Married By Force
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/637420/married-by-force-arrangedmarriage-romance--exo-baekhyun

About: Baekhyun)Exo)+OC, romance, , arraged marriage

Roseline
FInished 4/11/14

Note: I am so sorry for the very late review! It's due to some problems with my virus protection program on my computer, and I am very paranoid when it comes to my computer's safety, so I stayed away from a lot of websites until I got it fixed, and I had some other problems yesterday, so I couldn't work on it until today.

Title: 2/5 There is no ounce of creativity in your title. Not only is it overused and common, it relates directly to your story, which I really don't like. Make it relate to something more discreet. For example, you can have a hidden thing like how Mirae always stares out the window at people and things (I know she doesn't, but this is a made up example) and your title could be "Lilac Curtains" because they remind her of the curtains at Baekhyun's house since she stares out those windows now. Anything as long as it relates DISCREETLY! The only reason this is a 2 and not a one is because it still relates to the story.

Foreword: 9/10 In sentence two of your description, you should place a comma between "house" and "making". In sentence three, you forgot a 't' at the end of "riches", and you don't need a comma between "comapnies" and "makes".

Your description wasn't that strong because it's not that interesting or unique, like it's not a good hook overall, but the quote makes up for most of it, so that's okay.

Your foreword is short but reveals enough to intrigue the readers, so good job for that.

Plot: 13/20 I really don't like how Mirae's father never gave a clear reason for the arranged marriage, and Mirae even went along with it. Then the next thing we know, she gets kissed by Baekhyun, is moving away the very next day into his house, and then right after dropping her things off, she is looking for a wedding dress. Slow down and give some time for Mirae and Baekhyun to adjust before moving on.

Your plot is too cliché. Anyone can take a cliché plot and twist it around to form it into a new, unique plot, and so can you! You just need some adjustments here and there, like fixing up your other sideplots, like how Mirae lost her memory and her mother, because those two are too overused as well. The arranged marriage is, of course, one of the most popular themes on AFF. Give some twists. For example, that window-staring example I gave in the foreword isn't a bad twist, though I'm not sure if that idea is taken already or not. Either way, try to add some twist or sideplots to make the story more exciting and original.

The graveyard visiting scene should have been shown in the story because that was a great opportunity for you to outline Mirae's personality better. You could have used it to show her insecurity at not having her mother and her memory.

Characters: 10/20 Jung Mirae isn't a strong character, and by strong, I don't mean physically. She doesn't have a clear personality for the readers to fall in love with and support throughout the story. She seems plain and boring, and you're writing from her POV, so you should show more of her thoughts and emotions on things. Your problem is the opposite of most people's. You focus too much on other people and the setting instead of your own main character.

Along with her weak characterization, you did state that she has been hidden without a lot of human interaction, so why is she suddenly so confident out in public? She did smile at people, spoke to Gayoon, and even had a full conversation with Baekhyun easily! She showed all types of emotions; playfulness, happiness, etc. Hasn't she been hidden away for years? She should have some trouble even smiling or greeting other people, so try to focus more on her anxiety and fear of getting hurt instead of making it so natural. Another thing is that she agreed to her marriage to him too easily. She doesn't have a lot of human communication, so she should fight it at least and think more about what's it like to live with a stranger from now on; share the same bed, eat together, be together. Even if she knew the marriage was coming, still show some MORE resistance and fear. Even when she gets moved into his house, she acts so nonchalantly, like it's natural for her to leave her home.

Mirae acts so rashly, but that is good in this case! Keep up with the rashness, but of course, don't make it too dramatic. Remember that she has been locked up, so she is bad at making her own decisions, so make her act without thinking throughly. Do not go too far though, since going too far will make her seem childish.

In chapter two, when Baekhyun announced the engagement to the paparazzi, he just sat back down and then left like nothing had happened. Getting married is a serious thing, so he can't act this naturally unless he had training on how to act if he were to one day get a sudden engagement.

You contradict yourself a lot in your writing. I think that as you go along with your writing, you tend to forget the original personality for Mirae and then end up making her do something that completely goes against her phobia of going out, for example. After she marries Baekhyun, she refuses to stay in his home by herself and chooses to go out with him. Doesn't she want to stay in?

