretty good.

1. P(aragraph)26 "He cleared, now much frustration is his voice." should be 'He clarified, his voice strained with frustration.'
2. P57 "Baekhyun complained at her mom which mom totally ignored." should be 'Baekhyun complained to his mom who completely ignored him.'
3. P59 "They were also supposed to crossed..." should be 'Baekhyun and his mom were also supposed to cross...' I changed it to their names because 'they' could also refer to Menchu and her mom, and it's kind of confusing.
4. P76 "Famous artist, Byun Baekhyun who survived accident a decade ago was seen on public with a normal girl." should be 'Famous artsit, Byun Baekhyun, seen in public with his secret lover?' Seeing that this is on the newspaper, normally, people won't write something about a past accident in the headline or a famous person with a 'normal' person. Newspaper don't usually specify that it's a 'normal' person, but they would write 'secret lover' instead.
5. P82 "I'm such and idiotic kid!" should be "I'm such an idiotic kid!"

Enjoyment: 1/5 I think this is the first time I've ever given a 1 here, and the main reason is the lack of a stable plot. What is the plot even about? What's going on? Your story has a lot of potential to become big, but poor characterization and plot management really pulled it down.

Structure: 4/5 Are you a native English speaker? Because sometimes, I feel like you're afraid to express something in your writing, like you're afraid to use a certain word or anything. Maybe it's just your style of writing? There are some sentences that make Menchu seem like a little kid, and I'm not talking about the parts when she's actually a little kid, though you did do a wonderful job of expressing her when she was young.

Overall: 56/85=66 Your foreword started off great, and I thought the story would match it since the grammar was good, and the mood was of a delightful summertime or springtime reminiscence. Then we get to your story which is a mess. There isn't a solid plot. It's like you're trying to build a house, but after setting down the foundation, then floors, you moved right into the ceiling. What about the walls? What about the transition that allows you move on with your plot? On top of that, you finish the house with paint, you're completed. There are no doors to get in to allow readers to understand what you're trying to convey. Menchu is also quite irritating and not a heroine I would count on because she fell for the same trap twice.