Have You Noticed Me?
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/506851/have-you-noticed-me-previously-the-coffee-shop-oneshot-sad-exo-chen-xiumin-xiuchen-chenmin

About: Xiumin(Exo)+Chen(Exo), romance, angst, character death, coffee shop, illness, writer

Ahri
Finished 3/10/14

Title: 4/5 Personally, I think your original title, "The Coffee Shop" is more original than this, even though it is still cliché. Not only is this title common, it also doesn't do your story any justice. You provide great details and a warm, kind of staying-home-in-a-rainy-day mood in this story, so it deserves a better title that is more specific to the plot. Try titles that relate to Chen watching Minseok or anything that relates specifically to the main plot. It could even relate to Minseok's illness! Just make it less vague.

Foreword: 8/10 Your description seems a bit plain; maybe from the lack of details? It feels empty, like you're saying, "This is one boy. That is one boy. They like each other." That's really exaggerated, but it's kind of like that but not to that extent. 'Jongdae is just an every day customer at his local coffee shop. Nothing ever catches his eyes until he starts noticing a determined writer sitting a few tables away from his usual spot.' I feel like if you don't include Minseok's name and add more details, the description would seem more interesting. This story is also in Chen's POV, so including Minseok's name would make it seem like Chen already knew Minseok and had talked to him before. I do love how you included a prologue to show how Chen met Minseok, kind of, and how the story begins, even though you have a few grammar mistakes.

1. P(aragraph)1 "The bell chimed noisely..." should be 'The bell chimed noisily...'
2. P1 "A pair of searching dark orbs looked the place over." should be 'I looked the place over.' since you're writing in first-person POV because the original sentence sounds more like third-person.
3. P4 "...that what little attention he payed to me..." should be '...that what little attention he paid to me...'

Plot: 16/20 The plot is pretty cliché, except for a few twists here and there, and the twists are good. Your plot just feels like it's not very organized. There are a few holes around. Chen and Minseok just met, but Chen is already willing to drop everything and help him and then pay for his hospital bill. They never had a conversation before, so even if he founds out Minseok reciprocates his feelings, he should still have some hesitation. It almost seems like you want them to be together, so you are just writing that they love each other unconditionally, despite the facts that they don't each other and all they do is stare at each other. Try to work some things out like give them more interactions instead of having them finally meet and then having Minseok die the very next minute.

Characters: 17/20 Like I said above, Chen and Minseok aren't really described well. Chen just met Minseok and then he dies the next minute. Try to allow them to communicate more like write notes on napkins to each other, for example, before making them suddenly get together like that. The characters are also not very clear to the readers. The readers know almost nothing Chen. I understand that this is a twoshot and is meant to be short, but you should include some details.

Grammar and Spelling: 20/20 No mistakes at all. The tense stayed the same in all chapters. The grammar and spelling are perfect.

Flow: 12/15 In chapter one, it feels too rushed. Chen is just explaining his feelings towards Minseok and how he became part of the daily crew in the coffee shop, and then Minseok faints. The next thing we know, Chen finds out that Minseok likes him as well. Slow down and give us more information before we get into the main action. Tell us how many days Chen has been at the shop from when he first found it. Tell us how he got to know everyone. Tell us what he thinks of about the shop, like who are the daily customers and baristas he sees everyday, what are they like, their different personalities for example. Give us more details before you get into the main event.

Enjoyment: 4/5 I would have enjoyed this a lot if it weren't for the rushed plot.

Structure: 5/5 It would be cool if you name your chapters, but it's only my personal opinion. The story is neat and organized. Full marks.

Overall: 81/100 The flow is too fast, the plot has a few holes, the characters are not described well. This story does have a lot of potential, and the grammar and spelling are perfect. Try to slow down and add more interactions between Chen and Minseok before going into the main plot.