Baekhyun talked a bit about his ex-girlfriend to Mirae in chapter three. Since Mirae is his new wife, even though it was forced, he still shouldn't talk about his ex to her. Then in chapter three, he just randomly jumps on her and basically somewhat forced her to make love. To be honest, Baekhyun is a moody . One minute, he's kind and kinda loving; the next, he is forcing her to do things with him. He doesn't care about her feelings, and another example is him mentioning his ex, like I said above.

The next day, when Baekhyun tells Mirae she's not even a before him, that statement literally went in one ear and out the next. It's like you only wrote that to get readers more excited. Show her reaction to that. How does she feel that before losing her memory, she already did things with someone else?

Su Min is a big problem. She first meets Mirae, then boom, she speeds off with her on a shopping spree. What is this? They just met, so what is with this sudden closeness? She even talks to her about lingerie!

Grammar and Spelling: 16/20 You have a few run-on sentences. Do not separate them with commas, because you can not use a comma wherever you want. Use a period or semi-colon. You also switch a few times from past to present tense a lot of times. Keep them the same unless you're talking about events from the past, if you're using present tense.

Chapter 1 P(aragraph)1 "...I want even suppose to be alive." should be '...I wasn't even supposed to be alive.'
2. P2 "...how the accident happen, what went wrong." should be '...how the accident happened or what went wrong.'
3. P26 "I replied at paid attention to my father." should be 'I replied without taking my eyes off my father.'
4.P28 "...and disapeared somewhere." should be '...and disappeared somewhere.'
5. P29 "...my father did made me go here." should be '...my father did make me go here.'

Chapter 2 "dint" is actually spelled 'didn't' because "did not" becomes "didn't".
2. P6 "Well if YOU dint go careless while driving, you wont go through that accident, have a strange phobia and lock yourself in here." should be "Well, if you didn't drive carelessly, you wouldn't have gone through that accident, end up with that phobia, and lock yourself in here!"

Chapter 5 P32 "I'll wait at the isle." should be 'I'll wait at the aisle."

Flow: 11/15 Chapter one is the start to your story, so you shouldn't have so much happening all of a sudden. You could have given the readers some time to get to know Mirae more, like her life around her school, her daily routine, etc, instead of jumping straight into the gala and Baekhyun. You keep moving on to the next scene without paying attention to the little things. Don't jump ahead so quickly. Slow down and show some action and emotions!

Enjoyment: 2/5 I really like how good your grammar is, despite your native language not being English, but the characterization and plot really threw me off.

Structure: 2/5 You shouldn't center your paragraphs since it's a story, and usually only caeseras get centered or something.

You really shouldn't start your story with "My name is...I am twenty three years old..." like don't have your character describe herself to the readers with "Hello everyone, I am..." I'm not going to take points off for this because this is a personal preference, but I'm just pointing out that it makes your story more...unsophisticated, per se. That's probably not the best word, but I can't think of anything better, so let's go along with that.

There are a few times where you would put a comma or period after your dialogue. For example, "What is it?", Why do you need to place a comma after that when you already have a question mark inside the quotations?

Only one person should speak in each paragraph. Start another paragraph when another person speaks.

Your writing lacks life, and it's mainly because you discuss things like an essay or lecture. Or like a schedule. You write that Mirae gets up, goes through her days, and then the end. Add some details and focus more on smaller things! Have fun with your writing and experiment with more words, that you understand the meaning of. Challenge yourself but using more vocabulary and add more spice to your words. Bring your story to life! Make it free!

Overall: 65/100 For grammar, your main problem is not looking over your work once you're done, because I see a lot of missing apostrophes or wrong placement of commas. As for your characters, think like them. I know you probably can't think like Baekhyun since he's a guy, and I think you're a girl? Anyway, think of what you will do in Mirae's shoes. Will you do this or that? As for your flow, slow down, don't rush your events. Your story is not going anywhere; it's not a train you're trying to catch. Your plot also needs a lot more twists. Don't go too far though! One last important thing, bring LIFE to your story. Bring your story to life and give it spice with details, more vocabulary, etc! You are free with writing! Go out and bring a light into your story.